What does that mean?
Is he backing off from me, from us?
Does he understand that I want to tell him the truth, that I want to tell him that he’s the one I want, but that I can’t, simply because I don’t know if we’re being bugged even now? That I want to crawl in his lap and cover his face with kisses? That the only thing stopping me is that I don’t want to throw everyone under the bus who has put so much work into this show?
My mind whirling, I think I’ll never sleep, but held tight in Hayden’s arms, I drift off dreaming of him. It’s a beautiful dream, the two of us in a house a lot like the ones back home, comfortable and cozy. There’s me and Hayden, and my belly is huge with our baby, a little girl that we’ve already decided to name Laetitia. It’s a wonderful dream, even if I’m not too sure where the name comes from.
The next day starts too early, with Nate waking us up and herding us out of the room. I get a chance to look over at Hayden as he pulls a t-shirt and some exercise shorts on, but I can’t say what’s on my mind with Nate buzzing around and practically shoving me out the door. “You’re to spend the day by yourself,” he says as I spare a last glance at Hayden, who’s looking at me with what I swear is heartbreak in his eyes. “Meredith and the producers thought that would give you the best chance to make a decision without being influenced one way or another. We’ve got a few solo scenes scheduled, a little blackjack at the tables, some contemplative shots overlooking the Strip and stuff like that, and interviews, too, you’ll be—”
“What are the guys going to do?”
“Hayden’s going to have a confessional scene to do, and then we’ll be taking him around for his setup shots. You won’t be in the same locations, though, and Lee’s already out doing his thing. Just think of it this way—it’ll let you build the anticipation for your dinner and overnight with Lee.”
Nate keeps buzzing, but I’m not really listening. All I know is that something’s wrong between me and Hayden, and I won’t have a chance to talk with him before my date with Lee. At this point, I don’t even want to go through with it. I don’t know what’s going on with Hayden, but I don’t want to pick Lee when my heart is somewhere else.
Emily
Confessional
“My fantasy suite date with Hayden was a little unexpected. He seemed a bit distracted but still a gentleman. Of course, we laughed. It’s easy to laugh with Hayden, and the food was delicious. It was just that I always felt like there was this . . . distance. You know, like the bamboo screens that surrounded us, how they have the sheer screens where you can see the outline of whatever’s on the other side, but it’s not clear. That’s kinda how it felt, like it was us, but not as vibrant as before.”
I take a deep breath, biting my lip as I read the comment Meredith writes on her whiteboard, THE BEDROOM? “Well, afterward, of course, we spent the night together, and Hayden is . . . he’s probably one of the best snugglers on the planet. He held me in his arms all night and it felt good to be surrounded by his warmth. I think maybe I’m just reading too much into my worries, because it felt so good to be in his arms. Hayden’s got the kind of arms that you just know are going to be there for you and protect you for as long as you’re with him.”
“Okay, that’s good. Cut,” Meredith says. “Emily, before you head out today for the rest of your shots, I’d like to have a chat with you in the living room. Nate, chase all the vampires out of there for me. This is off camera, okay?”
“Got it, boss,” Nate says, hurrying away. I hear yelling in the next room as McKayla threatens to make Nate her bitch if he talks to her like that again, but within a minute or two, everything is quiet, and Nate comes back. The three of us head into the living room, where I can see that all the cameras, at least temporarily, are turned off.
Meredith takes a seat on one of the chairs while Nate hovers nearby. “Emily, my dear, have a seat. We need to talk through your date.”
I scrunch up my eyebrows, confused. “Isn’t it the same as last night? Dinner and sleepover on camera, just the theme is supposed to be different?”
Meredith nods, glancing at her perfect gel nails before looking up and giving me a pitying expression. “Well, yes. But I more meant the direction the show is heading. Last night was basically painful to watch. Hayden is a great guy, but he’s not pulling through on camera.”
The cameras. Always the cameras. I thought that being on reality TV would be fun, but right about now, I want nothing more than to have a baseball bat and five minutes alone with all the cameras. I shake my head, leaning forward and putting my elbows on my knees. “He said he was tired, maybe distracted last night. But our other dates have been better. You even said the photo shoot was great.”
Nate inhales audibly, and Meredith cuts her eyes to him. Nate’s eyebrows raise as if he’s asking Meredith a question, but she shakes her head. I don’t know what the silent conversation is about and don’t have a chance to ask as Meredith looks back at me. “Test audiences are loving both Hayden and Lee, but there’s just something about you and Lee onscreen. It’s fireworks and magic. I need to see that on your date.”
I knew there were going to be certain elements of the show where the producers would ‘advise’ me. It was in the contract, and more than once, Meredith has asked me during cuts to save a guy who was on the cusp for one more cut for various reasons. I’ve always gone along with it because I knew he wouldn’t make it in the end, but I assumed the final choice on who wins would be mine. “Uhm, I’m really leaning toward Hayden right now, so I don’t want to do anything too over the top. I mean, Lee’s a nice guy, and sure, there’s a spark with him, but I don’t feel the same way about him that I do about Hayden.”
The silence stretches out for a long time, Meredith looking at me like I’m stupid while Nate shifts from foot to foot like a little boy who needs to pee in church. Finally, Meredith replies. “This isn’t really you picking. This is a whole production team decision that you have a vote in, but ultimately, we’re making TV that sells here. And trust me, Lee and you, that’s good TV.”
“Excuse me?” I ask, stunned. “I was told the choices were mine, especially the final winner. Isn’t what you’re saying, like, illegal or something? At the very least, it’s wrong and misleading.”
Meredith ignores me, looking at Nate, who is obviously ready for orders. “Make a note. We’ve edited Hayden to look good for test audiences, but we’ll show some of the less flattering things he’s said in confessionals for the later episodes to lead up to Emily choosing Lee.”
My jaw drops at her words, and I speak up, getting her attention. “Less flattering things? What are you talking about? What did he say?”
Meredith turns back as Nate pauses his note-taking, obviously eager to be dismissed. She appears to waffle a bit, hesitant. “Hmm, I’m not sure you really want to see those . . .”
The hell I don’t, especially if I’m about to pick him on national TV. I don’t want to look stupid if he’s been playing me. I don’t want to be that naïve. God, I can see the headlines on TMZ now, Matcher’s Flame Burns Out Fast! I don’t have the spit in my mouth to say anything, though, and instead look at her with anguished eyes.
Meredith must see my answer on my face. “If you’re sure, my dear.” She turns to Nate with a smile, “Can you find—”
Nate nods and opens his laptop. With barely a couple of clicks, he has the file queued up and turns the screen toward me.
Hayden pops up on screen. I remember that shirt from one of the earliest days of the show. “Some of the guys are jerks, just out for their fifteen minutes of fame. Lee is a bit sleazy. Not sure what his endgame is, but I don’t think it’s Emily.”
All right, that’s not particularly nice, but not so bad. I mean, everyone’s got opinions, and it was early on in the show. I don’t get what’s so bad about that. “And?”
“Are you sure . . .?” Meredith asks, and I nod once more. Nate clicks a few more times, and a different confessional pops up.
/>
“Off to Vegas. 50/50 odds I guess. No, I don’t think I’m in love with her.”
I gasp, my heart shattering, and Meredith gets up, sitting down next to me before covering my hands with her own. “I’m so sorry, honey. I didn’t know you were that caught up with him. Hard to hear, I know, but at least now you know where you stand. Go cry a few tears, put on your big girl panties, and get ready. You’ve got a lot of shots to do today. Don’t worry, you can have some fun with it. You’ve got a date with a guy who really likes you and whom you really like too. And that’s all that matters.”
She’s right. I need to cry right now, but I’ll rally. I don’t have a choice.
“So, Emily, how was your day yesterday?” Lee asks me as we sit down in the dining nook of this particular fantasy suite. The theme is European castle, and while to me it’s a little more Cinderella castle than real castle, Lee looks handsome in his tuxedo while I feel regal in the full-length fitted gown that I’m wearing.
“It was . . . more difficult than I thought it’d be,” I admit, sipping the white wine that’s coming with the first course. “How about you?”
Lee smiles softly, and I think for the first time that he looks a little nervous. “To be honest, I spent the whole day racking my brain. You see, I know this is probably the last chance I have to make an impression on you, so this is the time to lay it all out there. I want to make a very good impression.”
“I feel that pressure too. It’s not just you trying to make a good impression, it’s me too. I want to be myself and make the match that feels right, for both of us.” Lee understands, and dinner becomes serious, not a laughing feel-good date, but instead, he asks me deep questions about where I see myself in the future.
“So, you really want to see a revolution in education?”
I nod, chewing the lobster medallion that we’ve been served as our main course. It’s delicate and delicious, and if things keep up like this, I’m going to have to skip breakfasts for the next couple of years to make up for all the rich food on this show. “I do. I’d like to see schools with teachers who are able to be inventive and creative with their lessons, not locked in to teaching to the mandated state tests. A place where the community works together to make sure the students are ready to learn, not hungry and lacking supplies. Where the kids are safe and have mentors in leadership roles to guide them to a bright future.”
Lee nods. “Sounds like a great idea to me.”
As we continue to talk, I don’t even know what I’m saying half the time because my heart isn’t in this at all, but he responds favorably, slowly pulling me out of my shell by holding my hands and urging me to open up to him.
“So, tell me about your past,” I finally say, hoping to not have to think for a little while. “Who was little Lee?”
Lee looks down before replying. “I was the kid who exists in every class, I guess. I was the nerdy kid, the kid who didn’t have a lot of friends. Oh, I had friends, I guess, but their names were Master Chief and Mario and The Blue Eyed White Dragon.”
I recognize two of those but get his point. “You were a loner?”
“And bullied more than a couple of times,” Lee admits. “I just didn’t fit in with any particular group. So I made a place to be myself online, talking to a camera instead of people. It was cool because there are so many people online that I found others like me, and they listened to my opinions about something I love. Slowly, I found a little confidence and it helped me grow. I found a place to fit in online, but that’s sometimes harder still in person. Except with you . . . somehow, I feel like I fit with you.”
When Lee smiles at me, it touches my heart and makes me tear up a little. It’s so sweet, but I have to admit that some of the heat between us has been forced on his end and the show itself. I guess I can understand though. I mean, if I’d gone through his childhood, I’d be hot on the trigger too.
It’s more of that same heat when Meredith directs us for the good night kiss, and as always, he engulfs me with his fire, holding me tightly to his body. It feels like I’m betraying Hayden, but then I remember that he doesn’t appear to see a future for us and this is my chance to see if I can have something positive from this show. So I kiss Lee back, reaching my arms around his neck, and he moans into my mouth. After a moment, he leans back, looking into my eyes. “Let’s go to bed.”
“Cut! Great job, you two,” Meredith calls out, giving me a look like she’s proud of me. We close the door behind us, and Lee moves in close to me, his hands on my hips.
“Emily, you drive me fucking crazy with how sexy you are. Lying with you all night, knowing that there’s probably cameras in here and I can’t go too far, is going to kill me. I’m afraid kissing you all night might be enough to drive me over the edge as it is.” He walks me across the room and looks down at me, and I can see the fire in his eyes.
As his hands move to cup my breasts, I remember . . . cameras. Breathlessly, I whisper in Lee’s ear, “We should probably cool it. I’m not that kind of girl.”
Lee takes a deep, shuddering breath and I can almost see him willing himself to calm, but he nods once. We climb under the covers, him lying on his back, and he pulls me close so I can rest my head on his chest before he shuts off the lights. He lightly brushes up and down my arm with his fingertips and it feels nice. Maybe not what I’ve had with Hayden before yesterday, but apparently, that ship has sailed and he was just using me or he freaked out on me. This could work, I guess. And with that thought, I drift off.
Emily
Confessional
I clear my throat, still torn over what I’m about to say. It’s not what I thought I’d be saying just two days ago, when I was fully prepared to say some nice things about Lee and buffer them with praise of Hayden. But that was before, and now I’ve got Meredith giving me a look that says ‘Perform, dancing monkey, time to make the crowd happy.’ It’s not what I expected when I signed up for this, and by now, I’m more than ready to never watch reality TV again.
I clear my throat again, then talk to the camera. “If I had to sum it up shortly, my date with Lee was perfect. He was interesting, he opened up to me, and he said some things that really touched my heart. I know that Lee comes off like he’s always been the man, or whatever you want to call it, but hearing about his past, I understand and was moved. Of course, he was intensely passionate, as he’s always been. It feels good that he likes me that much. A line came to me today from a super-old movie that I caught on cable once, Revenge Of The Nerds. ‘All jocks think about is sports. All we ever think about is sex.’ And while that might be a bit crude, if Lee’s kissing is any demonstration, there’s a lot of truth in that line.”
I make my way to the elevator, but before the door can close, Meredith sticks her hand in, forcing her way inside. Nate, as always, is hovering behind her with his clipboard. Just once, I want to see what he’s scribbling on it because I suspect he’s just doodling to look like he’s actually doing something. There’s no way anyone needs to write that much stuff down.
“Meredith, I really—”
As usual, Meredith plows right over me. “All right, production meeting last night was unanimous. You’re matching with Lee. I know you weren’t certain, but surely, after last night, you can tell that’s the way to go. Both for the show and for your heart.”
“I . . . I don’t know. It’s just a lot. Last night was great, but it’s hard to let go of everything I’ve felt with Hayden. I mean, all that you said before makes sense, but I know how I feel.”
Meredith sighs, nodding. “I know, honey. But realistically, you don’t want Hayden to make a fool out of you. When his confessionals air, and then if you choose him . . . well, that just doesn’t look very good for you, does it? Think with your head a bit here. You’re a sweet girl, and viewers are gonna see themselves in you. Don’t let them down by picking the hottie player when you can pick the self-made man who let himself be vulnerable with you and lights up when you come in the room.”
>
I sigh. Maybe she’s right. It does have a sort of ring to it. Not to mention, I’m going to look stupid being played if I choose Hayden, but it just doesn’t feel right. It’s tearing at my guts and my heart, and the knots in my stomach twist even tighter as I try to sort through my choices. Finally, reluctantly, I agree. “Fine, let’s just do this. I just want it to be over with.”
“Good. Go get yourself some rest, then get prepped. We’re shooting the final elimination at sunset in front of the fountains. You guys can drive off into the sunset that way. It’ll be a great shot, trust me.”
I nod, my head throbbing at her words. It’s not supposed to be like this. I’m not supposed to be riding into the sunset with Lee. A seemingly good man, but a man I don’t really have feelings for. Who I really want to be with . . . I guess it doesn’t matter.
I head back to my room, where I lie down. I wish I could call Cassie. She’d be able to give me some good advice on all of this. She’s as much a reality junkie as I am, and she’s got a good head on her shoulders. But we’re in total communication silence. I can’t even get the damn news, much less a phone call. So instead, I lie back and close my eyes until there’s a knock on the bedroom door and McKayla sticks her head in. “Hey, chica, you ready?”
“For what?” I ask miserably. “I just want this shit to be over with.”
McKayla comes in, her eyes filled with worry. “Honey, come on, now, it’s only a few more hours and then you and your Prince Charming get to climb in that limo and you don’t have to hold back on saying you’ve got feelings for him anymore. Hell, if I had that to look forward to, I’d be jumping up and down and trying to get them to speed the damn timeline up.”
I groan, shaking my head. “It’s not gonna be that.”
“What do you mean . . . oh, shit,” McKayla says, sitting down. “You’re fucking kidding me.”
Scorpio Page 45
