by Rhys Everly
“This,” he gestured between us, and the sinking feeling, when your world gets swept under your feet, punched me in the stomach. “Whatever this is.”
“I hope you mean the ground. I hope you mean turning this fucking parking lot into something else. A garden maybe? Or an extension?”
“Kyle,” he pleaded, but I didn’t care for it.
“No,” I shouted.
“I—” he started, but I repeated.
“No. You’re not doing this to me. Not after what I’ve put on the line for you. Not after all your promises. Not after everything I did for—” The tears streamed without my permission, and I broke down. It was inevitable. “You told me you loved me. Was that a lie too?”
He opened his mouth about to say something, and I waited like the fool I was, desperate for all this to be over, to admit it wasn’t so I could hug and kiss him again.
But he didn’t speak.
“I see. You’ve had your fun with me, you lied to me, played with my emotions, used me like your personal whore—” I shouted.
And I cried. Cried some more. The ugly crying. The this is the end crying.
“Kyle it’s not—” he tried to stop me, but there was no stopping me now.
“NO. STOP. LYING. TO. ME,” I shouted. I tried to keep it together. Be the bigger man. But that ship had sailed now. “You used me for your pleasure and now you’re discarding me like a used toy. I got it. You’re done playing.”
I couldn’t stand looking at him anymore. I couldn’t take being around him any longer.
So what if his eyes were red and there were tears coming down from his eyes?
So what if his actions were saying he wasn’t enjoying this anymore than I was? His words spoke louder than actions, not the other way round. I was done with actions. I was done with secrets, and lies, and deception, and giving my everything for nothing.
I should have known this was going to happen. I should have learned my lesson. But I hadn’t. And I’d let this happen.
I had. It was my fault I’d let all this shit happen. I kissed him first and allowed myself to fall hopelessly in love with him.
It was my fault. Everything was my fault.
And now he was staring at me as if I meant nothing to him anymore. As if he hadn’t told me he loved me. As if he hadn’t made promises he couldn’t keep.
He was crying, but so fucking what?
I ran away and found solace in the car, driving off, even though I was in no state to drive.
Hell, I shouldn’t even be driving Nathan’s car.
This was a bad dream.
A terrible nightmare, and I was going to wake up to find out I’d never met Andy and that I was still best friends with Nathan.
I had to make an emergency stop because the tears were getting in the way of my driving.
I stopped in the middle of a field in the middle of nowhere and let all the tears out.
I didn’t want them anymore. They’d done me enough harm.
Enough with the frustration and the anger and the shame.
I let it all out.
The fact that my friendship with Nathan was over. My relationship was over, too, if it had ever even begun.
I took three deep breaths, each one grounding me to reality, erasing the fantasy I’d lived with Andy.
Maybe it was just the shock. My overactive imagination had taken control again. Once Nathan was over the shock, he’d forgive me.
When I got home, I could barely keep my eyes open. I’d worn myself out. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
But even lying in bed, the only thing I could think of was Andy.
This was exactly what I’d been too afraid to admit. I’d fallen for the trap. The Andy trap.
I fell for the lonely, straight guy having a midlife crisis. I fell for the trap of the hard-shelled softie who wanted to be loved.
I was a fool. I deserved everything that happened to me because I’d been willing to destroy my friendship to be with him.
These were the repercussions for what we’d done, and they were all coming full swing. I should have seen it coming. I knew it was coming, but I didn’t want to face it.
I wanted to believe Andy was different, and I’d managed to fool myself.
He’d never be ready to be with someone like me. Why would he? He was a well-respected citizen of his small town. I was just a play-thing.
Dammit. Why didn’t I see the warning signs?
I should have listened to my head instead of my heart.
And now my heart was shattered in pieces, and I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to put it back together.
Twenty-Eight
Andy
“Just go home, you miserable bastard,” Rachel shouted, and kicked me out of my own office.
I couldn’t blame her. After what happened last night and…
All I could think was how much I’d fucked up. How royally I’d screwed up. Nathan hated me. I’d turned Kyle away. The one person who had any power to make me strong and weak at the same time.
But it was for the best. I’d been fooling myself thinking Kyle and I could be together. And I’d lied to my family in the process.
Our relationship was doomed before it had even started.
I’d been blinded by Kyle’s beauty and kindness and how he made me also feel beautiful and much less of an asshole. Being with him and sneaking around like a teenager, I’d been denying the inevitable.
That what we were doing was wrong.
It didn’t feel wrong. But not everything that was bad felt bad until it all went to hell.
I’d treasure the moments I’d shared with Kyle forever, but we couldn’t be together. Being with him would push my son away. And I couldn’t lose my son.
I walked back into my car, submitting to Rachel’s bossing around.
But when I put my seatbelt on, a scream roared from my lips and bounced off the glass and metal.
I’d been holding it all for too long.
I fucked everything up. What the fuck were you thinking, Andy?
The pain in Kyle’s eyes last night haunted me again. The tears and the hurt.
“If you hurt my son…” Evelyn’s words rang in my head over and over.
They did last night when I made my way home, and again in bed when I was tossing and turning.
I’d made her a promise, and I didn’t keep it.
I was such an asshole.
Why did I keep on making promises I knew damn well I couldn’t keep?
But did I even have a choice? How could I keep my promise to Evelyn—and Kyle—and be the father Nathan needed?
He wasn’t answering his phone, and he hadn’t come home last night. I had no clue how he got back, if he got back to his dorm in New Harlow.
What if he got hurt? What if he’d ran himself over a cliff after what he’d witnessed? Even if we didn’t have any cliffs in coastal Virginia.
Eventually I put the car in gear and drove home where I found Yaya cooking in the kitchen with Leo and Dawson keeping her company.
“What the hell happened to your face?” Leo asked and frowned.
“Wh-what’s wrong with my face?”
“You mean in general or just today?” Leo chuckled, but I didn’t.
“Leo, I’m really not in the mood,” I said. “Is Nathan home?”
Of course there had been no change since I checked this morning.
“What happened? Why do you look like shit?” Leo asked with a more serious face, but that didn’t fail to gain an elbow to his ribs by Dawson.
“Nothing happened,” I groaned.
“Melody told us about the bar. Does it have anything to do with that?” Leo said and my nostrils flared.
“She did what?”
“We can lend you some money until you’re all sorted, Andy,” Dawson added.
“I don’t need your money,” I snapped.
“I think the electric company and your bank will disagree,” Leo snapped back.
&nbs
p; “Little brother, stay out of this. Okay? Besides, I’ve got other things to worry about,” I said, “like where the hell my son is.”
“Young man, you better get your head out of the sand and take your brother’s help. And watch that tone of yours,” Yaya turned to me, and I bit back a response.
She didn’t understand. Leo didn’t understand. Nobody did.
“Now, y’all keep an eye on the food. I’m going to the grocery store and then I’ll pick Summer up.” Yaya pointed her finger at each of us, slapped my cheek gently, and left the house.
“Ok, she’s gone. Now talk. What happened? Why are you worried about Nathan?” Leo asked before I could make an escape, and even though no one could understand what I was going through and I didn’t want to talk, hearing my brother say those words made me unravel and I surrendered.
“I screwed everything up, Leo. I’ve been thinking with my dick instead of my head, and now everything is crap,” I said and collapsed on the table opposite Leo and Dawson.
“What? Why? Is it your girlfriend?” Dawson asked, and I shook my head.
“I never had a girlfriend. I had a…” What was the right word for Kyle? Boyfriend? Lover? The person that made me the happiest I’d ever been? The person I’d hurt with my stupidity?
“A boyfriend!” Leo exclaimed and turned to Dawson. “I told you there was something about him. Is it the kid that works for you? It’s the kid that works for you, isn’t it?”
“How do you know?” I asked looking from Leo to his boyfriend and back to Leo again searching for an answer.
So we’d been obvious. And I thought we hid it well.
Just another thing I’d miscalculated.
“Come on! We saw how you looked at him and how he looked at you. Boy, if his eyes could talk.” Leo revelled in his glory, and I wanted to smack his sorry ass like I did when we were kids and he’d done me wrong.
“It was that obvious, huh? It doesn’t matter now anyway,” I said, Evelyn’s words coming back in my head. If you hurt my son…
Dawson rested his hand on mine, and Leo rubbed the skin over my elbow.
“Talk. Come on. If you don’t talk to your brother, who will you talk to?” Leo said, but I didn’t budge. “Now, Andy. I’m done being nice about it. I’ve got ways to make you talk.”
Dawson nodded with wide eyes.
“He does. And you should be afraid. You should be very afraid,” he said.
I wanted to laugh, but my heart pinched, and all I could do was feel the pain in my body.
So I told them. Maybe if I did, the pain would die down or I’d be numbed to it.
I told them everything that happened, how it happened, and what a terrible father I was, and they listened. They heard me ramble without judgement. Or if there was any, they didn’t make it known.
The world was still shit when I was done and everything was still a mess, but there was a load off my shoulder.
Even though I was embarrassed as hell talking about it, it felt good. Like it did after I spoke to Melody last night.
At least for the brief seconds between sharing the truth and Nathan walking in on us.
“Oh Andy,” Leo cooed and came around, putting his arms around me. “You haven’t screwed up. You’re in love. And Nathan is a good man. He will understand. He’s probably just shocked and needs some time to process it.”
“I still screwed up,” I mumbled, trying desperately not to let the tears out. I’d cried enough. I was a big boy. I was the one who fucked up. I had no right to cry.
“You didn’t,” Dawson said. “We can’t control who we fall in love with.”
“It doesn’t matter. He’ll never forgive me.”
“You don’t know that. If you tell him what you told us—” Leo said.
“I can’t. He’s already pissed I’m sleeping with his friend. Can you imagine how happy he’ll be if I tell him I love Kyle?”
“What about what makes you happy? Have you thought about that?” Leo said and pulled away from me, sitting down on the chair beside me. “It’s been five years since Lucy’s death. Six years since she was diagnosed with cancer. Six years since you’ve been happy. Since you’ve let yourself feel anything other than worry, stress, sadness, and loss. And then someone comes into your life and makes you feel not just happy, but love? And you wanna throw it away?
“Jesus, Andy. Most people don’t even find the love of their life once. And you…you’ve found it twice but are willing to let it all go? You might never get it back. You might never find anyone like him again. You’d be a stupid idiot to let him go, and Nathan will be even stupider if he expects you to,” Leo said, but despite how right his words were, all I could hear in my head was putting my happiness above Nathan’s.
“You guys don’t have kids. You don’t know how it feels hurting them,” I said.
“You’re right. We don’t. Which is why you should talk to Nathan. You’re giving him a lot less credit than he deserves.”
“I would talk to him if he ever answered my calls,” I growled.
“Maybe he’s not ready yet. Wait until he is. And when he is, you can tell him how happy Kyle makes you,” Dawson said.
“It doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve screwed up with Kyle, too.”
The mess I’d made was bigger than I could ever imagine.
“It’s never too late for an apology,” Dawson replied and looked at his boyfriend.
And yet, despite everything—the chaos, the crap I’d done, the tears, and the pain I’d caused—all I wanted, all I truly wanted, was for Kyle to look at me as deeply and passionately as Dawson did my brother.
I was an asshole.
And I didn’t deserve Kyle.
Kyle was a ray of sunshine and I was a tornado made of bullshit, failure, and greed.
By the next day, there was still no sign of Nathan, and I was worried sick even though the rest of the family didn’t seem to share my distress.
I decided I’d go find him, drive to New Harlow and to his dorm, make sure he was okay.
But first, I had to drive Summer to school.
“Are you excited about the Halloween party, Daddy?” she asked from the back seat.
That fucking Halloween party! It was the last thing on my mind and there was so much to do without Kyle.
Without him.
Everything I did from now on would be without him.
Starting with that stupid Halloween party. It had been a great idea. But it was the last thing on my mind right now. Even if it was all the town could talk about.
What was it with the people in this town being ridiculously obsessed with festivals and parties?
“I am, sweetie. I am,” I said, and even I didn’t believe me.
“Are you seeing Kyle later, Daddy? Can you ask him when he’s playing with me again? He promised we’d do it soon,” she asked.
A nasty feeling settled in my stomach and my teeth ground together.
“Daddy? Did you hear me? Can you ask Kyle—” Summer started again.
“I don’t think Kyle will be playing with you anytime soon, sweetie,” I managed to say before having to take a deep breath.
“Why? He promised me. Is he busy with your bar? Can’t you give him a day off? He said he’d take me and Alice clothes shopping. Do you wanna come with us? We can spend the whole day together and have fun. Oh, oh, oh. We can get cupcakes for lunch and ice cream for dessert—”
I stepped on the break in front of Summer’s school gates and gripped the steering wheel harder.
“For fuck’s sake, Summer. Stop talking about Kyle,” I shouted and looked at the rearview mirror.
Summer winced and stared back at me, biting her lips. Her face hardened and she sulked.
What have I done?
Wasn’t it enough that I’d ruined my relationship with my son? Did I have to ruin my relationship with my daughter, too?
“I’m sorry, sweetie. I didn’t—” I said. “I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
Su
mmer unbuckled her seatbelt and opened the car door.
“It’s okay. I was wondering where grumpy Dad was. He’s been gone too long. He was bound to come back,” she said.
Her head dropped and she jumped out of the car and ran into her school without a kiss or a goodbye.
Perfect. Just perfect.
I was doing a great job of being a terrible father.
Maybe I should drop by Maya’s on my way to Nathan and ruin my relationship with her, too. Give all my children reason to hate me. Why not? Maybe I could even get an award for world’s worst father to make it official.
No point doing a half-assed job after all.
Twenty-Nine
Kyle
“I don’t understand, Kyle. Everything was going so well? What happened?” Davies asked, and my foot wouldn’t stop tapping on the floor.
I didn’t want to discuss this, but I had to if there was any chance of passing my class and getting my degree.
How had it come to this? Full circle? Back to square one?
Oh yeah. I’d been stupid and fallen for my best friend’s dad.
“Doesn’t the work I’ve done already count for anything?” I said, avoiding answering his question.
“It is. It does. But you can’t drop out of the race, Kyle. I’ve done discounts for you and allowances where I shouldn’t have, but unless you complete your senior project, I can’t pass you. It wouldn’t be fair on the others,” he said.
“I-I just can’t do it anymore,” I replied, hoping he could see how much this was hurting me. “I can find some place else and implement all the stuff I’ve done already. I’ve sent you some suggestions. Please, Gordon. I can’t fail the class, but I also can’t go back in there.”
Davies took his glasses off like he always did when he was about to have a serious talk with anyone and looked right at me.
“You said you want an honors degree. And up until last week, you pretty much had it in your pocket. But I can’t let you quit your project and start anew. Unless something bad has happened, or something inappropriate…”
Inappropriate as in I’d slept with my boss and now I couldn’t work with him anymore after he’d used me and threw me away? That kind of inappropriate?
