by Jill Sanders
Her mother had stopped by one day and delivered several larger items and boxes, including a bassinet and a stroller. She didn’t doubt that they were of highest quality and from the biggest named stores, but she was just so tired of it all at this point. She wanted the kid out of her so she could start her life over again.
She’d unpacked a few boxes of gifts from family members and friends that her mother had delivered. She hadn’t really focused on what she was doing or the items she was putting away. Half of her closet was now baby clothes and the other half were clothes she no longer fit into. She found it all so comical that she didn’t even care anymore.
Most days she just lay around on her uncomfortable bed and stared up at the ceiling, dreaming she was somewhere else. Someone else.
When she’d gone into the store one day to get milk, she’d overheard some high school students talking about her. She’d stopped at the end of the aisle and listened as they talked about how Billy probably had a temper like his old man and would end up beating her.
“That’s probably why she doesn’t come outside anymore,” one of them had said. “It’s a shame. When I get married, I’ll never let my husband raise a hand to me.”
Savannah felt like laughing. Billy? Hit her? She shook her head. There couldn’t be anything farther from the truth. In fact, since she’d moved into the house, he’d done everything he could to make sure she was comfortable, short of delivering her king-sized mattress. He claimed the room was just too small for the larger bed and that she’d have to make due until he could afford to buy something newer.
But as she walked the block and a half back to the house, she couldn’t help feel guilty for the gossip. She was being a recluse after all, which was fueling all the gossip about them. She supposed it wouldn’t hurt to be seen more. Then she looked down at her belly and frowned. Did she really care about what high school kids said about her and Billy anyway?
The month of December was a blur and, before she knew it, they were going over to her parents’ house to have Christmas dinner. She hadn’t slept very well the night before, and getting dressed had taken her twice as long as usual. Her back and legs hurt more than ever and she desperately wished the kid would hurry up so she could get her body back.
When they drove up to her parents’ place, she closed her eyes as Billy walked around the car to open her door. She wanted her bed badly, but knew her mother would be disappointed if she didn’t spend the evening with them.
Getting out, she tried to ignore how nice it felt to have someone help her out of the car. Actually, Billy had been nothing but sweet and helpful since she’d moved into the green house. She rubbed her hand over her lower back and smiled a little when he was there to help her climb the few steps into her old house.
After the huge dinner, which she’d only nibbled on, they sat around the living room talking about Billy’s job. She wasn’t really paying attention to the conversation, since her lower back had started shooting pain all throughout her legs. Then she felt the gush of water rushing down her green leggings and gasped.
Her mother jumped up quickly and rushed to her side, asking a million questions. Before she could answer any of them, pain shot through her entire body, this time there was no denying the labor pains.
Her eyes closed as she tried to control her breathing, then she felt her body being lifted in strong arms. The cool night air hit her face and she opened her eyes. She looked over at Billy as he carried her out towards his truck.
“Hang on.” His dark eyes were on hers, and then his smile wavered as he saw the pain in her eyes. “I’ll get you to the hospital quickly.”
She nodded just as another pain hit her. She tried to roll her body up into a ball, but the pain was too much to move. She felt like everything was being ripped apart. Her back, her stomach, all of it was on fire.
She vaguely heard her parents tell Billy they’d meet him at the clinic, but she was too focused on the pain.
She felt his arms wrap around her as he buckled her seat belt, but then another kind of pain hit her. Pressure. She tried to push off the seat belt as a wave of urgency hit her.
“No,” she cried out. “Too close,” she said between gritted teeth. “Too soon,” she tried to tell him, grabbing his hands.
“What?” he said, looking off towards her parents’ car as they sped out of the driveway.
“The baby’s coming now.” She pushed her Christmas leggings down her legs. “Billy, now!” she cried out.
“It can’t be happening this quick.” His face paled as he watched her in horror.
“Now!” she screamed. She flung off the seat belt, grabbed his hand, and put her legs up on his dash. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes as another wave of pain hit her.
“Oh…my…God,” she heard him say, putting long spaces in between each word. Then she felt his hands on her thighs as he helped her hold her legs up. “Here it comes.” She heard his voice waver.
When she opened her eyes, she noticed that he’d removed his new Christmas jacket and was holding it under her, ready to take the baby.
She leaned her head back and groaned with another sharp pain. “Billy?” She reached out and took his hand. “I’m scared.” She looked into his deep eyes and saw his fear there as well. He nodded and tried to smile.
Just then she heard a car drive up, and she closed her eyes when she heard her parents rush back towards them.
“What the…” Her father stopped a few feet away.
“Now,” Billy said. “It’s happening now. Help.” He looked towards her mother who just stood there, smiling.
“You can do this,” her mother said eagerly. She shocked them by climbing in next to Savannah in the truck instead of taking over for Billy. Her mother smiled down at her. “Both of you can do this.” She nodded to Billy who looked back down at the little head that was coming out as Savannah pushed one more time.
“I’ve got her,” Billy said, laughing. “It’s a girl.” He laughed again as he wrapped the little white and red blotchy baby in his new two hundred dollar wool coat. “She’s beautiful.” He smiled up at her.
“Here.” Her father stepped forward and handed him a bobby pin and a knife. “To cut the cord.” He shrugged his shoulders. “It’s all I could find quickly.” He smiled and looked down at the small bundle in Billy’s arms.
“Hold her.” He reached up and handed Savannah the bundle. At first Savannah wanted to push the child away, but before she could say anything, he was setting the bundle on her lap as he used the bobby pin and knife to cut the cord.
Savannah looked down at the wet mess that was her child and then the little girl opened her dark eyes and she felt something shift inside her. She felt something she hadn’t known was possible. Pure love. Love at first sight.
Billy paced in the waiting room and walked quickly back and forth. He’d gone to the restroom and had cleaned up as much as he could. His dress shirt and pants were completely ruined, but he didn’t mind. He ran his hands through his hair one more time.
Savannah’s parents had given up on trying to get him to calm down. He wouldn’t feel calm until he could see his girls again.
Hearing the clinic doors open, he smiled as Travis and Holly walk in.
“Well?” his friend asked, shaking his hand and patting him on his shoulder.
“It’s a girl.” He smiled and laughed when his friend pulled him close and hugged him right there in front of everyone in the waiting room.
“Congratulations.” Travis laughed. “Heard you had her in the car.” He shook his head and laughed.
“Yeah, Maggie couldn’t wait.”
“Maggie?” Holly asked.
“Yeah, Maggie Elizabeth Jackson.” He smiled.
“Good name.” Holly smiled. “Did you pick it out or Savannah?”
He chuckled. “I haven’t run it by her yet.” He turned and looked at the swinging doors that led down the hallway towards the private rooms. “If they let me back there soon,
I will.”
Just then Melissa West walked in from the back, wearing her scrubs. “Billy?” She walked towards him just as Mr. and Mrs. Douglas stood up. “You can go back now. Room three.” She smiled and then looked over towards Savannah’s parents. “The room is too small for everyone at once.”
“That’s okay,” Savannah’s mother said. “We’ll wait.”
Billy turned to Travis. “Will you wait around? Maybe they’ll let me bring her out and show her off.” Travis nodded.
When Billy walked into room three, he blinked a few times to let his eyes adjust to the darker room. He could see Savannah sitting up in the bed, holding a small bundle.
“Hey,” he said, walking towards her. She looked up and smiled.
“She’s just having her first meal.” She nodded down to the dark head that was at her breast.
He walked over and sat on the bed next to her and looked in amazement at his daughter.
“Are you okay?” he asked, looking at Savannah.
“Sure.” She didn’t look up from the baby. “The doctor checked us out and we’re clean and clear to go home tomorrow.”
“That’s good.” He frowned a little. “So, I was thinking about names.”
She looked up at him. “I know. Margaret.” She nodded. “Maggie. I know,” she repeated and then smiled. “I like it.”
He chuckled. “I guess I was talking a little too loud out there.” He nodded towards the waiting room.
She chuckled and shook her head. “No, I saw the scratch paper where you’d written a list of names the other day in the kitchen.” She looked back down at the baby. “Maggie is perfect.”
“Yes.” He smiled. “Yes, she is.”
Chapter Five
Over the next few weeks, Savannah felt like packing a small bag, leaving alone, and never looking back. Anyone who said that being a new mother was easy was lying. Not only did her body hurt, but now she was expected to live on only a few hours of sleep each night.
And she’d had to change more diapers than she cared to mention. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t changed a baby’s diapers before, just never this many. It seemed like every time she turned around, Maggie was wet or dirty again. Eating, sleeping, crying, and messing her diapers seemed to be all her baby did.
Billy, for his part, was staying clear of her ever since she had chewed him out about buying the wrong sized diapers. When he did help her out with Maggie, he was always very gentle with the baby and never stopped smiling. She found it quite annoying since she was moody and tired all of the time.
Maybe it was because her breasts, which had almost doubled in size during pregnancy, were now even bigger due to the milk. She’d almost given up on breast-feeding altogether, but little Maggie was a champ at it and would usually suck her dry and still want more.
When she wasn’t dealing with Maggie, she was sleeping. She took more naps during the day than she could ever remember taking as a child. Her emotions were swinging all over the place and at times, she found herself crying for no reason at all. But every time she thought about all the difficulty she was going through, all she had to do was hold the little girl and her heart would melt a little.
Since Billy had taken off a few weeks of work, he had gotten some things done around the house that needed to be handled. He’d replaced the dishwasher with a new one, had fixed a window that had leaked the last rain they’d had, and had even moved in a new mattress for Savannah and Maggie.
She had to admit that she was grateful when he started going back in to work. He was always so overly happy about everything and it was getting on her nerves.
She just couldn’t bring herself to leave the little girl in the crib that sat across the small room from her bed. Instead, at night, she would lay the little girl next to her and fall asleep holding her. She knew everyone had told her it wasn’t a good habit, but she just couldn’t fall asleep without feeling Maggie’s little heart beat next to hers.
Before she knew it, she had fallen into a pattern and had completely forgotten the life she used to live. Her friends stopped calling her and asking if she wanted to go out. The only people she saw outside of her small home were her family.
When she’d watched Billy drive away to leave town for work, she’d felt a little sadness knowing he’d be gone for the next several months.
One day, a few weeks after he’d left, she’d gone into the Grocery Stop and had bumped into several high school girls. She couldn’t remember their names, but knew one of them was the captain of the cheer squad this year. She’d seen them practicing the last time she’d gone out to the school to help with a fundraiser. She thought back and realized it had been almost a year since she’d done anything like that. She used to be on top of every event that went on in town and had been Fairplay’s biggest event supporter until just a few months before Maggie was born.
Now she moved aside and apologized to the pair, making sure to tuck Maggie closer to her chest in the cotton wrap that hung around her front. She continued to push her almost full cart and hunt the aisles for what she needed. When she reached the end of the aisle, she heard the girls giggling and turned back just in time to hear the tall brunette say loud enough for her to hear,
“That’s her. I hear the father of the baby took off right after it was born. I guess he couldn’t stand having both of them under one roof.”
The blonde girl looked over at Savannah and smiled as her eyes ran up and down her, and then she giggled. “Can you blame him. I mean, look at her.”
The brunette nodded and giggled along as they walked out of the store without buying anything.
Savannah tried to shake it off and moved to continue her shopping. She was used to being gossiped about, especially in her own hometown. Besides, she told herself, it didn’t matter what a couple of dumb high school girls thought of her anyway.
But when she moved to the freezer aisle and grabbed a half gallon of her new Blue Bunny favorite, Cookies and Cream, she caught a glance of her reflection in the glass and gasped.
Staring back at herself, she felt the tears build up behind her eyes. It had been almost two months since Maggie had been born and she hadn’t lost a single pound of the weight she’d gained. Well, okay, she’d probably lost a pound, but to be honest, she hadn’t had the nerve to get on the old scale that sat in her bathroom.
Her hair was a mess and hadn’t been colored or cut for over six months, so naturally, her silky blonde locks were dull and raggedy. Not to mention that she’d left the house without even drying her hair, so the mass of it was tied up in a large bun on the very top of her head.
She looked more closely at her reflection and frowned. She wasn’t wearing any makeup. She had never left the house without makeup before. Never.
She left her full cart in the freezer aisle, and walked towards the front of the grocery store.
But when she went to walk around the checkout stands, the clerk, Carmen, a girl Savannah had gone to school with, stopped her.
“Is everything okay?” She stepped in front of her. Carmen was a little taller than Savannah. Her long dark hair was braided and hung over her shoulder. Her rich brown eyes were full of concern.
Savannah felt her eyes start to water and wanted the cool air outside. She didn’t cry often, but when she did, she did it in privacy.
She nodded her head and tried to walk around Carmen, who just put a hand on her shoulders. “Savannah, is there anything I can help with?”
Just hearing those words caused the damn walls to crack and before she knew it, she was blabbering and wailing to this stranger standing in the front of the Grocery Stop for all to hear. Maggie was still strapped to the stroller in front of her.
Carmen took her shoulders and walked her to a small room in the front of the store. She handed her a box of tissues.
“I know how bad hormones can be. I’ve got a boy and a girl myself.” Carmen smiled and nodded to a framed picture of two small kids. “Did those girls say something to set this all
off?”
Savannah shook her head. “What do I care about what some dumb high school kids think.” Savannah sniffled again.
Carmen chuckled. “That sounds like the old Savannah I know.”
She looked up at her and frowned. “You know me?”
Carmen laughed. “My whole life. Now, I’ll give you some advice that someone gave me once a long time ago. Listen to what others say about you…”—she held up her hand and stopped Savannah from speaking—“Listen, but don’t take it to heart. If what they say is true, and you agree with them and have it in your power to change, then change.”
Savannah frowned at her and hiccuped. “That’s really terrible advice.”
Carmen smiled and nodded. “It works great when the thing you’re changing is the pair of jeans your parents bought you, but not so well in all other matters.”
“I didn’t give you that advice did I?”
Carmen laughed even more and nodded. “Yes. You thought I should wear skinny jeans instead of boot cut.” She shrugged her shoulders and patted her capri pants. “So, I changed to something I felt comfortable with.”
Savannah laughed and instantly felt better.
“Thank you.” She blew her nose again.
“For?” Carmen frowned a little.
Savannah shrugged her shoulders. “I haven’t talked to anyone for a while. Like this.” She sighed.
Carmen laughed. “Well, I’m here five days a week.” Then she sighed and Savannah watched as sadness crept into her eyes. “Maybe starting six or seven days soon.”
When she got home, she gently put Maggie down in her crib and walked into her bathroom and stood in front of the mirror. She was still wearing her maternity clothes, so they weren’t stylish at all. Not to mention they were huge. She sighed. She was still huge.
Removing her clothes, she stood before the mirror again. Her body was a mess. There were stretch marks down the inner sides of her thighs. She still had a pooch on her stomach and when her eyes moved up to her breasts, she sighed. Would they ever go back down?
