by Kara Liane
Well I better see what damage I had caused, so I decided to sneak a peek at Alexi. I didn’t know if he would be mad, repulsed, or intrigued by my bold admission. I lifted my eyes ever so slightly, and saw he was gripping the table with epic force. Oh no, was this good or bad? So my gaze traveled further up until it rested on his handsome face. OMG! I could look at the man for hours. He was the most handsome, sexy man I had ever seen. Each time I looked at him, it was like the first time. I still couldn’t believe I was on a date with him. Surely this constituted as a date, right? I mean he never said it was, but I guess when you invite a lady to dinner that’s what it means. I was still so new at all this.
He had no idea how nervous I was. I had been a ball of jitters since I saw him this afternoon. I didn’t even have a dress to wear—well one that was appropriate for an evening of dining anyway. We certainly didn’t have any money to buy one. So thankfully when I called Meg trying to come up with a solution, she didn’t hesitate to jump right in. She came to my rescue by asking one of her dorm-mates, that was about my same body size, to let me borrow something.
I owed Meg so much. I swear that she is more of a big sister than a cousin, even though we are practically the same age. Meg rushed right over to my apartment just in the nick of time for me to dress, and catch Uber to get here to the restaurant. I couldn’t very well have my parents drop me off. I didn’t want to be late, and I got the impression that Alexi was a man not to be trifled with. He also struck me as one that was not patient, and expected results.
The heels were mine though, and I thought they looked quite daring paired with the dress and my baby pink toenail polish. I felt sexy for once. I wore my hair up just for him in order to change up my look, and hopefully appearing older and more glamorous. I don’t own a lot of nice things. However, I happened to have a pair of black, silky underwear, and a matching bra that my mom bought for me one Christmas from Victoria’s Secret. She said it was “nothing,” but I knew she wanted me to be prepared in the event of getting a boyfriend. My mom was super thoughtful like that and tried to help me see through my innocence and naivety. But my parents couldn’t protect me from everyone and everything, nor could they prepare me for the harshness that life hands you sometimes.
In the span of a few seconds of thinking all this, I realized that Alexi still hadn’t responded. So being the honest person I am, I thought I would not embarrass him or myself further, and just opt to end the evening.
“I realize this is probably a shock and that you’re probably disgusted with me. I’m sorry for saying it the way I did. I just felt you had a right to know. I am clearly out of my element and never should have agreed to tonight. You’re so much older and more worldly than me. You are beyond handsome, and powerful. I am just so overwhelmed and intimidated, and quite frankly don’t understand why you asked me here in the first place,” I rambled out. Then followed it up with, “I should probably go.”
Before I could even get up from the table, he came back with a resounding, “NO!”
I swear the whole restaurant shook with the boom in his voice. We were making a scene. He let go of the table and reached across for my hands. Immediately I reached for him. When we touched it was electric, and I couldn’t for the life of me now remember why I wanted to leave. The heck with embarrassment, he had me under his spell. We stared at each other, and I could see the panic in his eyes.
“Please don’t go,” he begged. He took a minute and swallowed loudly.
“I am sorry for my lack of response to your very personal and honest confession. You completely caught me off guard, and I don’t know if you can tell, but that doesn’t happen often. I am used to order and control in my life, and this just threw me. I am so far from disgusted…you have no idea. I am beyond taken with you Caylan. You fascinate me unlike any woman I have ever met. I don’t know what it is about you,” he said and took a pause. Then claimed, “I guess it’s everything about you. You’re so shy and innocent, yet you’re strong and have great conviction. An interesting dichotomy wouldn’t you say?”
Wow! He had a way with words, so much so to make me melt. I would need a big ol’ bowl in a minute because I was about to turn to soup before his very eyes. Umm, ladle for one please waiter, thank you!
Before I could voice anything, the waiter actually returned with our wine and salads. Thank goodness for the brief respite—I was granted a reprieve for now. I gulped down the wine gratefully and his knowing eyes twinkled with merriment, probably remembering that I asked him specifically to not let me do this very thing. This was going to be a long night. I instantly felt relaxed, though, and tried to muster up the will to eat my salad because I still wasn’t hungry. I knew I’d be sorry if I didn’t have anything in my stomach, so I dug in with gusto.
I’m not even going to mention the fact that if my mouth was full, then I couldn’t very well talk. Of course my brain wandered off on its own happy trail skipping right along, and well now let me point out there’s a disclaimer. Here is where I’m going to blame the alcohol because immediately after thinking of my mouth being full, I of course thought it could be stuffed with something else other than food. Oh Lord, give me strength!
My skin was probably ten shades of red, and I picked up my cloth napkin making a makeshift fan, and began to wave it at myself. Nope, not even going to look at his face. I didn’t need a soup bowl any longer, what I needed now was a turbo fan and some fresh panties.
Chapter 8: Change Your Underwear, Change Your Life
Caylan
“So how’d it go?” Meg asked me over the phone.
It was 10:30 p.m. and I just got back to my apartment after bidding my parents goodnight, who happened to still be waiting up for me. It was cute though that they waited, that was typical Mom and Dad. I left them with a brief recap of the night, minus the embarrassing stuff. I love that they didn’t pry any further. There really wasn’t much to tell anyway after my wet panty incident, and of course I would never divulge that information to them.
Alexi kept things light and causal the rest of the date anyway. Take notice that I am officially calling it a “date.” I think Alexi was in tune to my need for taking things slow, and it was the most refreshing conversation I had in a long time with a man. Compared to previous guys I conversed with, Alexi definitely qualifies as a man, and they were merely boys.
“It went really well. I told him about school and how I want to eventually work for the EPA doing something with conservation, or preservation. I also told him that we recently moved from Texas. He told me that his dad is a retired world-renowned plastic surgeon. His mom is a former model, and then became a stay-at-home mom. It sounds like he had a fabulous childhood, but I could also sense him holding back. We basically made small talk. Both of us just stuck to the basic likes and dislikes, and whatnot. I think tonight wasn’t the right night to get too deep into things,” I explained.
I could picture Meg waggling her eyebrows when she said, “Ooo, what I wouldn’t give to get deep with him.”
I rolled my eyes high to the heavens. God, she was one horny girl. I shouldn’t judge, though, because until Alexi, I was never really this interested in sexual activities.
Then she queried, “So I need deets lady! Did you have a hot makeout session at the end, or just go for it right there on the table?” She couldn’t help but giggle, and I couldn’t help but giggle right back.
“No! I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but he was quite the gentleman. We had a few intense moments here and there, but otherwise it was just friendly. Dinner was so delicious and I have to thank you again, and Tara too, for the dress. He loved it!” I expressed while smiling to myself.
Meg commented, “Well crap. I thought he’d rip it off you. That would have been total awesome-sauceome. I would have bought Tara a new dress. It would have been so worth it. Shit, I have to totally live vicariously through you girl. I know I don’t have your looks, so who the hell needs romance novels when I can just butt into your life?”
> Meg knew all my secrets, so she knew about the traumatizing incident from my past. I know she tries to act like it never happened for my sake, and that’s why I love her all the more. I even told her about my dream with the pink silk cord, so she’s been getting a real kick out of it all. Truth is, I don’t know what I’d do without her. I wish she wasn’t so negative about herself, though. But of course hello pot, meet kettle! Ugh, I know I do it too. That is why it was so magical being with Alexi. He made me feel beautiful, needed, wanted, and desired. I needed tonight more than I even realized.
When he went to kiss me goodnight, before I got into the car at the curb of the restaurant, I could see him searching my eyes. I knew he was gauging my reaction, and I panicked in that moment. Dreaming about someone, and then actually acting on those fantasies, are two separate things entirely. It is easy to compartmentalize your feelings when you have time to go through the motions and analyze it all. He stood there in his charcoal suit. I can’t tell you how utterly attractive he was—no words will do it justice. He wore a suit like a Calvin Klein model wears underwear.
His broad shoulders and muscular structure were evident through the material. I still could make out the outline of his erection. He didn’t wear a tie, and for some reason that drove me crazy. Sans tie meant he was a bit of a rebel, I thought. The two times I had seen him at the hospital in scrubs and his lab coat, led me to make up his physique in my mind. I knew without a doubt that my imagination was not exaggerating.
He leaned in towards me at a slow pace. My heart was beating right out of my chest, and my palms instantly turned to wet messes. I turned my head at the last second, though, and let him give me a light peck on the cheek. Internally I was wincing and cursing myself for being such a coward. He breathed a deep sigh, and I felt him swallow back whatever he was about to say. I could tell he was disappointed, but he didn’t voice said disappointment. He just helped me into the car and let me drive away. As I turned around—while driving off and looked out the back window—I could see him watching after me. He was standing there flexing his fingers repeatedly.
“Earth to Cay…hellooooooo!” Meg practically screamed into the phone.
Oops! Crap, I didn’t even realize she was talking. I was totally lost in my thoughts, obviously, and questioned, “Sorry Megs, what did you ask?”
She huffed out in exasperation and repeated, “I said, are you going to see him again? Ya know, did ya make plans, or what?”
I smiled and sighed in bliss as I answered her. “He wants me over for dinner on Thursday night. He said he was going to cook something. He said Friday’s are usually his lighter duty days at the hospital, unless he has emergencies, or he’s on call. So I just have to make it through three days until I see him again,” I told her with gleefulness.
I closed my eyes thinking about his suit again. Then I continued with, “At least he finally has my number too, so maybe we can talk on the phone or something. I would text or even call him…but I don’t want to seem too desperate.”
Meg tsked and replied, “Girl, make him work for it! I agree he should come to you, not the other way around. Gah! This is like watching a movie. I’m so excited I might pee. Is that TMI?”
In true Meg fashion, that was in fact not TMI—for her at least. I was not even going to tell her that if she had to change her underwear, well that would make two of us. I could not bring myself to tell her that part. Nope, I’m going to keep that little nugget of information to myself. We hardly had secrets from one another, but a girl has to have some secrets sometimes, right?
I went with a subject-changer. “I can’t wait for this semester to end. It’s such an amazing feeling knowing that finals are in two weeks. I can’t slack off anymore. I’m going to have to study my booty off. I think between being sidetracked by my brother’s surgery, and now Alexi, I won’t get straight A’s,” I whined.
“Oh be quiet Cay. I know you’ll ace them all. You always do! You worry too much. You’re the smartest person I know, well besides Dr. Hotness now. Oh my God! We’re going to have to think of some reason for you to see him in which you need some ‘medical attention,’” Meg mused.
I could totally see her hooking her fingers and making air-quotes on her end of the phone regarding “medical attention.” I know this girl so well, and so much for my grand subject-changer.
“Umm..it doesn’t quite work like that. He’s a cardiologist so I can’t imagine, besides a broken heart, what I could possibly get this ‘medical attention’ for,” I responded with.
“Duh! You could just do the whole naughty nurse thing. Oh no, wait, I got one better! Tell him you have a serious infucktion,” she laughed. I was appalled. But she went right on along down that track of thinking. “I crack myself up sometimes. Anyway, he could give you intra-penis treatment if you know what I mean,” she giggled.
Good Lord, she just couldn’t help herself sometimes. I couldn’t contain my giggling either, and we fell into peals of laughter that felt like it lasted a good ten minutes. I had tears streaming down my face, and it felt so good to joke like this. After I coughed and sputtered from my giggle fit, I said my goodbyes to Meg and we hung up. Guess I better get ready for bed now, minus one pair of damp panties.
***
I so wanted to fall asleep. It had been a long, draining, but a rewarding day. I laid there awake for a little bit before I decided to pull out my journal. I love to write poetry. Thoughts of whatever pop into my head and usually end up in my journal. It’s not like a diary that I record each day about the goings-on in my life. It’s more of a feelings book, cataloguing painful moments in poetic form. I would like to think I’m a happy or content person for the most part, or at least I’m trying to be. I’m trying to heal. Mostly I focus on writing about pain when I scribble something down. I was seeing a therapist back in Texas, but never found one that I could get along with near my new home here. It was just as well, though, because the co-pays would have significantly impacted our finances. I just couldn’t do that to my parents, even though they would have argued to no end with me.
There are so many things I want to do in life, and I know I can’t be scared forever to go after them. There are so many dreams and goals I have set for myself. Besides writing and wanting to be an environmental scientist, I would also love to be a mother. My mom had my brother when she was twenty. Now I of course don’t want to have a baby tomorrow, well not only because the obvious being that I’m still a virgin, but also because I want to make something of myself first. But one day. One day I would love to hold a little one in my arms. Enough of that day-dreaming, I had another poem rolling around in my head that needed to get out. So I wrote.
Wide Open
Sky sprinting on,
Storm rollin’ in,
High seas a’comin,
It’s about to begin.
Rain flowing strong,
Rough seas ahead,
Rocks tumbling by,
Muddy waters to tread.
My tears that I’ve cried have me split wide, wide open.
Trees blowin’ leaves,
The breeze is chilling,
Thunder clouds keep pouring,
The sun is unwilling.
My tears that I’ve cried have me split wide, wide open.
You tsunami’d my heart.
Don’t travel back this way, don’t stay.
You eclipsed my heart.
These tears that I’ve cried have me split wide, wide open.
I thought I’d feel better after I wrote it, but I didn’t. Maybe because I decided to revisit my past again instead of moving on with the future? The nameless one was my past…but Alexi could be my future.
I think it was a nagging voice at the back of my head that kept telling me I should confess to Alexi sooner, rather than later, about Texas. If I’m truly interested in Alexi, then I’m going to have to open up to him eventually. He needed to know why I was the way I was. I think I played it too safe at dinner tonight. I guess selfishly I
was just so afraid to scare him off. I wanted more time with him before he decided to bolt and realized that I was just too much darn work.
Why do these things have to be so complicated?
As I was pondering, I realized it was close to midnight. I really owed it to myself to rest. I closed my journal and put it back in my bedside drawer. I wasn’t kidding when I freaked out earlier about not getting straight A’s. I am not a perfectionist in my opinion, but the grades meant so much to me because school is what brought me back to life after that horrific day. So I needed to stay focused so I could graduate. There were only two semesters to go. Sadly, I couldn’t stop classes this summer. I would have accelerated courses for three months, and then a full fall-term. I was so glad that I could walk in the December graduation ceremony, well that is if all went well.
While I was thinking all this, I heard my phone vibrate from under my pillow. I pulled it out thinking it was Meg, and looked at the bright screen. It was actually Alexi’s number with a text message. I frantically tried to unlock my phone, but I kept keying in the wrong password. This delayed me from seeing his message. Of course I had to wait the mandatory one minute and try and key it in again, since I screwed up too many times. I sighed loudly. Story of my life!
I couldn’t help but laugh to myself over the fact that when the message flashed it didn’t come up under “Alexi.” Nope, it came up under “Dr. Hotness.” Yup, I totally stole that one from Meg. I’d like to think I coined it first, but I’ll give her the credit when she dubbed him that the day I met him in the breakroom. She’ll be so jealous when she finds out his new name. I also had a special ringtone for him that I set up. I was praying he’d call so I’d get to hear it. I felt like a thirteen-year-old crushing on the hot jock at school, but I couldn’t help it. The chosen song for him was Mötley Crüe’s Dr. Feelgood.
