by Penny Jordan
* * *
It was a sleepless night and not just because he had to walk Androu twice. Theo’s mind wouldn’t stop so he was grateful to have a reason to pace. The boy’s warm weight on his arm was oddly comforting as he patted his little back to soothe him.
Jaya had to show him how, of course, demonstrating on Zephyr. “He might be with me, but it’s still a strange place,” she whispered in explanation of the boy’s restlessness. She settled him with expert swiftness and disappeared into her room.
He dragged his eyes off the way her hotel-issued robe draped the curve of her hips and showcased her slender calves. No man in her life and whose fault was that? His. He’d taken a chance with unprotected sex because he’d been anxious to lose himself and his problems in an orgasm.
Which wasn’t entirely true. As he stared across the twinkling lights of Marseille to the dark expanse of the Med, he allowed that Jaya had never been like the other women he pursued. She was special. His need that night had been as much about a desire to be with her as it had been to escape his emotional turmoil. Her announcement she was leaving Bali had lit a torch of panic in him. He’d needed, quite literally, to hold onto her.
Maybe some primitive part of him had even been seeking the permanent connection of a blood tie. As much as he’d like to dismiss his failing to protect her as a state of crisis and thoughtlessness, he’d never neglected a condom in his life. He always thought ahead to consequences. Fear of a beating had predisposed him to it.
So he couldn’t pretend he’d simply been carried away. He’d made a conscious decision to take a risk.
Creating a child without due care and attention seemed like the kind of enormous mistake he ought to be punished severely for. His body was reacting with the same tense anticipation of hell he’d grown up trying to ignore. The clogged chest, clogged throat and anxiety ought to be far behind him, but he could hardly breathe. Sleep had never been a safe escape. Voices could rise in the next room, furniture could topple. Babies could wake and nightmares became real.
The troubling memories kept him tossing and turning even after Androu settled. Then Evie woke like a five alarm fire, jarring him and making his heart pound.
No male voice shouted, though. No impossible demands were made of children barely old enough to reach a toaster. Jaya worked her magic and scooped up the sad little girl, murmuring reassurances.
Androu wasn’t happy about being woken from a sound sleep, but Jaya distracted him with a bottle then cuddled the pair into a nest of pillows and blankets on the floor in the lounge, a cartoon of sleepy baby animals flickering at low volume on the television.
“Maybe they’ll fall back asleep. Listen for Zephyr while I have a quick shower?”
He was used to starting his day shortchanged on sleep because of a time zone shift, but he’d barely slept and it wasn’t even six o’clock yet. No wonder new parents were so irritable.
A few minutes later, as he searched out the coffee in the kitchen, he heard a cry. It wasn’t from either of the toddlers. As he moved into the hall, the unhappy sounds grew louder. Pushing into Jaya’s room, he found Zephyr sitting up in his cot with big tears on his cheeks, eyes wide and lost.
It’s not a test, Jaya had said, but it was. Not just of his fatherly instincts, of which he had none, but of his ability to keep his emotional blocks from damaging this baby.
Therefore, inadequate as he felt, he couldn’t leave the tyke wet and scared to wait for his mother just because she knew how to reassure with affection and he didn’t.
At least a diaper change was his first priority. Funny how that seemed like a reprieve from more demanding tasks. Surprisingly, he nailed it in one go. Even got the kid back into his jammies without misaligning any snaps.
Zephyr seemed to want to keep his blanket with him, so Theo wrapped it around the boy’s tiny body and snugged him closer to the warmth of his own chest, concerned that the air conditioning was set too low in the lounge.
Whether it was the warmth of his body or he was still sleepy, he seemed content enough to be carried into the lounge.
The older babies had both dropped off and Theo found himself standing over them, Zephyr’s silky hair under his chin smelling familiar even though it wasn’t anything he really knew.
Babies were unwieldy responsibilities that were so great, they were to be run from, far and fast. That’s what he’d believed and it was true, if you were five.
He was an adult, though, perfectly capable of things like changing a diaper and making a proper meal and laundering clothes. Fearing the responsibilities of fatherhood was irrational. Millions did it every day and no one would hold him accountable with a beating if he missed getting a bit of food out of a kid’s hair during a bath.
Nevertheless, after his talk with Jaya last night, his terror at taking on the role of a father was worse, not better. He knew why, too. He still feared failing, but not because of the threat of violence. He couldn’t stand the idea of disappointing Jaya.
* * *
Jaya came out of her bathroom to find Zephyr’s cot empty and rushed out to the main room where she found Theo cradling their son like he’d been doing it all his life.
Her blood thickened to such sweet molasses, she couldn’t move. Her limbs ached and felt weak.
She must have gasped because he glanced up and touched a finger to his lips, then tilted his head to see into Zephyr’s tranquil face. In slow motion, like he was handling a chemical bomb, he tucked Zephyr next to his sleeping cousins on the floor and drew their blanket over him.
She was done. Finished. Melted into a puddle on the floor that housekeeping would have to mop up and wring out of the strings.
He added a final blow by fetching his phone off the dining table and snapping a picture of the children piled together like a litter of kittens.
Removing the hand she’d pressed to her mouth, she accused in a whisper, “You’re sentimental.”
He shrugged, striding toward the kitchenette where he set his phone on the table and began making coffee. “We’re not likely to catch them all together like that again, are we? Not all asleep.”
The breath she took was coated in powdered glass. “I thought about sending the photo from last night to your sister, but you haven’t told her, have you? Will you?”
He slowed his movements. “Since she’s my boss and it starts with explaining that I slept with an employee—”
“Not technically.”
He kicked up a brow, unimpressed with the fine line. “Still not the best example.” He pushed the button that started the espresso maker. “And I’m still wrapping my head around it. I’d rather keep things simple until I know how we’re going to proceed.”
She tried to hide her disappointment, then thought, Why should I?
“That’s not really fair to Zephyr, is it? I mean, they’re his cousins.” She waved at the bumps under the blanket. “My relationship with Saranya was the most important of my life.” Not an understatement. “We grew up together and when I needed her, she was there. You don’t just call a cousin out of the blue when your life implodes. Not unless you’ve been close all along.”
She braced against his asking her how her life had imploded, but he only folded his arms and hitched a hip against the counter.
“I didn’t think of it like that. I keep thinking how much they’re like us. The age mix is different, of course. I’m barely a year younger than Adara and Demitri is almost four years younger than me, but we were only a few years older than Evie and practically left to raise ourselves. Adara was all I had for a mother figure and she was looking after Demitri. I guess some part of me thought it was too much to ask of Evie and Androu to take on Zephyr, but they have functioning parents.”
“So does he,” she reminded, wishing she could be amused by his almost naïve misreading of the situation, but it
was so tragic. “Is that why Adara always seems so...” She searched for the right word to describe her former boss that wouldn’t insult the whole family. “I always thought you and she seemed very introspective.”
He snorted. “You mean aloof? Distant? Cold? I’ve been called worse and yeah, we’re not the most demonstrative family, but Adara did the best she could. I can’t fault her. I’d do anything for her.”
Ignoring the pang of jealousy that struck, she listened deeper, hearing exactly how far he was willing to go on his sister’s behalf.
“Did you step in to protect her from your father?” Part of her knew she shouldn’t ask. She didn’t want to open up her own wounds and show them off so she couldn’t expect him to, but her heart ached for the boy he’d been.
He flinched and turned away to set a tiny cup on a silver saucer. “Not that it did much good. She still caught her share. Demitri was the one we worried about. He was so little.”
“Oh, Theo. And you think you’re not cut out to be a father?”
“Have you seen how Demitri turned out? If that’s my work, I’d be scared. The man’s a menace.” He offered her the first coffee.
“You have that one. I like mine with steamed milk.” She stepped into place before the machine and filled the receptacles. “And yes, I have met your brother. Thank goodness for the repellant that is the Makricosta uniform because we all would have been pregnant. He’s very adept with the ladies.”
“Were you attracted to him?” His sharp gaze made her very aware of her nakedness under the robe she’d pulled on when she’d realized Zephyr had been stolen from his cot.
“I can’t deny he’s good-looking, but no, not really attracted.” Not the same way I’m attracted to you. She pretended that the spurt of coffee and steamed milk required close attention, using it to hide the betraying longing she shouldn’t be feeling toward him.
“A year and a half ago you weren’t dating because your career was too important. Now Zephyr’s in the way, isn’t he?”
“I wouldn’t put it like that, but he’s definitely a factor. I’m not about to introduce a string of men into his life. So yes, between him and what’s been going on at home and starting my new job I haven’t had time to date. But dating has never been a priority so I don’t miss it.” There, that glossed nicely over her reasons for still avoiding men.
Yet here she stood, vulnerable in a thin robe held closed by a slippery tie, in the presence of a virile man who could overwhelm her without even trying.
Would he try? She sidled her gaze over his broad chest. He was wearing yesterday’s shirt that still had some of his nephew’s supper on it. That made him seem very human and normal. If he crushed her against that stained cotton, her heart would sing.
When she glanced up, she found him staring into the part of her lapels where her upper chest was exposed. Behind the light satin of the robe, her nipples tightened. Why him, she wondered, but didn’t actually care. It was just such a delightfully good sensation to react to a man.
With a harsh inhale, he visibly pulled himself together and looked away. “Are you still sending money home?”
Her sensual curiosity drained away.
“Yes.” She didn’t elaborate and deliberately put space between them, taking her coffee to the breakfast bar and positioning herself so she could see the kids if they moved. Partly it was decent child minding, but at a deeper level, she was confused and trying to figure out why she longed for Theo to make a move on her when she was still stinging from his dropping her from his life.
“Have you told your family about Zephyr?” he asked.
A spike of grief pierced her as fresh as the day her family had first shunned her, hanging up on her because she had dared to run away to live with Saranya, rather than stay in the ruin they all considered her life had become. “Put it this way. If you don’t acknowledge him, my cousin’s daughter and Quentin are his only support after me.”
Silence. When she glanced back, he was scowling toward the lounge, arms folded in frustration. “There are plenty of people with old-fashioned views in America, but it still surprises me they’d ostracize you for having a baby out of wedlock.”
She sipped her coffee, ignoring the opening to tell him it was more than that. She shouldn’t feel ashamed, but there was also the bit where she’d have to explain that the steps she’d taken to leave India weren’t entirely legal.
“Would—”
He didn’t continue so she dragged her gaze to his again, finding him looking something like he had that night in Bali: slightly defensive, rumpled but gorgeous in spite of it. His jaw was stubbled, his hair disheveled, but his proud bearing and those hollow cheeks above a strong jawline made him one of those men who would get better looking with age.
There was no sign of uncertainty in his tall, solid stillness. His expression was impassive, as if he was asking after her plans for the day.
“Would it mend fences with your family if we married?”
He couldn’t have hurt her more if he’d walked right by her yesterday at the hangar and pretended he didn’t see her. She wasn’t a romantic. After being sexually assaulted, she had quit dreaming of the perfect man sweeping her off her feet with a proposal that made her cry happy tears—except possibly if it came from him.
Seriously, Jaya, you have to let this infatuation die.
But one thing she knew she wanted in any marriage proposal was for love to form the underpinning of it.
“Probably,” she answered, forcing herself to reply honestly, but the word choked her. She had to sip at her coffee to clear her voice into working order. Eyes on the sleeping cherubs, she added, “But my country is full of women who married because they felt they had no other choice. I do have a choice and I’m not interested.”
Another thick silence.
He had to be relieved, but she didn’t glance over to interpret what he might be thinking. Her insides ached too much, especially near her heart. If he saw it, he’d know how much she longed for something deeper from him and that could send him running again, making Zephyr suffer for her foolishness.
For such a powerful, confident man, he was awfully gun-shy about being close to people. Given what she’d learned about him, she could see how he’d fear betrayal of the worst kind lurked behind the slightest show of warmth. His warnings against trying to fix him burned bright in her mind. It added up to a hopeless basis for a marriage so she felt compelled to douse any spark of that talk.
“I should answer some emails while I have the chance,” she murmured, pushing herself into motion. “I won’t have much chance to work through the rest of the day.”
Theo watched her walk away, his tired body stirred by the graceful way she moved while the rest of him throbbed with rejection. Funny how he’d got used to women at least wanting to marry him for his money.
Not that he’d asked Jaya to marry him. He’d been careful to phrase his question as a broad request for information, not sure why he’d brought it up when she’d said last night that she wasn’t looking for money or a ring.
Still, the fact she wasn’t even nibbling at the possibility of sharing her life with him was quite a slap.
But why would she want to tie herself to him? What did he offer besides money? He circled the globe every quarter, could barely change a diaper and was incapable of love. She was right to dismiss the mention of marriage.
It still left him hollow and empty.
Which was probably exaggerated by the fact he hadn’t slept. As Jaya disappeared into her room, he moved to stand over the sleeping babies. They looked pretty zonked, but he couldn’t take the chance of lying down on the sofa and failing to wake if they stirred. Androu was sprawled like a starfish, but Zephyr had rolled himself close to Evie.
Stealing a cushion from the sofa as a pillow, Theo settled on his side behind Zephyr
then gently rested his arm across Evie’s legs and settled one hand on Androu’s knee. Reassured he’d hear and feel them if they woke, he let himself doze.
CHAPTER EIGHT
FEED, PLAY, CHANGE, swim, nap, change, read, play, change... The day was eaten up quickly with the wash, rinse, spin cycle of baby-wrangling.
“How do parents of twins manage?” he asked when Jaya returned from taking a phone call in her room. Technically he was on vacation, although his boss would definitely get an earful over how relaxing this particular one had been, but Jaya was putting out fires from downstairs at the rate of two or three an hour while minding children at the same time. “What if they have triplets? Or more? How do you manage?”
He’d given so many horsey-rides on his ankle, he would need a knee replacement, but Zephyr showed no sign of tiring.
Jaya smiled. “I wasn’t working when I first left Bali. Saranya needed me and so did her daughter. Saranya tried to hang on until I delivered, but...”
She ducked her head, taking a moment. Obviously talking about it was difficult and he had an unexpected urge to physically reach out to her. It hurt him to see her hurting, but he had his hands full and had never been one to act on impulses, especially touchy-feely ones.
Still, he was sorry he couldn’t somehow comfort her when he saw how she struggled to lift a brave face.
“By the time she passed, I was so pregnant there was no point in applying for a job. I landed this one about six months ago, but I still live with Quentin. He and I pay a neighbor to watch Bina and Zeph and spell each other off if she’s not available. Quentin’s been home for most of the year, doing research, so his schedule has been flexible. He’ll be starting a new film soon, though. He makes documentaries and the next one will take him to South America. Bina is pressing me to go with them. Saranya and Bina always lived on location with him. I’m pleased with my life here, though, and Quentin doesn’t need the money. I wish he’d stay, but he keeps saying work will take his mind off his grief.” She shrugged and added in a pained tone, “They loved each other very much.”
