by Con Riley
The way they’d slipped into keeping each other company made Aiden scratch his head.
Didn’t Joel’s existence use to leave him feeling homicidal?
He gave up trying to figure out his change in perspective. Instead he listened, bleary eyed and still sleepy, to relentless conversation that started before he’d even gotten dressed. It seemed to him that he might as well move back to the apartment.
“No way.” Joel spoke around a mouthful of cereal. “Evan’s lazy enough already. You’d make his life too easy.”
“He’s not lazy.”
“Maybe lazy is the wrong word.” Joel scooped up another huge spoonful, chewing slowly before speaking again. “He kind of assumes people will do things for him.”
His gaze slid across to Aiden’s, his long legs taking up too much space under the small kitchen table. Aiden sat in silence as Joel gently teased him.
“You know, he’s terrible at noticing when we’re running low on groceries too. Why do you think I eat here? I’d starve to death if I had to rely on him. It’s almost as if someone trained him not to think for himself.”
“Will you shut the fuck up?”
“I’m just saying.” Joel had been annoying, but he’d made his point. Aiden hadn’t made Evan breakfast every day when they lived together, far from it. But he guessed that he had perhaps created a false reality where things got done with no input from his brother.
Joel delivered that message, then let Aiden think about it.
Later, Joel said, “It’s not a terrible thing,” as he unlocked Evan’s car, ready to drive Aiden to work. “Taking care of people, I mean.”
“I know that.”
“It just sets up false expectations. He hasn’t ever had to figure out problems for himself.”
Aiden knew what Joel was saying. “I just wanted to keep things normal for him. I wanted the best for both of them.”
Joel listened to Aiden as he explained, haltingly and with a lot of drawn-out pauses, that making decisions for his family had become second nature. He hadn’t had the time or headspace before to think whether he’d been right or wrong.
“It felt like survival. There was always some financial crisis around the corner. I felt as if I had no choice.”
Joel stared ahead through the windshield, sitting in early morning crosstown traffic. Aiden was silent for a while before saying, “Do you think Evan feels the same way about me now as I felt about Dad for keeping things to himself?”
“Nope. Not even close.”
“Really?” Aiden heard his own relief. “Then why isn’t he talking to me?”
His brother had been so quiet since they’d started their therapy sessions.
“He’s adjusting. You’ve had five years to get things straight in your head. Evan’s just beginning, and he feels bad about . . . you know.”
Aiden watched Joel’s wide shoulders shrug. “What? What does he feel bad about?”
The traffic moved forward, and Joel paid attention to the road before responding. “You being such a miserable asshole with no discernible pleasure in your life.”
That made Aiden smile, where before he might have imagined, in great detail, punching Joel hard in the head. “He doesn’t have to feel guilty. I have plenty of pleasure in my life.”
“I don’t need to hear about what you get up to on Skype with your pocket Italian.” Joel’s quick glance and smile had been warm with humor, the kind he used to share with anyone except Aiden. “But seriously, Evan’s good. He’s just making some decisions about what he wants to do next. Even if he didn’t know it, you used to be his safety net.” They arrived at the parking lot. “Now he’s thinking for himself, and he’s afraid of falling.”
Aiden paused while unfastening his seatbelt. “How can I make this right?”
Joel shrugged again, only answering when Aiden pressed him. “Listen when he talks to you, and don’t second-guess his decisions. He needs to try living for himself just as much as you do.”
Aiden went to work thinking about his brother, then spent the morning texting with Marco on his brand-new phone. His mamma had been released from the hospital, a fact that had apparently led to some de Luca high excitement.
MARCO: She refuses to accept that she is still recovering. She plans to cook a celebration dinner.
MARCO: My brothers are encouraging her.
MARCO: It’s as if they want to make her sick again.
He was so protective, discussing his mother’s progress and the changes he’d made to her living quarters so she could be more comfortable.
Aiden led up to a question that he’d been trying hard to avoid.
AIDEN: So, it sounds as if she’s doing better.
AIDEN: You must be so relieved.
AIDEN: Does that mean you’re coming home soon?
The pause between their texts was long.
MARCO: No.
His next text came a whole hour later.
MARCO: I’m sorry. I can’t.
Aiden went out to try to walk off his disappointment. Of course it made sense that Marco wanted to be sure his mom was fully recovered. That didn’t stop Aiden from wishing Marco would come home. The way he missed him wasn’t getting any easier. He walked toward the food court, striding past slowly moving couples walking hand in hand. He’d had a long time to think about it. It wasn’t just the sex, although that had been amazing.
Marco’s touch and his conversation—both so easy and so freely given—made him wish he’d paid more attention. It made no sense how little things—a hand casually resting on his shoulder, someone talking to him through the curtain while he showered—added up to something so much bigger. It reminded him of when he’d been in elementary school and had lost a wobbly baby tooth while sitting at his school desk. The hole it left behind had felt like an enormous crater. His tongue tip had worried at it all day long, over and over, charting the huge new space. When he finally saw how small the gap was between his remaining teeth, he’d blinked in disbelief.
How could such a little thing feel so incredibly significant?
Now Aiden mentally worried at the Marco-shaped hole in his life, feeling that same confusion.
Drew was in uniform again when he found Aiden sitting alone at a food-court table. At least this time Aiden had no trouble recognizing him. They visited for a few minutes while Drew’s partner waited in line at the counter. Drew watched Aiden morosely stir his coffee. His “And this is why dating is for losers” almost had Aiden flinging his coffee stirrer at him.
“Hey now, don’t make me shoot you with my Taser.” Drew studied him, then tilted his head. “It’s either man trouble or your clerk’s still causing you problems.” He frowned before continuing. “Are you sure you resolved your theft issue?”
“Yeah. I’m sorry I wasted your time.”
“Hmm.”
Something about Drew’s silence made Aiden pay attention. “Is there something you want to tell me?”
“Not officially, no.” Drew looked over his shoulder. When he saw his partner was still engrossed in his donut selection, Drew turned back and nodded.
“Is it something about Levi?” Aiden watched as Drew gave a small shrug. “Oh.” Aiden leaned over the table. “You know about his brother?”
Drew’s subtle nod was his only answer.
“It’s okay. Levi isn’t like him one bit.”
“No?” Drew’s brow furrowed. “Just be careful. People will do strange things for their families.”
“Levi’s good.” Aiden was certain. “I trust him 100 percent. Besides, he only wants to stand by his brother. There’s nothing bad about that, as long as no one gets hurt.” That was still his biggest worry for his clerk.
“Hmm.” Again Drew sounded disbelieving. “Family loyalty can drag people into situations they’d normally think were crazy.” He stood as his radio squawked for his attention, listening intently before saying, “Just make sure you lock up all your cash. People will take exactly what you let them.�
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Drew left in a hurry, his partner running after him with his shirtfront already speckled white with powdered sugar.
Aiden headed back to the store with a bag of donuts and a coffee drink for Levi, but when he walked into the stockroom, his mom and Evan were waiting for him.
Finding his mom behind his desk still set off residual low-grade panic. They’d talked it out only a few days before. Having her in his working environment was weird for several reasons.
He’d actively discouraged her from dropping in before, always acting as if her visits were awkward interruptions. She hadn’t hesitated to call him out when he’d started to look guilty. “You know I can see now why you kept me away, don’t you?”
He’d told her he was sorry.
“You don’t need to look so down about it. You can’t possibly feel as bad as I do. But we’re accepting that we’ve all made mistakes and assumptions, and we’re moving past them as a family, aren’t we?”
Aiden had agreed, echoing the sentiment they’d all decided upon at the end of their last therapy session.
Today, though, she’d come for another reason.
“We need to have a family meeting.”
The departure level at Sea-Tac was busy. Evan practically had to jog beside Aiden as he walked fast while speaking at an even faster rate, issuing last-minute instructions.
“Maybe you should write these down, Evan. You’ve never done the payroll, and there’s a glitch in the PC software that I forgot to talk Mom through.”
“We’ll figure it out.”
“Yeah, but this is other people’s money. It’s important that you two don’t forget, or it can cause real problems. Oh, and you need to make sure Levi’s paid in cash.”
Evan snorted.
“Listen.” Frustration made Aiden snap. “It’s either pay him in cash or worry that his brother’s got his ATM card and will drink all their rent money. He keeps it in his locker now. He’s trying to do the right thing in a messed-up situation, so why don’t you give him a break?”
His brother stopped in his tracks. “I didn’t mean anything by it. I—”
Aiden cut him off, scrubbing at his face. “Look, rushing like this is dumb. I need some time to think.” He turned in a slow circle before stopping. The tide of people entering the terminal parted on either side of them, leaving Aiden and his brother the only people standing still.
“Go,” Evan urged. “Everything here will be fine. And if it isn’t, we’ll call you, or email, or something. Go, before you miss your flight.” He sounded so firm.
“We can’t afford for me to do this. I should get a refund on the ticket.” Aiden couldn’t think about the cost without feeling guilty.
“What did Mom tell you?” Evan filled in the space left by Aiden’s silence. “It’s covered. Don’t think about the expense or about how we’ll run the store. Have a little trust that we found a way to do this. Just go.”
“Are you sure?” Aiden certainly wasn’t. There was no way this made financial sense.
“Of course.” Evan’s expression was determined. “Go, and only come back when you’re ready. There’s nothing here that Mom and I can’t handle for a while.”
Someone caught the back of Evan’s legs with their luggage cart, making Aiden glare as they hurried by. “Come on, squirt. Let’s get out of the traffic flow.” He pulled his suitcase behind him and found a quieter spot to one side of a departure board. “You know I still want to talk to you about college.”
Evan stiffened again. “There’s nothing to discuss. Joel wants to do this thing with Vik in Portland. I want to keep my options open. It makes sense to defer for a year.” He frowned as he spoke. “I can’t concentrate on studying while my head’s still a mess.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Will you stop saying that? Jesus fucking Christ, Aiden. This isn’t all about you. I just need some time. I might only need a semester.” He shrugged. “I want to contribute for a while. That seems more important now. I know it is for Mom too.”
Aiden dragged in a huge breath. “I don’t know how we ended up here.”
Evan’s next words were softer. “Go.” He shrugged a backpack off his shoulder, still speckled by the rain shower that they’d run through. “Everything you need is in here, and I packed your suitcase after checking the weather forecast for Milan. It’s warm and sunny there right now.” He said his good-byes, and his voice was even quieter. “I hope Marco’s pleased to see you.”
Aiden could only nod. He watched his brother’s pale hair glint as he walked away. People moved between them, and Evan disappeared from sight.
Aiden rested the backpack on top of his suitcase and loosened its fastener. His laptop had its own compartment inside, as did his passport, preprinted boarding pass, and some other papers. He pulled the boarding pass out and scanned the departure board. It was time to check his bag.
The line for security was long and winding. People shuffled along with their belts already loosened, unfastening their watches, tense with preflight nerves and agitation. He looked over his documents again as he waited for his turn. It was a sign of his preoccupation that he hadn’t noticed Theo’s email address at the top of the first page right away. As soon as he did, he flipped through the pages that detailed his connection times and car rental offers. The last page revealed that his seat had been upgraded and contained a personal message. Consider this trip a gift from Ben.
The breath Aiden drew in was huge and sudden, causing a group of teenage girls to turn around and giggle. One of them asked if he was afraid of flying.
“No. I’m—”
What was it that he was feeling?
Maybe it was guilt for leaving his mom and brother running the store. He heard Marco’s voice in his head, telling him not to be so stupid.
“Let people help you, tesoro.” How many times had he said different versions of those words?
Perhaps it was gratitude that felt so unfamiliar. He’d sat down on the wrong side of his desk less than two hours ago and listened as his mom acted like a parent for the first time in years. She’d told him what was going to happen, then fixed him with the same “Don’t even try to argue” look that he recalled from childhood.
It was probably relief he was feeling. He needed to know that Marco was okay. He felt that very strongly. Theo making it happen was like divine intervention. He refused to think about his pride. If this was a gift from Marco’s brother, it was one he’d happily accept.
The cute girl raised her eyebrows, waiting for his answer.
“I’m not nervous.” And he wasn’t. He knew Marco would be pleased to see him. “I guess I’m excited.”
“Me too!” Her friends had started a conversation as they drew closer to the security clearance area. They were headed for New York City and were determined to have fun. She asked, “What part of your trip are you looking forward to the most?”
Aiden didn’t even have to think.
“Surprising my boyfriend.”
Aiden was sure Milan must be beautiful, but after nearly eighteen hours of travel he struggled to keep his eyes open. He didn’t feel tired—by now, he was running on pure adrenaline—but the cab driver appeared to have a death wish. Closing his eyes had seemed a better option than watching so many near collisions.
He’d been grateful to Theo all over again as he’d handed the cab driver an email printout that listed Marco’s home address along with directions. The driver was calm and friendly right up until he left the airport. The moment they’d merged with the traffic flowing toward Milan, he’d turned into a Grand Prix racing driver.
Aiden distracted himself by securing his papers in his backpack and taking a moment to look over Marco’s address himself. The last lines of the directions had been typed in English. He focused on the words.
Try to relax. Italians drive a little differently.
That was an understatement.
You’re flying into Malpensa, That’s out to the west of town, arou
nd 50 miles from Ben’s home. Notice how the landscape changes from green fields to industrial units as you get closer to the city. The Autostrada can get intense once you’re on the outskirts of Milan. I recommend that you focus on the skyscrapers instead of on the way Italians pass using whichever lane they feel like. They’ll try to cut you off like madmen. Lean back, relax, and pray your driver is better than all the other crazies out there.
As advice went, Theo’s wasn’t particularly reassuring, but it had been completely accurate. When the cab finally stopped, Aiden handed over the number of euros Theo recommended, waving his change away. Yet again, he’d made things easy. So Aiden was thinking about Theo when he took his case and hitched his backpack higher over his shoulder. He stood at the bottom of a set of marble steps on a classic Milanese street and imagined, as he climbed them, how many times Theo must have taken the same steps with Ben.
Repeating the Italian words for “I’m here to see Marco” took most of his concentration as he rang the doorbell. When no one responded, he knocked instead. Nearly a day after leaving Seattle, he finally saw the one flaw in his “surprise my boyfriend” plan. The last text he’d had from Marco said that his mamma was settling in at home. What if she’d taken a turn for the worse and was back in the hospital? Marco might not be home for hours.
He sat down on the top step and braced his elbows on his knees, shoulders hunched, suddenly exhausted.
The sound of a child’s laughter took a while to register.
Following it took less than a minute. There was an archway between buildings, leading to a shady courtyard. Aiden walked down the passageway and peered through the wrought-iron gate at its far end.
What he saw there was something he hadn’t realized he wanted. Aiden was a strong man, but it nearly brought him to his knees.
Marco sat on a bench next to a small boy who read aloud to him, slowly, one finger following the text as Marco paid close attention. Each time the boy stumbled, Marco helped him sound out the words that halted his progress. He did so with such careful patience, sympathizing as the child’s small shoulders sagged, praising him when he reached the end of the page.
