by Lisa Lace
“I cut it short. I sent him home.” I looked down at the ground again and made a small, despairing shrug. “Victor was on my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking about what I just told you. I felt awful, though. I really like him.”
Kacey smiled. “I think he likes you, too.”
“He’s mentioned me?”
“Yes. And he doesn’t often tell me about women he’s met.”
“What did he say?”
“Nothing much. But he mentioned you. With Nate, that means something.”
“Do you think I’ve completely blown it with him?”
“Nate doesn’t give up easily.”
“Do you think I’m an idiot to be even thinking about another relationship right now?”
Kacey shook her head. “You deserve to be happy. We all do. How long do you put your life on hold? If you’re not ready for another relationship, that’s fine. But if you are, and you’ve met someone, go for it. There’s no rulebook. There’s no right amount of time. No correct way to start again. You have to take things slowly and learn to trust again.” She gave me a kind smile. “For what it’s worth, I can vouch for Nate. He’s a catch, and I’m not just saying that because he’s my brother. He’s one of the good ones. If you like him, give it another shot.”
“You think so?”
“Only you know where you’re at and what you’re ready for. It’s not for me or anyone else to tell you how to live your life, so long as you don’t let things come to a stop because of Victor. If you’re happy alone, enjoy it. If you’re craving something more, don’t put up barriers. You can be happy again. You can love again.”
Nate
“Arms up… There we go…” I wrestled Harriet into her pajamas and told her to go brush her teeth. I kept an eye on her from the doorway as she stood on her little stool at the basin. “Top and bottom teeth, please.”
Kacey came to stand with me as we watched Harriet getting ready for bed. “She’s growing up so fast.”
“She really is. Doesn’t seem that long ago that I was carrying her everywhere and changing diapers.”
“She’s happy.”
“I hope so.”
I really did. I think I’d done all right raising Harriet since Marie died, but every now and then, I wondered whether I always made the right call, or did things the way that Marie would have. Sometimes it was hard to know if I was getting it right, but the most important thing to me was that Harriet grew up happy and healthy. So far, she seemed to be both.
I finished putting Harriet to bed, read her a Fireman Doug story, and kissed her goodnight.
I closed the door quietly behind me and sat with Kacey in the living room. “Took a long time to get her off tonight. I had to read the same story three times.”
“The one with the ducks?”
“It’s her favorite.”
Kacey smiled. “She loves that book because it reminds her of her daddy.”
“A good choice of birthday present from Aunt Kacey.”
“Aunt Kacey is the best.”
“How was work today? That couple bought a house yet? The ones that saw, like, a hundred different places?”
Kacey held up a hand to stop me and quietly seethed. “Don’t even get me started on them.”
“What happened?”
“They decided we ‘weren’t working for them’ and found someone else.”
“What! There can’t be anywhere left to look at!”
“Tell me about it.”
“Waste of time, huh?”
“Huge.” She sighed and stretched out her legs in front of her. “And you? Work okay?”
“Yeah, work’s fine.”
“How are you feeling after what happened last week?”
I had told Kacey about the woman we’d lost on call the week before. She’d been concerned for me, as always. She hated my job and how close to danger it often brought me. She hated how the job could affect me when I had bad days. Kacey was about the only one who could tell when I’d let one of those bad days get to me.
“I’m fine, Kace. We debriefed. Talked about upgrades we could get to the equipment. We’re gonna refresh our training on getting people out of vehicles. Next time we’ll be better, faster.”
“You know it wasn’t your fault, right? When you and the crew talk about how you could have been faster, or the equipment could have been better, I wonder if you all blame yourselves.”
“There’s just no reason for the same tragedy to ever happen twice; that’s what we say. It’s our job to get better at what we do. That extra training might be the difference one day.”
“I know that. I just worry that it’s all a bit intense sometimes. Having to be the hero.”
“You’re one to talk! I bet that support group of yours gets intense sometimes. Aren’t you the one who steps up to be the shoulder for the whole world to cry on?”
“Sometimes those women have nobody else. Some of those women walk away from everything just to get control of their lives again. Simple freedoms you take for granted.” Kacey sighed and looked like she was thinking about something for a moment. When she spoke again, she changed the subject. “Last time I was here, you were telling me about that new preschool teacher’s assistant. How’s that going?”
“What do you mean ‘how’s that going’? I mean, she’s great at her job. Harriet loves her.”
“You know what I mean, Nate. You were interested in her. I could tell.”
“I told you what happened. I hinted I was free that weekend and she didn’t bite.”
Kacey sighed. “I just thought maybe you’d have given it another shot. It really seemed to me like you had a thing for her.”
I turned and gave my sister a suspicious look. Her line of questioning made me wonder if she knew something. My first thoughts went to Carla, the gossip. Maybe she’d said something to Kacey? We were all good friends. Or maybe someone else had said something in this small town where the walls had ears.
“I went over to her place one night. Nothing happened.”
“What do you mean by‘nothing’?”
I mean our clothes were on the floor. “I mean nothing. We talked. Ate dinner. That’s it.”
“So, are you seeing her again?”
“No.”
“Why not? No spark?”
“No, there was definitely a spark.” I sat back. There had been more than a spark. One bottle of wine was all it had taken to have us tearing the clothes off each another and for my body to find its way on top of hers. I could still remember the taste of Jenna’s kisses and the sound of her soft cries when I touched her. I cleared my throat. “At least, there was for me. I don’t think Jenna was feeling it.”
“How could you tell?”
I cast Kacey a patient glance. “Let’s just say that the night ended early.”
Kacey rolled her eyes. “What, so if she doesn’t sleep with you, she can’t be interested? Not all women are like that, Nate.”
“I know that.”
“Then why don’t you try again? Maybe she just wanted to make sure you really liked her before giving away too much.”
“Since when are you the expert?”
“I know how women’s minds work.”
“Uh-huh. And what happened to that guy you were dating last month? Haven’t heard about him lately.”
“Pfft!” Kacey scoffed. “He was a bore.”
“Maybe he just needed time to get to know you. Maybe he was a super-duper cool guy, really, and you’re a meanie who didn’t give him a chance.”
Kacey raised her eyebrows. “Are you making fun of me?”
“All I’m saying is that sometimes things are just what they seem and nothing more. Jenna didn’t seem interested. If I keep pushing it when she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to go there, I’m just some creep who won’t leave her alone.”
“I think you’re reading too much into it. Maybe she just likes to take things slow.”
“Have you been talking to Carla?�
�
“What? No. Why would you think that?”
“Because Carla knows everything and likes to talk.”
“Does she know something I don’t?”
“No, but she’s been trying to set Jenna and I up since the day Jenna got here.”
“I see. Looks like it almost worked.”
“Almost.”
“I say give it one more try, but don’t come on too strong. Let Jenna set the pace. Make it easy for her. Then, if she still shows no interest, you’ll know for sure.”
“Why are you so invested in this one, Kace?”
Kacey’s expression grew a little sad, and she laid her hand on my knee. “When you mentioned Jenna, it was the first time you’d shown an interest in anyone in a really long time. I just want you to be happy.”
“I am happy.”
“I know, Nate. I’m not pushing you. I’m just giving you another way to look at it. Just in case you wanted to give it another go. You don’t have to. Your call.”
We stopped talking about Jenna, but I didn’t stop thinking about her. I wondered what Kacey knew. I had a feeling that it was more than she was letting on. She could have heard about my evening with Jenna from anyone.
Even when you thought you were being really discreet, rumors flew all over Brayford at the speed of light. Someone could have seen me that night at Jenna’s apartment. Carla could have fueled the gossip mill after I’d asked her about Jenna at the coffee shop. Hell, maybe even Jenna had told someone about what had happened.
Kacey wanted me to date again. It was about six months ago that she’d started to tentatively throw in the odd question about my love life. Or she’d casually mention an ad she’d seen on TV for a new online dating site. Or she’d mention how much she missed dating, in the hope that I’d be the one to start a conversation about women.
I think she worried about me becoming an eternal bachelor and letting life pass me by. She knew how much I’d loved Marie and how much I missed her. She knew that for all the years I’d spent playing the field, I’d discovered my true inner family man when I’d married my wife. Sometimes, I thought that Kacey knew me better than I knew myself.
I thought over what she’d said about Jenna maybe wanting to take things slow. I thought over what Carla had told me about Jenna getting over her last relationship. It all made sense, and I couldn’t blame Jenna if she wasn’t in a rush to start something new. But how to go from here?
The last thing I wanted was to miss my chance with her by holding back too long, but I also didn’t want to make her feel cornered. I sighed. Maybe Kacey was right; a slow, gentle approach. Something that put the ball in Jenna’s court. I didn’t know how I was going to go about it yet, but I was going to give this thing one last shot.
Jenna
I glanced over at the classroom door, helped a kid pack up her backpack, and then glanced over at the door again. The clock was counting down to the end of the school day. It was only when I glanced up again and saw Nate standing there that I realized why my eyes had been so constantly drawn to the door. I was waiting for him.
There he was again. So gorgeous. So perfect. He was wearing a navy T-shirt and blue denim jeans, his arms casually folded across his chest, his eyes scanning the room for his daughter. It didn’t matter how many times I’d seen Nate before; each new glimpse of him sent my heart racing. Every time I laid eyes on him, I was struck by how perfect he was.
He noticed I’d seen him, and he forced a smile. “Hi, Jenna.”
My voice came out a remorseful whisper. “Hello.”
Looking at him now, I felt regret. I thought back to the evening we’d spent together. He’d been so real with me then. He’d told me about his wife and about why he did what he did as a firefighter. I’d felt a connection to him. I felt like I’d understood him. Then, when he’d leaned in and invited me to kiss him…
I remembered the exhilaration I’d felt when our lips had first touched and how electricity had coursed through my veins. I remembered how free and alive I’d felt when my hands were holding onto his shoulders and his mouth had kissed my neck. It had felt so right. It had felt so good.
“How’s it going?” Nate asked.
Horrible. I’ve made a mistake. Please let me try again.
I nodded and turned from him to busy myself with tidying up the classroom, although it was more to hide the tears stinging in my eyes. I swallowed them back. “Fine, thanks. And you?”
I felt him cross the distance between us. I could sense him standing behind me. I closed my eyes, feeling full of regret. I’d allowed fear to take over. I’d started thinking about Victor and doubting Nate. I’d started to wonder whether I could ever really trust any man again, and hadn’t wanted to continue.
But, ever since sending Nate away that night, I’d regretted my decision. Nothing about Nate had ever signaled to me that he could not be trusted or that he would treat me with anything less than complete respect and affection. Yet I’d let Victor’s vileness stain my impression of Nate, too. I felt like if I lost my chance with Nate, I would have nobody to blame but myself.
I squeezed my eyes shut tight until I felt like the last of the tears had been forced dry, and I turned back to face Nate with my best attempt at a smile. He was standing only a step away. The sight of him made my heart beat faster.
“I haven’t seen much of you lately,” I said. I was trying to sound casual, as though nothing had ever happened between us; as though he’d imagined us pressed together that night.
“I’ve been working a different shift pattern.”
“Oh.”
Was it true, or had he been avoiding me?
He spoke. “You’ll be seeing more of me next week.”
“Good.” I dared flick my eyes up at him. I expected to find him frowning or looking at me with disdain. After all, I hadn’t reached out to him at all since that night at my apartment. I’d let things go so far, and then completely fizzled out without any real explanation. If I was Nate, I’d be wondering what was going on.
“You’ve been in Brayford a while now.”
“A couple months.”
“Is it starting to feel like home?”
It had been starting to feel like home. Before I’d received that letter from Charlotte telling me that Victor was on the prowl again, I’d been able to picture my whole life playing out here in this small town. I saw myself studying and receiving my degree, becoming a preschool teacher in my own right, and building a career that I cherished. I’d seen myself growing closer and closer to Carla, and having a real best friend to laugh and joke around and have fun with. And I’d pictured myself somehow getting over this hurdle I’d placed between Nate and I, and managing to start again with him, seeing how far this chemistry would take us.
Now, I had my doubts. I felt like everything in my life was hanging in the balance again. If Victor somehow found me and started terrorizing me again, what choice would I have but to run again? The thought made my blood run cold. I loved it here. I really, truly loved this little town and the people I’d already met. I loved the routine I’d built, and the way I was finally living for me and seeing my dreams come to fruition. I didn’t think I could bear to let Victor take all this from me. I had so much hope here. So many possibilities.
I looked Nate square in the eye and nodded. “Yes. It feels just like home.”
“I’m glad. I know Harriet’s really hoping you’ll stick around.”
The way his eyes flickered when he said that, catching mine very deliberately, I wondered if he was trying to tell me that it was him who was hoping I’d stick around. The idea made me smile. Maybe I hadn’t ruined all my chances with him just yet.
“Look, Nate, we haven’t really spoken again about what happened a few weeks back.”
Nate cut me off. “There’s nothing to explain. You didn’t want things to go any further. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“I guess I just hadn’t realized that the evening was meant to be a date,
you know? I hadn’t expected things to go that way.” I glanced quickly around the room to see if any kids, parents—or worse, Mrs. Gatsby—were listening. Seeing that nobody was close enough to hear us, I carried on. “When things started to…heat up…I was taken by surprise, and I guess it just took a moment for my brain to catch up and realize what was going on.”
“So, it really wasn’t what you wanted?”
I flashed him a look that said otherwise. “I just wasn’t expecting it that night. I felt like I needed time to figure out whether it was a good idea.”
“And?”
I couldn’t help but laugh at the hope I could sense in that one word. I bit down on my lip and gave a little shrug, looking up at him from under my lashes. “I’m still figuring it out.”
“I’m hoping maybe there’s something I can do to convince you that this is a good idea.”
“Like what?”
“Let me take you out tomorrow night.”
“Take me out?”
My heart skipped a beat and filled with joy. I could only imagine how incredible it would be to spend a real night with Nate, out in the open, free. I could only imagine how it would feel to be the woman on Nate’s arm, while every other woman turned to stare at him as he passed by.
At the same time, Victor’s unwanted image flashed into my mind. I wondered if he was any closer to finding me, and if he was, how close. Could I risk starting something new, or was life only moments away from completely unraveling? Even if I’d managed to overcome the way a broken heart and a bad relationship destroys trust, and even if I could believe that maybe Nate was worth the risk of being hurt again, could I be sure that things weren’t about to take a turn for the worse? When had Victor ever let me be happy before?
“Yes, I want to take you out. There’s a great little restaurant down on Parker Street. Italian. How does that sound?”
I twisted a strand of hair around my finger and hesitated.
“They have amazing pasta.”
I laughed. “It sounds great Nate, but I’m still not sure. I just don’t know whether now is the time for me to date.”
