Still not sure what to say to one another. The tension was too much for Peyton. She couldn’t take it anymore, hating the way they tiptoed around each other trying not to rock the boat.
“Just yell at me and get it over with.”
Stretched out on one of the two beds, Ellis looked up from his new phone. He was sending Josh or Chase a text, firming up plans for tomorrow. His brows had also shot up in surprise. Apparently he’d thought that they would do this forever.
“Why might I want to yell at you?”
He wanted to play it that way? Like it had never happened?
“Because of what happened last night.”
Setting his cell down on the bed, he turned to give her his attention. “Let me ask you a question. If I was angry with you, what would that accomplish? Would that change your mind? I doubt it.”
It wouldn’t but it would make her feel less guilty.
She wasn’t even sure how to begin. “I wasn’t kind last night.”
His lips twisted in a sort of smile. “The world isn’t kind, princess, so don’t sweat it. You only told the truth. I can’t fault you for that.”
“You should expect better from your friends. You should definitely expect better from me.”
“I’m not mad at you.”
She believed him. Ellis rarely lost his temper. For real. He’d growl and complain but he was always in control.
“But you’re not happy with me.”
His head fell back onto the headboard so he was staring at the ceiling. “You’re not going to let this go, are you? Can we just forget about it? I’m not much for picking at a scab until I bleed.”
“It’s just…”
She cared about him.
“It’s just I don’t want things to be like this,” she said lamely. “This is awful.”
He’d risen from the bed and walked over to the window, lifting the edge of the curtains an inch or two to look outside. “Actually I’ve had some time to think about this and I think you’re right. We wouldn’t work. We come from two different worlds, princess, and no one knows that more than I do. I’ve been fooling myself but you brought me back to reality. It’s better if we’re just protector and protectee.”
She’d managed to do all that. Amazing. She rarely convinced anyone of anything but somehow he’d come to the conclusion she was a snob.
“That’s not what I said,” she protested. “I simply said you made me feel weak.”
He dropped the curtain and turned to face her, his blue eyes an icy gray. “I don’t think that’s any better. In fact, it sounds a hundred times worse.”
Crisscrossing her legs under her, she sat up on the mattress. He wasn’t going to make this easy for her and frankly, why should he? She was the one that screwed up. She was going to have to take a few chances to make this right. He might respond or he might tell her to jump in a cold lake but she had to try.
“Will you sit down and hear me out?” she asked, watching his expression closely for any rejection. “There are things I need to tell you.”
For a moment it looked like he was going to refuse but with a soft sigh, he came to sit down on the bed opposite hers. “I’m listening.”
Sort of impatiently. but this was the best she could hope for under the circumstances.
“First of all, we do not come from two different worlds. I lead a very normal existence. I do laundry, I go to the grocery store, I fix dinner. I’m just like everyone else.”
He snorted. “Except with millions of dollars. Let’s face it, princess, you don’t have to do any of those things if you don’t want to. That’s what separates us. You have choices most people can only dream about.”
“I can’t argue that,” she said honestly. “But you keep calling me princess and I need you to know that I am far and away not even close to that. I don’t spend my days at the spa and wear jewels and gowns. I’d rather hang out at home, order a pizza, and watch a movie.”
“That’s not why I call you princess.” Ellis shook his head. “I call you that because sometimes you seem like you live in another place and time, as if the real world hasn’t touched even though it’s been fucking cruel. I don’t know how you manage to keep your innocence when the universe seems bound and determined to strip it away and replace it with cynicism.”
That made her smile. “The ability to compartmentalize my life. It comes in handy at times like this. If you had my upbringing, you’d be good at it too. This is a good segue, actually. About that whole weak thing…let me explain.”
His entire expression closed down and she wished she could ignore this conversation but it had to be done. She had to help him understand.
“It’s my mother,” she choked out, her throat tightening. Talking about her family had never been easy.
“Your mother?” he echoed. “She’s nothing like you.”
“I’m not so sure,” Peyton smiled sadly. “I think at one point in her life she might have been happy too but those days are gone. She’s a shell of a human being, Ellis. Being with my father has drained whatever joy and energy out of her that she had.”
Ellis scratched his chin. “Your father is…kind of intense.”
“I don’t want to end up like my mother. I don’t want to end up weak, a mere shadow of the man in my life.”
“That sounds like a good plan.” He frowned and shook his head. “I’m not sure what this has to do with us though.”
“I feel weak with you, and I’m scared to end up like my mother.”
Chapter Thirteen
Ellis had to pick his chin up off of the floor. Peyton truly believed that being with him would make her like her mother. She did live in a world all of her own. The reality was far different.
“But I don’t care about that anymore,” she declared, her deep blue eyes filled with emotion. “After what happened to us today, the thought of being apart from you is unbearable. You’re the single most important person in my life, Ellis. I cannot lose you. I think…I might be falling in love with you.”
He’d dreamed of hearing those exact words from her pretty pink lips but not like this. That universe that had been messing with the women was branching out and taking him on now.
“Thank you…I think?”
Rearing back, she couldn’t hide the hurt on her face. The pain he hadn’t meant to inflict but… Hell, what was he supposed to say?
He reached across the divide and picked up her hand in his. “Listen to me, princess, what you said…damn, I barely know what to say. You have to know how I feel about you…how I’ve felt practically since the first moment I laid eyes on you. It’s been inside of me fighting its way out and I’ve tried to keep it to myself knowing that you weren’t ready–”
“But I am,” she protested, her fingers tightening painfully on his. “I feel the same.”
If only he could believe that.
“Let me review what you just said to me. You’re falling in love with me and you don’t care if you become a mindless robot like your mother. You’re okay with that. You also said that you realized it when we were in danger, which makes me wonder if this love is more gratitude and fear of being alone. No matter what I won’t abandon you, not when you need me.”
Pink suffused her fair skin and she tugged her hand away to press those same fingers against her hot cheeks. “I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.”
He couldn’t hold back the smile at her confession. “I think perhaps both of us have an issue or two when it comes to saying what we truly mean. Let’s start at the beginning. Why do you think being with me will turn you into your mother?”
Her gaze dropped to the comforter. “You have such a big personality, Ellis. Let’s face it, I fade into the background when we’re together. If that happens now think about how it will be twenty or thirty years from now.”
He’d laugh out loud if she wasn’t so damn serious. “You’re no wallflower, and there’s no fading. You’re a strong woman, Peyton, and when you walk into
a room people notice. I said you were fierce and I meant it. Shit, I noticed the first moment I met you. Why in God’s name do you think you’re like your mother?”
Her silence spoke volumes and he had an idea who had put that image in her brain.
“Jesus H. Christ, was it your family? Did they say you were like her? I should have punched your father in the face when I had the chance.”
Her fingers plucked at the hem of a pillowcase. “It was my tenth birthday. Father said I looked just like my mother.”
“And?”
“That we were like twins. He called us two peas in a pod. Even then I knew I didn’t want to be like her, or them.”
Scraping his hands down his face, he realized he was going to have to try to undo damage that had been festering for over twenty years.
“Babe, parents say shit like that but they don’t necessarily mean it. Sure, you and your mother are both blonde and blue-eyed with a strong family resemblance, but that’s where it ends. He probably said it because little girls often want to grow up to be their mothers from what I understand. He wanted you to picture yourself as her but honey, you are not like her. You already said it yourself. You’re no princess. Wasn’t it you that bummed around Europe pissing off your parents before you got married?”
Finally a smile. “Yes, they hated that.”
“And wasn’t it you that wore old blue jeans and t-shirts when they wanted you to buy designer clothes?”
“I did that. It made my mother crazy. She’d ask why I dressed like a hobo as if she’d ever seen one in real life.”
“So you’re nothing like your mother,” he said. “She might be quiet and retiring but you were ready to kick some ass this morning. You would have done it too.”
“I’d kick your ass if it needed it,” she said quietly, still not looking directly at him.
“I know you would and I would probably deserve it. You are your own woman, Peyton. You are not your mother. And I am not your father. Not by a long shot.” This was about something other than being scared that she was a limp noodle. “Maybe you’re scared of something else. Maybe it’s not about this.”
She did look up then, her eyes glittering with tears. “Say what you mean. You don’t normally have this much trouble speaking your mind.”
“I was only thinking of your feelings.” He took a deep breath. “You’re scared, so you’re grabbing onto every reason on the planet. Greg was an asshole and treated you like shit. Your mother is a weakling who lives in the shadow of your overbearing father. Pick a third reason and fill in the blank. Maybe you’re just scared because being in love and in a relationship is a fucking frightening thing to do. Commitment is hard and it didn’t go so well last time. If you think about it, it’s kind of smart to be wary. Did you worry about being weak when you married Greg?”
She tilted her head, considering his question. “I was so young I’m not sure I worried about much of anything back then. I thought he and I would live this bohemian artist lifestyle, traveling all over Europe. I was excited about the future, getting away from my parents.” Her shoulders slumped. “I married for the wrong reasons. I married the wrong man.”
He slid off of the bed and knelt on the floor in front of her. “I’m not asking you to marry me if that’s what you’re worried about. I’m not sure I’m the marrying kind. But if that artist lifestyle stuff is something you still want then I am not the man for you. I’m a cop and I go in to work every day. I work long hours and I sometimes forget to pay attention to other things. And people. It’s not just what I do—it’s who I am.”
“I don’t care about that–”
He waved away her protests. She needed to truly think about what they’d said tonight.
“I do. I care a hell of a lot because I don’t want you to regret us down the road. I believe that you have feelings for me, and I know that I do for you. I think you need to really think about what you want. The kind of life you want to lead, the kind of man that will make you happy. Stop worrying about your mother or Greg and simply take control and decide what you want to be. I might fit in, but I might not. You have the power here, Peyton. Not me, your father, your mother, or Greg.”
He weaved their fingers together and lifted her hands to press chaste kisses on the knuckles. He wouldn’t go any further. It had to be her decision.
“I think that’s the nicest refusal any woman has heard from a man.”
Chuckling, he shook his head. “Because I wasn’t turning you down. I’m simply delaying it a little. I’ll still be here if you decide you want me. It just has to be for the right reasons.”
Not because she was scared or grateful. Not because she didn’t want to run her own life.
Being chivalrous sucked. He wanted to take her into his arms and keep her there but he couldn’t do that. It had to be right…for both of them.
Peyton just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for a hundred years. She hadn’t rested well at the hotel in Oxford, too keyed up after what they’d been through. They’d decided to leave after only one night, Ellis practically pawing the ground to get back to the States and his familiar stomping grounds. His tension and stress level had been off the charts the entire time they’d been in the UK but now that their plane had touched down in Clearwater, his shoulders weren’t as rigid and his jaw wasn’t as clenched. He was still moody as hell but at least he wasn’t going to have a stroke because of that.
The private airstrip was dark with only a few people bustling by them, taking care of the plane. Willow had arranged for her housekeeper to drop off one of her vehicles so they wouldn’t have to take a taxi late at night. Just as she’d promised there was a small SUV waiting for them, keys under the passenger side floor mat. Ellis palmed the keys and motioned for Peyton to climb in. “Let’s get out of here. I’ll feel better when we’re at the safe house.”
It had been decided that the best place for them to hide out was the home Peyton’s mother had told them about. If it was truly a secret, it seemed like the best place to lie low.
“Maybe I should drive?” Smiling, she held out her hand. “Since I know my way around this area and you…don’t.”
He tossed her the keys with a growl. “I guess that’s okay, although you could easily direct me.”
“What is it about the male animal and being driven? Does it mess with your testosterone level?”
“It’s like having your mommy drive you to school.”
He’d been in a rotten mood since escaping London. Tense, grouchy, easy to bait. This time, though, she didn’t think it was all her and her wayward emotions. This bad attitude was courtesy of her friendly neighborhood new world order secret society. Ellis was pissed off that they’d been run out of the city and he wasn’t taking it well. In the last thirty-six hours she’d tried to make it her mission to take his mind off of things as much as possible. It hadn’t been easy, stuck in one room for hours on end except when they left to get something to eat. She’d taken to telling him stories about her adventures when she was traveling about Europe and all the interesting people she’d met.
Gratefully sliding into the driver’s seat, she tossed her purse and small carry-on over her shoulder and into the back seat. “I’ll get us there in one piece. Do you think they know we’ve left?”
Always that nebulous they. Peyton wasn’t even sure she knew who they were. Was it the good faction of Evandria or the rogue? Was it both? Was there even a good faction or were both sides obsessed with power? Her head hurt just thinking about it.
“I’m not sure. I never felt like we were being followed in Oxford or when we went to the airport to leave. Maybe they think we’re lying low in London or somewhere near there and will turn up eventually. I don’t think our presence here in the US will be much of a secret for long, though. The pilot filed a flight plan, so it’s not like we could sneak back into the country.”
Sighing, she pulled two ibuprofen from her pocket and popped them into her mouth, chasing them with some water from
her bottle before starting the car and pulling away from the airport. The traffic was light this time of night.
“Are you going to let them know we touched down?” she asked.
“Done. I sent Chase a text as soon as we landed. I thought I’d get an answer by the time we made it through customs but maybe they’re asleep.”
That didn’t sound right. Chase and Josh had been jumpy about Peyton and Ellis traveling back on their own. She would have thought they’d be pacing the floor until wheels on the plane touched the tarmac.
“It only took five minutes to get through customs. There wasn’t a line. Why don’t you text them again?”
For once Ellis didn’t argue with her, instead tapping out another message. “How long will it take to get to the house?”
“About an hour and a half or so. It’s off the beaten path. Remember Willow’s car garage?”
Ellis nodded. “It was out in the boonies.”
“This house is farther than that.”
She thought she heard him mumble something along the lines of “terrific” or “awesome” but she had no doubt what he said was meant sarcastically.
“We could talk about the puzzle,” she suggested when the silence became too much. Anything was better than Ellis sitting next to her worrying.
“You don’t even know that it’s a puzzle.”
“Why would they have three addresses that all don’t exist? There has to be a reason.”
“Evandria’s crazy. There. That’s a reason.”
Patience. She needed more patience to deal with Ellis when he was like this. Ornery and stubborn, he was determined not to like anything and everyone today.
“I would think the detective in you would relish a challenge like this.”
He didn’t even turn from looking out of the window. “I would think by now you would realize that I don’t want to fucking talk when I’m busy keeping us alive.”
Kiss Midnight Goodbye (Midnight Blue Beach Book 3) Page 9
