by A M Heath
Was I hoping he’d see me through these Christmas challenges? Or did I only want him happy and whole? Remembering Sanford’s kiss and that indescribable look in his eyes made answering that question nearly impossible. I might have started out only desiring him to be healed, but I desired much more now. And for a brief moment, it had even seemed possible. But now? Time was ticking, and my Scrooge was even more distant than ever.
Despite the heavenly scents in the air, I sank into a chair. “I don’t think this is working.”
Ms. Carol paused her hands to send me a frown. “Give it time, dear. We still have the Ghost of Christmas Future. Scrooge didn’t change until he met him, remember.”
I snorted. “He hates me most of all. I don’t think it’ll make a difference.”
She sighed. “Scrooge was afraid of the Ghost of Christmas Future most of all, and I think Sanford is the same way. I don’t think he hates you. I think he’s afraid of you.”
I slid lower into the chair and covered my face with one hand and groaned. “I’m the least frightening person here. Even Mia is more intimidating than I am.” I wagged my head. “He’s not afraid of me. He’s still angry at me, and it wasn’t even my fault. I tried to help him, but … when it turned out that I was right about Kelly, casting me as a hero was the last thing on his mind.”
Ms. Carol eased into the chair beside me and gripped my arm. “No, Natalie,” she whispered. “Kelly hurt him so deeply because he loved her so deeply. He doesn’t ever want to hurt again.” She sent me a pointed look. “He’s afraid of you.”
My eyes burned with unshed tears. “It doesn’t matter. If he won’t forgive her, me, or himself, it doesn’t matter. He’ll never change, and he’ll go on hating me in the process.”
She patted my arm and rose from the table. “Just give him more time. The only reason Scrooge changed overnight is because he’s a fictional character. The Lord can work that quickly but often chooses not to, so we shouldn’t lose heart when He decides to take His time.”
I nodded along, but inside all I could do was pray for this man that I cared for.
“Have your feelings changed?”
I tilted my head in question.
“Do you still care for Sanford?”
“Of course.”
“No, Natalie,” she said with a pointed look, “do you still care for him?”
The blood drained from my face.
She sent me a soft smile and reached for my hand. “He cares, Natalie, but he’s hurting and he’s scared. Just give him time. We’ll show him the way.”
I struggled to swallow, a prayer hovering in my heart unuttered.
Sanford:
“How was the game?”
Could a man not have a corner for peace in this world? The few hours I had at home each night didn’t seem to be doing me enough good. Between Kelly’s swelling middle and the strange spark from Natalie’s kiss, I didn’t find much peace when I laid down to sleep.
I whirled to face Viola. “We lost. Two points.”
She eyed me. “Why do I get the feeling there’s more to this story?”
“Because there is. Tons more. More than you have time to hear. More than you’d ever want to hear.”
Viola’s eyes went wide. “Honey, what in the world happened?”
Then I did it. I did the very thing I promised I wouldn’t, I told her the whole story. Natalie, Kelly, pregnant Kelly, … well, I kept kissing Natalie my own secret. It had nothing to do with anything. Nothing to do with the game, anyhow.
“They think I’m bitter, but I’m not.”
Viola sighed as she lowered herself into the extra office chair. I had sprung the story on her so fast, she hadn’t moved an inch since I started talking and only just now began. “And why do they think that?”
I cut her a glance. “You ought to know; you’re one of them.”
“Fine. You want to know why I think you’re bitter?”
I shrugged and leaned against the back of the chair, arms folded over my chest.
“I think it because I’ve been there. I know the warning signs.” She fingered a pen strewn on the desk. “I don’t talk about it much, but my first husband left me for another woman.”
My stomach pinched. “I’m sorry,” I muttered. At least I hadn’t married Kelly. My hands fisted. “You didn’t deserve that.”
She wagged her head, locking gray eyes onto me. “And neither did you. But deserve it or not, it happened.”
I clenched my jaw and leveled my stare. “And you just got over it like that?”
“Oh, no,” she said with a mirthless laugh. “I did what you’re doing now. I tried to get even.”
I reared back. “I’m not trying to get even.”
A single brow lifted. “When you refuse to forgive them, in your heart you’re inflicting punishment on them.” I started to protest, but she held a hand up. “No, hear me out.”
Settling back into my chair, I waited.
“We had only been married two years when Bob ran out on me. I was pregnant with our first child. We were right smack in the middle of the honeymoon stage, or at least I thought we were. I had no warning. No clue. He didn’t work late. I was completely blindsided when he came home, packed his stuff, and walked out.”
With panting breaths, I listened, but my muscles refused to uncoil, and, with every word, my desire to meet this Bob grew more and more.
“I went ballistic. Even his mother was angry with him. I hated him for what he did to me, our son, and the future he had promised me.”
“As you should be. What he did was wrong.”
She waved me back, and, once again, I forced my body against the chair. “But it didn’t matter, you see. I was angry and hurt. And that’s normal. I’m not saying it’s not. But I never really let go of my anger.” She started, then stopped, and cocked her head at me. “Was I wrong to be angry?”
“No. He had wronged you. You were the victim here. I mean, unless you weren’t. Were you already cheating on him or something?”
She scoffed and wagged her head. “No. I was the victim. We didn’t fight all that often. He just … saw something he wanted more than me. So he went after it and left me and Jeffery in the process.”
I leaned forward, pulling in a deep breath and letting it out through my nose. With my elbow on the desk, I propped my head up in my hand, my fist covering my mouth from railing at the man on her behalf.
“I knew I was the victim. I knew I had the right to be angry. I knew he was wrong. And I knew he deserved to be punished for his wrongdoings. But he didn’t look punished to me. When he left, he looked happy. He didn’t mind only seeing Jeffery every other weekend. He didn’t mind not seeing me. He didn’t seem to mind paying child support, or going to court, or anything else we had to do. Despite it all, he still seemed happy with the decisions he made.
“But I wasn’t. And the happier he looked, the madder it made me. He didn’t deserve to be happy. I did. He deserved to ache the way I ached. He deserved to worry about the future like I had to. He deserved to feel ashamed, lost, and confused just like me, because he caused this pain, and it wasn’t right that he didn’t feel it too.
“So in my heart, I made him pay. I didn’t release his debt. I didn’t forgive him. I hated him. And I hated that he moved on when I couldn’t.”
I rolled both lips between my teeth and held them there. Her words struck hard, leaving nothing untouched, nothing unscathed, nothing unbroken. I hated that she understood me so well. And I hated even more that she walked the path that brought her this understanding.
Viola exhaled. “Everyone preached on forgiveness back then. There didn’t seem to be a sermon that went by where it wasn’t brought up. I knew all the verses. I knew all the references. I even understood why it was important. But they just didn’t understand what I had been through. They just didn’t know how unfair Bob had treated me. I was pregnant with his child when he left. He didn’t have to marry me at all if he didn’t mean it! He had
pursued me!”
She wagged her head. “But it didn’t matter. I thought it did. I even told my pastor that one Sunday. I asked him how was I supposed to forgive Bob for what he had done when I was in the right. I had the right to be angry over this wrongdoing. And I’ll never forget what Brother Eddie said to me. He said that I also had the right to take this anger and hand it over to Christ. He said that there’s a season when the pain is inflicted when it’s normal and right to feel anger. But if we never hand that anger over, if we cuddle it and pet it and keep it, then the anger turns into a master. Like a stray animal, we take it in for one night and before you know it, it refuses to leave.”
“But I have forgiven her.”
Viola cocked her head to the side again and studied me. “Have you really?”
I nodded. I had. I knew what the Bible taught. I knew forgiveness was something that I had to extend in order to receive. It didn’t seem fair, but I had done it years ago.
“Let me ask you this. What’s her name?”
My heart stopped and I glared at her.
“Who left you?”
I worked my jaw.
She perked up both brows, still waiting for the answer I didn’t want to offer.
“Kelly,” I ground out.
“If you have forgiven her, then why does saying her name pain you so much?”
Scratching at my beard, I shrugged.
She reached over and placed a hand on my knee. “Because you haven’t really forgiven her. On the surface, maybe. But deep down where it counts, you haven’t.”
Viola settled back into her chair and snatched up the pen, fumbling it between her fingers. “When he first told me that I had to forgive, I went home and prayed and released Bob. But months later, I ran into him at the store with some gorgeous woman at his side. It made me sick inside. Here I was, pushing a little boy in a cart with a sticky face. My hair was a mess. My clothes were wrinkled because it was supposed to be one of those quick runs where you didn’t see anyone you knew. I should have known better. But still. I wasn’t expecting him. The man I thought I had forgiven, I realized I hadn’t even begun. The moment I saw him, I fled. I turned that buggy around and zoomed out of there. Not out of the store because Jeffery still needed diapers, but I flew to the other end of the store, praying he wouldn’t see me.
“Seeing him that day exposed how I really felt. As long as Bob wasn’t around, or as long as I didn’t think of him, it seemed like I had finally forgiven him. But when I came face to face with him, I wanted to hurt him.”
I turned my gaze away when I noticed the glistening in her eyes.
“I remember the way I gripped the steering wheel on the way home that day. I remember how my jaws ached from clenching them so tight.”
Instinctively, I loosened my own tight jaws.
“In the months that followed, I started hearing these rumors about him and his new woman. I thought she looked different, but I didn’t stop to think of it at the time. But she’s not the woman he left me for. Rumors of how he went from bed to bed both made me sick yet thrilled me, if I were being honest.”
There was an edge to her voice she normally didn’t have, and I cut my eyes to her.
“People were whispering behind his back. He was ruining his own reputation.” Viola met my gaze full on. The connection stole my breath. “I had waited for two years to see him fall, and it was now starting to happen. And I loved it. People would flock to me to tell me how they sympathized with me over the way Bob had treated me, and they would share the latest news they had on him, adding more muck and dirt to his pile each time. The man he became wasn’t the man I had married, and I gloried in everyone else finally seeing the destructive path he was creating. His sins weren’t hidden anymore. And I felt somewhat justified in that.
“Sanford, I craved every shocking detail, like it was one more stone to throw at him. Only, I didn’t realize it at the time, but those stones were burying me as well.”
Viola tossed the pen on the desk and it bounced, sliding close to my arm.
“Another year of this went on, and I didn’t feel any closer to being truly justified. He was a wreck. Alcohol addiction was beginning to emerge, and he spent less and less time with Jeffery. But still, there wasn’t anything bad enough to finally rid me of my need for vengeance. Every time I read those verses on forgiveness, I knew I had done that and checked it off my list. But I didn’t feel any better. I still felt weighed down by Bob and all that he had become. I heard a sermon on mercy and my heart constricted, knowing that I could show mercy to many people but never to him. And that’s when God revealed to me the truth of my own heart. I had never forgiven him.
“I thought forgiveness was a prayer. A request. Like bestowing an award or certificate to someone. I said it. I signed off on it in my heart. I brushed it aside. Once it was done, it was done for good. But ‘he who conceals his hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool.’” She gave a deep sigh and forged ahead. “I’ll never forget the night I read that verse in Proverbs. It was like the light came on for the first time. It wasn’t like the flickering light of a match but the bright stadium lights.
“I thought I had forgiven him, but inside my heart was seething. I hated that man, despite saying that I forgave him. I still wanted to see him fall. I still wanted to see him pay. I still really, really wanted him to hurt … because I was still hurting.”
Viola drummed her fingers on the desk and pulled in a controlled breath. All I could do was watch. Hurt. Pain. I understood it. I still wanted to see Kelly fall. I didn’t want her to move on to a happier marriage, because she still owed me for the one she had taken away from me. She hadn’t paid off her debt to me yet, and I couldn’t let her off the hook quite so easily until she did. She deserved to be rotting in debtor’s prison until she could pay for the damage she had done.
“What is her price? Is there a price high enough to satisfy you?”
The thought echoed deep in my heart. There was no price high enough. My pain was deep, and she couldn't begin to repay that kind of damage or to give me back the years she had wasted.
“It was then that I remembered what Brother Eddie was trying to tell me that day. He said I had the right to hand my anger over to the Lord. I had the right, and the ability as a Christian, to hand over my need for justice to a just and holy God. But I’m not going to lie to you, Sanford, I hesitated. It didn’t look like God was all that fast to enact judgment on Bob. But I learned two things:
“One, I’m not capable of doling out judgment. As much as I tried to keep him in the naughty corner in my mind, Bob was living free and doing what he wanted. The longer I kept him locked up and chained to his guilt, the longer I kept myself chained.
“And two, I learned the meaning of the word grace. There’s a reason the Bible teaches us to forgive others. It’s because we’re just as guilty. You and I may not have broken up families like our exes have, but we’ve sinned against a holy God all the same. Their sins aren’t any worse than ours. Our sins were still enough to see Jesus nailed to the cross. And if even our sins could require the death of a sinless God, then who are we to withhold forgiveness to a fellow sinner? Honey, it’s prideful to think that her sins against you are greater than your sins against Christ.”
Her words drove deep, like catching a basketball in the gut without warning. Oh, Lord, what have I done?
“Has Kelly done wrong by you? Yes, yes, she has. But the time for shock and anger has passed. The time for forgiveness has come. And the longer you put it off, the longer you yourself will pay the penalty you’re forcing on her. She will never repay you. She will only answer to God for what she has done, just as you will.”
She rose from the chair and started for the door, leaving a heavy conviction in her wake.
“But how?” I croaked. “If saying a prayer isn’t enough, then how?”
Viola pivoted. “I wouldn’t say that prayer isn’t enough. But we expect to say a few words and walk away. T
he problem is deeper than that.” She came closer, setting her hands on the back of the chair she had vacated. “It starts by getting honest. With yourself and with God. If you still want her to hurt, I would tell Him that. I’ve learned that our God is big enough for our honest pain. He’s big enough for our dirty confessions.”
She licked her lips and blew out a breath. “For me, I had to start with the truth. I didn’t really want to forgive him. I knew I had to, so I thought I did. But I didn’t really, truly want to at all. I still felt justified by my anger. So I started there. I prayed for the Lord to give me a heart to even want to forgive him in the first place. I also started by asking God to remind me of my own sins.”
With a shake of her head, she added, “When you spend some time recalling your own sins, you don’t feel so strongly about pointing at others. It ushers in humility, and with humility comes the desire to bestow mercy, because you’re suddenly aware of how much you still need it.
“But in time, after praying daily for the desire to want to forgive him, I found myself praying for the ability to forgive. And contrary to what people would have you believe, oftentimes the act of forgiveness is a moment by moment affair. There is an initial moment of surrender, but there are also several moments of prayer and surrender. I still had to pray for the heart to forgive when I accidentally bumped into him again. Or when I saw him at Jeffery’s school program with another woman. Those moments will sneak up on you, but you’ll be better able to handle it if you’ve spent time learning to forgive them on a deeper level. Brushing the pain and the problem aside doesn’t lead to forgiveness; it only leads to a festered wound.”
She was about to leave again, and I had plenty to think about myself, but I had to know. “Whatever happened to Bob?”
She gave me a soft smile. “He struggled for years. But so did I, as you now know. I met Roger a couple of years later, which was good since I wasn’t in the shape to love and trust anyone else for a while. But we married, and he helped raise Jeffery and our other two boys. By the time Bob’s problems with alcohol escalated even further, I was in the habit of praying for him, and led the charge in praying for that man. It wasn’t easy. It was ugly at times. Bob gave his life to the Lord about four years ago, and he’s been sober for five. He’s settled and married to a good woman. And I can honestly say that I’m happy for him.”
