“I’m sorry,” Mandy said softly. Her lower lip quivered. “I’m sorry I missed lunch.”
Amelia wanted to laugh at how silly that sounded. How stupid lunch was when compared to everything else! She stepped into the grey light of the bedroom and pushed the door closed behind her. Mandy collapsed back at the edge of the bed and dug a Twizzler from a bag. She ate the edge of it somberly and stared down at the floor.
“You really didn’t have to come all the way over here,” Mandy said.
“Of course I did.” Amelia laughed and then added, “And you know everything in Edgartown is about five minutes away from everything else.”
Mandy gave a sad shrug. She then lifted the bag of Twizzlers to offer Amelia one. She took one of the rubbery sugary snacks and then sat next to Mandy. Again, she inhaled a bit too much and acknowledged the stench of the room.
“Everything is such a mess,” Mandy whispered.
Amelia placed her hand across Mandy’s upper back and rubbed at the tense muscles near her neck. The girl was on an emotional rollercoaster, and it had only just begun. Probably, it would last the rest of her life.
“Did you talk to your dad?” Amelia asked, wondering if this was the reason for the depressive episode.
Mandy shook her head. “No. And I haven’t even told Colin about the baby, either.”
“Colin?”
“The father,” Mandy turned to look at her aunt. “He’s a senior and headed to Yale. I’m pretty sure he won’t want to stick around for some baby.”
Amelia’s heart darkened. How unfair it was that this boy was allowed this bright future while Mandy tried to rot herself away in this bedroom.
“But you have to tell him sometime,” Amelia advised.
“I guess.”
The silence stretched between them. For the first time since Suzy had left, Amelia felt at a complete loss for words.
“I just wanted to hear it from her,” Mandy said suddenly.
Amelia’s ears perked up. “What do you mean?”
Mandy dragged a finger beneath her eye to mop up a tear. “I hadn’t talked to her since my sixteenth birthday.”
Oh. Amelia knew immediately who Mandy referred to.
Her own mother. Suzy.
“She was in the middle of something when I first called her last night, so I called her back this morning. Early. Between her jog and her yoga session,” Mandy explained. Her words were sour. “I could hear the sound of the city in the background. It sounded so alive, full of noise. And her voice was bright and chipper and somehow rich if that’s even a thing a voice can be? Like you can just hear the fact that they live in one of those high-rise apartment buildings near Central Park.”
Mandy sniffled as Amelia rubbed her upper shoulders harder.
“She asked me what I needed. As though I wasn’t allowed to just call my own mother when I felt like it,” Mandy said. “I mean, we’re kind of strangers, and I know that. But she did live in this house for like ten years with me. Ten years is a hell of a long time.”
“It really is.”
“Anyway. I kind of skirted around the point for a while. I asked her about her stupid dogs. I asked her about Manhattan. She was happy to tell me all about the party she and that idiot husband of hers threw last weekend and about how much money they spent on champagne alone. She rattled on about that for a long time until she finally asked me, ‘Hey, so, how’s senior year?’ Honestly, I was surprised she even remembered I’m about to graduate high school. I kind of told her that I was almost done with cheerleading, and she remarked that I was always so flexible, as though she was actually impressed with that. I do remember saying, ‘Mom! Watch me!’ and doing cartwheels in the backyard. Probably, she didn’t watch me. Probably, she just drank herself silly and then got mad at Dad and found reasons to fight with him. Guaranteed, that’s how it went. Anyway, listen to me. I’m totally losing steam.”
Amelia’s throat constricted with sorrow. Mandy hadn’t spoken of her mother over the years, not a great deal, and it pained Amelia to know that Mandy carried around these memories, as kind of “proof” to herself that maybe, just maybe, she wasn’t enough for Suzy. That she’d never been enough.
“Finally, I asked her, though. I figured, what the heck? I’ve lost everything else, so I might as well just ask her. ‘Why did you leave us? How could you just up and leave your children?’
“She didn’t answer for a few seconds. I could tell the questions threw her off. But she finally said that she knew right after me and Jake were born that she wasn’t fully cut out to be a mother. That God had other plans for her. Can you believe she actually said that about God?”
Mandy turned her eyes toward Amelia’s. They were brimmed with tears that she couldn’t control any longer. Her heart ached for her niece and Amelia couldn’t understand how a mother could do that. Ever.
Amelia furrowed her brow. “You can’t think that what your mother did was the right thing to do. It was completely selfish. It was not God’s plan. It wasn’t anyone’s plan but her own. Do you understand that?”
Mandy’s shoulders quaked and she nodded. “I’m just so worried, Aunt Amelia. What if I take one look at this baby and realize what my mother knew about herself? What if I turn out just like her? What if I blame my baby for everything that goes wrong in my life and then take off?”
Amelia wrapped her arms around Mandy as she shook against her. Her heart surged with anger. In fact, she’d never hated Suzy more than she hated her at this moment. She could almost handle the fact that Suzy had left, abandoning her children, but she couldn’t take the idea that she had put doubt in Mandy’s own mind about her ability to be a mother.
When Amelia leaned back, she made full eye contact with her niece and whispered, “I knew your mother well, Mandy. I knew her as an adult in ways that you couldn’t have known her. And I’ve watched you grow up from day one. The only thing I know for sure is this. You are about a hundred times stronger than your mother ever was. She’s a weak person. She could be lovely, even wonderful, at times. But she didn’t have the strength to stick around. I know for a fact that you will. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever known.”
Over the next few hours, Amelia and Mandy spoke only intermittently as they cleaned her bedroom, did a load of laundry, and made a healthy lunch. So much had been said and so much had been revealed that menial conversation seemed lackluster.
Once, as Mandy stabbed a tomato with her fork, she said, “I’m sorry I didn’t show enough interest in your date last week. I really am so happy you went out.”
Amelia gave her a sad smile. “It’s understandable that you didn’t have the mental energy to think about it. And even though it was the tiniest bit traumatic, I have to say that I’m grateful I went. I think I proved something to myself.”
Mandy nodded somberly. “I guess that’s all we can do. We need to push ourselves to be more than we were the day before.”
“Always so much wiser than your years,” Amelia said, smiling at her.
“And yet, too dumb to use protection,” Mandy replied with a laugh.
Mandy admitted she had to take a nap around four. Amelia watched as the girl tumbled between the clean sheets and wrapped herself up tight in her comforter. As Amelia eased back toward the front door, she watched as Jake and a few of his friends rushed down the road, tossing a football between them. You could feel it in their every movement that they were excited for summer to approach, and they would take pleasure in every moment.
Yet Mandy, poor Mandy, had to face adulthood in a very different way.
This was the nature of women, Amelia thought. They had to carry the burden of the world.
Chapter Eleven
Amelia headed into the Frosted Delights Bakery the following late-morning, right in the middle of a full-fledged Sunday rush. She spotted a frazzled Jennifer across the sea of heads, her eyes focused as she tried to take down everyone’s orders correctly.
“That’s three caram
el cappuccinos? No, one vanilla, two caramel. Got it,” she said, just loud enough for Amelia to hear.
Amelia stopped at the back of the line, just outside the door, and listened to the pleasant cacophony of Edgartown and Oak Bluffs’ folks’ conversations. Sunday was a day for family and communion, of gratefulness, and for freshly baked donuts. Despite Amelia’s continued sadness over yesterday’s debacle with Mandy, she allowed herself to stir in the happiness of her surroundings.
When she arrived at the register, Jennifer managed a smile and said, “Same old Sunday order as ever?”
“You got it,” Amelia said.
“Cool. I already set it aside for you,” Jennifer told her. She reached for a large box of a dozen assorted donuts and placed it on the counter. “I’ll put it on your tab. You tell your parents hello for me, okay?”
“I will,” Amelia said.
That moment, Ariane, Jennifer’s mother, appeared in her wheelchair. She’d been in the back, up to her elbows in floury dough. She grinned broadly, proof of her continued health, and said, “Tell Anita hi for me, too!”
“I will. She says she misses you,” Amelia said as she gathered the box in her arms and made her way to the door.
“Tell her to come by the house,” Ariane offered. “Jen won’t let me work here as much as I’d like and it makes for a lot of downtime.”
As Amelia walked back into the late-March sunshine, she thought back to long-ago afternoons when her best friends and their mothers had gathered together. Always a big club of Edgartown women, with bonds just as powerful as blood. Unfortunately, their mothers hadn’t kept as close as Olivia, Mila, Jennifer, Camilla, and Amelia had, although their love was an ever-constant thing.
Amelia arrived at her parents’ place a few minutes later. Her father yanked the box of donuts from her arms jokingly as her mother dotted a kiss on Amelia’s cheek and said, “Oh, darling, you’re looking entirely too thin. Promise me you’ll have a protein shake before you leave. You’re working yourself to death, for God sakes.”
Daniel, Mandy, and Jake had gathered in the back breakfast nook, around glasses of orange juice and cups of coffee.
“You sure you don’t want a cup of coffee, Mandy?” Anita asked brightly. “You were so fond of it earlier this year. Remember what she said, Danny? Milk and sugar were for suckers.”
Daniel laughed appreciatively as Mandy and Amelia made eye contact. Obviously, she wasn’t drinking coffee for a reason; soon, the reason would explode to the surface. Everyone in that room would have to reckon with it in a different way.
“No thanks, Grandma,” Mandy declined with a small smile. “I’ll just stick with orange juice.”
“Good for you, honey. Coffee is just another adult addiction anyway,” Daniel said as he stepped toward Amelia and gave her a side-hug. “Mandy said you stopped by yesterday?”
“I did. Not for very long, though,” Amelia said as she tucked a strand of hair around her ear. “We had some fun, made some lunch and had some girl talk. Nothing major.”
“You should have stuck around. We’ve been waiting for you to watch that new Denzel Washington movie,” Daniel said. “You told us if we watched it without you, you’d never forgive us.”
Amelia had almost no memory of that. “Shoot. Next weekend?” she offered, although even as she said it, she felt herself forgetting all about it again.
She sat next to Mandy and side-eyed her. She had cleaned herself up well, completely eliminated the greasy, hanging strands of hair and the sallow expression on her face. Now, she picked at her donut slowly, as though it was about to jump up off the table to bite her back. Mandy had mentioned something the previous day about her fears around a “changing body,” to which Amelia had said, “It’s nothing compared to the beautiful things you’ll experience in motherhood. It won’t matter at all.”
She’d said it as though she understood it and of course, she didn’t. They both knew that. At least it had sounded right in the moment.
Around noon, Jake announced he had to step out to meet a friend. His grandfather asked if the “friend” was a “girl,” and Jake rolled his eyes and said, “So nosy, Grandpa,” in a way that told everyone that, yes, he was off to meet a girl. This made Anita turn her eyes toward Mandy and ask, “I don’t suppose there’s anyone special in your life, Mandy? Maybe it’s not so smart, what with graduation approaching so fast. I’m sure you’ll run off somewhere and meet a guy off the island. Imagine that! Our Mandy. Off on the adventure of a lifetime. College.”
Mandy’s shoulders slumped, even as her voice remained bright. “Yeah. Not a good time for any of that romance stuff.”
“Oh, but you’ll have to find someone for prom,” Anita affirmed. “It’s your senior prom, after all. It will be one of the most important memories of your young life!”
After a pause, Mandy stood and nearly toppled over the table. Her fingers shook. “I’m sorry. I just...I remembered I also have to meet a friend.”
Amelia stepped to the side while Daniel, Jake, and the grandparents ogled Mandy curiously. Everyone sensed she was upset, but everyone brushed it aside. They just called it “teenage angst.”
Amelia walked Mandy to the door and watched as she tugged her spring jacket over her shoulder. “Do you want me to come with you?” she asked.
Mandy just shrugged, which Amelia took as proof she was needed. She hustled back to the breakfast nook to announce her departure, as well. Her mother followed her to the closet while Mandy waited for her outside and the men continued to eat donuts — always hungry and never upset. Wasn’t that the way?
“That girl is lucky to have you,” her mother said as she dotted a finger against Amelia’s nose. “I always tell your father. It’s good you never had your own. These kids need you.”
Amelia half-resented when her mother said things like this, although she knew she meant well. She tried on a false smile, then hugged her mother and said, “I’ll see you later this week. I’m sure there’s a basketball game on the schedule. Or baseball? That’s coming up quick.”
“Can’t keep track of the passing days,” her mother said as Amelia hustled toward the front door. “Be safe out there. I heard about your little car accident. I hate to think of you rushing through town from one meeting to another.”
Amelia arched her brow as she pulled the front door open. “You heard about it? How did you hear?”
Her mother shrugged. “You know how gossip flies on this island. Didn’t take me long to learn.”
With that, her mother’s eyes sparkled ominously as though she knew a whole lot more than just the car accident. As though she knew about Amelia’s little one-night-stand.
But she was much too conservative to let on.
AMELIA WALKED MANDY along the water for a number of minutes. Both pushed their hands in their pockets and focused their eyes on the sweeping waves. When they reached the area near the docks, where Mandy had confessed her pregnancy the week before, Mandy pressed her hand against her stomach and said, “I really need to go home, I think. I feel nauseous. That donut didn’t do me any favors.”
Amelia walked Mandy the rest of the way back to Daniel’s place. She waited in the living room while Mandy went into the bathroom for a long time. When she returned, her face was pale. “I just want to take a nap. You shouldn’t stay.”
“I can stay,” Amelia informed her solemnly.
“Don’t be stupid. Go outside. It’s beautiful out there,” Mandy insisted. “If I didn’t feel on the verge of sleeping for the next forty years, I would be out there, too.”
Amelia waited for a good thirty minutes, flipping through various magazines before she headed out into the sweet, spring-time breeze. She texted Mandy as she walked, telling her to call her if she needed anything — anything at all. Mandy didn’t respond. Probably, she was deep in dreamland. Amelia was grateful for that, although she felt at a complete loss. What could she do for this poor girl? What could she possibly say?
Amelia wandered back
toward the docks. She felt strange, contemplative, and she gripped the wooden railing and gazed out toward the horizon line, where she spotted the Edgartown Harbor Lighthouse. It had been built in 1875 but was now just used as a museum and for private parties. To Amelia, it represented so much of the island’s wonderful and vibrant history — something she was sometimes obsessive about. Even her best friends joked about Amelia and her “love of history.” Back in high school, she had been content to spend hours at the library. Usually, Olivia had been up for a few hours of that, as well, although Olivia’s obsession had been fiction, while Amelia had loved the stories of the known residents of the island. That love had led to everything else — to Amelia’s career at city hall and the immense love she had for the people around her.
Something caught her eye off to the left. At first, she thought it was maybe a bird or perhaps a fish at the surface of the water. But when she turned her head, she found a waving hand, attached to a sturdy-looking man, who gripped the mast of his sailboat. He beamed at her like he knew her, although that seemed impossible. Amelia hardly congregated with anyone outside of her circle of dear friends and family.
“Ms. Taylor!” the man called out.
Amelia’s heart hammered as her limbs stiffened. The sailboat drew closer toward the docks, which put the man’s face in better view. That moment, an arrogant yet wonderfully attractive smile, snaked from ear to ear, and the breeze swept his hair back behind his ears. As his green eyes connected with hers, his name sprung to her mind.
Of course. Oliver Krispin. That horrible man.
Of course, he had a sailboat.
Amelia stepped back from the docks. She felt in “fight or flight” mode and turned on her heel, ready to head back toward Daniel’s place. But before she could, Olivier waved his arm again and said, “Hold on just a second. Let me tie up.”
37 Peases Point Way Page 7
