by Penny Jordan
‘I’m sorry, Catherine.’ Dr Sellers was sitting on the bed, taking one of her pale hands in his. Her eyes darted to Rico, trying somehow to gauge his reaction. But he stared sternly ahead, his eyes fixedly avoiding hers, his jaw set in stone, muscles quilting around his face and his hands clenched by his sides as the verdict was delivered. ‘Your hormone levels have dropped since I took your blood last week. They’re supposed to go up,’ he added gently, as Catherine shook her head against the pillow, pulling her hand away and shielding her eyes with it, trying to block out a world that seemed to relish the dirt it dished out to her.
‘It’s called a blighted ovum, which means that there was a pregnancy, but only fleetingly. Quite simply, it never progressed beyond the very early stages. As I said in my office, sometimes this is nature’s way of letting go and, hard as it is, you have to remember that. It was simply not meant to be.’
Not meant to be.
He could have been talking about her and Rico.
A love that had surely been there, however fleetingly, but that quite simply couldn’t grow—no matter how she wanted it to, how she nurtured it, needed it. A love that wasn’t meant to be.
‘This is no one’s fault,’ Dr Sellers continued, pulling her hand down and trying to look her in the eye, but as her eyes shot to Rico he turned to him also. ‘Neither of you must blame yourselves or each other for what has happened.’
Wasted words.
One look at Rico and she knew she had lost him for ever. One look at his black coal-chip eyes staring stonily ahead and Catherine knew that quite simply it was over.
‘It’s not you I’m worried about.’
The recollection of his words taunted her now. The baby had been his priority and she had lost it for him—had followed her heart, ignoring her aching, tired body, and gone to work. Rico would never, ever forgive her.
If ever he had despised her that paled into insignificance now, as Dr Sellers left them alone. Rico was a distant figure, standing resolute and unreachable by the bed, and Catherine ached for him to sit beside her, to take her in his arms and tell her it was all okay.
‘Rico…’ It was all she could manage, but he didn’t respond to her lonely cry, just stared fixedly ahead.
Lily’s cries filled the hall, and they seemed to pierce her soul, a painful reminder of all she had lost. Rico pulled a blanket from the wardrobe, laid it over her, and for a second so small it was barely there he held her gaze, his eyes laced with pain, confusion, fear, even, and she ached to comfort him, for him to comfort her, for them to hold each other and weep for what they had just lost.
But just as quickly as he’d met her gaze he pulled away, his voice harsh and austere, a world away from the tenderness they had shared last night. ‘Try and sleep.’
‘Please don’t leave me.’
‘I have to go to Lily.’ Still he didn’t look at her, his voice as cold and removed as if he were addressing a stranger.
‘Jessica can take care of Lily for a moment.’
‘Jessica is at the shops,’ Rico responded briskly, but still Catherine persisted.
‘What Dr Sellers said about blame…’
‘You need to rest, Catherine.’ A pounding on the front door was all the excuse Rico needed to walk out, but Catherine called him back.
‘Rico, I need you here with me. Surely one of the staff can get the door…?’
‘There are no staff.’ Rico’s voice was void of expression, and she’d have preferred the familiar fiery man than the empty shell that stared back at her. ‘Apart from Jessica, I gave them the weekend off; we were attempting “normal” this weekend, remember?’
He didn’t slam the door, but still she jumped when he closed it, listening to his footsteps on the stairs. The low, angry voices barely registered as she lay staring at the ceiling, hardly blinking when the bedroom door opened and Rico and Antonia stepped inside.
‘Antonia says this can’t wait.’ Rico’s voice was clipped. ‘I explained you weren’t feeling well, but she was insistent.’
‘I’m sorry.’ Antonia stood awkwardly at the edge of the bed. ‘I thought Rico was making excuses when he said you were unwell, but clearly…’ Her voice trailed off and she turned to go, but then changed her mind. ‘I’m sorry for intruding. I had no idea Catherine was pregnant—no idea this was anything other than a marriage for appearances’ sake. It would seem I misjudged you both.’ Her hand reached out and she patted Catherine tenderly on the arm. ‘I’m sorry to hear about your baby, Catherine.’ Her eyes drifted uncomfortably to her stepson. ‘I’m sorry for your loss too, Rico. I know it might seem hard to believe, but I do understand what you’re going through.’
The look Rico gave her clearly indicated he assumed Antonia had absolutely no idea, but a wistful note in her voice stirred something within Catherine. ‘You lost a baby too?’
Antonia nodded slowly. ‘I lost four,’ she replied slowly, fiddling awkwardly with her earrings as Catherine stared back. ‘And each time I was told not to worry, that there were years ahead for me to have children, that this was just nature’s way…’ Her voice wavered for a moment before continuing. ‘And I know how empty those words sound at the time, so I won’t waste your time with them.’
‘There was something you wanted to say?’ Catherine offered as Antonia turned to leave.
‘I’ll come back in a few days,’ Antonia replied. ‘When you’re feeling a bit better.’
‘I’m fine.’ Pulling herself up on the pillows, Catherine forced a brave smile. ‘It really was very early days—I’m probably being a bit precious, lying here. If I hadn’t known I was pregnant I would have just assumed it was…’
‘It’s not the physical pain, though, is it?’ Antonia said wisely, and not for the first time Catherine found herself warming to her; not for the first time the enemy didn’t seem quite so unapproachable.
‘I’ll leave you two to it,’ Rico said uncomfortably, but Antonia called him back.
‘You should stay, Rico. What I have to say affects you both.’
Still she stood stiff and awkward, but there was a dignity about her as she spoke, and Catherine listened with both interest and admiration as Antonia addressed her stepson.
‘I was wrong to expect you to accept me all those years ago, Rico. I hurt your mother, and you had every right to hate me, but in my defence all I can say is that I did love your father very much. I still do.’ Her words were soft and emotive but Rico stood unmoved.
‘So money had nothing to do with it?’ he asked mockingly, but surprisingly Antonia nodded.
‘I liked the money too, Rico. I admit that. I also admit that I was wrong to accuse you of underselling the business. You gave your father and Marco a more than generous price. They weren’t prepared to work and, as lucrative as the company was under your mother, it only really turned into the empire it now is once you took it over.’
‘I know all that,’ Rico said rudely. ‘So why are you really here, Antonia? Why the supposed olive branch?’
‘Rico!’ Catherine broke in, appalled at his rudeness. ‘At least hear what Antonia has to say! I’m sorry,’ she said, flustered, turning to the older woman, but Rico hadn’t finished yet.
‘Don’t apologise on my behalf, Catherine.’ His eyes turned to his stepmother. ‘I don’t know what your agenda is this time, Antonia, and I don’t know what your motives are for coming here. If I appear rude then so be it; I make no apology. I can take what you did to me, Antonia, but it’s the hurt you’ve caused those closest to me I cannot accept, and I will not let you do it again. So I’m warning you, if you’re going to say anything to upset my wife, now really isn’t the time. I swear to God if you upset her tonight, when we’ve just lost our child, you’ll never set foot in this house again and I’ll do whatever I have to do to ensure you have no further contact with Lily.’
‘I have no intention of upsetting Catherine.’ Antonia stood resolute, but as she spoke her voice wavered, those well-made-up eyes brimming with te
ars that could never be manufactured. ‘And as for Lily—I’ve instructed our solicitor to withdraw our application for custody.’
Someone gasped, and it took a moment for Catherine to realise it had been her. Her eyes darted to Rico, trying to read his expression, but he stood tense and silent, his jaw firmly set as Antonia tentatively continued.
‘Carlos and I have spoken at length and we realise that Lily deserves more than two retirees can give her. As much as we love her, as much as we want to be there for her—well, with the best will in the world we’re in our sixties…’
‘So why the sudden change of heart?’ Rico’s voice told Catherine he remained unconvinced, eternally suspicious. Antonia’s tears wouldn’t move him an inch. ‘You haven’t aged a decade in the last few weeks. What made you suddenly decide to give it all away?’
‘You did, Rico.’ Antonia looked across at her stepson. ‘You and Catherine have turned your worlds upside down to provide a home for Lily. Look, I admit that until now I thought this was nothing more than a marriage of convenience, nothing more than a sham to win round the judges…’
‘And even then you were prepared to walk away?’ A muscle was pounding in Rico’s cheek and it seemed to match Catherine’s own heart-rate as Antonia blindly continued.
‘Even then.’ Antonia nodded softly. ‘It hit me how much you must love Lily, Rico. That you would give up your own chance of happiness, live in a loveless marriage to ensure your niece’s future; you too, Catherine.’ She turned and smiled, not noticing Catherine’s face paling on the pillow, her hands clenched by her sides as the nails hammered deeper into the coffin. ‘I know I couldn’t do it.’
‘You really love my father?’ Rico’s voice was raw.
‘I’ve always loved your father, Rico,’ Antonia replied softly, ‘and I always will. I’m just sorry it caused so much pain for so many people. I don’t expect your acceptance or forgiveness, Rico. I want it, of course, but I understand if it’s too much to ask. What I do ask though, is that your father and I can have regular contact. We want to be a part of Lily’s life, Rico—hopefully now for all the right reasons.’
Rico gave a small nod, his expression still wary, but his Adam’s apple bobbed a couple of times before he spoke, and when it came his voice was laced with emotion.
‘And you shall be.’ For the first time he looked at Antonia without malice. For the first time his voice was soft when he addressed her. ‘I will see you out.’
* * *
How long she lay there she wasn’t sure, but darkness had replaced the late-evening sun, the shadows matching her heavy gloom. Lily’s heavy sobs flicked into her consciousness and she held the pillow over her head, trying to block out the cries; the pain in her stomach was easing now, and Catherine missed it.
Missed the pain that matched the agony of an ending to what had never really begun, to tentative dreams that had never really stretched their wings.
She held her breath in her lungs as she heard Rico cross the landing, heard the nursery door close. Lily’s cries gave way to silence and she waited, waited for him to come to her—if not to make things better, then to make things a little more bearable. But as the lonely moon drifted past her window Catherine knew she had lost so much more than just her baby tonight,
In the scheme of things she knew her loss barely registered a blip, that maybe Dr Sellers was right—yes, she was young; yes, there would be other babies. But she wanted that one, wanted the child she had lost this day, a baby she could almost see, almost feel. This was the baby she ached for, this was the baby she mourned, and if Rico wouldn’t come to her now, in the depths of her grief, couldn’t mourn the child they had just lost with her, then what was the point?
No point at all.
There were no ties that bound them now. No baby to unite them, no custody battle to pursue, just a mere legality that would be taken care of easily.
A marriage in name only that had been over before it had started.
She dressed in a moment, packing quickly. She hadn’t been in Rico’s world long enough to accumulate much, except perhaps the broken heart that would surely weigh her down for the rest of her days.
She wandered the lonely house, bracing herself at each door to witness his beauty—in the lounge, perhaps, nursing a whisky, or in the study, working long into the night. Finally she found him, asleep in the rocking chair, hiding from her as she had from him, Lily dozing in his arms.
Lily Mancini.
A smile ghosted across her face at the sight that greeted her.
How she couldn’t have seen it she truly didn’t comprehend. Lily could be Rico’s child—the same long dark lashes swept over slanting cheekbones, the same full, slightly superior mouth, that even in sleep never really relaxed.
And she loved her.
Loved her enough to do the right thing by her.
To give her the life Janey would have wanted for her.
Slowly she ran her fingers over the soft down of the sleeping babe’s hair, gazing now not at the child who slept but at the man who held her, meeting his stare as his eyes flicked open.
‘I’m going, Rico.’
He stared back at her, taking a minute to focus, his bewildered expression deepening as he took in her clothes, the bag at the door and the utter defeat in her voice.
‘Catherine—’ He went to stand, but Lily let out a moan of protest and he moved quickly to gently hush her. He lowered her into the cot, soothing the babe with words as his eyes implored Catherine to hold on, to wait so they could talk. ‘You can’t just go.’ Lily was starting to fret now, perhaps sensing the loaded atmosphere, but Rico was facing Catherine, demanding that she listen. ‘You should be in bed. You’re not well…’ He gestured to the crying infant in a final stab at reaching her. ‘Lily needs you.’
‘No, Rico.’ Catherine’s voice was a hoarse whisper. ‘I thought she needed me, I thought I was the right person to bring her up—convinced myself that was what Janey would have wanted. But Janey hated me. Why do I flatter myself that she’d want me raising her child?’
‘Because you know this is the right thing to do!’
‘Janey despised me, Rico.’ Catherine’s words were without pity, without bitterness. ‘Janey wanted money and wealth, and she’d have wanted the same for her daughter. I truly thought I was doing the right thing, truly believed that I could do a better job than Antonia.’ She shook her head, bit hard on the tears that were now threatening, refusing to break down at this late stage, determined to escape with her last shred of dignity. ‘Antonia loves her; she proved that today. Lily’s going to grow up surrounded by people who adore her.’
‘She needs you,’ Rico insisted, following her out to the hall. ‘I need you.’
His words stilled her, but only for a moment. She squeezed her eyes closed as his words ricocheted through her, hating him for making this harder than it needed to be.
‘You don’t, though, Rico.’ She couldn’t bring herself to look at him, couldn’t bring herself to turn around and witness what she was losing. ‘You’ve won. As long as you allow Antonia and your father to see Lily, you can have her.’
‘I need you,’ he said again, his hand on her shoulder, turning her slowly around, but his strong features blurred through her tear-filled eyes.
‘No, Rico,’ Catherine said softly. ‘We lost our baby tonight and still you didn’t come to me. If you need me so much, why weren’t you there?’
‘There were reasons, Catherine, and if you will give me a moment I will explain them to you…’
‘I’m tired of your excuses, Rico—tired of the reasons you conjure up to hide your heart from the world. So I’m going, Rico, because I can’t live like this for a moment longer. I can’t live in a marriage that isn’t about love, and despite what you say, despite the contempt you regard it with, I still believe in love, still believe in the fairytale. Still believe that one day I will be loved as I deserve to be loved.’
‘Then stay.’ His words were ragged
as he followed her to the stairwell, pulled at her jacket in a desperate attempt to stall her. ‘Hear what I have to say before you walk out on us…’ He grabbed at her handbag as she started to descend the stairs, urgency in his voice, haste in his actions as he tried to reach out to her.
‘Rico, please.’ She was pulling at her bag now, in a futile tug of war, tears blurring her vision, her head dizzy with emotion. She wrenched it away, the sudden jolt as he let go was all it took for her to lose her footing, and the banister was out of reach as her flailing arm reached for it.
‘Catherine!’ His shout was one of pure anguish, but his reflexes were like lightning. Instinctively he reached out and pulled her back from the brink, grabbing her into the safety of his embrace—the only thing that stopped her from toppling the dangerous length of the stairwell. As she looked up through startled eyes she registered the horror in his expression at her near fall, and their chests rose and fell in unison as the shock of what had nearly taken place dawned.
It was Rico who recovered first, his voice ragged, his breathing rapid, still holding her trembling body in his arms, still somehow protecting her even as he finally let her go.
‘Is that how badly you want to leave, Catherine? That you would throw yourself down the stairs rather than stay and talk to me?’
She hadn’t been throwing herself down the stairs, it would have been a simple accident, but she chose not to correct him. A metaphorical door was opening, and Catherine chose to go through it.
‘I’ll leave in an ambulance if that’s what it takes, but I am going, Rico.’
‘I’m not your jailer Catherine.’ There was a curious dignity in his voice as he stared down at her, a wounded pride in his manner now he had released her from his arms. ‘This was never how it was supposed to be.’
‘I know that,’ she whispered through pale, trembling lips, then walked slowly down the stairwell, unhindered physically, but with every cell in her body begging her to stay, to return to all she loved. She turned to him with tear-filled eyes, trying to block out Lily’s sobs but failing to do so. ‘Tell Lily I do love her. I’ll call.’
