Reflections In a Jaundiced Eye
Page 18
Congratulations! Your purchase of THE SKID DAISY proves that you are the kind of person that knows what can happen in the bathtub!
THE SKID DAISY obsoletes everything else in bathtub caution.
THE SKID DAISY is different than other safety-oriented devices.
THE SKID DAISY prevents you from a skidding experience as it is designed to totally cover the entire bottom of your bathtub.
THE SKID DAISY allows you to leave go of safety bars and use both hands for your shower activity owing to the fact that it’s outer surface is treated with invisible suction cups that gently grip your feet, to the naked eye.
THE SKID DAISY holds your soap still in the event that you dropped it.
THE SKID DAISY decors your whole new bathroom!
THE SKID DAISY gives your guests something to talk about!
That’s what THE SKID DAISY is all about!
Directions for installing your THE SKID DAISY:
1. Open bathroom window! Your THE SKID DAISY is treated with a special superchemical which impacts irritating nasal membranes if the room is not air-oriented.
2. Center the drain hole opening over your drain hole and peel away sufficient of it’s outer protectiving layer to expose three or four inches of your THE SKID DAISY to the bottom of your bathtub, pressing.
3. Continue to repeat until your entire bottom of your bathtub is covered and it’s outer protectiving layer is completely peeled off.
4. Feel to see if there are any puckers before wetting it with your fingers.
5. If you are not satisfied with your THE SKID DAISY, write to Pam Parker in our Public Relations Department, or dial 1-800-SKIDNOT, who will address the toll-free problem.
Do not write to Pam Parker unless you want more of the same, because she and the classical stylist who wrote the brochure are one and the same person:
Dear Ms. King:
Firstly, let me say how sorry we were to hear about your experience with regard to your THE SKID DAISY.
Thank you muchly for the X-ray of your irritating membranes, the photograph of your bathtub, the photograph of your feet, and the other photograph. With this end in view, I have transpired it to our lawyer’s, who will formulate an irrespective opinion as to the obligation of your injuries, pertaining.
As you wrote to us previous to the time limit within 30 days of the subsequent purchase agreement to the dead line’s running out was up, our warranty gladly inforces us a guarantee to send you a free gift replacement of a new THE SKID DAISY.
Please advise as to which choice you wish to prefer between the Greek Temples, Tropical Paradise, Arizona Sunset, or our new Chinese-oriented design.
Skidlessly Your’s,
Pam
20
EPILOGUE
I’ve sung of strangers seeking class,
Full of smiling fury,
Wandering lonely as a cloud
And serving on a jury.
So it’s home again, and home again,
America for me!
Where they punch you out for smoking
And not saying “he or she.”
The land of giddy voters
Where all have got the right
To step into the booth and cast
A certain slant of blight.
It takes a heap o’ heapin’
In a house to make a heap
Of women’s liberation
That would make a strong man weep.
Of Crisis Outreach Hot Lines
And a host of working mothers,
And constant admonitions
To be sensitive to others.
Regarding our Democrazy
And all of those who love it,
I’ll quote my angel mother now
And end by saying “Shove it.”
ALSO BY FLORENCE KING:
SOUTHERN LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
WASP, WHERE IS THY STING?
HE: AN IRREVERENT LOOK AT THE AMERICAN MALE
WHEN SISTERHOOD WAS IN FLOWER
CONFESSIONS OF A FAILED SOUTHERN LADY
(AS LAURA BUCHANAN)
THE BARBARIAN PRINCESS
REFLECTIONS IN A JAUNDICED EYE. Copyright © 1989 by Florence King. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.
Design by Jaye Zimet
eISBN 9781466816244
First eBook Edition : March 2012
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
King, Florence.
Reflections in a jaundiced eye.
1. American wit and humor. I. Title.
PS3561.I4754R4 1989
818’.5407
88-29810
ISBN 0-312-03978-6
First St. Martin’s Griffin Edition: April 1990