by Kara Liane
I didn’t know what else to say or do, so I just responded with, “I love him.”
Her eyes widened slightly either in surprise or acknowledgement. “That is quite evident even without the verbal confirmation,” she expressed.
She put her coffee down and folded her hands in her lap so primly. I put my cup down too, and knew this was probably headed to a come-to-Jesus kind of talk. I was wrong, though. It was story-time.
“I’m going to tell you a little story. So indulge me, if you will,” she more or less told than asked, and her eyebrow went up slightly.
This was actually kind of fun studying her face so much. I couldn’t imagine the willpower it took to keep her reactions under wraps. I admired her. But I also realized this was something she had perfected over time. I nodded for her to go on. She looked off in the distance instead of at me, as if she was somewhere far away recalling details.
She then began. “Alexi was fourteen when his father found out that I was having an affair,” she said matter-of-factly.
Thank God I wasn’t drinking because I would have surely spat my tea all over her shiny, taught face. I took a page right out of Alexi’s book and flexed my hands at my sides. Holy crap, I didn’t know she would be so blunt and open with me. This confession shocked the stuffins’ out of me. Okay, do I respond?
I didn’t have to, though, as she picked right back up, “Randolph worked tirelessly. I’m not making excuses, I’m just stating fact. I didn’t even love Albert. He was a colleague of Randolph’s, but not as skilled or as sought after. So he had more time on his hands for other things than my husband did, you see.” She took a brief pause after a very tiny sigh. She still looked off in the distance.
“It was only going on a few months, but it was enough to almost end my marriage. The night I’m referring to is one in which Randolph found a stack of love letters hidden in my closet. I didn’t return Albert’s affections in the sense of love, so I do not know what possessed me to keep the darn things. But it is a night none of us will ever forget. I still don’t know what Randolph was doing going through my things in the first place. But that is neither here nor there,” she commented. She waved her hand in the air for emphasis.
Then, she abruptly stood up and walked over to the bar in the corner. I was so locked in place because of the nature of the conversation, that I didn’t dare move or speak. She poured herself some kind of alcoholic beverage and returned to her seat. Crap, maybe I’d need a drink too after hearing this. She looked in my eyes for a second, and then down at her drink. She took a deep breath.
“I betrayed him. I betrayed them both,” she stated.
I don’t see how she betrayed Albert, but whatever. She looked back up from her lap at me, as if she heard my unspoken assumption.
“I’m not talking about Albert and Randolph, mind you. I’m talking about Randolph and Alexi,” she admitted.
Then it clicked. I finally got it! This is why Alexi said what he did to me during that drunken phone call a few weeks ago. It didn’t excuse his behavior, but I understood it now. It was eerie that somehow his mom knew I needed to know this story to help slay some more of my demons.
I had this inward conversation in my head going on when she continued, “I don’t want to go into all the details, it was a long time ago. I just felt I wouldn’t do my son justice if I didn’t help shed light on a subject that never was addressed properly all those years ago. Alexi locked himself away that night, I think. He heard the heated conversation of Randolph and I screaming at one another. It was vicious and ugly, to say the least. As a family, we all love each other, but the hurt ran deep that night. The plan for Alexi to become a doctor was already set into motion practically since birth, but he announced his interest in cardiology shortly after the affair.” Her face slipped for a second as if bewildered. “I often wondered if he wanted to fix hearts because of the broken ones that occurred that night,” she surmised.
A tear slid down her cheek. Oh my God she is human! I was originally terrified of her, and now I found a sort of kinship with her. We both loved Alexi beyond measure, and I knew she and I could build from that. She swiped the tear away, downed the rest of the contents of her drink, and gently placed the glass on the coffee table in front of us. I flexed my hands again—darn Alexi for this habit I now found so soothing. She looked at me and the mask was back in place.
“Now, that’s that!” she claimed.
I knew the subject was closed, and I also knew it would never be reopened. That’s okay though, I had what I felt was the final piece of the foundation sealed into place. Alexi and I could be stable now. I realized that he felt betrayed by Britney and her lies during those weeks, and now there was nothing that stood between us. We could move on and leave all the garbage behind—I’d toss it all right into the compost pile I was starting.
God, I wanted to thank Juliet, but I suspected she wouldn’t appreciate me making a thing of this. So that truly was, that!
***
The rest of the weekend was splendid, well for the most part. Friday after my conversation with Juliet, I went to bed before Alexi. He must have been up late with his father or mother, but I was too tired to go in search of him; I’d probably have gotten lost in the house anyway, and they’d have to send out a search party for me. I finally felt him slide in the bed sometime late in the night. We didn’t make love then. I hated to admit that I didn’t mind, though, because my body and mind needed a break. I also felt strange having sex in a place where his parents were; granted they were like a whole wing away, but still.
I woke up Saturday morning energized, and Alexi was slightly grumpy. I suspected it was because he didn’t get a little nookie the night before. He didn’t complain, though, so I appreciated that. It wasn’t as if it was the first night we went to bed without making love, but it was one of the few, I guess—we were practically mating rabbits most of the time. After a refreshing morning swim in the pool, we had a hearty breakfast. My appetite was in full swing. Lillyanne was a talented woman, and thank God she didn’t live close because I’d be chubby in no time.
We went out on the water on his parents’ yacht in the afternoon. Alexi never ceased to amaze me with his ability to do anything and everything. I had no idea he knew about boating, on top of everything else. He and his dad literally taught me the ropes and gave me a crash course while we were out on the water. Juliet seemed lost in thought today, and I suspected last night’s conversation had taken its toll on her. You wouldn’t know based on her face, but I could see the invisible weights on her shoulders. She had on one of those lovely big hats with a striped sailor top and white pants. She was just so put together. Gah! I’m so lucky to have witnessed the side of her I did last night—it would be our little secret. Well, maybe my secret from Alexi. I think I’d have to tell Meg—that was usually a given.
That night, Alexi made love to me with the balcony doors open so the stars could flood the room. The billowy curtains blew in the breeze, and it was like going to bed with a god. I had to concentrate on being more quiet than usual. It was a hardship indeed being quiet. Alexi started with oral, and ended with oral. He made me get over my fear of sex in his parents’ house. I really had no choice in the matter but to actually get over it because he threatened to take me in public if I denied him.
Tonight when we were intimate, I had put every ounce of my heart and soul in our coupling. I was telling him with my body and touches that I knew why he had reservations. That he needed to let them go. That I was different. That I understood him. That I wouldn’t betray him. I knew he’d never betray me. At one point, he looked at me strangely. I swore it was like he knew what I was trying to convey. He never said anything, though, he just kept thrusting in and out of me at a leisurely pace. We were soothing and healing each other. It was a beautiful thing.
When Sunday rolled around, I was not bright-eyed and bushy-tailed like I’d hoped I’d be. But for appearances sake, I acted like it. Alexi didn’t ask me what was wrong, a
nd if he suspected anything, he didn’t let on. I assumed he probably thought I was being reflective on our love making from the night before because it was more earth shattering than any other time we’d been together. Even after all the I love you’s, last night was just so different somehow. It was almost as if it was a goodbye in some way.
But what were we saying goodbye to?
I didn’t dwell on it too long because after breakfast, it was time to pack up and drive away. We needed to get a head start on traffic because Alexi had an important—well they’re all important—but difficult surgery scheduled for the next morning. He needed rest and downtime to mentally and physically prepare for the operation.
We gave big hugs to Lillyanne. I did not want to let her go. I took immediately to calling her Granny Lil like Alexi did, and she just seemed to eat it up. I was sad to leave her. We gave hugs to his mom and dad as well. When Juliet hugged me, I swear she lingered a little longer than was normal. I gripped her back almost in thanks letting her know that her words were the most important ones spoken that weekend. I think she knew I would never hurt Alexi. She needed that reassurance too that if I was to be the one, that I wouldn’t fail him in any capacity.
I knew deep down to my very core that I would never cheat on him. I couldn’t live with myself if I did. No matter how much Alexi worked, I would never seek comfort or attention in the arms of another man. It just wasn’t possible! Alexi ruined me for any other man, and I was fine with this notion.
We drove away from the house, and I had this sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach that I couldn’t shake. It’s strange how one minute you feel that everything is right, and the next there is something just off. I couldn’t verbalize it. I didn’t want to ask Alexi or acknowledge it because I didn’t want to give birth to something if there was nothing to be born. I would give small smiles every now and then. Fake it until you make it, right?—he did the same thing.
He eventually turned on some music as we were heading towards the highway. He pulled at the collar of his shirt a little, as if needing breathing space. Hmm, interesting. Maybe we were both feeling this tightness of some sort, for whatever reason. The song that came on next had me rolling my eyes onward and upward. I swear, my luck of the draw with these songs.
I thought I’d change the radio station, but what was the point? Phil Collins’ One More Night played on in the car. The top on the convertible was up, so it just seemed to echo forever in the small space. I put on my sunglasses to hide my eyes—I was not giving anything away to the man in the driver’s seat.
Heart don’t fail me now, what on earth could be wrong between us?
Was it something in me?
Chapter 23: There’s a Pill for That
Caylan
It was late Monday morning and I was supposed to be heading to class. Alexi had been gone for hours by this point. I just stared at my calendar on my phone and I counted fifty-three days—that is how long I’ve known him now. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but in other ways it seems like it’s been a lifetime.
I realized it had been almost six and half weeks, or rather forty-five days, since I first slept with my Dr. Hotness. My brain seemed a little foggy at the moment because I was just about to calculate something else—I couldn’t remember now what that was. Suddenly my phone rang in my hand, interrupting my cloudy thoughts. It was Meg. I swiped my finger to answer.
“Hey Megsy,” I answered in greeting; I had many nicknames for her.
“What’s up, biotch?” she asked playfully.
“Nothing much. I don’t feel well. So I’m taking it easy today,” I replied.
She harrumphed and said, “That’s so unlike you girly. You know you do have a doctor in the house to take care of you, right?”
I sighed loudly. I didn’t want to get into discussing the weird feelings I had experienced yesterday as we drove away from his parents’ house.
She continued on, “Yeah, I thought I’d catch you before class but if you’re not feeling well, then I can come over and take care of you. I hate rubbing it in that I have no classes this summer, but you know I don’t. I’ll make you soup and we can watch Magic Mike and eat our fave of chocolate ice cream and bacon. That would be fucking awesome-sauceome with a cherry on top!”
I laughed. She knew how to cheer me up. That did sound nice, except for the bacon idea. “Eh, no-go on the bacon. I couldn’t stomach that right now. Even the sound of it has me wanting to run for the toilet. Ugh!” I stated.
She laughed boisterously. “Fuck! Either you’re sick and dying, or you’re pregnant,” she responded jokingly.
I asked, “What?” Meg didn’t respond and got quiet as I imagined we both froze in place.
Crap!
“Why are you so quiet now?” I demanded to know. I wasn’t going to truly address what she just said until I heard her repeat it.
“Umm, don’t panic. But did you ever think you could be pregnant?” she stated rather than asked.
No. No, I did not think that, did I? Is that what I was trying to calculate? Calculate how long it had been since I missed my period?
Then it occurred to me, oh my God, I had more than missed it—I had passed go and never collected my two-hundred dollars. Jesus, I had only been having sex for six weeks now. But of course it had been drilled into my head since Sex-Ed class in middle school that “it only takes one time.”
Crap! If I really was pregnant, that would explain everything as to why I’d been moody, hormonal, tired, and so sick to my stomach lately. How far along would I be, though? Was it the very first time we made love, or from a more recent encounter? My mind was spinning out of control.
Wait, I need to not put the cart before the horse, and I need to slam on the brakes here. I’m on the pill. But then I tried desperately to recall the accounts of the weekend at the lake house. I forgot, for obvious reasons, to take the required doses. Too distracted Friday night when Alexi and I finally slept together, and too overwhelmed on Saturday night when everything fell apart. When you are as devastated, distraught, and destroyed as I was that weekend, you tend to forget. Even when I returned home, I didn’t bother to double up on pills because I thought I’d never reunite with Alexi anyway. God, this was a mess. I had to think. I had to focus. I would be in denial because then everything was okay.
“Megs, I’m on the pill. I don’t think the one time in my entire life I finally decide to have sex and forget my pills—that I got pregnant,” I whined.
Was I trying to convince myself, or her? As I said it, though, it all made sense and became very clear. I’m an idiot. Could I really be pregnant from this one little slip up? Well, in light of this new information, I guess I did really need to see a doctor now—it wasn’t going to be Dr. Hotness. I couldn’t even think about the fact that if I was pregnant, this would not go over well with Alexi. Would it be the end of us? Is that what that goodbye was this weekend? Somehow it all seemed final, even though I didn’t consciously know it was. Okay, I’m going to not think about it. Meg finally replied to my question.
“Cay, it’s totally possible. You know damn well the pill isn’t 100 percent effective anyway. Jesus, that’s like a well-known fact. I don’t know how late you are, so you better find out. You should make an appointment with your primary care doctor right away. I can come with you if you want,” she offered.
She’s the best, but I wasn’t going to accept. “Megs, you know I love you and appreciate you wanting to support me. But, this is something I need to do by myself. I’ll call you if I need you, though. I know I don’t have to ask, but please don’t breathe a word of this to anyone?” I begged.
She scoffed and finished with, “Of course I won’t. My lips are sealed. I love you. Call me if you need me.”
I told her I loved her too and said my goodbyes. I ended the call and sat there for a while on our bed. Ha! Our bed, maybe soon it would just be his bed again. I finally convinced myself to look up on my phone the number for my family physician. I was able
to get an appointment for this afternoon. They couldn’t do an ultrasound, but said the first step is to confirm through a blood test that I was in fact pregnant. From there, they would refer me to an OBGYN if I did have a baby baking in my oven. I agreed that I would be in this afternoon. I hung up after speaking to the appointment scheduler, and had a little crying jag.
I felt a little better after about twenty minutes, and decided my lazy butt needed to get ready. I got a shower, ate some lunch, and went through the motions of mentally preparing for what may lie ahead. I’m glad I didn’t even bother with taking a home pregnancy test. I don’t think I could have gone through that worry of thinking I read it wrong, did it wrong, or it was a false-positive or something. Nope, better to just go right to the source.
God, I was also terrified that since I’d still been taking my pills, that I could have hurt the baby in some way. I was full of questions. Jeez, 3:15 p.m. could not come soon enough!
***
Alexi
It was just after 3 p.m. I had a very lengthy, delicate operation this morning. There were a few minor complications, that were unexpected of course. But luckily all was well in the end. Now I sat at my desk in my office and tried to decompress from the procedure. It wasn’t just my work, though, that wore on me today. More than anything, it was Caylan.
Liz knew I wasn’t quite with it, and I think that was what delayed the operation. I was taking longer than usual to suture and cauterize areas—that was not me at all. Rest assured that there were no mistakes. Thank God for Liz because she always knew how to get my fucking head back in the game. I would never let my personal life affect the life of my patient, and she knew that. Without her by my side, though, some days I didn’t think I could make it through. Thank fuck that I was alone now to reflect on all this shit that kept piling up.
I wish I knew what was bothering Caylan. Maybe it was the worry over Greg? Maybe my parents said something to her? Surely she would have told me on either account. But clearly there was something bothering her. Ever since we woke up yesterday morning, she just seemed off. As we drove out of the gates from the Hamptons, there was this thick robe of discontentment between us. She hid her eyes from me under sunglasses, and she just listened to the radio. At one point, a very poignant ballad played that made me think I needed to beg her to stay.
