by Molly Green
June appeared to float down the aisle, her arm through Mr Clarke’s. He wouldn’t exactly be most young women’s first choice to give them away, Maxine thought, but he was obviously taking it all very seriously by the way he was holding himself as straight as one of the fluted columns, turning to June every few steps as though to reassure her. Perhaps she’d chosen him because he’d given her a proper chance in life.
Maxine held Lizzie’s hand as they followed, Lizzie practically skipping. June looked perfectly poised as she got nearer to the man she’d given her heart to. Not like herself on her own wedding day when she’d got cold feet as she was walking up the aisle. It was only Johnny who’d looked so happy as he’d turned round and watched her. How full of plans for their future, he’d been, and all so tragically snatched away.
She was relieved when June and Murray had said their vows and signed the register and they’d all moved to the dining room for the magnificent spread Bertie had put on, buffet style. Once again she was amazed that the cook found such ingredients with the rationing and only thanked her lucky stars that the government ordained that hospitals and children’s homes were top of the list where food was concerned.
Maxine picked up a small plate and helped herself to one ham sandwich triangle and a sausage roll and strolled over to a nearby table, where she joined Kathleen and the teachers who were already tucking in. June had whispered that Lizzie could eat at the top table and the little girl had shrieked with delight. Maxine looked around curiously. This was the first time she’d seen Murray properly. June had already warned her that Murray had been shot down in his plane and almost lost his eye and had badly injured his leg. He had not yet sat down but was chatting to his best man, who had taken a worse hit than Murray by the looks of his poor face, terribly scarred with serious burns.
Murray himself seemed all that June had described. He was still an attractive man, Maxine thought, and although one of his eyes didn’t quite focus, the colour was the same bright blue as the other. June had mentioned he didn’t have much sight in it. They were a striking couple, she mused, as she turned to glance at them again, sure they were made for one another, though it made her feel even more alone. She was selfish, she knew, but she couldn’t bear to lose June’s warm friendship. Everything was bound to change now June had a husband.
Maxine watched Lizzie straining her neck to keep her eye on June and Murray, her expression rapt. The little girl was going to be mad with excitement when June and Murray told her they were going to be her new mummy and daddy, though Maxine hoped they would have their own baby as well one day. They deserved to. She closed her eyes and little Teddy’s image floated in front of her. Tears formed under her lashes. If only she knew if he was being looked after and loved, she would feel more at peace. But she was powerless. Please keep him safe, she whispered to herself. Please God, look after him. She gave a deep sigh, not at all sure there was a God after all. The war had made her cynical.
‘What was that big sigh for?’ Someone slid into the seat next to her.
Her eyes flew wide. She knew that voice.
‘Crofton. I didn’t know you were—’
‘June told me not to say anything as I wasn’t sure I’d get away.’ He looked at her. ‘I didn’t have time to change. Do you mind?’
‘Mind if you’re in uniform,’ she said smiling, joy stealing into her heart, ‘or mind that you’re here? Well, if you must know, I don’t mind either.’ She felt the telltale warmth steal into her cheeks as Crofton deliberately took one of her hands and kissed it.
‘I know I keep turning up, but I’m desperate to talk to you alone. This isn’t the time, but it was nice of June to invite me and it gave me a wonderful excuse to see you again.’
‘So you need an excuse,’ Maxine retorted, chuckling.
‘Not really,’ he laughed as he looked towards the table where June and Murray sat.
June sent a warm smile, then immediately got up and came over. ‘Crofton, it’s lovely to see you,’ she said, extending her hand, but he kissed her cheek instead.
‘I know you’re not supposed to congratulate the bride,’ he said, ‘but warmest congratulations anyway.’
‘Thank you, Crofton. You must come and meet Murray after we’ve all had something to eat.’ She smiled at him. ‘I’m so glad you managed to get here.’
So am I, Maxine thought, as Crofton nodded to June, then turned to her with a beaming smile. So am I.
Murray was every bit as nice as June had described, and Maxine completely understood why June had fallen for him. What made it even nicer was the way the two men got on so well. While they were talking, Maxine would sometimes give a surreptitious glance at Crofton. He was taller than Murray and a little broader. She couldn’t help thinking how handsome he looked in his uniform. Once or twice he caught her glance and grinned. And once he even winked and she blushed, hoping June hadn’t witnessed it. But June had seen it and sent the wink on, chuckling as she did so.
Why was she being so coy? It was plain to anyone that Crofton more than liked her. Why couldn’t she just relax and enjoy his company?
Because she couldn’t bear to carry such a secret she could never reveal. If she did it would destroy Crofton’s trust. She resolved to bury it even deeper.
‘Will you have dinner with me this evening?’ Crofton asked her as he was saying his goodbyes to June and Murray.
‘I’d like that,’ she heard herself saying. She’d been dreading the time when he would turn to her to say goodbye. But now, it seemed, the day wasn’t over. She was going out with him. They’d finally spend some hours in one another’s company. Her heart beat a little unsteadily.
‘Shall we go right away?’ Crofton slipped his arm lightly round her shoulders.
Maxine quivered at his touch. ‘I’ll have to get my coat,’ she said.
He was a good driver. It was an old car but he handled it as gracefully as if it was new. He chatted, but she only answered yes or no, and listened. She liked the sound of his voice, but the further away they were going, the more nervous she became.
‘Are you all right, Maxine?’ he asked more than once.
‘Yes, thank you,’ she answered perfunctorily.
‘You’re not,’ he said, turning to look at her. ‘Something’s on your mind. You know you can tell me anything, don’t you?’
‘Maybe,’ she said, immediately wanting to clam up.
‘I mean it.’
Without warning she began to cry.
‘Maxine. What is it?’ He pulled over and stopped the engine. Turning to her, he tried to hold her, but they were both in an awkward position, thought she could feel the solid muscles of his arms. She wanted to lay her head upon his shoulder – tell him everything. She was tired, so tired of trying to hide her heartache.
‘Maxine, my darling,’ he whispered. ‘Tell me what’s wrong. I won’t be upset or judge you. I only want to help you. Don’t you know how dear you are to me?’
He put his hand under her jaw and turned her head. She looked directly into his eyes – eyes that had darkened with tenderness.
‘You wouldn’t l-like me as much if you knew,’ she stuttered.
‘I’d like you even more for trusting me,’ he said gently. ‘Is this about someone else?’
‘Someone I thought I loved,’ she answered miserably. ‘I met him at St Thomas’ hospital in London. He was a surgeon – one of the top ones – and I was just a lowly nurse. He kept singling me out. Giving me more attention than anyone else. I didn’t even like him at first – but he wore me down.’ She gave him a wan smile, wondering what on earth he was thinking. ‘He wined and dined me. He knew I’d been married and was a widow. It probably made him even more keen. Told me he loved me and I – well, I thought I was in love with him. I was happier than I’d been since Johnny died. I thought we’d get married. The natural thing for two people who loved one another. Then he confessed he was married with two sons. He didn’t want our “love affair”, as he called it, to up
set his family.’ She glanced at Crofton and saw his eyes were watching her intently. She plunged on. ‘We had a terrible row and I brought it to an end.’
‘You poor darling.’ Crofton brushed away the tears falling down her cheeks. ‘What a swine. So you left St Thomas’?’ She nodded. ‘Is that when you came back to Liverpool?’
‘Yes.’ Her lips clamped together. She waited for some kind of relief to settle inside her, but there was nothing. She felt even worse knowing she wouldn’t tell him the rest of the story. The crucial part. Oh, why had she started all this when she’d only just told herself she must never tell anyone what had happened?
Her thoughts tumbled around her mind until she thought her head would burst.
He hugged her. ‘Damned seats. I can’t get close enough to you.’
‘Crofton …?’
She had to know and the sooner the better. ‘Are you married?’
A shadow passed across his face. ‘I was. I no longer am.’
‘Oh, Crofton, did she die?’
‘No. Nothing like that. In some ways it wouldn’t have been so bad if she had.’ Maxine gasped. ‘Yes, that sounds terrible but, you see, I have my secrets too. And they’re not very pretty.’
Maxine sat in silence while Crofton told her about his wife.
‘I thought I was very much in love with her, though we only knew each other for six weeks when I asked her to marry me. She said yes straightaway. In the hotel on the night of our wedding, she said, “I’ve got something to tell you.” I knew at once it was something serious, but I never expected her next words. “You’re not going to like it,” she said, “but I’m expecting … a baby.”’
Crofton paused and Maxine saw a bitter smile hover over his lips. Why could that be so bad? This war made everyone act differently. They’d made love before they were married, which was not anything so terrible these days, though she couldn’t stop the stab of envy that Crofton had had a wife he’d been very much in love with. She shook the thought away. His new bride probably ought to have told him before the wedding so it wasn’t such a shock for him, but it wasn’t her place to comment. She waited quietly.
‘My wife of a few hours finished her story by telling me it was another man’s child! And I knew it was true because I didn’t want to make love to her until we were married. Didn’t want to spoil her reputation. What a fool I was.’
Maxine sat stunned, trying to imagine something so terrible. So deceitful. She found herself feeling angry towards this unknown woman. How could she have treated such a lovely man with such total disdain? But wasn’t she behaving nearly as bad? Almost as deceitful? She was treating Crofton in a similar fashion by not telling him the rest of her own story. Feeling sick at the thought, she wondered what had happened to the baby.
‘After the shock settled in I was prepared to bring up the child as my own, and told her so. But she decided she didn’t want to be burdened with a baby, is how she put it, and conveniently had a miscarriage.’ He raised his eyes to look at her and Maxine felt he could see right into her thoughts. ‘I’m not sure why it happened or even how,’ he added wearily. ‘I only know our marriage lasted exactly eight weeks. I filed for divorce, which took nearly two years and I’ve never seen her again. Don’t want to.’
‘When did all this happen?’
‘Just as war broke out. But it’s put me off getting close to another woman – until I met you.’
She looked at him, so close to her, his face anxious. Almost without thinking, she put a hand up to his face.
‘Oh, Crofton, it’s such a sad story. I’ve never heard anything like it.’
He took her hand and kissed the palm.
‘I was almost glad the war had started and I could join the RAF – do something useful. Trying to spot U-boats bent on destroying our convoy really makes you concentrate on the job in hand.’
‘It sounds awfully dangerous to me. I couldn’t bear it if anything were to happen to you.’
‘Couldn’t you really, Maxine?’ He leaned even closer.
She didn’t answer. It was impossible. He had already covered her lips with his mouth. She put her arms around his neck, hungry for his kiss. They drew a little apart and gazed at one another. With a moan she pulled his head towards her again and kissed him back with a passion that surprised her.
Breathless, they separated.
Crofton chuckled softly. ‘My goodness. I didn’t expect quite that response.’
Immediately the warmth rushed to her cheeks.
‘Did you mind?’
‘Mind?’ He grinned. ‘There’s not a man on this earth who’d mind such kisses.’ He hugged her to him. ‘Maxine, I—’
‘Don’t say anything more,’ she whispered.
‘Why not?’
‘Because you might regret this in the morning.’
Her heart practically came to a standstill as she waited for his reply.
‘I’ll never regret it, my darling. But next time, we’re going to be in better surroundings than squashed together in this damned car.’ He turned the key and pressed the starter button, then turned to her and smiled. ‘After all those confessions I think it’s time we had something to eat, don’t you?’
Chapter Thirty-Five
So many times she’d nearly confessed to Crofton that she had a child, little Teddy, and had had to go through the torture of having him adopted, but she just couldn’t bring herself to say the words. It would be the end of their relationship, especially when he’d gone through something similar on his own wedding night. She couldn’t face having her heart broken all over again. She’d never get over giving Teddy away, but at least her heart had mended from Edwin’s betrayal. But this was different. Crofton was different. She loved him and she was certain he loved her in return. She couldn’t begin to think of the look of horror in his eyes when she told him about Teddy – so she didn’t. But she couldn’t relax and be comfortable with him either, as she ought to be, knowing she held a secret inside which would split them apart if ever he found out.
It was Pearl who made her see sense.
‘There’s a war on,’ Pearl said when Maxine next went to visit her to hear all about Pearl’s new show where she’d landed the part of the leading lady. ‘You fell for the wrong man and paid a terrible price. He turned out to be a complete waster. A no-good, pathetic coward. Crofton isn’t like that, from what you’ve told me. He won’t be judgemental. He’ll have seen more than enough misery in the military. Tell him, Maxine. You won’t have a prayer for a life together if you can’t see that this has to be cleared up between you. Just tell him—’
‘He’s never mentioned he wants a life with me,’ Maxine interjected. ‘He’s never even said he loves me.’
‘He’s probably waiting for you to say something,’ Pearl said. ‘Just to reassure him he’s in the running, let alone that you’re crazy about him. I bet he already senses that you’re still holding back on something.’
‘Do you really think so?’
‘I really think so. So do it now, before it’s too late.’
December was galloping along and the children were planning the Christmas decorations.
‘We’ll let the girls decorate the tree this year,’ June announced after supper one evening to an outcry from the boys, but the young matron remained firm.
Several girls shouted ‘Hurray’ and jumped up and down in their chairs.
‘The boys are too rough and dominating,’ June explained later to Maxine when they were in the common room. ‘The older ones can help Charlie chop logs and they can choose a tree with him – have a say in where we put it.’ She glanced round the room. ‘Though it does work well here. I remember last year we sang carols and Joachim, the little Jewish boy, sang “Silent Night” in German. It sounded wonderful. I never realised the German language could be so beautiful.’
‘I’d love to have heard him,’ Maxine said wistfully. ‘Last Christmas was awful. I was with my parents and had to keep my pregnancy a secret.
The only good thing was that Dad seemed in quite good form.’
‘It must have been very difficult,’ June said. She hesitated and looked at Maxine. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t ask, but have you told Crofton about Teddy?’
‘Not yet.’ Her stomach churned as it always did at the thought.
‘You love him and he loves you.’
‘He hasn’t said.’
‘He doesn’t have to. It’s as plain as the nose on his face.’
Did he love her? Sometimes she dared to think it might be possible and then she’d take herself in hand – it could never be.
‘So don’t have secrets from him,’ June went on. ‘It doesn’t make for a healthy relationship.’
Not only Pearl, but now June seemed to think she ought to confess. Nausea caught in her throat and she looked miserably at her friend.
‘I expect you’re right. Pearl said the same.’
‘When are you seeing him again?’ June asked.
‘I don’t know. He rang yesterday but hasn’t been given any definite time off. I was hoping to see him sometime over the Christmas holiday.’
‘I know we’re both working over Christmas,’ June said, ‘and I doubt I’ll see Murray, but you’ll want to see your mum and dad, won’t you?’
‘Yes, I told them so long as you have enough cover I’ll go as soon as I can after Boxing Day.’
But two hours later, Maxine’s plans fell apart. The telegram boy cycled up and delivered a telegram. Rose brought it into the ward while she was changing the beds.
Thankfully all was quiet. The only patients were Timmy and Gordon who both had broken ankles and cuts and bruises from falling out of trees, and they were now sleeping as innocently as angels.
Stealing herself, Maxine opened the envelope. Don’t let it be Crofton. Please, God. She couldn’t bear it. With racing heart she unfolded the paper.
DAD VERY BAD STOP COME RIGHT AWAY STOP MUM
Oh, poor Dad. She’d pack immediately. But try as she might, she couldn’t push the thought away that God, or whoever it was, had answered her prayer. Crofton was safe – at least for the time being.
