She looks into the simple mortuary, which is merely an empty warehouse for the display of the dead in her coffin and a few round tables covered with white tablecloths plus dozens of blue plastic chairs. Greeting her with a kind smile is the black and white picture of Mei, framed by lines of yellow, magenta and white chrysanthemums, placed before the coffin on a metal stand. Everything feels surreal for the woman as she walks into the mortuary. How can she outlive her sister who is twelve years younger than her?
The woman removes her sunglasses and everyone's jaw drop, shocked as though they have all just seen a ghost. Apart from being older, how can this woman share such a remarkable resemblance to Mei? It sent chills up their spines watching an older Mei paying her last respect to her younger self.
Gasps, gossips and whispers start to fill the air as she enters the crowd attending the funeral. Nobody seems to know this woman who is entering the mortuary. For all they know, Mei is orphaned at the age of six. She has a sister though, but has moved to Australia since Mei married two years ago. This must be the sister, everyone start to wonder.
Out of the crowd, a bespectacled Chinese man roughly in his late twenties appears in a white T-shirt and white track bottoms. He looks haggard, his hair uncombed, beard stubs unshaved and with eyes swollen from crying, he makes his way to the woman but only halts halfway instead and acknowledges her with a nod. There is shame in his eyes, apart from sorry and regret.
The woman ignores his remorseful acknowledgment and continues her way to the side of the coffin; the moment she sees the distorted face of her sister through the square window of the coffin, her first tears stream down her cheeks uncontrollably. She crumbles, leaning onto the side of the coffin as the emotions, sorrow and pain she had managed to suppress by far erupt.
This isn't the face she knew and grew up with. The woman she raised like her child had a beautiful olive face just like her own, but now one side of it is protruding awkwardly near the temple and caves in a little at the jaw. The embalmer had tried his best putting Mei's face back into as normal a shape as possible with cotton and other material.
The woman sobs quietly as she places a hand into the coffin to feel her sister's cheek one last time, cupping it like she always did when she was young. With a block of dry ice neatly wrapped in cloth and stuffed into the coffin space on either side of her head, Mei's cheeks feels like a thawing dough, cold, stiff with just a little softness on the surface. The woman's heart wrench with pain yearning for the warm, pinkish cheeks Mei used to have.
Without even realizing it, she whispers her first words to her sister in two years, sobbing as she utters, "Why did you do this to yourself? Why!?"
Then she stops, as though waiting for an answer from her sister before resuming talking.
"I love you more than I love myself. How can you just throw your life away like it is worthless? I would have done anything for you. Why didn't you come to me? How can you leave me alone like this?" the woman hasn't realize that she is raising her voice as she speaks.
"You can't just walk out on me. Not like this. Have you forgotten me? Why didn't you come to me? You knew I was there all along. Why?? Why -," the woman starts to wail.
No one dare approach to calm the woman down. She seems lost in her own world with the deceased, like in a trance with the ghost. Everyone, including the monks who have stopped chanting, watch in bewilderment as the bespectacled man pushes pass the crowd. He rushes over to the woman and grabs her by the shoulders from behind. The woman, though slender, is stronger than anyone can imagine and with a hard fling of her arms, she throws the man backwards. The man grabs her by the shoulder again, sobbing as he does and this time he is able to turn her around. He shakes her violently, shouting into her face, "She's dead, Jie! Mei's dead! She's not going to answer you!"
The man is Mei's husband, John Lim, and he addresses Mei's sister like his own, calling her Jie which simply translates as 'older sister' in Chinese. Her real name isn't Jie, it is Lee Yu Na and everyone calls her Yuna. Her sister's name is Lee Yu Mei.
The woman stood frozen for a second with her back to the coffin as the man's words hit her like a hard slap on the face. She knows Mei's dead but she just can't accept it. But the man’s words have made everything real now. Yes, she's dead and everything is irreversible, too late, not even a chance to say I love you or goodbye and that makes it even worse.
"This is all your fault!" she grits her teeth yelling at John. She hates him just as much as she hates herself for having left two years ago.
Yuna's words right now is like cyanide, poisoning John's family name for eternity. Lucky enough for John, none of his immediate or even distant relatives are here. Only himself and some close friends of his and Mei's are there.
John's parents are extremely traditional people and if there is anything a traditional Chinese family can't accept, it is the tarring of the family name. The shameful suicide of an in-law will tarnish their well maintained name as stories and gossips get passed down by their relatives from generation to generation. It will be easier to come up with another story of her death than to deal with the haunting effects from the truth. Thus, none of the relatives are notified of Mei's suicide.
"You promised me you'll take good care of her!" Yuna continues to shout at John.
"Stop Yuna, stop," a woman donning a black button shirt and black khakis runs forward to interfere before things turn ugly. She is of Mei's age and has shoulder length hair. Everyone watches with surprise as how this woman who has just arrived knows Yuna. Everyone including the monks are curiously wondering what their relationship could be.
The newly arrived woman pushes herself in between Yuna and John before securing her arms tightly around Yuna's chest.
"Yuna, I know how you feel but this is not what Mei will want to see. Please let her go in peace," she forces her words into Yuna's face.
Hearing those words, Yuna starts to weaken, letting herself slip from the woman's hug and slides onto the floor beside the coffin. She sits there, sobbing like a two year old who just lost her favorite toy. She let it all out. There is no need to refrain from anything anymore. She even hates herself for having held back her feelings for the last two years. The younger woman watches Yuna with empathy and decides to sit down beside Yuna, putting a hand over her shoulder, silently comforting her.
The show is over, the crowd goes back to their white tables and the monks resume to singing their chant. However things seems to have normalized, still no one, not even John dare request Yuna to mourn beside him at the immediate family section - a straw mat placed on the floor against the right wall of the coffin.
"Thanks... for being here Yen," Yuna sniffs after about five minutes of intense sobbing.
"How can I not be here. Mei's my best friend," Yen utters, trying to blink off the tears welling up in her eyes.
"Let's get off the floor," Yuna finally says after composing herself.
"Are you sure? We can sit here for a little longer if you want, you know," Yen suggests to Yuna.
"I'm good," Yuna replies somberly, climbing up onto her feet.
The two women find themselves two seats from the stack of extra plastic stools placed against the wall facing the left side of the coffin. They sit quietly near the coffin in a secluded corner partially hidden by the condolence flower stands, both grieving deeply in their own thoughts.
Despite the continuous, loud chanting of the monks, Yuna's mind starts drifting back to fourteen years ago.
FOURTEEN YEARS AGO
RING!! RING!!
The phone in their living room rings and Mei rushes over in her pink hello kitty pajamas to answer it. She is only six and she is a bubbly little girl with a long ponytail. Yuna comes dashing out from the kitchen to join Mei excitedly on the sofa.
"Hello mommy!" Mei gleefully answers the phone before listening to the voice on the other side of the line.
Mei's face blushes almost immediately when the voice on the phone was neither her father nor mother.
"It's not them," she sheepishly mutters, shoving the phone to Yuna, who is already eighteen, a blooming teenager.
Yuna laughs at her sister as she put the receiver to her ear and says hello. The laugh never lasted more than two seconds as this sad phone call is the one that will change their lives forever.
Mei watches in confusion and fright as Yuna's face turns white as a sheet of paper listening to the call. Though little, she senses something terrible must have happened and nervous butterflies form in her stomach.
Yuna nods to herself, tears welling up in her eyes as she utters some answers into the phone in a language Mei can't comprehend. She is speaking in their country's official language, the Malay language.
"What it is Jie? What is it?" Mei shakes Yuna's knee for an answer immediately after Yuna places the receiver down.
Yuna can only wrap her trembling arms around her little sister tightly, crying while trying to think of how to explain it to Mei.
"Mommy and daddy won't be coming back," Yuna finally starts off saying through sobs.
"Jie, what's happening?" Mei starts to cry. Her tears roll as though she can feel her sister's pain.
Yuna is lost for words as she stares at her little sister through tear filled eyes.
"Are they dead?" Mei asks suddenly, between sobs.
Yuna is shocked at her little sister's sudden maturity. It isn't something a child her age should go through. It just isn't fair - that is exactly what Yuna is thinking as she nods a yes to her tiny little sister.
Seeing Yuna confirm her greatest fear, Mei breaks into a wail instantly. Yuna can only hug her even tighter as they both cry themselves to sleep that night and for the rest of the nights to follow…
A tap on Yuna's shoulder brings her mind back to the present. It's Yen. She holds out a bottle of mineral water to Yuna. Yuna accepts the bottle quietly and twists the cap loose. She stares at the water in the bottle and before she even opens the cap, her mind wanders off back to ten years ago.
TEN YEARS AGO
"Come on! The show's starting!" Mei calls out to her sister from the living room sofa. The penthouse unit hasn't changed one bit from how their parents had left it to them. Yuna hurries from the kitchen to join her ten years old sister with two huge glasses of orange juice.
"Okay, okay," Yuna places the drinks onto the coffee table beside the hot pizzas before turning the lights off.
"Here," Mei giggles as she invites her sister to crawl under the cozy comforter with her. Yuna snuggles in gladly with Mei and they enjoy their late night movie over pizza and orange juice. Saturday nights are always splendid movie nights…
The sudden loud banging of the cymbals again brings Yuna's attention back to reality. She continues to turn the cap open and takes a drink from the water bottle. Yuna rests herself against the wall next to her and allows her mind to wander off again, this time to just two years ago.
TWO YEARS AGO
"Mei, I've got wonderful news!" Yuna announces to her sister as she enters the front door of their penthouse. She places her bag onto the sofa and plops herself down beside Mei excitedly before carefully rolling her stockings down.
"What happened at work Jie?" Mei askes inquisitively. Her sister rarely gets so hyped up after a long day's work as a boring accountant. Mei continues into the kitchen to fetch her sister a bowl of soup she's made. Time flies and Mei is already eighteen. Instead of Yuna, Mei now does the cooking as she finishes school earlier than Yuna finishes work.
"I applied for a transfer to the Australian branch and guess what? I got it! We're both going to Australia!" Yuna jumps up from the sofa, exclaiming in a dance.
Mei's smile fades as her face draines of color. "I don't want to go to Australia," Mei finally says.
"I know you were worried about being alone. But I'm gonna be there with you now. I'll take care of you, just like we've always been," Yuna put her hands onto Mei's shoulders reassuringly.
"I'm not going Jie. Even if you're going," Mei utters meekly, lowering her face to stare at the marble tiles of the floor as she shakes her sister's hands off her shoulders.
"What's wrong Mei? Not everyone can get a full scholarship and you did. I thought it was your dream come true," Yuna asks, frowning as she sees Mei starting to act awkwardly nervous. In fact, Yuna is loosing patience thinking of how she sacrificed everything in her life to get her sister to where she is now and here Mei is, throwing some stupid, adult tantrum.
"I want to stay...," Mei insists meekly, rubbing her fingers anxiously. She knows it's difficult what she is putting up against her sister. Mei knows what distance her sister has gone to get things going in their direction and even applying for a transfer to go to Australia with her.
"Tell me the reason," Yuna demands, putting her hands onto her waist as she paces around the living room impatiently.
"I... I...," Mei stutters, rubbing her fingers red. How Mei wish Yuna will not meddle with her life for just once and let her decide what she wants to do.
"What is it?? I don't have all day okay?" Yuna pushes for a solid good reason.
"I'm... going to... get married..." Mei's voice trails off shakily, not daring to lift her face to look at Yuna. She's more than terrified, waiting for her sister to burst into anger.
"Huh??" Yuna snorts. It's crazy. She must have heard it wrongly. Mei doesn't even have a boyfriend, how can she say marry?
"What did you just say?" Yuna grunts, narrowing her eyes at Mei.
"You heard me," Mei speaks again, a little louder this time. Knowing her sister's bad temper, she is afraid to repeat herself.
"No, I couldn't hear you. You speak like a mouse," Yuna says sarcastically. Usually Mei will just ignore her but this time it feels so intimidating that, for the first time she feels mad at her sister's sarcasm.
"I said I'm gonna get married," Mei announces loud and clear this time.
Yuna rolls her eyes.
"And you expect me to believe that?" Yuna laughs in a hypocrite manner.
"I'm pregnant okay? John says he'll take care of me. I'm not leaving!" Mei raises her voice. It feels like a punch in the face for Yuna. Her innocent little sister hasn't raised her voice before for all the years they spent together. This is for real.
"Who's John??" Yuna asks feeling her heart break.
"He's a senior. He is graduating from engineering this month. We're getting married next month," Mei answers.
"You did ALL THESE behind my back?" Yuna bursts out saying.
"I didn't have a choice," Mei cries.
"Do you even know what you're saying?" Yuna snaps, "You are getting an abortion and we are leaving. This is final. End of story. I don't want to hear another word about this ever again."
"This is why I never told you! You'll just shout at me and say no!" Mei fights back with her fists clenched.
"So this is ALL my fault?" Yuna barks, getting frustratingly upset, "Do you know how ridiculous you sound??"
"Just let me decide what I wanna do with my life for once!" Mei demands furiously.
"If you don't leave with me I'll report this to the police as rape," Yuna threatens.
"You can't if I tell them I was willing. I'm no longer a minor," Mei retaliates and she is right. There is absolutely nothing Yuna can force her to do now.
"You think some pretty boy is really gonna look after you? He's just after your money, idiot!" Yuna shouts at her, referring to the huge amount of assets and money their parents had left them.
"I'm not stupid! He doesn't know about the money. For all he knows I'm just a poor student living off my sister," Mei defends John.
"You seriously believe he loves you and will take care of you?? How stupid!" Yuna laughs at how ridiculous things have suddenly taken a twist to.
"What do you know about love? You're just a lonely bitch!" Mei blurts out saying. She didn't really mean to call her sister a bitch.
Yuna stares at her, too shocked and heartbroken for words.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean t
o -," Mei intends to explain but Yuna cuts her off. It is too late for clarifying what has been said.
"After all I've sacrificed for you, this is the thanks I get," Yuna says, tears starting to roll down her cheeks. It is the first time Mei sees her sister cry since their parents’ death.
Feeling dejected and unappreciated, Yuna recalls the number of times she rejected a man she was fond of because of her need to focus on raising her little sister. But all those were unseen and uncared for in her sister's eyes.
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