by Sue Reid
24 March 1549
Dorset Place
I have had that dream again. That horrible horrible dream. If I write it down, will it make it go away? Three mornings now I have woken, screaming in terror. I am almost too afraid to go to sleep. Nurse hears me scream, and hastens to my side.
“What is it, child?” she whispers, leaning close to me. I reach for her.
“I saw him again,” I sob into her shoulder. “I saw him.”
“Who, my pet?” She rocks me.
“The headsman,” I mumble. Eyes shut or open, I still see him, the tall lean black figure, the hood hiding his face, the axe gripped in two hands. He swings it high, I see the blade shine, hear it hiss as it comes down fast. “No!” I scream. “No!”
“It was just a dream, my pet. A bad dream,” Nurse says. She raises my head and looks intently at me. “It is because of Sir Thomas you have this dream.”
“It feels so real,” I protest.
“It is a dream,” she repeats and strokes my damp hair off my face. “Only a dream.”
If only I had not been born so close to the throne. We are never safe, we who live so near the throne. The axe and the throne. So often one follows the other. Anne Boleyn, Katherine Howard, and now Sir Thomas…
2 April 1549
Dorset Place
Today I had to sit through the thunderings of Bishop Latimer. He is old but does not mince his words. It is good we are rid of such an ambitious, greedy and treacherous man, he declared. His horrible end fitted his wickedness. It was the Admiral he spoke of! I shifted on my seat uncomfortably. Next to me Katherine sat, open-mouthed, staring up at the Bishop. Fortunately she is too young to understand.
The Bishop delivered the same sermon at St Paul’s Cross. The servants say that the place was packed. It always is when the Bishop speaks. The Council will be pleased. If you want your message to reach the people there is no better place. But not everyone agrees with the Bishop. Nurse said that there was much shuffling on the benches when he got to the words “so perish all who do not fear God”. The Admiral was popular with ordinary people. As for me, whatever he has done, I will never forget his kindness to me. I dare not say so to Father and Mother for they would think me mad. What would I do without my journal to confide in? Dear Edward, I am so glad you sent it to me.
16 May 1549
Bradgate Park
I pick up my pen again. I have something fearful to recount. Rebellions are breaking out in the country and I may have witnessed what might soon be one on our very doorstep. At least that is what Father thinks, though I am sure he did not mean me to hear that.
It happened as we were riding out to visit friends. Katherine sat behind a servant but I rode side-saddle for the first time like a grown-up! It was a fine still day, and I enjoyed feeling the sun warm on my face. And then, as we cantered past the woods, my pony suddenly reared up, whinnying with fear and pain. In a panic I let go of the reins and grasped wildly at the pony’s neck.
“Whoa now. Whoa!” I heard a voice cry, and a servant ran up to grab my pony’s bridle. “Are you all right, my lady?” he asked, looking up at me. I nodded, righting myself in the saddle. But I felt myself tremble as I caressed my pony’s neck. What had happened to make him rear up like that? One of the servants had ridden ahead to tell Mother, who wheeled round now and galloped back.
“What is it, Jane? What happened?” she asked me. I couldn’t say.
“It all happened so fast,” I said.
“There is blood on the pony’s nose, my lady.” The boy who had grabbed my pony’s bridle looked up from the pony’s head. “Someone must have thrown a stone!” He jerked his head at the woods. “Could be from in there. But if they did, they’re far away now for sure.”
Mother frowned. She leaned forward and gripped my wrist. “Are you sure you saw nothing, Jane? You must tell me the truth. It is very important.”
“I saw nothing,” I said stubbornly. I felt vexed. Did she think I would lie?
Mother relaxed her grip on my wrist. “Very well.”
She bent down and gave an order to one of the servants, who nodded and rode back to the house. They are to beat the woods and flush out any troublemakers. (By that they mean rebels.) Father questioned me closely when he returned at night and sighed when I had finished. He has made me and my sisters promise that we will keep to the gardens until the troublemaker is caught. I slipped round to the stables to see my pony, but he would not let me near him.
17 May 1549
Bradgate Park
Poachers have been caught in the woods. They denied their crime, but three skinned rabbits were found in their cottage so it looks bad for them. They swear they did not harm my pony.
30 May 1549
Bradgate Park
We are not even allowed into the gardens now! Yesterday, I heard a servant say as she swept out the hall, a band of peasants climbed over the walls into a gentleman’s park and killed many of his deer. And elsewhere in the county houses are being plundered, and fences torn down. Mother has gone to visit our tenants and attend to their wants – for fear we are burned in our beds.
Whitsuntide 1549
Bradgate Park
The new English prayer book was read to us in chapel for the first time today.
“It is a great day, Jane,” Father said to me as we entered the chapel. “One that I hope you will never forget.” As if I could! And just as our chaplain opened the book, sunlight streamed through the windows and I felt as if a lamp had been lit which will light the world. Today, all across the land, people will be sitting in church like me, listening to these same words being read – and for the first time everyone will be able to understand them. There are those who wish people to be kept ignorant of God’s word, but they cannot be, not now both prayer book and Bible are in English.
Dr Aylmer says that I will be just like Father when I grow up. Just as committed to reform. And Father he says is the thunder and terror of the papists. One day I hope people will say that of me too.
16 June 1549
Bradgate Park
Are we on the brink of civil war? There are rebellions all across the country now and there is even a rumour that the rebels will march on London!
“What are they to do? Prices are high, they cannot find work and now that the landowners have enclosed the common lands they have nowhere to grow food or graze their animals,” I heard a servant grumble. I asked Dr Aylmer if it was true. (I have tried everyone else and no one will tell me.)
“There is much I do not understand,” I said to him, “and not all I want to learn can be found in books.” He looked at me doubtfully, but I insisted. “It is truth I am after, and that alone. I have heard the servants talk and wish to know if what they say is true,” I said stubbornly.
He asked me what I had heard and listened carefully as he always does. “They have many grievances,” he told me. “Some refuse to accept the new prayer book, some suffer from the enclosing of common lands.” And then he told me something that has truly startled me. The Lord Protector himself wishes to undo the harm caused to the peasants. He is even prepared to pardon the rebels – if the nobility will let him. (There are many wealthy landowners who have been made richer by the sale of common lands, Dr Aylmer says.) What he himself thinks about this I do not know. He does not say. I hope my family have not been made richer by the sale of the common lands. We are rich enough already. Then I demanded to know why people complain about the new prayer book. Do they not understand what a beautiful thing it is? I would it was read all over the world, I told him. Dr Aylmer smiled at me; it was such a beautiful smile that I knew that in this at least we were of one mind.
17 June 1549
Bradgate Park
Was reproved this morning for falling asleep in my lessons. But it was not my fault. I hardly slept at all last night. Katherine climbed into my bed saying she had dreamt the rebels were co
ming to kill us, and talked and wriggled all night long. As I lay there trying to sleep I thought about the sermon that had been preached to us in church. The peasants were very wicked to rebel, we were told. They should accept their lot in life, as we all must. Our lives are ordained by God, and our sufferings are punishment for our sins and a warning to repent. But can the Protector think so, if he wishes to help them?
20 August 1549
Bradgate Park
Father is trying to keep the peace but has not enough men. He wanted his brother Lord Thomas to bring his men. But he has been sent to France. It seems that we are at war with them too! I feel as if enemies surround us. How many there seem to be – those who do not like the reforms, those who hate wealthy people like us – and now the French too. I pity poor Edward. How could anyone ever wish to be king?
1 September 1549
Bradgate Park
I am tiptoeing about, trying to be as quiet as I can, so as not to disturb Father. He was to have ridden to the Earl of Huntingdon’s estate this morning, but has shut himself away in his chamber and will not speak to anyone – not even Mother. He is grieving for our uncle, Sir Henry Willoughby, who has died of wounds at a place called Dussindale in Norfolk. Mother said he was a brave man. He died helping the Earl of Warwick put down the rebellion – which I am pleased to write seems to be over now. My sisters could not remember who he was, until Mother reminded them that he was Thomas’s father. Now your cousins have no mother or father, she said. Katherine would like them to live with us. She likes cousin Thomas. He is the same age as her and she would have someone to play with.
Katherine has got her wish. All our Willoughby cousins are to live with us for a while. Thomas is my father’s ward, so he may stay here for a very long time. Katherine said she knew he would come – she made a wish at the wishing well. I had seen her ride across the park earlier. We are allowed out into the park, now that the rebellion has been put down, but I dare say Katherine would have gone anyway. She does just what she likes! I am pleased that the country is at peace again, but for how long? The Earl of Warwick put down the rebellion in Norfolk with great cruelty. Thousands of peasants were slaughtered. The Earl will not dare show his face there again I think. I wish he would not show it here, or at Court. He frightens me. I heard Father say once that he was ambitious but he seems to like him now – even though my uncle died fighting at his side.
12 September 1549
Bradgate Park
I am glad I do not share a chamber! It is bad enough that the children run in and out. They have run away now but I can still hear them, galloping up and down the Long Gallery pretending they are fighting the rebels. If only the rain would stop then they could go outside to play. Thomas wants to show Katherine how well he shoots with the bow. He and Katherine have made great friends. It is hard to believe that my Willoughby cousins have only been here a week. When they first arrived they looked so forlorn, and Katherine said she heard them crying at night. I wish they had not come. Thomas wriggles and fidgets and can barely sit still. Nurse says that all boys are boisterous. But I cannot imagine that Edward was ever as fidgety as Thomas!
1 October 1549
Bradgate Park
My two youngest Willoughby cousins left today. Margaret and baby Francis are to live with my father’s half-brother, George Medley, and this morning he rode up to collect them. He dined with us first and I heard him say he was mightily impressed by my learning and piety. Of course my parents professed themselves delighted. I wish they would say as much to me. Thomas is to stay. If only he was leaving too. He drives me distracted and Katherine copies him in everything, which makes it worse. Today I tripped over the skittles he had left out. If I were to behave so, I would be punished for my untidiness, but I have not once heard Mother chastise Thomas. It hurts me to see how she looks at him, as if he were the son she longs for. All her baby boys died young. Would she love me more, if I were a boy?
9 October 1549
Bradgate Park
I have a bad cold and do not feel like writing, but I simply had to write this. The Lord Protector has been arrested! Our neighbour, the Earl of Huntingdon, brought the news. Father barely waited for him to finish before ordering his horse to be brought round. He and the Earl have ridden off now to Hampton Court.
I was sitting in the winter parlour with Mother and Father when the Earl was shown in.
“He removed the King from Hampton Court and took him with him to Windsor, claiming it was for the King’s safety!” Huntington snorted to our astonished ears. “But the King is safe now,” he reassured us. “Warwick has taken him back to Hampton Court. The Protector will regret his actions,” he said and smiled – but it was not a very nice smile. The Earl is no friend of the Protector’s. And to my mind Edward is no safer now than he was.
16 October 1549
Bradgate Park
The Countess of Huntington has called. I can scarce believe what she told us, but I am writing it all down anyway. The Protector claimed there was a plot against the King. He even got his son, Lord Hertford – who is only ten years old – to ride all the way to the West Country where the army is stationed under Lord Herbert’s command, to beg him for men and arms. Herbert refused. He is no fool, put in my mother. It was then that the Protector fled with the King to Windsor, after first emptying the armoury at Hampton Court and calling on all men to protect the King. Some answered his call, but then the lords told them the truth of the matter. By that I am sure the Countess means what certain lords say is the truth. “The Protector will soon face his judges,” the Countess said. Humph. She will mean Warwick and his friends in the Council, which must be all of them. Who would be brave or rash enough to stand against the Earl?
She says the Protector has made a mess of governing the country. He has dragged us into rash wars, helped himself to the King’s treasure and refused to listen to others’ counsel. Now he has thrown himself on the Council’s mercy, and they have put him in the Tower. I vow the Earl of Warwick will be mightily pleased. He must be behind all this. But it is my poor cousin Edward I feel most afraid for. How can he be safe in the hands of a man like the Earl of Warwick?
20 October 1549
Bradgate Park
The Earl of Warwick was made Admiral of England a few days ago. How many more titles will they bestow on him? Does Edward not see how powerful he is becoming? And now that peace has been declared between England and Scotland I expect the Earl will take the credit for that too. But I must stop writing now and make haste to put away my journal. Nurse has come to tell me that Mother wishes to see me! What have I done now?
21 October 1549
Bradgate Park
We are to visit my uncle George Medley at his home, Tilty, in Essex. Then we are to stay with my cousin, the Lady Mary, and I am to have a new gown made. I am always pleased to go to Tilty, but I am NOT pleased that we are to visit the Lady Mary. I hid how I felt from Mother though for she is very fond of the Princess. Sister Mary cannot stop talking about cousin Margaret. She is thrilled that we will see her at Tilty. Thomas is to accompany us there; Tilty is to be his home now. Katherine is broken-hearted. I am not!
19 November 1549
Tilty
I am seizing a moment to write, while I rest on my bed at Tilty. Nurse has unlaced my new gown so I can breathe again. I felt like a stuffed chicken.
We arrived here late this afternoon. Half our household followed in our train, on horseback or squashed into carts alongside our bags and boxes. Bells rang out from every church steeple to herald our arrival in towns and villages. Windows were flung open and heads thrust out, and children ran up to stare at us. Gifts were pressed on us. Katherine told me she felt like a queen, on a royal progress. But I hate all the fuss. If only we could travel unnoticed like ordinary people.
As soon as we arrived, Mary ran away to play with Margaret. I crept into the nursery to see baby Francis. As I looked down at him I found myself thinking ab
out the last time I saw the Admiral’s daughter, Mary. She is over a year old now. My heart aches when I think about that time. How long ago it feels, yet it is only a little over a year since the Queen died. I miss her as much as ever.
29 November 1549
Hunsdon
Oh that we were back at Tilty. I pray that we do not stay here long. We have only been at Hunsdon for three days, but it feels more like three years. Princess Mary greeted us kindly, calling us her little cousins and loading us with presents – beads and horrid gaudy fabrics like the ones she loves to wear. Little Mary hid behind her nurse when she heard the Princess’s gruff voice and Nurse had to coax her out. Mother looked most embarrassed and poor little Mary was hastily removed. And I had to stop myself leaning away when the Princess kissed me. I was sure I smelt incense! Now I know why. The chapel stinks of it! I can scarce believe it. Nothing has been changed. Nothing removed. All the popish icons, statues and paintings are still in their places. There is even a statue of the Virgin Mary. This morning I saw a priest light candles in front of it. As I stood there one of the Queen’s ladies entered, bent her knee and crossed herself.
“Whom do you curtsy to?” I said rudely. “The Lady Mary is not here.”
