The enemy. He didn’t need to finish his sentence. I shuddered involuntarily thinking again of the unarmed soldier. I’d already seen what this group did to their enemies.
“I know this girl better than anyone,” said Markus. “I’ll keep her in line.” He looked like he could barely peel himself off the wall, let alone handle me.
“Okay. That should do it. Let’s get out of here,” said James, tossing a final box into his bag. Once again, he avoided eye contact with me. You certainly wouldn’t guess that he’d had his hands all over me not too long ago.
He walked by me and grabbed the supply bag from my hand. “Here, I’ve got this.”
Kale grunted and walked out the door first. “Good work. Let’s go.”
James motioned for Markus, Alec, and me to go ahead, but managed to do it without looking directly at me. He’d told me to trust him but my gut told me I was a total dumb ass. I glanced behind me as I stepped into the hallway to join Markus and Kale. James did it so quickly, I might have imagined it. I thought I felt the touch of his fingers in my hair. Then they were gone.
Chapter TWENTY
KALE POUNDED HIS FIST INTO THE WALL OF THE CONSULATE ship. “Give me a goddamn break!”
The gale force winds of the night storms hadn’t subsided yet. Pointing out that the storms sometimes lasted for several hours didn’t seem like a helpful comment, so I kept my mouth shut.
Kale directed us to the kitchen where there were some energy packets and bottled water. This area had been spared from the worst of the fire. We sat at a table designed to hold five times as many men. Markus and Alec sat on either side of me at one end of the table, while James and Kale faced us. Fatigue permeated every bone in my body, but falling asleep was not an option. I couldn’t protect myself if I slept.
No one seemed to feel much like talking. Guess they were as exhausted as I was. I felt James’ eyes on me and though he looked away as soon as I met his stare, I caught the expression in them. Sadness. What did he have to be sad about? He betrayed me by choice. That look alone told me I wasn’t going anywhere with them. No water-covered planet with trees in my future. Tears blurred my eyes, and I wiped them on my sleeve.
Kale cocked his head toward the ceiling. “I think it won’t be long now. When the winds die, we’ll run for it.”
The winds wouldn’t be the only thing dying if I couldn’t figure a way out of this mess. I fingered my satchel. At least Kale hadn’t taken that from me. I reached inside it and my fingers brushed the secret compartment containing T.O. I could kill Kale in a heartbeat with this. It was the killing of everyone else that kept me from pushing the button. Maybe I could bluff my way out with it though.
I felt the heat of Kale’s stare. Should I try? If it didn’t work, I would be completely out of options. Kale’s stare intensified like he was about to take the bag. My hand knocked against Mom’s diary, so I pulled it out like that’s what I had been looking for. I flipped it open. “Don’t mind me, I’m just going to read a dead woman’s journal.”
My fingers flew to the last few pages. If I was going to die soon, I should at least die knowing everything I could about my family. It wasn’t like things could get any worse. I skimmed the journal entries prior to the last page. They were all by my mother. Tearstained entries about how much she missed the security of the pod cities and how bleak things were in the shelter. How painful it was to see her children living the life of prisoners belowground. How she’d have no reason to live if she lost us. How the pain meds were the only thing that numbed her depression and allowed her to function. I’d understood my mother was sad and hopeless about our situation, but I had no idea it was this bad.
Her pain-filled words became more rambling and hopeless as the pages went on. It was consistent with her increasing use of the drugs. The entries, which had at first been penned on a daily basis, grew sporadic. There were days, even weeks, between each one. Her last entry was a full two weeks before the date of her death.
I took a deep, shaky breath and turned to the last page. My father’s handwriting stared back at me. There were no tear stains on his page, but then again, he was never a big advocate of feelings. My heart bleeds today, he began. A stabbing pain pierced my chest. He’d seemed so unemotional that day. He’d taken me aside after he’d found their bodies and tried to calm me. I was inconsolable and didn’t understand his apparent lack of feelings. Reading the grief in his words made me aware of the depth of feelings he’d buried. Whether it was for his sake or mine, I’d never know. I kept reading.
My father wrote that my sister had been trying to sneak out on her own to go aboveground. I vaguely remembered that. She’d been so young when we lived in the pod city, where she was used to going outside without the need for sunsuits. Callie had craved the sun, loving its light, no matter the cost.
A memory of one of our last hide-and-seek games in the shelter flashed through my mind. Come on, Tora, there’s nowhere left to hide in here. It’ll be more fun outside, she’d begged. If we go before the sun comes up, we won’t have to wear the stupid suits. Boy did she hate those sunsuits with a passion. Are you crazy? I’d asked her. I tried to explain about the night storms and freezing temperatures, but she’d sigh the same way I did whenever my father told me something I didn’t want to hear.
I caught her once myself, climbing the ladder as fast as she could to get out. I gave her hell for it, and thought I’d ended her escape attempts for good. I took to locking the shelter door just in case, knowing it was difficult for her to unlock it herself. That way, I’d hear her if she tried to sneak out again.
I read more of my father’s words. My mother had told him the door was locked, but that she still couldn’t find my sister. He’d thought she seemed a little out of it from her latest “dose” and was merely disoriented more than usual. I’d apparently been napping at the time. My father wrote about his guilt over what happened in the next few minutes. He’d been so absorbed in his work that he mumbled “okay” when my mother told him she was going to look for her. It was a good ten minutes before the impact of her words hit him. I remembered the next part, when my father woke me to say he needed to go outside and look for them.
I froze at the next sentence. I read it again, blinked, and started over. I had to be reading it wrong. Since her death, I’d never allowed myself to cry over her for fear I’d never stop. I’d succeeded until now. Silent tears streamed down my face.
I know Tora didn’t mean it; she didn’t know that she’d gone outside again … that instead of locking her in, she’d locked her out.
I threw the journal onto the table.
“What’s wrong? What is it?” Markus asked.
I killed my sister. The one person who meant more to me than anything. My little oasis in a sun-drenched world. My budding artist and lover of flowers. And I killed her.
“Nothing,” I said. I closed my eyes to blot out the world, but a picture of what probably happened played on the inside of my eyelids. At the time my sister had still been alive and scratching at the door, my father had been working in the back room with his door shut, I’d been asleep with the music still playing through my ear pods, and my mother had likely been zoned out on pain meds. It was a miracle she’d noticed my sister was gone at all. But she had. And she’d gone up and found her youngest daughter dead on top of the shelter door she’d been frantically trying to open.
I knew without a doubt what she would have done next. Instead of screaming or yelling for help, Mom had simply gone out, taken off her sunsuit, and shut the door behind her. Her last shred of hope extinguished, she picked up my sister’s body and placed her gently against the nearby rock. Then she’d curled up around my sister and waited.
Suicide by sun. My mother’s will to live, which had been tenuous at best, evaporated completely at the sight of my little sister’s body on the ground. Although I couldn’t remember it, I must have wanted to sleep in peace so I’d locked the door to protect my sister while I slept. They died becaus
e of my selfish need for a nap.
I picked up the journal and put it back in my bag. Maybe I’d just let Kale kill me. Suicide by other. I was my mother’s daughter after all. I put my head down on the table.
The room was quiet. Too quiet. No screeching winds in the background.
“It’s about damn time,” Kale said, stretching his legs. “I never thought that would end.” He didn’t even acknowledge my emotional state.
Kale and James stood and headed toward the hatch. Maybe they changed their minds about killing me here. Maybe once on Kale’s ship, they planned to toss me out into space along with Britta’s body. “You can keep her company,” Kale would say as he pushed me through. He’d probably toss Lucy too, for good measure.
But Kale stopped halfway down the hallway. He slapped his hand against his forehead. “Damn, we left the bags back there. Markus, you run to the ship and get her started up. Show that new kid the ropes.”
Markus looked at me. At least one person wasn’t afraid to look in my eyes. “Nope. No offense, Kale, but you said we all needed to stick together.”
“Yeah,” said Alec. “I’m not going without mi ángel.”
James didn’t say a word but his hand clenched into a fist.
Kale’s voice rose. “Soldier, I’m not chancing another night storm sneaking up on us again. Get over there and get us ready to go.”
“It’s okay. Go ahead, Markus. Just take Alec and go.” I heard the dull, flat tone in my voice but I couldn’t help it. Discovering that I’d killed my sister had put a crimp in my motivation to survive. Maybe this was karma. If I died, at least I had a chance of seeing her again—I could explain. I kept my eyes on the floor.
Markus jerked my arm and forced me to look up at him. “Seriously, I’m not leaving you. I feel responsible for this.”
Kale snorted. “We don’t have time for all this feelings crap. Get moving, soldiers.”
Kale and James exchanged glances. They had guns and we didn’t. Kale was probably weighing his options. If he forced Alec and Markus to do what he wanted now, he’d lose the “team” feeling he needed in order for Markus to help fly the ship and Alec to help with whatever his plan was on Caelia. He must have understood that playing for Team Kale didn’t seem like such a winning proposition at the moment.
Markus squared his shoulders and stood straight. “We’ll wait while you grab your bags. If you hurry, we’ll make it.”
James sighed. That one little expression changed some of my numbness to anger. What, was he annoyed that we were holding up the plan to kill me? Jackass.
James turned down the hallway. “It’s fine, sir. I’ll get the bags.” He jogged back to retrieve the bags, and I watched his retreating form with a mix of bitterness and dejection.
Kale’s eyes darted among the three of us, and his finger hovered over the trigger button of his gun which, while not aimed at anyone in particular, was noticeably still in his hand versus in his holster.
Alec glanced at Markus. Could we all just jump Kale and take him down before James got back? When Alec swallowed hard, and the muscles in Markus’ arm clenched, I knew they were going to try.
James pounded back down the hall—two bags in one hand and gun in the other. Damn, he was fast. I admired him and loathed him all at once. Alec took a step back and Markus’ posture relaxed. I’m glad they decided to wait, because who knows what would have happened when James rescued “his commander” again.
“Everyone ready?” Kale asked, trying for an easygoing, isn’t-this-a-fun-adventure voice. To me, it sounded pretty much like his I’m-going-to-kill-you voice.
“Yes, sir,” James said, hauling the bags farther up his shoulder.
I held the satchel close to my side. How long before they’d try to take it from me too?
The winds were calm, and once our helmets were on, Markus and Alec carried Britta’s body to Kale’s ship. We followed with the bags and spare parts. Only James and Kale carried the spare guns though.
The sad thing was, after reading the journal, I wasn’t sure how I felt about the fact that Markus and Alec had bought me a little more time. If things had gone according to Kale’s plan, I’d probably be dead already. I finally understood my mother’s depression and pain, because if all those meds were in my bag instead of James’ medical bag, I might have saved Kale the trouble of killing me.
I might have done it myself.
Chapter TWENTY-ONE
AS THE SHIP ROSE, A WAVE OF SADNESS ENVELOPED ME AS Earth grew smaller and smaller out the window. I’d dreamed of this moment every day for as long as I could remember. Now that it was happening, it didn’t feel anything like I’d imagined when I was younger. Back in the pod city days, Mom and Callie would spin tales about the magical planet out there waiting for us. They would feed off each other and create a world filled with water and flowers—flowers of every variety and color. Their excitement was contagious, and I’d find myself thinking it might actually happen. I wished they had lived to see this.
We managed to get airborne before Lucy announced herself. Once the ship was up and on autopilot, Kale asked Markus to help move Britta into the hatch room. Markus decided they should release her body in deep space, and Kale was a tad overenthusiastic in his response. You’d think putting things out the hatch was his favorite pastime.
Markus had her body, tiny even when wrapped in a thermoplastic blanket, cradled in his arms. Kale moved to exit the control room, when Alec cleared his throat.
“Um, about the hatch room. See, there’s a um—”
Alec’s statement was interrupted by a muffled sound.
Kale drew his gun. “What’s that noise?”
Alec jumped up. “No, I mean, it’s just … my dog.”
“A dog?” Kale asked, incredulously. “As in furry creature with a tail?”
“Yes, sir. That’s what I mean. I’ll show you.”
The closer we got to the room, the louder the barking got. Kale pressed the panel on the door, but kept his gun in hand.
Lucy flew out and jumped all over Alec, licking his face and barking. Alec laughed and petted her. “Easy, girl, I said I’d be back.” He reached into his pocket and fed her some sort of treat. Lucy scarfed it down without signs of chewing and then sniffed the air. She circled over to Markus and started to whimper, trying to nudge the lifeless form in his arms with her nose.
Markus looked like he was about to lose it, so I called Lucy over. “Come here, girl. It’s okay.”
Lucy moved backward hesitantly, but turned and came over to me. I pushed my hand into her soft fur, amazed at how comforting it was to touch her. She nuzzled my arm, and I smiled. My sister would have loved Lucy. My sister. I gulped, feelings of guilt breaking over me again.
“Does she drink a lot of water?” Kale asked, eyes narrowed.
Alec’s eyes flashed with fear. “She does need some water … sir.”
“Luckily, we have plenty of water on the ship, and it’s everywhere in Caelia, right, Markus?” I asked.
Markus was laying Britta’s body on the floor of the hatch room. He looked up with sad eyes. “Water?” His eyes focused on Lucy, and seemed to clear. “Oh, yeah. More than enough water for that mangy thing.”
Kale grunted but didn’t push the issue. For now.
The ceremony, if you could call it that, happened several hours later when we were in what felt like the center of the universe. Nothing but space around as far as you could see, and the dark vastness sent a chill through me. I was glad they kept the blanket around Britta when sending her out the hatch door. I had the irrational thought that she’d be cold without it. Kale wouldn’t likely take the time to hand me a blanket when it was my turn. He’d just shove me out into the icy air.
We stood around Britta, and Kale tried to say a few words, but they sounded stilted and forced. Because you killed her, you hypocrite. Markus shook his head, too upset to say anything. I held his arm, a lump in my own throat. All I could manage to say was, “I actually liked h
er in the end.”
Alec shrugged. “I didn’t know her long, but I trust my dog—and my dog loved her. If Lucy liked her, she had to have been good.”
James went next, and I wanted to smack myself in the face when tears jumped into my eyes at his simple words. “Britta was Britta. You got what you saw with her—there wasn’t a fake thing about her. I thought about what Britta would want people to say about her at a time like this.” A wan smile appeared on his lips. “She’d want to end with this: Britta was no apocawuss.”
A small half-smile escaped me. It’s exactly what Britta would want said about her. The smile died quickly though. What would James say about me after I was killed? Assuming they even had a ceremony.
My hand gripped Markus’ arm tighter and he patted me, probably thinking I was only reassuring him in his time of grief. Instead, I was grieving my own likely death. Guess I was selfish to the end.
After a few seconds of silence, Kale cleared his throat. “Why don’t you do the honors, Markus?”
Markus moved Britta to the area near the hatch door behind a thick red line. Her hand fell out of the blanket as he set her down. He took her hand. “Good-bye, Britta. I’m sorry.” His voice broke. “I wish I knew you longer is all.”
He rearranged her hand under the blanket and stepped back to join us. Kale pushed an interior button in the room and a clear panel dropped down, enclosing the area behind the red line. A second later, the hatch door opened and Britta’s body was sucked out into space. Her hand escaped the blanket once again, and it almost looked like she was waving to us as the door closed behind her.
“Good-bye,” I whispered.
Markus downed the rest of his flask, which Kale had refilled several times using his own supply, and his eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot. Everyone had been drinking, except for myself and James. Whatever happened next, I didn’t want to die drunk. I’d even kept my suit on, minus the helmet, as if that could protect me from death. We sat in the small room used as a sort of combination dining hall and rec room.
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