I put the radio on full blast, trying to block out my own thoughts, but it doesn’t help. At this point, I don’t think anything can.
• • •
He’s already there when I get home, and I didn’t even text him. He opens my car door for me and offers me his hand. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I say as he closes my door. I press the button to lock the car, then walk to my front door. “I just spent the night with Elizabeth and heard her talk about you. I don’t think I can do this anymore, Ranger. I feel like the shittiest person, even though I didn’t really do anything wrong. I think the worst part is the lying. I should have just told her right away.”
But she’d just been rescued. How was I meant to tell her I’d slept with the guy she thinks is the one for her? There’s no way I could have, but the longer this goes on the more she thinks she has a chance with Ranger. Isn’t it worse to let her think that?
Ranger says nothing about my rant; instead, he takes my keys from me and opens the front door. I walk inside and turn on the light, flopping onto the couch and staring at the blank TV. He sits down next to me, and takes my hand into his. “What do you want me to do? I’m glad you’re telling me how you’re feeling, Jo, but don’t ever say that you can’t do this anymore.”
I lick my dry lips and turn to look at him. “I don’t know what we should do, but not doing anything is only going to make this worse, Ranger. I feel so fake, sitting there with her while she talks about you like you’re hers. She’s my cousin. And she’s been through hell. How can I add to her pain? I’ve been so selfish, and I just don’t see a way out of this. Why don’t we just cool things for a little until we can sort it out? Maybe she’ll meet someone and forget about you. . . . I don’t know. . . .”
He looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. “Cool things? What the fuck does that mean exactly?”
I look down at our hands and say, “I don’t know, Ranger. I just don’t know anymore.”
“We’re supposed to be in this together. When shit gets hard, we’re meant to band together and handle it. Not run. You really don’t get it, do you, Jo?”
He stands and leaves.
And I’m left feeling like shit.
TWENTY-SEVEN
Ranger
I PICK up my glass of whiskey and swirl the amber liquid around before taking a sip.
“Long day?” Shayla asks, sitting down next to me.
“Something like that,” I say, ignoring as my phone vibrates with Elizabeth’s calls. It’s not her I want to call me right now, but I know that Jo won’t. She’s upset, and I get it, I do, but we’re in this together no matter what. She can’t run every time something upsets her, unless it’s into my arms. I want her, she wants me, why does it have to be more difficult than that?
“Want to talk about it?” she asks, watching me as I pour more whiskey.
“Not really,” I say, turning to her. “Do you think that if a relationship is too hard, it isn’t meant to be?”
She thinks it over, before shaking her head. “No. I think that sometimes you need to fight for what you want, to make your own fate. It just depends on how badly you want it. Sometimes what you want isn’t what you need, or what’s best for you. It all depends on the situation, Ranger.”
“I want her badly,” I say, looking into my glass like it has the answers to all of my problems. “And I know I can make her so happy, you know? It’s not a selfish want. I could make her the happiest woman in the world.”
“But she doesn’t want that?” Shayla asks.
“I don’t know. Shayla, is it always like this?” I mutter under my breath, the alcohol doing its job, my mind going hazy. “Maybe I don’t deserve someone like her.”
Shayla slams her hand down on the table. “Bullshit, Ranger. You’re a catch. You’re good-looking, educated, badass, and you’re funny. I’ll give you a moment to feel sorry for yourself, since you just had a fight and you’re upset, but that’s all I’ll allow.”
I reach over and tug a lock of her silky dark hair. “Did you just tell me off?”
“Yes.”
“She’s so fuckin’ beautiful, Shayla. Perfect. She’s mine, and that’s it,” I say, trying to explain my connection to Jo and failing miserably.
“There are plenty of beautiful women out there,” she says in a soft voice.
“None like her though.”
And that’s the truth. I made it sound like her beauty is her main appeal, but that’s not it. It’s just one of the things that makes me want to be around her for the rest of my life. Vinnie walks into the room with Jordan propped on his arm, his eyes going straight to Shayla. “You ready to go, Shay?”
She doesn’t take her eyes off me. “Yeah. Unless you want me to hang out for a bit, Ranger?”
“I’m good,” I say, leaning over and kissing her cheek. “Go and get that beautiful girl to bed. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay,” she says, standing up.
Vinnie nods as I say good-bye. Left alone once more, I replay the last bit of the conversation with Jo in my head.
I want you more than anything, but not like this.
Does she think that I want it to be a secret? I want to scream out to the whole world that she’s mine, but I thought we’re handling the situation as delicately as we can, trying to do our best so Elizabeth doesn’t get pushed over the edge. It’s not that I think I’m such a catch that she will lose her mind over me, but she will see it as a betrayal, even though Jo isn’t like that. Jo never betrayed Elizabeth, and we can’t help how we feel about each other. We didn’t choose it: it just happened. Jo doesn’t want her cousin to hate her, but I’m sure Elizabeth will get over it. She will find someone else, move on, and realize that I’m not what she wants, but until she does have that realization, she might give Jo a bit of shit and make her look like a villain to her entire family.
Jo doesn’t deserve to have to put up with any of that. I’d carry all the guilt, the entire burden if I could, but I can’t. Fuck it, I need to talk to Elizabeth. If I’m being honest, there’s a reason I’ve been avoiding it. I don’t think I can avoid that reason anymore, because losing Jo isn’t an option.
• • •
I don’t know how it happens, but I end up at Toxic with Talon. He had to run in to deal with an issue between two of the bouncers, and drunk me asked him if I could tag along.
“We were supposed to run in and out, not sit here,” Talon says, but then lifts his hand up to order some drinks from a passing waitress. “Two whiskeys and Coke, please,” he says, then turns to me. “Not that you need any more alcohol.”
“I think I do,” I say, looking onstage at the woman dancing in front of me. I see her, but I don’t see her, if that makes sense. She’s dancing on the pole in nothing but a white thong, and her body is amazing, but it doesn’t stir anything inside of me. I don’t want to fuck her. Great, Jo’s fuckin’ ruined me for other women.
I read somewhere that once you feel a mental connection with someone, it’s hard to go back to what you were used to before that. I honestly think that’s what keeps a relationship going. You need the mental, physical, and intellectual connection. And you need friendship. No one wants to hurt their best friend. Great, now I’m a fuckin’ philosopher or something. Although I do have a degree in philosophy, so maybe I’m qualified in my drunk rambled thoughts. In fact, I should write this shit down and turn it into a book or something. Our drinks arrive and I greedily swallow mine, while Talon watches me with a concerned look on his face.
“What happened?” he finally asks when the next girl comes up onstage. “I haven’t seen you drink like this since the night you knocked out Anna and felt guilty about it.”
“Don’t let her know that,” I grumble, leaning back and watching the redhead. Again, nothing. My dick doesn’t even stir, it just sits there, uninterested.
Fuck my life.
“We had our first real fight,” I tell him.
And then, somet
hing hits me.
We had our first fight, and I didn’t handle it how I told her I would. We didn’t sit and talk it out. She had her say, I mentally disagreed but couldn’t take how much her words hurt me, so I walked out and went home. There was no talking it out and there definitely wasn’t any makeup sex, and now I feel kind of slighted. Why did I walk away? I shouldn’t have. I should have been patient, sat down with her and spoken to her until we sorted it out. I should have calmed her down, told her that everything will be okay, because we’re in it together.
But I didn’t.
Fuck.
“So go and make up,” Talon says, shrugging like it’s no big deal. “Tell her you’re sorry, then go and fuck her and remind her why she likes you in the first place.”
“That easy, huh?”
“It’s never that easy,” Talon says, barking out a laugh. “But if it were, life would be boring, don’t you think?”
“I think I could use some boring right now,” I say on a sigh. I look down into my glass, surprised to see that it’s empty. “Who finished my drink?”
“That would be you, Ranger,” Talon says, chuckling to himself.
“Pony” by Ginuwine starts to play, and I fuckin’ love this song, so I raise my arm in the air and cheer.
“Seriously?” Talon asks from next to me. He looks on the verge of laughter again, although I don’t know why, but at least he’s in a good mood. He’s not a bad party buddy, that Talon.
“It’s a classic,” I point out, looking for another waitress. I’m too drunk to drop by Jo’s house now, so I might as well go all out and get wasted tonight, then go to her tomorrow, when my head is clear. I texted Elizabeth and told her I couldn’t make it tonight, but if she’s feeling unsafe, she’s welcome to stay at the clubhouse. She replied and said Helen is home tonight, so she’s fine, and she hopes everything is okay with me. I find it a little ironic that she said she’d be fine without me, when if she was so before, maybe Jo wouldn’t have been pushed to her breaking point.
Johanna.
I wish she were here.
I look up at the stage and cringe. Okay, maybe not here, here, but I wish I was with her.
Maybe I’ll just go and see her now.
TWENTY-EIGHT
Johanna
I AWAKE with a jump as I hear a banging on the front door. I grab my gun from my nightstand drawer and walk to the front door, barefoot, in nothing but my panties and T-shirt. When I turn on the light and look through the peephole I see Ranger standing there, looking disheveled. I quickly open the door and let him in.
“Good morning,” he says, flashing me a lopsided smile. I can smell the alcohol on him from here, and I wonder where he’s come from and how he got here.
“You didn’t drink and drive did you?” I ask, scowling. “Or ride.”
“Talon dropped me off,” he says, closing the door behind him and locking it. “I wanted to talk to you, and it can’t wait until tomorrow.” He steps closer to me, but stops and leans against the wall for support.
“Talon dropped you here?” I ask, wishing I could have met the man I’ve heard so much about. “What, like a father dropping off his son at his girlfriend’s house?”
Ranger smirks. “I found it hilarious too.”
“Had a bit to drink, have you?” I ask as he wraps his arm around me and walks with me back to my bedroom. I put my gun away and watch as he removes his jacket and jeans and climbs into my bed.
“Just a bit,” he says, resting his hands behind his head and watching me. “I missed you.”
“So you decided to drop by at two a.m.?” I ask, lifting the sheets and sliding in next to him.
“Yeah,” he says, snuggling into me. “We have some unfinished business.”
“We do?” I breathe, laying my head on his chest.
I’m glad he came.
When he walked out of my house, I felt terrible. I wanted him to come right back, but I was too proud to say anything, and it wouldn’t have changed anything. He didn’t say much; he listened to me. He didn’t argue against my points. He didn’t agree either. He just nodded like he respected my wishes, said okay, and then left my house.
I don’t think I wanted him to respect my wishes. Have I always been so complicated?
“Remember I told you what would happen after our first fight?” he says, kissing the top of my head. “We’re going to talk it out. We’re going to solve it. And then we’re going to have the best makeup sex that ever existed.”
“Bold claim,” I murmur, licking my dry lips. “Do you want to wait until morning to have this talk? Maybe when you’re sober and suffering with a hangover.”
“I’m not so drunk that I don’t know what I’m saying,” he says, rubbing my back. “I shouldn’t have left your house today. Your words hit me, babe. I didn’t know how to handle them. All I heard over and over was you saying that you can’t handle being with me.” He takes in and releases a deep breath, then lowers his voice to add, “I’m sorry.”
I feel like he’s not a man who apologizes often. “Apology accepted. I know it sounded like I was saying I wanted out, but I just can’t see an alternative. I was upset. I shouldn’t have said that I couldn’t do this, especially when I don’t even know if I meant it.”
“I’ll tell her that I’m seeing someone and, if she feels unsafe, to call me, but I’ll make it clear that we will only be friends, and that will never change, okay?”
I nod my head against him.
“I don’t want you to feel like you’re in this alone, because you’re not. If I could fix this for you I would, and I’m going to try to, okay? I don’t want to be without you, Jo. It sounds selfish, and maybe it is, but I think I can make you happy. So don’t take yourself away from me.”
I close my eyes, letting his words hit me. “Okay,” I whisper. “I won’t.”
“No running, Jo.”
“No running,” I repeat.
He lifts my face up and kisses my lips. Then against them he says, “Now it’s time for the making-up part.”
I smile and kiss his lips.
• • •
“You’re quiet today,” Travis says to me in the car. We’re driving back to the police station after dealing with a stolen-car situation.
“Am I?” I murmur, looking from out the window to him. “I guess I’m just a little distracted.”
I’ve been thinking about how to handle the Elizabeth situation all day. Ranger said he’s going to talk to her first and see if he can handle things without it getting messy and having her get angry, so I’ll see how it goes, and then I’ll speak to her myself. I don’t know what he’s going to say. Is he going to tell her he’s seeing someone or is he going to tell her he’s seeing me? Two very different situations.
“Want to talk about it?” he asks, turning down the volume on the radio. “Is everything okay with your cousin? Or is she not settling back in well?”
“She’s actually doing pretty great,” I tell him. “She’s going back to work next week, and plans on helping other women coming out of similar situations. She’s trying to turn what happened into a positive.”
“Good on her,” Travis answers, nodding. “So if it’s got nothing to do with her, then what is it?”
I take a deep breath. “It’s nothing, really.”
“Don’t lie to me.”
“It’s not something you’re going to want to hear about, Trav,” I say, shifting on my seat. I look at the side of his face and add, “It’s not something we usually discuss, so it’s a little uncomfortable for me.”
“Is this when we have the sex talk?” he jokes, turning to look at me, blue eyes dancing with delight. “Are you finally getting laid, Jo?”
“Mature, Trav,” I grumble, looking straight ahead and wishing I never mentioned anything. “It’s not the sex part that’s an issue, it’s who it’s with.”
Might as well just tell him everything now, he’s going to annoy me until I do.
“Who is
it?”
I smack my lips together and just blurt it out. “Ranger, the biker I went and saved Elizabeth with. The same biker who happens to be someone Elizabeth loves and wants to be with, although I didn’t know that when I got involved with him. And now I’m in too deep to get out.”
He stays silent for a few moments before he explodes. “Really? A fucking biker, Jo? Have you not heard of the Wind Dragons and their reputation? They think they’re their own law! Faye is one thing—she’s a lawyer, and she’s kind of respectable. But the others?”
“Of course I’ve heard of them,” I snap, crossing my arms over my chest. “It’s not like I wanted to want him, or wanted him to want me, it just happened. He’s a nice guy, and he’s good to me. And I can’t get enough of him, so yes, I’m screwed. You asked, you pushed, and there’s the God’s honest truth!”
“Fucking hell, Jo,” he grits out, slamming his hands down on the steering wheel. “I have never even seen you with a man before, and now you’re dating a biker? How do you get into these situations? Fuck. Only you, I swear!”
“What do you mean only me? All the men in that clubhouse have women, it’s obviously not only me!” I say, pursing my lips. “I didn’t ask for this, Trav, but I wouldn’t change it either. I’ve never met anyone like him.”
“A criminal? Pretty sure you’ve met a lot of those in your time,” he mutters under his breath. I narrow my eyes on him. Ranger isn’t a criminal. Sure, he’s been arrested a few times, but he’s never done time. I should know, I checked. “This guy could ruin everything you’ve worked so hard for, Jo. Your career, your credibility, everything. Are you sure you want to go down this path?”
He’s acting like I have a choice, but I don’t.
He doesn’t understand that. I don’t think anyone does.
Ranger is made for me, and I’m made for him.
There’s nothing else to it.
“Have you ever been in love, Trav?” I ask him in a small voice.
“No,” he says quickly, and I can feel his eyes on me before going back to the road. “Are you saying you’ve fallen in love with the biker? You haven’t even known him long, Jo. You’re usually the most levelheaded woman I know, and to hear this shit coming from you . . . Wow. I did not see this coming.”
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