“No,” she said firmly, shaking her head. “If you were that far under I would have known, and I would have stayed out of reach. I’m not an ignorant bystander, Erik. I’m a specialist, so trying to scare me away won’t work. You’ll just have to deal with me sticking around and helping you through this.”
He usually loved seeing her bossy side. It turned him on when she unleashed it on other people, and normally he found it amusing when she tried it with him. But he was too jacked up to be anything other than frustrated as fuck, and he needed her to understand that and then get out before he said or did something they’d both regret.
“So now you want to help me. You didn’t want to help me, remember, Doc? I tried to get you to treat me. I told you I only wanted to see you, but you insisted I see Dr. Marion. Forgive me if I don’t feel like stretching out on your couch now that we’ve been fucking on a regular basis.”
Turning, he made his way to his pile of clothes on the floor and grabbed up the black boxer briefs. Keeping his back to her—more so he didn’t have to see the hurt in her eyes from his asshole comments than from any faux sense of modesty—he unhooked the towel and let it drop. The quick intake of breath behind him made his cock twitch, but he forced himself not to outwardly react as he bent to shove his legs through his underwear.
He’d been so focused on holding his shit together that he hadn’t heard her bare feet pad across the carpet, didn’t know she’d moved to step behind him, until he straightened and her hands stopped his before he had the chance to drag the waistband over his ass and cock.
“What are you doing?” Jesus, that came out so rough it didn’t even sound human.
She placed a kiss in the center of his back, and her hands left his to skate over the curves of his glutes. “Loving you.” Her hands changed direction and moved to the front, getting closer and closer to his straining cock pressed against his stomach. Her fingertips traced the ridges of his obliques that veed toward the base. Erik released a strangled grunt and his eyes slid closed as he dropped his head back. He wanted more. Needed more. Needed to feel her score his flesh with her nails, the sting of his skin giving way…
“That’s it, baby,” she whispered. “Let me make love to you.”
That snapped him out of it. Shit. She wanted to make love and he’d only be able to control himself for a few minutes, max, before the poison inside him demanded attention. He couldn’t allow that to happen. Not to her. Not ever.
“Stop.” Manacling her wrists, he pulled her hands from him and stepped away, snapping the elastic of his boxers at his waist where it belonged. More. He needed more clothes between them. His turnout gear would be a good start.
“Why? It’s not like you can claim you’re not in the mood,” she said, pointedly looking at the club he’d adjusted off to the left, hoping it’d go down. Fat fucking chance.
“Never said I wasn’t. But I’m not fit for making love right now, Doc.” Using the less personal nickname he had for her was his lame attempt to mentally hold her at arm’s length. “The only thing I’m good for in this state is a rough fuck.”
In this lighting, he couldn’t see if her eyes darkened, but it was hard to miss the way her pupils dilated. She lifted a bare shoulder and offered a sly grin. “Sounds good to me, Lieutenant.”
He shook his head and let his voice drip with condescension. Insulting her was infinitely better than showing her the beast lying in wait, so close he could feel its fur rippling just beneath the surface. “You don’t get it. I’m amped way beyond anything you’ve seen from me. Miles beyond. Only two things can bring me down from this. Either I fuck it out of my system or I work it out in the gym, and you don’t want me to do the former. It won’t be pretty.”
“Who the hell said I want pretty?”
“Seriously? You lit candles and have your iTunes set to a love song playlist.”
Eyes narrowed, she planted her hands on her hips. “Fine, so I guessed wrong about your preferred mood after an episode. Big fucking deal. It’s not irreversible, you know. I don’t care if you turn on floodlights and blast Marilyn Manson, if that’s what you want, because all I want is to be with you. And in case you’ve forgotten, you self-absorbed prick, I like it when you’re rough.”
He gnashed his teeth. This wasn’t going the way he needed. She was supposed to be backing down. Hightailing it the hell out of there. “Self-absorbed prick? Every decision I make is in your best interest.”
“Bullshit,” she snapped. “This isn’t about me or what I want. It’s about what you think I want or what you think I should want.” She laughed without mirth. “My best interest? What a joke.”
“Well, it sure as hell isn’t mine, because if it was, I wouldn’t let you go for a goddamn minute, not even when the darkness takes me.”
“Good,” she said, crossing her arms over her perfect tits, “we’re on the same page, then.”
Cursing her stubborn streak—the one he found hot as hell—he stalked to the wall and hit the light switch. The room filled with sudden brightness, making them squint as their eyes adjusted. Then he blew out the candles on the dresser and changed out her phone for his in the docking station. He chose the playlist he used whenever he needed the punishing workout after bad calls to keep the past out of his head until he could pass out from exhaustion. The music was all fast and hard, the kind that blasted during car chases or fight scenes in an action flick. The songs were about fighting, or fucking, or fucking while fighting.
This was his preferred mood after what she referred to as an “episode.” Now she’d see exactly what she was asking for…and then she’d run.
As the bass and guitar riffs came through of Nickelback’s “Something In Your Mouth”—a crude song about exactly what the title suggested—Erik turned to face Olivia, his hands flexing and fisting. They ached to dive into her long blond hair and control where he wanted her and what he wanted her taking from him.
Hold, Grady. You’re not trying to let it get that far, remember? Just give her a glimpse, enough to scare her a bit and rethink her position.
Pointing to the floor in front of him, he issued his command. “Get your ass over here.” She stared at him, then flicked her eyes down to his erection and swallowed. He almost groaned as he remembered how it felt when her throat swallowed on his sensitized head, but her refusal to follow orders overpowered his lust. “I gave you an order, gorgeous. If you’re not front and center in the next three seconds, your ass will feel the sting of my palm until I’m satisfied you’ll have to stand during all your sessions next week.”
This time, she complied, moving to the spot he’d indicated. The darkness swelled inside him, but he only let it get so close. Still, he craved to see her eyes go wild with lust from the anticipation and uncertainty of what would happen next.
He grabbed her by the shoulders and whipped her around him as he spun, then shoved her back against the wall. She gasped in shock, but he didn’t give her a chance to recover before he pinned her with his body and locked her wrists high above her head with his left hand, leaving his right free to grope and squeeze.
“If you’re trying to scare me, it won’t work,” she said, eyes narrowed. “It’d take a lot more than tossing me around the room and holding me down.”
“What, this? This is nothing, Doc. Child’s play. I highly suggest you call me off before we get to the hard stuff.”
“Thanks for the warning, but I think I’ll take my chances.”
Working his jaw muscles in frustration, he forced himself to take a deep breath through his nose and exhale before speaking. “You don’t want to do that, Livvie.” Though he kept his voice strong, Erik had taken the acid out of his tone and used his name for her, hoping he’d get through to her that way because he was running out of time. Like a firefighter low on air, it wouldn’t be much longer before Erik used up the last ounce of his control.
And then God help them both.
“Don’t presume to know what I want, Erik, because you d
on’t know the first thing about it. If you did, you’d know that this is exactly what I want. You, uninhibited and unrestrained.”
Sighing, he released her arms and rested his forehead on hers. “Baby, please don’t. Don’t tell me things like that just so I take what you think I need from you. You don’t understand what you’re asking.”
“Then explain it to me.”
“Before I met you, when I got like this, I’d seek out women who enjoyed things rough. And not just from me. They gave as good as they got. Do you know what I’m saying?”
“Meaning they were rough with you?”
He closed his eyes, nodded, and took a breath before continuing. “The pain helps me purge everything, helps me atone. But I can’t ask you to do that. You deserve to be made love to, soft and slow and reverent.”
Erik felt Olivia’s soft hands frame his face and her thumbs caress his cheekbones. “You’re trembling,” she whispered.
His eyes opened to see his fears reflected back at him in hers, and he hated himself more than ever in that moment. “It’s the bad shit in me, Livvie. Usually it’s contained, but when it gets stirred up… Goddammit, I don’t want it touching you. I need you to go upstairs, baby, and let me work this out in your dad’s gym. Alone. Please.”
She hesitated, her eyes searching his to find the answer to a puzzle that was missing too many pieces. He was like that poor bastard Humpty Dumpty. There was no putting him back together again. At least not completely.
“I’ll go,” she said finally. “But you have to promise me that next time, you won’t push me away.”
“That’s a negative, sweetheart,” he said softly, shaking his head. “I have to get myself under control before we can be together. Once I’m cleared for duty, if I can go six whole months without any problems, then I’ll trust myself around you. And I promise that as soon as those six months are up, you won’t be able to get rid of me. Not until I’m six feet under.”
“You’re serious,” she said in wonder. “You’re breaking up with me until you pass some sort of self-imposed test of your mental health? Erik, I—”
“Don’t try to talk me out of it, Olivia.” The edge was back in his voice and he sounded like a scornful parent using her real name to make his point. He’d managed to let the tenderness he felt for her peek through the black tar coating his soul for a few minutes, but how long would it be before he lost control? If he didn’t get her out of there fast, she’d see a side of him she’d never be able to forget, and then they’d be over for good. “Even if I can be certain I’d never hurt you during a flashback, I still don’t want you around me when I’m unstable like this. I swear that I will do everything in my power to beat this and come back to you, but you need to go, right the fuck now.”
Defiance flashed in her blue eyes. He tensed, preparing for the verbal onslaught she’d no doubt unleash. But suddenly her features eased with acceptance. “Okay,” she said. “I don’t like it, but I understand that you feel it’s for the best.”
Erik’s stomach twisted into a knot, which was fucking ridiculous. He couldn’t be disappointed when she finally agreed to do what he wanted. Man the fuck up, Grady. “I do,” he answered gruffly.
“Kiss me before I go?”
God, yes, he needed to kiss her. As long as he held himself in check… He flattened his palms against the wall and bent his head to take her lips. Her hands slid around his neck and she pulled herself into him. He opened his mouth to her and she dived in, stroking his tongue with an urgency that fueled his own. When the desire to toss her on the bed nearly choked him, Erik pulled the intensity back and gentled the kiss until he was only allowing himself small sips between their heaving breaths.
Olivia suckled on his lower lip, then used her blunt teeth to tease and nip and—
“Ah fuck!” Erik pulled away and glared at her smug expression through narrowed eyes. His lip throbbed, along with his dick, the pain getting him even harder. Before she wiped it off with the back of her hand, he noticed a dark red smear on her lips. He touched his mouth and came away with blood on his fingertips. “You fucking bit me. What the hell was that for?”
He immediately wanted to take those words back. There was nothing wrong with her. It was him. He was the twisted bastard who got off on the pain she’d inflicted.
She used both hands to shove at his chest. The fact that he didn’t so much as sway an inch seemed to piss her off even more. So she did it again, with equally disappointing results. “To prove to you that I have no issues kicking your ass all over this bedroom if that’s what you need. You gave me what I needed the first night we met. Let me do the same thing for you. I’m not as fragile as you seem to think. This might be hard for your ego to accept, but I’m not with you because you dragged me off to your cave by my hair. I’m with you because I want to be, because I care about you. Every. Single. Part of you. I’m not afraid of the big, bad wolf.”
A mirthless chuckle rumbled in his chest. “The wolf I’ve shown you is tame,” he ground out. “You haven’t even glimpsed my ‘big, bad’ yet, gorgeous.”
Clearly at the end of her rope, Olivia escalated to shouting, which did nothing to quell his growing temper. “So show me. You’ve been holding back with me, and I’m sick of it. I want your ‘big, bad,’ so give it to me already!”
“Goddammit, woman.” Before she could blink, he crowded her back to the wall and crushed her lips to his. It stung where she’d drawn blood, but he reveled in the pain, the endorphins flowing like a drug through his veins.
His brain screamed at him to release her, lock himself in the gym and stay there until he could make his escape in the morning. But then Olivia scored her nails over his back and he felt a light burn travel down in eight identical rows, from traps to ass. The stinging grounded him in the here and now, made him remember he was alive, that he could still feel. And that’s all it took for his dick to flip off his brain in a double “fuck you” salute.
Wrenching his mouth away from hers, he bent to lick and scrape a path up the side of her neck. Her hot breaths and wanton whimpers bathed his ear and drove him toward the brink of insanity.
Erik never felt as weak in his life than he did in this moment as he consciously made the decision to give in. To give in to his demons, to Olivia, to the promise of release and the temporary peace that came with it.
“I hope to fucking God we don’t regret this, Livvie,” he growled. Shedding the last bit of his humanity, he dropped the floodgates in his mind and let the darkness crash over him. “Brace yourself, baby, and get ready to sharpen your claws. You’re about to meet the big, bad wolf.”
Chapter Sixteen
Erik grabbed the scoop neck of her thin tank and tore it in two, then made quick work of her bra in the same manner. He descended to engulf one breast in his mouth while he grabbed and squeezed the other, rolling her nipple between his fingers, then switched sides.
She sighed and arched into him, scraped her nails over his buzzed scalp, and pulled his head into her chest, encouraging him to feast. When at last he straightened, she whimpered, but he cut it off with an all-consuming kiss, his tongue delving in to taste every last bit of her.
Their hands flew over each other, groping and grabbing, her nails scratching and stabbing. With each sting of physical pain she inflicted, Erik’s emotional pain lessened a little bit more. He needed to be hurt, to be marked, to be reminded, to not walk away unscathed. For his body to reflect the wounds on his heart, the scars on his soul.
He used one hand to fist her hair close to her scalp and yanked down to fully expose her throat as he ran his nose up the smooth column, from shoulder to jawline, drawing her scent deep into his lungs. She grabbed at his boxer briefs and shoved them down over his ass so they fell to the floor. Erik kicked them aside as he divested her of her jean shorts and panties.
Leaning his forehead against hers, he held her gaze and trailed a hand up the inside of her thighs until he cupped her sweet pussy. His fingers delved between h
er swollen lips, testing her, then he curled the middle two and slipped them into her slick entrance. A mewl of need tripped off her lips as he lifted up, sinking his fingers in deep enough to lift her onto her toes.
“Yes,” she said on an exhale.
He didn’t need to see her expression or hear her sounds of pleasure to know she was turned on. The only proof he needed was her drenched cunt.
Christ, his dick had never been so hard in his life, and every time the head glanced over her hip or even bobbed against his stomach, he thought he’d fucking explode on the spot. He needed inside her, and he needed it now.
Erik stepped in close, grabbed her ass, and hoisted her up. She wrapped her legs around his waist and he reached beneath her to grab his cock and drag it through her pouting flesh. He felt the head slide into place at the slick entrance of her pussy, and it wrapped him in welcoming heat. For the hundredth time, he was thankful they’d had the birth control/medical records talk a week ago and made the decision to nix the damn condoms. He’d never gone bareback with anyone before Livvie, and if she hadn’t already ruined him for all other women, that would have done it.
“Please, Erik,” she begged sweetly, and he thrust up, burying himself so deep he swore he saw stars. Usually, he held still after first entering her. To revel in the way she squeezed him and fit him so perfectly. To take in the moment and prolong things as much as possible.
But not this time.
Not with the anguish drowning him, the need to punish and be punished, to find sharp relief in every sensation allowed him as his fallen brothers would never feel again. Not with the driving need to come inside her nipping at his heels like the hounds of hell themselves.
No, this wasn’t a marathon, it was a fucking sprint. And when they crossed the finish line, they’d both be boneless, gasping for air, and slick with sweat.
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