Neal sniffles a little and nods as best he can. He takes several deep breaths.
“I don’t like this. I don’t like being like this- I don’t ever want to make either of you sad.”
“So why?”
Neal closes his eyes and sighs lightly before replying.
“I’m just so tired. This is so much hard work. I want these babies so much- I love them already- but being pregnant is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’m tired of it. I hate it. I want it to be over already. It makes me think these things and do these things I don’t really want, but it’s like I can’t stop myself. I just… I don’t want to do this anymore, but I have to. I know I have more months of this so I can get them here safely.”
Desmond hugs Neal tightly and kisses Neal’s forehead.
“Anything we can do to help, you know we will.”
“I know.” Neal nods. “Thank you for that. Both of you.” He smiles at Desmond and squeezes Alex’s hand tightly. “I know you help as much as you can, but you can’t do anything about this. It’s not as if you can start growing the babies instead of me. I have to do this. I just… I never thought it would be this hard. I want this to be finished and to have our babies.”
“I’m so sorry you’re hurting this way.” Alex tightens his arms around Neal. “I would make it all go faster to stop you getting so upset. I would do anything I could to make it easier for you.”
“I know that. I know you both would. This is why I’m so sorry for saying… I don’t want to push you away- you’re the ones I want with me most. I didn’t mean any of what I said, I really didn’t.”
“It’s okay, Neal.” Desmond smiles at Neal. “We don’t like seeing you like this so don’t let yourself get to this place again, okay? You can talk to us, you know.”
Neal nods.
“I… It just got all on top of me this time. I just can’t wait for this to be over.”
“It’s almost half way,” Alex mutters softly.
“Yeah.” Neal nods slowly. He thinks about it for a moment. “I think that helps.”
“I’m glad.”
Desmond reaches up and wipes the tears from Neal’s cheeks.
“Better?”
“Better.” Neal smiles lightly and nods. He leans in and presses a soft kiss to Desmond’s lips. He turns to look at Alex. “It’s okay if our little girl wears pink.”
Alex laughs softly and hugs Neal tightly.
“That’s nice of you to say, but why not something different? Why don’t we have her in purple instead?”
“Purple?” Neal thinks carefully about that for a minute. “Yeah, I like purple.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Desmond stops packing his bag and turns to see Neal stood in the doorway.
“Hey.”
“What are you doing?”
“Packing.”
Neal nods slowly.
“You’re going to bring Alex back.” Neal doesn’t need to pose that as a question because he already knows that’s the answer.
“I promised.”
Neal sighs lightly- he doesn’t like it, but Desmond did promise and it’s probably too late to change his mind now. He watches Desmond (he’s gone back to packing) for a moment.
“Then why are you packing my things too?”
“Because you’re coming with me.”
“No.” Neal folds his arms across his chest and glares at Desmond. “I’m not going.”
“Neal.” Desmond puts down the shirt he’s holding and looks at Neal. “Please.”
“I’m not going.”
“Can’t you…”
“No.”
“But…”
“I said ‘no’!”
“You’re acting like a child, Neal.”
“I’m acting like a child?” Neal throws his arms out to the sides. “He’s the one who ran away.”
“Did you give him a reason to stay?”
“So you’re taking his side?” Neal rolls his eyes. “That’s great.”
“I’m not taking his side, Neal, and I’m not taking your side either. I’m not fighting with either of you, but I’m the one who’s ended up missing out here. I’m the one that’s stuck in the middle. I’ve got no problems with either of you, but I’m losing out on both of you right now. I’ve been here with you, Neal, because you’ve needed me, but he needs me too. He’s half way across the world all alone because I stayed with you. I can’t do that to him anymore. I miss him and I want to see him. I need to see him.”
“You think I don’t? You think I like this?” Neal shakes his head and turns away. “This is just about tearing me apart.”
“Then why aren’t you doing anything to fix it? Why won’t you come with me?”
“Because it still hurts!” Neal turns back to face Desmond. “Do you understand that? It still hurts me! All those things he said, the things he did; they still hurt. I look at him, I think about him and it hurts. I can’t get over that yet. I’m not ready to forgive him. I want to fix this. I want it all to be okay then, but I can’t forget yet. I just can’t.”
Desmond walks over to Neal. He reaches out and touches a hand to Neal’s cheek.
Neal looks up at Desmond.
“I know what you’ll tell me now. You’ll tell me that he’s feeling the same way about me so we should work together to make it better, but I’m just not there. I can’t do it.”
“It’s okay.” Desmond pulls Neal into a hug. “You’re not forgetting about him, about us, I see that, and I suppose it isn’t fair to ask you to go into something before you’re ready, but…”
“I know. I know. Forever is too long. I know we need to fix this or to be okay with each other, at least, before the babies come.”
“It shouldn’t be just about them, though.”
“But it should. We need to make the right choices for them.”
Desmond laughs softly and presses a kiss to Neal’s cheek.
“You grew up.”
“You don’t need to be so surprised.” Neal pulls back slightly and looks at Desmond. “I’ll miss you, but I’m not mad at you for leaving. I can’t expect you to always be here and he needs you too.”
Desmond frowns slightly for a moment.
“If you’re not going to be okay, of you really need me, I will stay with you.”
“It’s okay.” Neal smiles softly. “You should go. I’ll be okay on my own.”
“Are you sure?”
Neal nods.
“All right then.” Desmond presses a brief kiss to Neal’s lips. “If you need anything, you can call me any time and I swear I’ll answer.”
“I know.”
“And I’ll see you next week, okay?”
Neal smiles and nods. He chews on his lower lip for a few seconds.
“I might go early. Just a day maybe because I miss… I miss everyone.”
“Why don’t you go today? I think your mom, especially, would love to see you a week early.”
“I know, but I think I might also like more time here- it’s home and I need to be home right now.”
“If you do get lonely, though, I’m sure my mom wouldn’t mind if you went over there sometimes and I’m sure it’d be okay if you visited the kids a little too.”
“I might do that.” Neal is quiet for a moment. “Do you need help packing?”
“I think I’ll be okay.”
“I’ll just sit and watch then.” Neal walks over and sits down on the bed.
Desmond laughs softly and shakes his head. He keeps one eye on Neal as he finishes packing. He zips up his bag and then turns his full attention to Neal.
“What is it?”
Neal looks up from where he was fiddling with the duvet cover. He stares at Desmond and opens and closes his mouth a few times before speaking.
“Tell him… When you get there, tell him…” Neal sighs lightly. “Will you tell him that I love him?”
“I promise.”
***
Desmond
worries a lot more than he usually does on the plane (then again, he’s worrying a lot more than usual these days anyway) and thinks the flight seems to last so much longer than normal. He gets to Spain eventually, though, and lets out a big sigh of relief. He gets out his phone as soon as he can and sends Neal a text telling him that he got here safely. He calls Alex after he’s collected his bag.
“You’re not here to meet me; I’m very disappointed.”
Alex rolls his eyes and shakes his head (he thinks Desmond’s laughter shows that Desmond knows exactly what he’s doing now).
“You know the way. You can drive.”
“Like hell. I’m getting a cab.”
“That’ll cost a fortune.”
“We can afford it. Besides, I think I’m too tired to drive right now anyway.”
“As long as you get home, I don’t suppose it matters how.”
“Will you be there when I get back?”
“I’m with mom now, but I’ll be there for when you get back.”
“I’ll see you soon, then, and I love you.”
“Yeah, I… I love you too.”
***
Desmond frowns a little when he gets home because he can’t hear Alex anywhere. He reasons with himself that maybe Alex got held up with his mother or on the drive back or something else, but Alex did promise he’s be here and it’d take a lot more than traffic to make Alex break a promise. He looks in the living room, just in case he was mistaken, but Alex’s not there. He quickly checks the kitchen, but that’s empty too. He worries more than he probably should and calls out before he can stop himself.
“Alex, you in here?”
“I’m upstairs,” Alex calls out. He’s not sure if it’s loud enough, but he can’t quite bring himself to shout again.
Desmond hangs his coat on a hook by the door before waling upstairs. Out of habit, he goes to the bedroom first and frowns heavily when he finds it empty. He turns around and is about to call out for Alex again, but then he notices movement coming from the room across the hallway, the room that’s going to be the nursery. He walks across the hallway and into the nursery. He’s so busy being relieved to see Alex stood there that he doesn’t notice that the room looks different right away. He frowns slightly and looks around the room. He feels himself beginning to smile as he takes in the fact that the nursery is now decorated and looks over at Alex. He walks over and presses a soft kiss to Alex’s lips.
“You did a good job here. It looks amazing.”
“It was supposed to be a surprise. I don’t think it matters so much anymore.”
“Of course it matters.” Desmond pulls Alex towards him. “Neal wants you to know that he loves you.”
“Then why isn’t he here?”
“Same reason you left.”
“But if he won’t come here, if he won’t try, what’s the point?”
“Alex, don’t do that.” Desmond closes his eyes for a second. “He needs time to work it out and maybe you do too. Would you really want him to come here before he’s had a chance to work through everything? Before you have? Do you want to have that conversation before you’re really ready? Don’t you think that would lead to even more fighting?”
“I… Yes, you’re probably right. It’s important that we do this properly. It’s important we work it all out for the babies, but...” Alex sighs heavily and rests his head on Desmond’s shoulder. “It just hurts. What happened, what he said, what he did; it hurts.”
Desmond laughs softly and shakes his head.
Alex pulls back and looks at Desmond.
Desmond shrugs lightly.
“Neal said the exact same thing to me about you.”
“Oh.” Alex frowns heavily. He opens and closes his mouth a couple of times because he’s not really sure how to respond to that.
“I think it’s a good sign,” Desmond mutters. “I think it means you still both care a lot. You’re both still affected by this and I think that means you’re not going to let it go. Gotta say, it’s a bit of a relief. You’ve both had me worried. I feel like I haven’t been able to do anything without seeming like I’m alienating one of you. I don’t want to be stuck in the middle, but I won’t take sides either.”
“I don’t want to make you feel like that, but we can’t just make this decision so it’s easier for you.”
“I’m not asking for that and I’m not trying to put pressure on you, but you have to know how important it is for you to…”
“I know. I know.” Alex sighs softly. “I know this is the most important thing in all of our lives.” He leans his head on Desmond’s shoulder again and is quiet for a minute. “Thank you for coming here. I know you needed to stay with him and I know you can’t be here forever, but I’m so grateful you’re here now.”
“I’ll do whatever I can for you, you know that.” Desmond pulls Alex right up against him. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
“Alex?
“Neal?”
They’re both quiet for a minute before starting to speak at exactly the same time.
Alex stops himself and takes a deep breath.
“You should… Well, you called me so you should say what you want to say first.”
“Oh. Okay.” Neal opens and closes his mouth a few times before speaking. “Well, hi.”
“Hi.”
“Uh… I miss you and I so wanted to talk to you.”
“Oh.” Alex starts worrying then because surely that means that Neal wants to talk about the big problem here and he’s a little surprised by that and is he even ready for that? Never mind the fact that it might end badly. “That’s… Okay then.”
“I think… I’m not ready to talk about all the things we really need to talk about- I have a lot more things to work out- but I just missed you and I needed to hear your voice.”
“I missed you too.”
Neal smiles softly for a moment.
“And the babies missed you.”
“Yeah?” Alex sits forward.
“Yes. They’re kicking a lot right now. They’ve been kicking a lot most of the time. I hardly get to sleep well anymore.”
“Yeah.” Alex laughs softly. “Desmond tells me this. He also tells me that this means he doesn’t get to sleep much anymore either.”
“Well, I’m not suffering through this on my own.”
“You shouldn’t.” Alex opens his mouth to say that he wishes he could be there to help out too, but that would lead to a conversation about their issues and Neal doesn’t want that; maybe he doesn’t either.
“So… uh… You have that thing with the honey soon.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, good luck for that.”
“Thank you. It’s… I think it’ll still be too much honey for me though. I’m going to send some to your mom so she can use it to make some cookies for you. And you’ll probably give some to Giselle, too, but there’ll be cookies.”
“Oh.” Neal whimpers a little bit. “That’s really nice. Thank you. Will you send some to Desmond’s mom, too? Then there’ll be cookies for the children.”
“Of course. I think Max especially would be disappointed if we didn’t give him any cookies.”
“Yes. Definitely.”
Alex is quiet for a moment before speaking again.
“And you’re both going to the team presentation, yes?”
“I can’t wait to go. I missed everyone and… Well, I can’t ride my bike now, but I can still be a part of this team, can’t I? I should be there to support them and remind everyone that I’m not gone for good, just a few more months.” Neal nods slowly. “Desmond is still more excited than me though.”
Alex bites on his lower lip to stop himself from laughing because he doesn’t believe that for a second, especially not after what Neal’s just told him.
“Do you want to talk to him too? Because he’s right here. He looks like all of his Christmases came at once because I’m t
alking to you.”
“Neal.” Desmond gently nudges Neal in the ribs and huffs lightly.
“Shh.” Neal swats Desmond’s hands away. “Do you want to talk to him then?”
“Okay, yes, but I… Well, I’m really glad to talk to you and I… I’ll talk to you soon. I’ll call you on Friday and see how things went.”
“That would be nice. Thank you. Uh… Bye, then.”
“Bye.”
Neal smiles softly as he holds the phone out towards Desmond.
Desmond holds the phone up to his ear as he watches Neal walk out of the room (he’s going to the kitchen because apparently all of that talk about cookies has awakened his cravings).
“Hey.”
“Hi.” Alex lets out a long breath. “Thank you.”
“It wasn’t me. It was all Neal’s idea to call you.”
“I think he might not have done if you weren’t there with him though so thank you.”
“No, he would- he misses you too much.”
“Well, I miss him, too.”
“At least you see that now.” Desmond lets out a relieved sigh. “I wish… Never mind. Let’s just be happy that things are getting better, okay?”
“Yes, let’s do that."
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Alex is excited when he gets home. He’s forgotten everything else that happened today (all the happy moments he had earlier) because it doesn’t matter- nothing else matters because he’s going to talk to Neal now. He can’t remember the last time he got so excited over something so small, but they’ve been having a lot of problems and things are starting to get better. He knows they’re not going to sort out their problems today- they probably won’t even talk about their problems today- but the fact that they’re actually talking again is a very good thing. He actually has his phone in his hand, ready to call Neal, when it starts ringing and the word ‘Home’ is flashing on the screen. He frowns heavily for a moment before answering.
“Hello?”
“Alex, you need to call Desmond and yell at him.”
“Neal?” Alex’s frown deepens when he hears that.
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