by Penny Dee
I took the bottle with me and settled into the wicker egg chair overlooking the beach. It was still light outside but an indigo dusk was settling across the sky. As I took another swig of wine the phone in my jeans pocket vibrated against my hip. Heath’s name lit up the screen. But just like the other ten calls from him, I hit decline and shoved it back in my pocket.
My chest felt hollow. But I was too dazed to cry. The wine would help calm me but I knew it wouldn’t erase the awful mental images I had of Heath and that girl with the bright blue eyes. I didn’t think anything could erase them. Not wine. Not even time.
I exhaled deeply in an attempt to still my thundering heart.
When I had discovered Colton was cheating on me I had just felt mad. Maybe a little let down but more angry than anything. I was also a little insulted that he’d thought I’d never find out. I mean, he was running around with my so-called best friend, Cassandra, so what were the chances I wouldn’t eventually stumble across the truth?
But at the end of the day I’d been able to see it was time to move on from him. Our relationship had run its course and I’d recognized that. I didn’t cry over it. I didn’t even get angry at him. I just broke up with him.
Oh, he had tried to convince me otherwise. He promised to never have anything to do with Cassandra ever again. Which would be easy because Cassandra was moving away. But I had already decided to spend the summer in California and realized I was truly over him. At the end of the day, his cheating on me was my perfect exit strategy.
But with Heath … his cheating on me was a sword straight through my chest. It tore the ground from under me and left me numb.
I tried some deep breathing exercises hoping it would calm the pain I felt swell around my heart. But it didn’t and my urge to cry was palpable. My chin quivered and I inhaled air through gritted teeth to calm the tide of heartache as it pushed and pulled throughout my chest.
I wouldn’t cry. I was afraid that if I started, I wouldn’t stop. So I stared out the window at the beach across the road, watching the sun move lower into the horizon and the shadows grow longer across the sand, and prayed the pain would go away.
Bridget arrived home sometime after eleven. Taking one look at me and the empty bottle of wine at my feet, she curled into the wicker chair next me and waited for me to explain what was wrong.
I chose my words slowly. Although my mind rushed to explain everything to her so she could perhaps come up with the answer to why? Why had this happened?
“Do you want to know what I think?” she asked finally, after I’d explained what had happened.
“Please.”
“I think he made a mistake. He fucked up real bad. But not because he wanted to. I think he overreacted to what he saw. And because of who he is, and how he looks, it’s far easier for him to fuck up so badly. You’ve said before, there is always some girl waiting to have her way with him. Unfortunately, this time it worked against him and it made it easier for him to make a mess of things.” She unfurled her legs from under her and leaned forward. “Heath isn’t a bad guy. I actually like him a lot more than I thought I would. I don’t think he’d ever try to hurt you deliberately.”
“Since when did you become a Heath Dillinger fan?” I asked, surprised that she was sticking up for him.
She smiled wistfully. “Since I saw how happy he made you.” She paused and thought for a moment, taking her time to choose her words carefully. “Watching you two together is crazy beautiful. The way you look at one another. The way he acts around you and the way you light up when he’s around. It’s obvious you’re crazy about each other.”
“I am. I mean, I was.” I frowned. “I’m not sure anymore.”
Her smile was closed-lipped and she looked thoughtful. “I don’t think Heath knew what hit him when you came along. He’s always been a no-strings attached kind of guy. But then you came along and turned his world upside down. Anyone can see he is insanely in love with you.”
“Insane is right.” I frowned.
“I think it scared the hell out of him.”
“What are you saying?”
She hesitated, looking for the right words. “He made a mistake, Harlow. A huge, vile, massive mistake. But maybe – “
My eyes widened and I couldn’t hide my disbelief. “Are you saying I should forgive him?”
“He’s human. He let a stupid chain of events get the better of him. But you,” she paused. “You can make it right again. And you should. Because what you have is too precious to throw away because of a bump in the road.”
“I can’t believe you think I should forgive him. Seriously?”
“I think you should think about what you have before you throw it away,” she replied calmly.
“He already threw it away when he stuck his dick in that thing on the plane,” I protested.
She nodded. “Granted, it was a fucked up thing to do. But you said it yourself; he thought you had gone back to Colton. So he got himself smashed to cope. And we all know why he doesn’t usually drink alcohol; because he does dumbass shit when he’s drunk.” She sighed. “I think he was out of his mind over the thought of you being back with Colton. He wasn’t interested in that girl on the plane. He was just trying to make himself feel better.”
“And that’s his excuse?” I exclaimed feeling a little pissed at my cousin for making excuses for him.
“Not an excuse. A reason, perhaps? Listen, I’m just being your voice of wisdom here. I don’t want you to make a mistake. What you guys have is a once in a lifetime thing.”
I shook my head. “It was a summer fling,” I snapped like an angry child, reaching for my anger because it hurt less when I felt angry. I wasn’t in the mood to feel anything else. And I definitely didn’t want to hear about forgiveness. “Nothing but a stupid summer fling.”
But Bridget wasn’t convinced and dismissed my comment with a little shake of her head.
“You don’t believe that. No-one does.” She sighed and I noticed how weary she looked. It was almost one thirty and we had been talking for more than two hours.
“So I should just forgive him for cheating on me?”
“I’m telling you to look at what you have before you throw it all away. And ask yourself if you can move past this to salvage this incredible love you two created.” She stood up. “Give yourself a couple of days to feel like shit. Then make up your mind. But at least give yourself a bit of time to think about it before making any decisions.”
“I hate him,” I said, even though I knew it wasn’t true. I loved him. But I hated what he had done to us.
To me.
Ugh! To that awful thing on the plane.
“Believe me, if he was here, I’d smack him right between those two charming dimples, for what he did to you,” Bridget said.
“If he was here, I’d let you.”
We were both exhausted and called it a night. Before I turned off my light I did what I had avoided doing all night; I checked my cell phone.
Eighteen missed calls. Sixteen from Heath. And my voice mail was full.
There were also eleven text messages.
Nine from Heath.
One from Piper asking me to call her.
And one from Jesse begging me to call Piper.
I quickly sent Piper a message.
I’m ok. Very tired. Will sleep on everything and wake up with a better perspective. I will call you tomorrow xx
Within minutes she had texted back.
Hope you’re ok. He’s a wreck if it makes you feel better L
It didn’t.
I turned off my phone and bedside lamp before crawling under the covers. As hard as I tried to turn off my brain I couldn’t get the mental image of Heath—my Heath—fucking that girl in a cramped airplane toilet cubicle.
Or the smug look on her face as she stood in front of me, not so subtly letting me know she had devoured my boyfriend the day before.
It took hours before I finally fell into a restl
ess sleep. But it was a night of tossing and turning, and punching my pillow. My head was filled with images of Heath.
And a girl with bright blue eyes.
* * * * *
I woke to the smell of pancakes and forced myself out of bed.
My head was foggy and thumped with a mean headache. My reflection in the bathroom mirror was no better. A restless night had left my eyes puffy and swollen and no amount of makeup was going to help. So I didn’t even try. There was no point.
I splashed water on my face and toweled it off. I didn’t even bother running a brush through my hair. Instead, I left the bathroom in search of coffee. But as I walked into the dining room I stopped cold in my tracks. Bridget was in the kitchen moving pancakes around a fry pan.
And sitting at the dining room table was Heath.
A creaky floorboard gave me away. Heath jumped up from the chair but stopped as if he was suddenly unsure of what to do. At least I wasn’t the only one who looked like crap. He looked like he hadn’t slept at all.
I wrapped my arms around my waist. “What are you doing here?”
Bridget turned off the cooker and set the pancakes aside. “I’m going for a shower. Give you guys some privacy.”
My eyes didn’t leave Heath as she disappeared from the room.
“You shouldn’t be here,” I said.
“I had to see you. I need to know you’re alright.” His voice was hoarse with fatigue.
I shook my head. “I’m not. But then, that’s to be expected.”
I knew I looked like a train wreck. Puffy eyes. Pale skin. I didn’t want him to see me like this. He needed to go.
“I need you to leave.”
His jaw flinched. “We need to talk, Harlow.”
I shook my head. “Not yet, Heath.” I closed my eyes. The idea of hearing the sordid details made me nauseous. “I’m not ready.”
He nodded. “Okay. I understand. But when?”
Again I shook my head. “I don’t know. I need time to process all of this.”
“Time is good,” he said, looking hopeful. “I can give you time. Anything you need. Just please … please tell me you’re not going to give up on me.” His voice broke and he exhaled deeply. His eyes filled with tears.
Seeing him punched a big hole in my chest. I was so in love with him.
Was.
Now I was numb.
“I’m not promising you anything.”
“I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. But I love you so much Harlow. More than I thought I was capable of.” He exhaled deeply. “God, baby I’m going crazy …”
“You need to leave.”
“Please,” he begged. “I know what I did hurt you. But it’s killed me.”
I crossed the room to the front door and opened it. “You can’t be here. Like I said, I need time.”
His face fell, his lashes casting a soft shadow across pale skin. He nodded slowly and crossed the room to leave but paused in the doorway. Pained blue eyes held mine. Dimples flickered either side of his mouth. He hadn’t shaved and he looked rough.
“This is the worst thing I have ever done. And it always will be. I will never do this again. I promise you.”
I saw the agony in his eyes. And across his face. I heard it in his voice. And I believed him. But it didn’t change anything. He had still cheated on me and I didn’t know if I would ever be able to forgive him.
My eyes fell to the floor. “Bye Heath.”
“I’m going to prove to you Harlow that I’m sorry. I’m going to show you how much I love you.”
I looked up. “You’ve shown me that already. When you had sex with someone else.”
My words hurt him but he didn’t defend himself. He just nodded. And then he was gone.
I closed the door behind me and slid to the floor. I couldn’t hold back the tide of emotion any longer. The dam wall broke and I finally began to cry.
At lunchtime a bouquet of flowers arrived with a note that simply read: You are everything to me.
As I lay catatonic and heartbroken on my bed I looked at the card and truly wished I could believe him.
* * * * *
And so it went on over the next few days. The text messages. The phone calls. The flowers.
“You should talk to him,” Bridget said after a ridiculously huge bouquet of roses and gerberas turned up at work.
It was my first shift back since the breakup. When the flowers arrived, I stopped the flower delivery girl from leaving, asked her to drop them at the hospital across town and slipped her a twenty for her efforts.
“Brutal,” Leo said with raised eyebrows.
Silently, I shot him a warning look as I tied my apron around my waist.
Thankfully it was a busy night. Fat Tony had a band playing, a young group popular with the college crowd. By 9:30 the place was crowded and I was rushed off my feet taking orders and dishing out beers.
I was standing at the bar waiting for Leo to pour a couple of beers when he turned up. I looked up to see him standing in front of me. He looked terrible.
“What are you doing here?”
“You won’t answer my texts or phone calls. I had to see you.”
“I’m working.”
“Can you take a break?”
“No. Look around, Heath. This place is packed.”
“Please, I need to talk to you, Harlow.”
“It’s okay Harlow, you go take a break.” Fat Tony appeared next to me. His eyes were gentle and wise as he nodded his head towards the door. “We got it covered for a while.”
When I hesitated he gestured again towards the door. Reluctantly, I removed my apron and followed Heath out to the parking lot.
We stood in the half-light.
“What do you want Heath?”
“I’m sorry Harlow. I had to see you. Baby I’m so sorry—”
“Don’t call me that,” I said interrupting him and folding my arms around my waist.
He nodded. He looked exhausted. Like he had no more fight left in him.
“I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I fucked up. I really fucked up. And I know there is no excuse.” He looked pale and void of all the frenetic energy that was typical of him. “But I can’t keep going like this. I can’t lose you. I’m not coping without you –“
“That’s crazy Heath. If I was so fucking important, why did you fuck someone else?”
In the past couple of days my heartache had turned to a cold and ferocious anger. And this angry, hurt version of me wasn’t about to beat around the bush.
Heath shook his head and his eyes closed and opened, as if my words physically hurt him.
But his voice was calm.
“Since you came into my life, you have been the only thing I have been able to think about. I never thought I would fall in love like I did with you. I fell hard, Harlow. I fell so damn hard for you. You became everything to me, my every reason for breathing, every reason for living. But then when I saw you with Colton –”
He drew in a deep breath. “I’ve never known jealousy until I met him. I hated that you had loved him. Hated that he knew you before I did. Hated that you had so much history together. It was all new to me. I didn’t know how to cope with those feelings. And then, when I saw you together, I always knew you were too good for me and then when he kissed you and I thought you were kissing him back …” He groaned and looked desperate. “I’d never felt what I felt in that moment and it drove me insane.”
“Insane is fucking right.” I bit the inside of my mouth and tightened my arms around my waist.
“Please Harlow … this is killing me,” he begged softly. “I saw you with Colton and I didn’t know how to cope. I thought you didn’t want me anymore—”
“I told you that you could trust me. That you had nothing to worry about with Colton,” I snapped. “Yet when you see me with him you automatically think the worst. You’re always telling me to trust you. Yet the minute I need you to trust me, you go off and fuck som
e random girl in an airplane toilet cubicle.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” His eyes were suddenly bright with emotion. “Don’t you think I hate myself for not trusting you? Don’t you think I hate myself for all of this? For hurting you. For destroying us. God Harlow, don’t you think I know how much I let down the most important person in the world to me—” His voice broke and he exhaled deeply as he looked to the sky.
I couldn’t look at him. Because all I could see was him and that awful woman. My face felt stiff with hurt, my throat cold and tight.
“You need to leave me alone Heath. I need time to get over this.” I shook my head at my words. “If that’s even possible.”
“Will you ever be able to forgive me?”
I honestly didn’t know. At that moment it didn’t seem possible. All I could see was him and her. And my imagination was a mean bitch. It tormented me with images of him and her, together. Images of her awful red mouth all over him. Kissing him. Touching him. Fucking him … her tentacles sliming all over him.
“Probably not,” I whispered looking at the ground.
“Please don’t say that.”
“You’ve hurt me Heath. You. My best friend in the whole world. I never thought you’d –” I stopped, because my thoughts and words hurt me. “I need time to process this. To work out why. To work out why you gave up on us.”
“How could you say that?” he cried. “How could you say I gave up on us? I fucked up, Harlow. But you walking away … that’s you giving up on us!” He ran a hand over his face. “When you left me you took everything. I’m so lost without you I can hardly breathe. I can’t think straight. All I can think of is how I made the most incredible woman in the world stop loving me.”
Without warning he pulled me into his arms and I was no match for his strength. His strong arms encircled me, pinning my arms to my side. There was no point in struggling. But my body remained stiff and unresponsive. My eyes squeezed shut.
“Please baby,” he begged, holding me tightly against his thumping chest. “Please take me back.”
