She went absolutely still again. She couldn’t breathe in she couldn’t do anything. Amy went to take her hand, but she flinched out of it.
There were doctors, nurses, and police. A steady stream of people, but she said nothing, she couldn’t. She couldn’t even begin to know where to start with it all.
PC Wilkes stood outside the little room where Suzy lay. She was alive. They needed her statement, and she needed to be told what happened afterwards.
She yawned. She hadn’t slept since it happened, it had been a long shift, one that involved a fuck tonne of paperwork. She wanted to go home, go to bed, and try to forget what she had seen, and a gun pointed at her. Suzy’s eyes stayed with her, the dead look in them. She had said it, ‘he’ll come for me’, and she had been right.
If Griffin hadn’t been nosing out of the window, she’d still be in that house. Wilkes shuddered. The sister was speaking to Suzy, and then nodded to Wilkes to come in.
Suzy looked at her with that same haunted look.
“You remember me?” Suzy nodded. The hand without the cannula fisted the sheet. “We need to take your statement. Are you up to that?” Suzy shook her head. “Ms Martin, has anyone told you what happened? After you were attacked.” Suzy shook her head again.
“He shot a police officer. I pulled you out the way when he fired, Sargeant Peters dived out of the way, but not before being hit. Rodin tried to run.
“There were armed officers with the response that came. Mr Rodin was shot and killed as he shot at police in a standoff at the end of the street.”
“What?” her throat was croaky and dry.
“He’s dead.” Suzy made a small noise, but restrained herself.
“The Sergeant?”
“He’s going to be fine. I’ll come back tomorrow, and take that statement, how’s that?”
Suzy only nodded. She felt light, she wanted to float away into nothing. She closed her eyes and clicked for morphine, and did just that.
The next day, Amy was with her again. Suzy tasted her mouth, it was deeply unpleasant and dry. Amy pressed the bed remote and sat Suzy up a little so she could help her take a little water.
“Suzy.” Her eyes said it all, the regret, the apology.
“Don’t. It’s okay.”
Amy nodded. The doctor came a little later and sat on the bench, dragging it round so he could look at her fully. Amy by her side. Suzy looked at the man, fortyish, slightly bald, but a strong face. He looked capable.
“Do you remember what happened?”
She nodded.
“You had two very deep wounds to your abdomen. You’ve probably noticed the bag attached to you. We had to repair your bowel, so while that heals, you have to have a stoma in place. A nurse will come and speak with you about it. We don’t want you to have it for long, it is a fairly simple procedure to undo, but the damage was extensive, your surgery lasted several hours, and was quite complex.
“Our care plan following your surgery is that you stay for two weeks while you recover, you’ve been here four days. You were in intensive care for two of them, and now you’re in a women only ward. At the end of the two weeks, we want to reassess you, and see how you’re doing, and then make a plan of action on when to remove your stoma. There was some further damage. The knife wounds were deep, and your uterus was perforated, your coil was disturbed and we think it caught in the knife, and caused further damage. You lost a lot of blood, and we did attempt to repair the wall of your uterus, but it was too badly damaged, and we couldn’t manage the bleeding. We were forced to perform a partial hysterectomy, you still have your cervix and ovaries, but we were forced to remove part of the uterus. You won’t be able to have children.”
There was a little more, but Suzy was tired, and she closed her eyes. Once she had been Suzy, messy complicated sexual capable Suzy, now she wasn’t. She was nothing, there was nothing. Not long ago she was missing Nathan, now that seemed such a slight thing.
Suzy woke to PC Wilkes and another woman, a detective sergeant arriving, the woman felt serious and proficient, under a tonne of pressure.
Suzy answered every question. The only point where she hesitated was at the vile things he said, a string of ugly words, things that she could still hear in her ears.
She might forget the horror in time, she might have the feeling of him near her fade, but she would never forget those words. Such hatred, such cruelty. She would have died, he would have killed her, for what? His entitlement?
She wasn’t ready for anger, she was still in shock.
Twelve. Who am I?
Nathan looked out of his parents’ concertina doors, the warm summer light of May made the cosy room bright and warm. Their ancient cat stretched turned and went back to sleep. He scratched its ear as he gazed out. Their two Labradors padded up to the doors, tails wagging. He opened them, grabbing his laptop, and when he stepped out onto the stone patio, they followed him.
The dogs settled nearby as he went to work. He had started his consultancy firm when he was in Edinburgh, and it was slowly picking up. He had done a handful of jobs that paid fairly well. He was doing okay. He used every contact he had, putting the word out. It was only him, his laptop and phone, so he had virtually no costs.
His parents were happy to have him home while he figured things out, and as a result, the only thing he had done with his redundancy was pay off his car, and invest a portion of it on the advice of his father. He was doing fine.
He didn’t feel fine. He was lonely. Having his family round him was nice but he found himself thinking more often than not about Cass and Suzy.
It was nearly Cass’s birthday. He hadn’t been to see her for too long, and he wanted to talk to her. He had done that a lot at first, when he could make himself go, he virtually camped there.
He looked back at the house. His parents had gone on holiday for three weeks, seeing as they had a house sitter. The house felt like the past, everywhere did. Memories of Cass in every room, every place he went, and though it was no longer painful, it meant he was going backwards.
He finished his work, and stripped off, he lay in the sun, and failed at not thinking of Suzy, she felt like the future, but not one he would have.
The next week, he drove inland, to the cemetery where Cass was. She had been cremated but a tree had been planted over her ashes.
It was a pretty green spot near the edge of the row of trees. Hers was a silver birch. She always liked their white bark.
He bought a small bunch of peonies, her favourite, and walked out through the endless rows of stone.
The day was fresh but warm, the sky was clear, it was a beautiful day. Perfect for Cass. He found her tree, the little granite plaque with her name on was a little overgrown, he pulled the grass away and lay the flowers down.
“You remember these? Just like the ones I bought you when we got married. They remind me of you when I see them.” He put his hands in his pockets, and looked at the tree, he could almost imagine her standing there, smiling at him.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been. I’m trying to move on, but I still love you. It’s different now though, it has to be. You’re not here, and I am. I met someone Cass. I never thought I would be able to love anyone again. But I do. You’d love her, you’d have such a laugh with her.
“But she doesn’t want me. You’d tell me to get over myself. I love her Cass. I miss her as much as I miss you.” He leant on the tree, and imagined her arms around him. She’d blow a raspberry on his neck just then to make him laugh. “I don’t know what to do. Tell me Cass, what do I do?”
Nathan closed his eyes.
“Nathan?” Nathan stood straight, blinking back his emotion as he turned.
Cass’s mum stood there, looking older, greyer, but looking like Cass.
“Mrs P.” Nathan smiled.
“Gladys, please, I’ve told you often enough. Look at you Nathan Maxwell.” She smiled, it was Cass’s smile. “You’re so different.” They looked at each other f
or a moment. She put her flowers next to his. She threaded her arm through his, and looked up at him.
“So different.” She shook her head. “Walk with me a little.”
They wandered in silence down the rounded path, and to bench that looked down onto the graves beyond.
Gladys sat down and Nathan next to her. His long limbs filled the bench.
“I remember when Cass brought you home for the first time, you were so skinny, Dave looked at me astonished. And quiet, you were so quiet.”
“To be fair Mrs P, Mr P terrified me. I thought he might kill me and bury me in the garden.”
She laughed. “He was so protective of her.” Gladys paused. “She used to talk to me you know, about you. I remember it, the first day of term. She went off with her brand new blazer and bag, and came home and said to me that she met a boy and was going to marry him. Just like that. I think I rolled my eyes at her. Teenagers, I thought, so over the top.
“Only you became her whole world. I was worried that she would limit herself by it. But you are such a good boy, man I should say. Even Dave liked you, even though he hated the idea of it. I was so proud of you both, of your commitment to each other, I’m glad you had that, that she had that in the end.”
“Me too. For a long time I kept thinking what I could have done, but I realised that she would have been ill like that no matter what, at least she was happy and loved for as long as she was, and I was privileged to be part of that. It helped me to let go of the pain a bit.”
Gladys nodded. “Sometimes I wish you’d had children, so she would have known that joy, but I think about them without their mother, and you a single father, and I’m glad you didn’t now. What about you, are you moving on? You should.”
“Trying to, not going so well.”
“Since Dave passed, I think about the past too much, it’s hard not to. It’s better since I sold the house. But I don’t cry all the time, I laugh now. I keep thinking about the funny things she used to do. When she was eight, she went through this phase of refusing to get in the bath, don’t ask me why, I have no idea.” Gladys smiled, and struggled to tell the story through giggling. “She was being a right little bugger, she was screaming and stark naked refusing to get in. Dave came in and picked her up to dump her in the bath, but she stuck her arms and legs out and set them on the sides of the bath.
“She was in a growth spurt and was all long arms and legs, and her body hadn’t quite caught up, she looked like a bloody daddy long legs, skating water.”
Gladys lost it, her cheeks were red as she laughed, Nathan joined her, he could see it.
“She held on for dear life, and Dave couldn’t pull her off, or dump her in.”
She wiped her eyes.
“And the time she got her period, do you remember?”
“It was Boxing Day, all your family were there, and she had on the snowman jumper and her new jeans. She got it in front of everyone. She screamed and screamed, and locked herself in the bathroom. Mr P had me up the wall and told me if I got her pregnant after this he’d castrate me, in front of twenty people.” Gladys howled.
“He had a way didn’t he?” her laughter became tears and Nathan put his arm around her.
They sat in the warming morning only listening to the rustle of leaves and the chirping of birds.
“Have you met anyone?”
Nathan pulled his arm back. “Is that something you really want to talk to me about?”
“Yes. Cass wouldn’t want you to be alone, I mean she’d be jealous as hell, but she’d want you to be happy.”
“I know. I have met someone, recently but she won’t have me.”
“Really? And look at you, you look like a different man.”
“I am I think. I’ve changed.”
“Grief does that. I accept that I’ll be alone, I have Andy, and his two, and they’ve been really good since Dave passed.”
“How old are they now?”
“Ollie is three and Mauve is eighteen months.”
“Time’s getting away from me. Do they count as my nephew and niece?”
“Of course, we’ll always be your family. Always. Now, come on, you can drop me, I have to take the bus these days.”
Nathan smiled. “Anything for you Mrs P.”
“Call me Gladys.”
“Yes Mrs P.”
She took one look at his car and laughed. “She’d have hated this thing you know.”
“I know.” He grinned. “I’d have bought it no matter what and we’d have argued about it for days.”
“You two were always bickering, like an old married couple, even then.”
“It was always part of the fun.”
They were quiet again as he drove Gladys to her new flat.
“Are you…happy’s not the right word, but…”
“I’m okay. It was worse in a way when Dave went. When Cass died, he was with me, and I with him, for all his gruffness, he was soft underneath. We helped each other. But I was so alone when Dave died. Andy is a good son, really, but he has his own family. I watch the kids though, four days a week since Hannah went back to work. It’s enough, for now. But I’m not decrepit quite yet.”
She hugged him in the car and got out. “It was good to see you Nathan.”
“You too Mrs P.”
Nathan didn’t go straight back to his parents’, he drove around the place where he grew up, and remembered. It was the past, it was who he was once. So much of his life had been defined by Cass, all the decisions he made were with her. What had he done on his own? Travelled the country, floated anchorless. That was who Cass had been, an anchor to something. Now he didn’t have that. Did he want an anchor? Ties? Responsibility? He did. Shit, he really did. He wanted Suzy.
Only she didn’t want him.
Suzy had a choice. It wasn’t one she particularly cared about, but she still had to make it. She looked in the mirror of her wardrobe. She’d lost a lot of weight, she it saw in the eyes of people, as they considered her, how thin she looked. Her tits had gone, her nice curves, and perky round arse, everything. Four months of doing nothing and eating fuck all will do that. It was the end of June, she still thought it was February, time had lost all meaning.
She tried on the grey suit, it was better fitting, but the skirt was too short.
She tried on the navy trousers. She had to put on a belt to hold them up, but it was close enough. She wore a loose silk blouse. It was a little warm again for sleeves. Fuck it, she didn’t want anyone to look at her anyway.
She left the discarded clothes on the floor and made herself go out the flat. She hovered at the lift, and debated taking the stairs. Stairs lift, stairs lift. She couldn’t choose.
She opened and closed her fists and went back inside. She hadn’t done her hair. She swore as she went back into her bedroom, then went back to the front door and double-checked it was locked. She did her hair, her hands shook as she tried for a bun, and settled for a ponytail.
It was fine. She didn’t wear makeup, and only little ballet pumps. She tried again. She hated leaving the flat, and this was the first time she had done this alone since she left hospital.
She focused her breath to each footstep, careful, considered, and aware. She had done this a thousand times, and there was no longer a bogeyman to get her. She was free, or alone, depending on how you looked at it.
She managed to get to her car, and she was already sweating. Once she did it, it would get easier she knew it would. She sat back in the seat, clicking the car lock. She let the rush of fear wash over her, it was a familiar feeling, she slept with it, and she ate with it. That gnawing sensation of someone right behind her. The whispered hate in her ear.
She started the car. Sometimes she could make herself angry, only then could she act, could she do anything other than be the weak piece of shit that she was. She drove into town; the normalcy of it grounded her. This was okay, she could do this. She drove around Chadford getting used to the world again, as she
still had an hour, and then rounded to Berkley House.
She sat in the carpark for a while. Unwilling to face the meeting she was about to have. Job or no job that was the question.
She climbed out and went upstairs. When the lift pinged open, a few people looked her way, a few whispered.
Jan, the secretary, greeted her first, and a few others went over, everyone was a bit awkward. She wasn’t Suzy accounts manager, she was Suzy who had that terrible thing happened to her. She knew they’d all gone out and bought any paper she was in. She knew they said, ‘hey I know her’ when it was on the news.
After a few polite hellos, and the same old bullshit, she followed Jan into the meeting room. She sat alone at the large table, while Jan fetched her a water. She thanked her politely. Mia eyed her through the glass.
Mia had been to see her a few times and came to the flat too, it was sweet. Suzy offered her a small smile, it was as much as she could manage
Mr Davis and Mr Townslee came in, she shook their hands, and braced for the meeting.
All told, it wasn’t that bad, they wanted her back, they were behind her, and Malcolm wasn’t cutting it as manager.
Davis looked at her like a curio.
“Are there any considerations that you might need?”
She frowned. “No Mr Davis, I’m fully recovered, thank you.”
She made herself appear normal, she could almost pass for it. She could feel Davis looking through her, and she was immobile, she was good at that.
“We’ll see you Monday then.”
“Thank you Mr Townslee, Mr Davis.”
She caught the hard mean stare of Malcolm, well she was in no mood to deal with his shit, she’d had enough of fucking lazy entitled bastards, and she’d tear off his balls if he tried anything with her. Fuck him.
Anger was good, Suzy liked anger, and she sent it straight to Malcolm. He looked away, too right bitch tits.
Suzy went home, and looked at her pit of a flat. She started to clean up, she had been a slob since she got home from hospital.
Saving Suzy (New city Series Book 2) Page 14
