She put her hand to her middle.
“I can’t.”
“Don’t think about what you can’t do, what could we have? I can be support, company, an ear, if you want to try for intimacy, let it be with me, not with that guy.”
“What guy?”
“At the club.”
“No, it wasn’t what you think. They’re gay, they were just helping be able to stand physical contact.”
Nathan frowned. “Oh.”
“Anyway, you’re not that hung up on me, you went there too, and I don’t want pity or guilt from you.”
“I went because of you. I overheard you with the fitness guy, about having a threesome.”
“Oh.” They just looked at each other.
“And, I don’t pity you, part of the reason I came back was for you, because I still love you, I hoped you still felt for me, but when I saw you, I wasn’t sure what to think, you were so cold. I do feel guilty, about how I treated you in the club, how I left you alone. I can’t stop thinking about what happened to you, what you went through, I can’t sleep because it, it’s killing me.”
She swallowed at how much he felt, he let the world see everything he felt. She was restrained. Her voice was small. “It wasn’t what he did so much, it was the things he said. We had a tussle when he got me in the house. He hit me a few times. He stripped me. He whispered in my ear and told me everything he was going to do.
“He knew all about you. He said when he was done with me, he might cut off a tit and send it to you. He asked me which one to cut off. He told me how he would ruin every hole in my body, one at a time. That when he was done, I wouldn’t remember my own name, I would just be…” she couldn’t bring herself to say anymore.
“I was going to be in that bed for days. If it wasn’t for his nosey neighbour I would have been raped to death, I have no doubt about it. He was just warming up, instilling the terror that would render me incapable. It worked. I did kickboxing so that I could defend myself, but I couldn’t form thoughts, I couldn’t move. Real fear makes you piss yourself, it renders the body devoid of who you are, you just react, and only then do you know yourself. I’m nothing. I watched him stab me. This great big long knife went right inside me, and I didn’t feel it. I watched my flesh part. He didn’t rape me, but at the same time, I feel like I was. Fucker crawled right under my skin and into my mind, and I cannot get him out.
“I’m so afraid, and yet I feel nothing, I can do things I wasn’t able to, but I retch going into a lift, for no reason. I keep looking for a way to expunge him, and I can’t.
“He took more than that from me.” She undid her trousers, and lifted up her shirt. He looked at the long scar that ran across her middle, and the star shaped one.
“This is where I had to shit into a bag.” She ran her hand along the mat of scars that formed one line. “This where I was stabbed, and the doctors put their hands into my body and cut out the torn bowel, where they moved my intestines aside, and had to perform a hysterectomy. He took away my dignity, my sexuality, he took away my definition as a woman.”
Nathan looked at the red thick line, his tears falling. Pain cut him. He didn’t stand, but rolled his chair closer to her, he put his hands on her hips, and rested the side of his face against her scar.
She made a noise and covered her mouth. She tried to be calm, to be strong, but she cried, as he did. His wet face on the cool skin of her belly, and they both cried, for what they had, and what had been taken away.
It was horrible, but knowing made it better for him. He could think again.
He took a deep breath when her hand went to his hair, they were quiet, until the door opened, and Jan halted.
“Oh God sorry.” Suzy screamed and did up her trousers. “I’ll come back later.”
Nathan looked at Suzy. “Let’s get out of here, and we can talk.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Fuck off, there is, and you know it. If when we’re done, you want nothing to do with me, fine, but you told me you still love me, and I still love you. I don’t want to let that go. Do you?”
She hesitated, then shook her head.
“Where shall we go?” he walked with her to her car.
“Mine, I'm not asking for anything, I just need to be home. I need to be safe.”
“I understand. Suzy, you are safe with me, I swear to you. I will never hurt you.”
She nearly smiled and got into her car.
Nathan’s heart pounded as he followed her car, Townslee had already indicated he wanted him to stay, he’d take the job, and accept her resignation. He would support her with whatever she needed, and not being her boss would make it easier. He began to plan, think of options. He began to hope.
The flat was warm with the late sun, and she opened some wine as she kicked her shoes off.
“You hungry?”
“Let’s order in.” She nodded and they ordered some Chinese. They sat down when she was changed into slouchy clothes.
Suzy felt it, the chemistry they had shared, it was subdued but she felt calm, she felt that odd magnetised sensation of being close to him. They had tested it once. They stood next to each other, only inches apart seeing how long they could stand not touching. Not long as it turned out.
She shifted a little closer. “Nathan, will you, um, hold me?”
His arm shifted behind her and she leant into his solid safety. Her whole body relaxed. He held her close, his head resting on hers. She told him about Amy, about her dad. About therapy, about her new job. About wanting to help other women, her ideas.
She talked while they ate, he occasionally asked her questions, and once she started, she couldn’t stop. She told him about her nightmares, how she didn’t sleep. How the things he said haunted her. How she couldn’t come anymore, she had tried and failed.
She petered out, her voice was hoarse.
“I can’t wank either, if it makes you feel better.”
“Why?” it felt strange, as if they had never been apart, but like a brand new relationship at the same time.
“Well, I did, I mean we had a lot of sex, and to go from that to nothing, well, it became a daily routine, but when I found out…I couldn’t. So you don’t have to worry about me being horny.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, I was doing it too much anyway.”
“I’ve missed this. How easy things were between us.”
“Only now, we don’t have a timer.”
“Don’t we?”
“If I let him know I’m interested, Townslee will ask me to stay on.”
“Will he be angry with me for leaving? I have to go, you know that.”
“If we want to see what we are to each other now, then yes. It sounds like it’ll be good for you. I’m here for as long as you want me to be. I’ll give you whatever you want.”
“I want to sleep.”
“I’ll leave you in peace then.”
“Stay, just sleep here, maybe I will if I’m not alone.”
He nodded. He undressed and got into bed, he wore his boxer briefs though. She came to bed in a short thin nightie. She cuddled up to him. His dick perked up at the contact.
“Huh. Thank fuck for that, it still works.” She really laughed for the first time in months. “I’m sorry, but you’re all right, I’m…”
“It’s fine. I don’t expect you to want me.”
“I do want you, I do. I love you, my beautiful Suzy. But just because I want you, doesn’t mean I’m asking for anything. Let’s go to sleep.” He kissed her forehead, and Suzy fell asleep, snuggled into his arms, not caring it was too warm to snuggle, she had been cold for months, it was good to be hot.
Sixteen. Not quite into the sunset
Nathan woke at six. He silenced his phone and Suzy snuggled into him. He breathed in relief. He knew it wouldn’t be perfect, that it might take months for her to come to terms with it all, shit it might be years. He didn’t care, she was more impor
tant than sex. His dick, at that moment didn’t agree with him. One extreme to the other.
Her mouth pressed into his chest and she groaned.
“Morning gorgeous.”
She grunted and looked up at him, he smiled down on her. “Hey…dimples.”
He laughed, and squeezed her. “I have to go. I need to have a shower, get changed.”
“Where are you staying? Shit Nathan, I haven’t asked you anything. I’m a selfish horrible person.”
“Nah, you are fucking spectacular.” She laughed and stretched, she brushed his cock.
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m in a hotel. I really have to go.”
“Will you stay tonight?”
“Yes, I’ll bring some stuff then, so I don’t have to dash off.” He gently kissed her lips, only briefly, and left.
Nathan tried not to look at her too much at the office, but he was filled with relief, and a weight gone from him. He rang Townslee, and they had a long talk about his future, and Suzy. Nathan had a feeling that Townslee had known about the two of them, as he didn’t seem particularly surprised. Nathan nodded at Suzy in the kitchen.
“It’s fine.” She smiled and thanked him. Poppy came in.
She smiled at Suzy who gave her a dry look. “Does she know?” he asked when she had gone.
Suzy passed him the coffee she made him. “She guesses. She fancies you, but she likes me too much.”
“Um, you know I never…”
“I know.” She smiled, it was Suzy’s big warm smile, laughter in her eyes, the look that made him think there was a dirty thought lingering there behind it. It made his stomach dip, he missed that smile so much.
They worked late and went home together, they picked up some food on the way, and he cooked for her. She sat at the island and watched him. He had changed into a t-shirt and shorts, it was a hotter day, and they ate on the balcony.
She asked him to tell her everything that he had done since January. He told her about the redundancy, his business. Seeing Cass’s mum.
She wondered what kind of future they would have, if any. She shook off the thought, it was for another time.
“Do you still sunbathe?”
He was stretched out in the chair, face turned up to the sun. “Yes, but not here, I can’t really do that at the hotel.”
“I’ll clean up, you can sunbathe here if you want. I don’t mind.”
“That’s a tempting thought, my skin is starting to dry out again, it gets worse with stress.”
She found her sunscreen out that she had bought for her handbag, and she left him to undress. She washed up, cleaned the kitchen, tidied the bathroom, shit, anything she could think of, while he was out there, nude. Nude.
She couldn’t help it, she looked through the window at him. He was sprawled out, his long muscular legs stretched forward, eyes closed.
Old Suzy would have just gone out there and sucked his cock. The hairs rose on her arms. Could she do that? Not yet, but the familiar throb of her clit made her think that she might have it in her.
Nathan was only out there for half an hour. He pulled his bottoms back on.
“Do you mind if I shower?”
“No. Go ahead.” Her eyes went all over his body, her cheeks pinked. She was a little turned on. That was good, wasn’t it?
He was turned on too. Being out there, he imagined her sucking him off, making him come on the balcony.
He stepped into the shower, knowing it wouldn’t take much.
He sucked in a breath as he stroked himself, he imagined it was her hands on him, he loved the way she did that, how she cupped him, and massaged his balls.
He couldn’t help the noise he made, he was so close already. He braced a hand on the tiles, he let his head fall back into the water.
Suzy hovered near the door, and she knocked quietly with her heart in her mouth. She wanted to see him, she needed to look at him. She tried the door, he hadn’t locked it, he never did.
She walked in on him wanking in the shower, the glass screen not hiding anything, and he was glorious. She gasped as she saw him, he opened his eyes, horrified, and turned. “Shit, I’m so sorry.”
She couldn’t speak, her eyes went to his dimples.
“Do you want me to leave?” he panicked in her silence.
“No!” it was too loud and strangled. “I thought you couldn’t.”
“So did I, I’m really sorry.”
“Don’t be, I’m sorry, I don’t what came over me, I just.... Are you thinking of me?”
“Yes.” The sexual part of Suzy was beating on her ribs from the inside, she took what she wanted, and she controlled the things she couldn’t with sex. She wanted that again. Fuck it, she wanted him, she wanted it so much.
“I want to look at you.” Her mouth was dry.
He turned. His eyes glanced down. She was only wearing a vest and thin pyjama shorts, her nipples went hard.
“Let me watch you.”
Nathan wondered if this was wise. She needed to reclaim who she was, she needed to fight whatever was in her mind, she wanted him, but she wasn’t ready. Small steps. Her being okay with a man, with masculinity was a good first step. She needed to see his control.
He stroked himself a few times, feeling awkward.
“What were you thinking about that made you need to come?”
“You, coming to me outside, sucking my cock, making me come.”
“I had the same thought.” He moaned and closed his eyes. She pressed her legs together, she wanted to join him as she perched on the end of the bath. “Old me, right now would be making you watch me take my clothes off, I’d climb in the shower with you, I’d get down on my knees and take you into my mouth.”
“I miss your blow jobs, the feel of your tongue, how you’d take me deep, how you suck so hard, it was as tight as being inside you.”
“I’d pull on your balls, feel all round you.”
He made a little noise, he was close, she could tell.
“I miss the taste of you in my mouth, knowing I’d made you come.”
“Oh fuck.” She watched him come as her body pulsed in arousal, she saw the thick spurts of it wash away into the water.
He was panting and crimson when he looked at her. She smiled, and he laughed.
“I’m so embarrassed.”
“I’m really sorry I walked in on you, I don’t know what came over me, I just wanted to look at you.”
“Don’t be, if you need anything from me, it’s yours to take.”
She nodded. There was one thing she thought of. It had been growing in her mind.
“Come to bed, there’s something I want to try.”
He quickly washed, and she watched him the whole time, it made him hard again. She wrapped him in a towel, patting his skin dry.
“Can I kiss you?”
She nodded, he lowered his mouth, and they kissed, warm and loving, it was slow, her tongue went into his mouth and his steady rhythm soothed her want, it was enough just then.
He pulled back, and dried off. He let himself be led by her.
She pulled off her top, but kept the vest over her front. She lay face down on the bed.
Her breaths became shallow, but quick.
“Suzy?”
“Straddle my thighs.”
“No.” Something about it was off, he remembered what she told him about that night.
“Please. Do this for me.” He nodded at the plea in her eyes when she turned her head to him. He pulled on his bottoms again, and gently sat across the tops of her legs. She went rigid.
“What do you want me to do?”
“Run your hand up and down my back.”
His warm palm moved up and down her back, she took slow deep breaths. Zach’s fingers had lightly skimmed her, then they had bitten into her, but Nathan had an easy loving rhythm. He felt her begin to relax.
He understood it. She had said the worst thing was what he had said. Nathan leant over her, h
e smoothed her hair to the side and kissed it.
“I love you, my beautiful clever Suzy. You’re safe here, I will always give you what you ask, I will always support you, I will always keep you safe.
“He’s gone, I’m here, all I want is you to be happy. When you’re ready, and only when you want me so much that you can’t stand it, we’ll make love, and I will do anything you want to make you come. I’ll be yours, however you want me, I’ll live to give you all the pleasure you can stand. I’m looking forward to the day when you want to tie me up again, and make me yours. I’m going to worship your body. I’m going to love you for the rest of my life.
“When we’re ready, we’ll do all the things that couples do, we’ll move in together, we’ll get married, and if you want children with me, we have options. We can adopt, or foster, and if having our baby is important to you, we can look into surrogacy. But if it’s not that important and we just end up with dogs and cats, then that’s okay. We have nieces and nephews aplenty between us. I’m in this with you for as long as you want me, whatever it takes.”
She was sobbing, he shifted and pulled her into his arms. He held tight until her tears stopped, and she fell asleep.
He lay with her like that for a while, knowing he meant every word.
Suzy slept. A deep easy sleep. She woke in the morning, still in Nathan’s arms. She looked at him, mouth open, one arm flung up, slight catch at the back of his throat. He looked adorable.
It wasn’t six, but it was early when they came to bed.
She took a deep breath, he was incredible. He had known exactly what to say to her. She didn’t feel quite as ruined, she still felt Nathan’s hands on her back, his whispered words were with her.
She kissed his chest, the skin still smooth from his waxing. Soon it would prickle with hair, she liked all the stages of his wax and growth. She ran her hand over his body, she felt his abs. He moaned and shifted. She thought of him in the shower last night.
Maybe she was more ready than she thought she would be. She wanted him. She sat up. Fuck, she did.
“What?” his sleepy voice was deeper and sexy. She smiled as he cracked a lid. “It is too early.”
Saving Suzy (New city Series Book 2) Page 18
