"I have for almost a year and I will continue to do so until I no longer do. That's all there is to it." He began moving everyone towards the door.
"Gilles! We can't let you continue to feel such pain every night!" His mother exclaimed.
"Maman, I appreciate your concern. I appreciate everyone's concern but no one has ever died from a bad dream. I've survived countless times. Go back to your own rooms. I'll be fine for the rest of the night, I assure you."
The group disbanded hesitantly. Elise entered her room and walked around to the connecting door. It was still open. She walked through. Gilles heard her and he turned.
"You shouldn't be in here." He didn't move towards her. Elise stayed just inside the threshold unsure of what she should do. She felt as if she were being pulled towards him physically and emotionally. It would be so easy and feel so good to rush into his arms. But he'd want an answer and she still couldn't give it to him.
"I wanted to make sure you're alright." That sounded as good as anything else, Elise thought.
She heard Gilles move towards her and her body reacted. Heat began to pool with her, her nipples began to pucker in anticipation. Elise felt his hand close gently about her arm as he directed her back over the threshold. Confused, her head whipped upwards.
"As I said, my welfare will be the purview of my wife. As you are not the recipient of that title, it is not your concern." Gilles raised her hand and brushed her knuckles with his lips. "Rest well, My Lady." And then proceeded to shut the door in her face.
Elise was at a total loss. She stood at the door for countless minutes, her mouth wide open. Eventually, she stepped back and returned to her bed. Listening closely, she heard his breathing soften and become regular. As her muscles relaxed, exhaustion washed over her and she quickly drifted off to sleep.
Chapter 24
Gilles was the last to breakfast. He'd risen early and took Lucifer for a bruising ride. As he drew close to the dining room he heard hushed whispers. Another reason he had not told them, he reminded himself. Entering, he noticed that everyone was in various states of completing their meals. Alastair's napkin rested on his plate and the paper was folded next to it. Maman had just her coffee and half of a triangle of toast. Mirabelle was nibbling a piece of bacon but her plate was otherwise clean. Elise had eaten about half of the food on her plate but her silverware rested across it. She held her cup to her lips and listened to his progress through the room.
Slowly piling food on his plate, in hopes that the room would be less populated by the time he was done, Gilles reminded himself that they were worried for him. It wouldn't do to start snapping at them. If he were in their place, it would have been unacceptable.
As he sat, three sets of eyes looked at him expectantly and one gorgeous head cocked in his direction.
"The rest of my evening was pleasant. I hope everyone else slept well." Gilles' jaw twitched as four heads nodded slowly. "I apologize for disturbing everyone's night and shall endeavor to be more careful in the future."
Mirabelle's gaze softened and his mother looked at him as if he was five and trying to be brave. Alastair stared, his eyes narrowing.
"You have no way of controlling that." He stated. "Unless you're restrained."
The statement was met with varying degrees of shock.
"Not that I'd allow that, but that's the only way he could keep from disturbing us."
The unspoken argument that Elise could do something about it hung in the air but no one wanted to broach that topic at the moment.
"No... The idea has merit." Gilles said between bites of food. "We could send for a straight jacket and I could be gagged after a glass of brandy." He chewed some more as he made a show of pondering the idea. "That is what happens when one has a lunatic in the family, is it not?" He took a drink of his coffee.
"We don't think you're unstable, Gilles." Alastair said.
"Are you certain? The way you've all been whispering and looking at me as if I ate my own puppy, I can't be sure."
"Really, Gilles?" Mirabelle scolded.
"Really! I have bad dreams. Actually, bloody terrible nightmares. But that's all it is. As I've said, they won't kill me. I'm a grown man and have dealt with them for some time. I'm the same as I was yesterday and will be the same tomorrow. They will pass, or they won't but I'll be fine. The only things causing me discomfort right now is the fact that my family is making more of it than they should and the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with may not have me." He shoveled a generous portion of food into his mouth and chewed, staring at the faces around the table. "Pass the jam, please, Mirabelle." He took it and applied it to his toast. "Is there anything I need to know about in that news sheet, Alastair?"
"No. Almost the same as yesterday."
Gilles munched on his toast and let his eyes wander over Elise. She looked better than the day before but still pale.
"You need to eat more." Her head snapped in his direction.
He scooped the last of the food from his plate then downed the rest of his coffee and rose.
"I have some correspondence to attend to in the study. Alastair, you may join me if you promise to discuss anything but last night." He rose and nodded towards the other inhabitants of the dinning room, "Ladies" and left.
Chapter 25
Mirabelle snorted.
"Ridiculous man! I do not envy you, Elise. You've a lifetime of frustration and grey hair ahead of you."
Elise stiffened and started to protest. Mirabelle patted her hand and shushed her.
"Now is not the time, Elise. You won't be able to hold out much longer. We just need to come up with a plan for the time being."
"But, I..." Mirabelle shushed her again.
"Oh! Perhaps a bell! You could ring it in the hall if he's in distress and we could come running. I'll have to ask Alastair."
"A bell?"
"Or a gong! But I think that would require too much repetition. I think a bell would do."
"I'm not sure Gilles would like that." Elise was certain he wouldn't want that.
"It's better than the alternative." Mirabelle stated.
"What's the alternative?"
"Alastair said he'd sleep on a cot in Gilles' room."
"I'll see about a bell." Elise offered.
"I thought so." Mirabelle returned, her grin more than obvious to Elise's ears. "We'll be sisters in no time!" She called as she sailed out of the room.
Elise regarded Celine and heard her chuckle softly.
"Try not to be troubled, mignon." She yawned softly and stood. "Last night was too eventful. I think I will find a nice, sunny spot and take a nap." Elise heard her draw close as her rose perfume wrapped about her. She felt small, delicate arms embrace her. "Thank you for caring so much about him. If you had not alerted us, we would have not known he was suffering." Elise felt lips brush her cheek and then Celine floated away.
Chapter 26
After lunch, Alastair walked slowly through the ballroom turned gallery, barely glancing at the statues as he made his way towards Lady Elise's sitting room. Gilles was in his study and maman and Mirabelle were on the terrace writing letters. He heard the notes of a delicate, wistful song from the piano in Lady Elise's room. Tense as he turned into the little hall, he took a deep breath and entered the back room. Lady Elise stopped playing.
"I am unarmed, Alastair." She called from the bench.
He smiled. She was uncanny. He crossed the room and sat next to her, his back facing the keys.
"Is this going to be bad?" She asked as she rested her hands in her lap.
Alastair sighed and stared out the door, longing to escape. He hated involving himself in emotional matters. If it had been anyone other than Gilles and if he weren't compelled to understand how she perceived everything around her, he would not have waded in. But it was Gilles. His brother on the verge of serious disappointment and suffering was something he couldn't merely witness objectively. Learning what motivated Lady Elise, how her d
isability and the way she had adapted to her environment effected her personal relationships was too tempting to pass up.
"I hope not." He exhaled as he crossed his ankles and folded his arms over his chest.
"Is this about his dreams or me marrying him?"
"Why do you believe one is not about the other?
Lady Elise inclined her head in agreement.
"Go on."
"You do not strike me as a coward, Lady Elise."
She laughed.
"I have not left the grounds of Longwood for seventeen years, I believe that makes me the definition of a coward."
"Not at all. There's nothing worth exposing yourself to that level of discomfort outside of Longwood. I believe that if one of us were in trouble or Gilles asked you to, you would go."
She almost argued but stopped. He was right, under certain circumstances.
"My brother needed help and you ran into an area of the house you've likely never entered before. Not the most dangerous of feats. But for you, it had to be terrifying."
Lady Elise nodded.
"It takes a great deal of strength to live as independently as you do. You've worked very hard to learn to use your other senses in place of vision. Trusting the people around you takes a great deal of courage as well. I know, because it is something I struggled with much of my childhood. Still, I have a very small circle of people I am comfortable with. Yet, you have welcomed and accepted us when it must have been difficult. I'm sure it's been unsettling having us in your home."
"It's not my home. It's Gilles'."
Alastair gently nudged her shoulder with his.
"This is your home and it would mean nothing to him without you. If you were to leave tomorrow, he'd close it and never return."
Lady Elise gasped.
"No! Longwood needs someone here that loves it"
"Indeed. But he does not love Longwood. He loves you."
Her shoulders sagged.
"You don't know that."
"You think I'm wrong?"
She shook her head.
"You love him. Enough to leave Longwood."
Lady Elise nodded.
"Then tell me, what could come of marrying him that would be worse than the pain you'd both experience by staying apart?"
Alastair held his breath. This, he was sure, was the answer, the key. Both to understanding her and his brother's future. A thought bloomed. What if it was something insurmountable?
A tear slipped between her closed lashes and he frowned.
"Children." Lady Elise whispered.
Alastair's gaze became unfocused as he considered the consequences of her having children.
"Are you afraid they'll be blind?" He asked gently.
"No. My mother was very ill during her pregnancy. She'd been sickly most of her life. I'm not like her in that way."
"Are you afraid you will not be able to parent them well? Many people of our class rarely see their children and they aren't blind."
Lady Elise laughed softly and shook her head.
"I believe I would be a very attentive mother, though a baby or small child would not be as safe with me unless I had almost constant assistance." She frowned. She hadn't really considered that aspect, Alastair suspected.
"I'm confidant you'd be able to adapt many of the skills you've developed in your parenting. And you'd have plenty of help. We'd always be around when you needed us. In fact, I don't think you'd ever be rid of maman."
Lady Elise smiled.
"If that's not it, what then?" Alastair asked.
"I rarely feel sorry for myself Alastair. I never minded that I don't know what pink looks like, despite Martha insisting that most of my clothing be pink. Or if a rose is as lovely as it smells. These are minor things and I am not pained by not understanding them. It's an entirely different matter when the thing you love most in the world is withheld from you in that way. I can learn everything there is to know about Gilles but I will never know how devastating his smile is or what his hair looks like when the sun shines upon it. I'll never be able to see him sleeping and be comforted by how peaceful he looks. If we had a baby, I'd never be able to see him holding it his arms." Lady Elise's voice broke and a tear rolled down her cheek.
Alastair turned and squeezed her arm reassuringly.
She smiled softly.
"I'm fine. So, if you can imagine how much it hurts not to be able to look at the man I love, imagine how much worse it would be to not be able to see our children. As much as I love him, I would love them even more."
"And it would hurt that much more." Alastair whispered. He understood.
"I'm afraid it wouldn't just hurt. I'm afraid it would slowly destroy me. I'm afraid of that more than anything in the world."
Alastair's head tilted to the side and his eyes began darting back and forth as he weighed probabilities and played through scenarios.
"No. You're wrong."
"How so?" Lady Elise asked carefully, hopefully.
"You're highly intuitive and extremely aware of those around you. You would know your children as well as you know yourself. You may not be able to see the color of their eyes but you would know them in ways that most mothers never could. They would be a part of you in more than the obvious ways. Your blindness would cause you to bond with them in ways you don't yet anticipate. I think motherhood would fill a void you've felt your whole life."
Elise reached for his hand and squeezed it.
"As for not seeing Gilles' devastating smile or the sun on his hair, these things are all overrated."
She laughed again and reached for his face. He froze. She leaned forward and kissed his cheek.
"Thank you, Alastair!"
"No. Thank you." Alastair stood and walked out the French doors. Once again, romantic love seemed like more trouble than it was worth. He hoped he had helped Gilles. He certainly understood Elise better. He was very sympathetic towards her. The concerns his family had been aware of before weren't as serious as she had insisted but this was different. Alastair had pondered the vulnerability and fear inherent in parenthood. Small children were often unsteady and prone to injury. Older children were noisy, complicated and irritating. This he knew from his own childhood with his siblings and Lucien. To combine all of this with blindness, her fears seemed entirely reasonable.
Despite wanting some time to reflect and to avoid more discussion of emotions, Alastair cut across the garden to the back doors of the study. The sooner Gilles understood and he could resolve things with Elise, the sooner Alastair could stop worrying about Gilles' nightmares and his life in general could settle into a peaceful routine again. Bracing himself, he opened the doors and waded in once more.
Chapter 27
The rest of the afternoon passed very slowly for Gilles. After Alastair left his study, he stared at the shadows on the wall opposite him until they pushed out the light and claimed the entire room. When he finally emerged from the dark and went upstairs to get ready for dinner, he was still at a loss.
It was a comfort knowing that Elise had accepted that it would be harder for them to be apart than together, with the exception of that one very real and very large concern. Children. Something Gilles saw as an extension of their feelings for each other, the joy they shared, was something Elise feared. He'd assumed that a baby would bring her as much happiness as it would him. That like most women, she yearned for children.
While her other reasons against marriage had been real, they were minor and could be overcome. This was different. Gilles' heart hurt for hers and he didn't know if he'd be able to bear that pain if it were him. How much would it hurt him if he couldn't see Elise? His eyes drank her in whenever they could, the sight of her fed his soul. What if he couldn't see the children he imagined with her? In his mind, Gilles pictured tiny girls with honey colored curls running towards him. To have them and not be able to watch them sleep at night...
And he'd made it abundantly clear that he wanted children with her. What
if he took it back? Could he? If Elise were able to risk everything else she feared and agreed to marry him if he agreed that there would be no children, could he accept that?
If she agreed to marry him and gave him children, what if she didn't take comfort in her bond with them, as Alastair predicted? How would Gilles help her cope with the pain? How could he make up for it? If he couldn't, how could he live with himself for causing her so much heartache?
Gilles paid little attention as he went through the routine of dressing for dinner. He held out his arms, turned, stepped, sat... as if he were sleepwalking. When he finally looked around, he was at the bottom of the stairs and his family was talking in the parlor. At the sound of her snapping, he looked up to see Elise descending the stairs. She'd chosen a more subdued gown as she had the night before but it was her smile that made him lightheaded. As soon as she sensed his presence, her face lit up and Gilles felt it within him. The warmth started in his heart and spread outwards. He smiled and had to keep from running up the stairs to meet her.
Gilles knew then that he'd do whatever it took. If Elise could only be his if there would be no children, he would promise her that. If she gave him children, he would give her the damned moon if it made her happy. She was all he needed. If that's all he could have, it would be enough.
"My Lady." He invested the phrase with all the tenderness he could and kissed her knuckles. He lingered and she leaned forward. They'd barely touched in two days and it had taken it's toll on both of them. He stepped closer and was about to lower his head when Holderson opened the dining room door and walked into the hall. Stifling a curse, Gilles turned and placed Elise's hand on his sleeve. He kept his hand on top of hers as he escorted her to her seat.
The family noticed the change immediately and the meal was more animated than it had been in days. Elise smiled and laughed. She occasionally teased Alastair. They seemed to have become closer. Instead of feeling concerned, Gilles was pleased. His brother had few friends and didn't trust many people. Elise would be good for him. It was clear that he'd provided the breakthrough she'd needed. He expected that he had cause to be grateful to Alastair. He hoped he could return the favor and help him find love one day.
Saved By A Siren: Spencers in Love Book One Page 13
