I'm Holding On

by Scarlet Wolfe

  I savor the moment a little longer. His broad chest makes me feel safe, and the heat we’re generating gives me the feeling we’re connected. I can’t resist planting a light kiss on his neck. I would feel like the luckiest woman if I could wake up to this every day.

  After a couple of minutes, Drew stirs.

  “Good morning,” he says.

  “Hi. I don’t know how we went from watching the movie to this, but thanks for keeping me warm.”

  “You’re welcome. I didn’t want to wake you since you had a long day.”

  “I’m afraid I’ll fall off if I move,” I say.

  “I’ll hold on to you while you drag your feet to the floor. How about that?” He holds me steady while I shift my legs and get a foot planted on the carpet. I stand and straighten my clothes while he sits up on the couch and runs his hands through his hair.

  “Um, do you mind giving me a ride home?”

  “No, I don’t mind.”

  Drew’s quiet on the way to my apartment, and I sure wish I knew what he was thinking.

  “Thanks for a fun evening,” he says after pulling up in front. “Are we still on for tonight, or are you sick of me?”

  “Of course, we’re still on. I need to visit Gram later, so will seven work?”

  “Sounds great.” Drew gives me a nervous smile before I get out of his car.

  Gram is my great-grandmother. She has raised me since I was eleven. My great-grandfather died years before, and I never knew my dad or grandpa. It was a pattern in my family for the women to date loser alcoholics. I grew up living with my mom and grandma, but they died in a freak accident, so I was left to live with Gram.

  A year and a half ago, I had to put her in a nursing home and sell our home to pay her expenses. I’ve had a lot of changes in the last few years. Drew and Andrea came into my life at the perfect time.

  Tish is my other close friend. We’ve known each other since high school. I always say she’s my polar opposite. Tish is outgoing and also more carefree. I think it’s because she has a family she can depend on. I have to be careful every minute since I’m solely responsible for my livelihood.

  ***

  I slide into the booth next to Drew at the local sports bar we frequent.

  “I forgot to tell you Andrea’s meeting us here. Do you mind?”

  “When have I ever cared?”

  “You’re right. Why do I ask?” We order beer, nachos, wings, and I’m set.

  “I want to talk to you about something later,” Drew says.

  “OK. Do you want to talk now before she gets here?”

  “No, later.”

  Andrea plops down in the seat across from us.

  “What’s up? Thanks for ordering.” She proceeds to pour herself a beer from the pitcher.

  “Nothing new. Anything with you?” I ask.

  “Restaurant work sucks. I really don’t know how you enjoy manual labor, Brynlee. I hate being on my feet all day.” She struggles at pulling her arm out of her coat sleeve.

  Andrea and I met at the restaurant where she’s a supervisor. I went in one day to sell them on my desserts, and we hit it off instantly.

  “I don’t enjoy it, but it’s part of the deal if I want to bake and be creative. I’m used to it, I guess.” I bump my shoulder against Drew’s. “Unfortunately, this guy’s mostly on his feet all day, too, since he’s a control freak and has to be in on the action.”

  “You think I’m a control freak?”

  “Yes, but it’s cute, and it’s one of the reasons you have the busiest coffee shop in all of Portland.”

  While we eat and talk with Andrea, my thigh rests against Drew’s several times, and he never moves away. I wonder what he wants to talk about.

  Andrea keeps getting calls, so Drew asks me if I want to play darts. We begin, and I can’t help but check him out in his jeans. They’re my favorite pair, and his ass is asking to be squeezed in them.

  Drew’s eyes appear even bluer than normal, too, from the long sleeve, navy t-shirt his biceps are trying to bust out of. He’s hot tonight.

  Three women walk up and start talking to him. It’s rude. Do they not see we’re in the middle of a game here? He pauses to see what they want, so I go to our booth to get a drink. Andrea is still there talking on her phone. I don’t know how she can hear a damn thing in here.

  I’m trying to accept the fact that a woman might come along and snatch Drew from me before we ever have a chance to be together. It’s only a matter of time. I’m staring at him when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and see Mark from culinary school.

  He was one of my closest male friends, but we drifted apart after graduation almost two years ago. He’s gay, but you’d never know it unless you got him talking about men.

  “Mark, it’s wonderful to see you. It’s been too long.”

  “I agree. How are you? Are you still working at that coffee shop?” Mark suddenly falls against me.

  “Yes, and you should stop in some time to try one of my pastries. You can tell me if school paid off. Looks like you’ve had a lot to drink already. What are you doing here tonight?” I keep having to stand him back up straight.

  “Nursing a broken heart. My latest broke it off this week. I thought this one was going to last but no such luck.” His glazed over eyes are filling with tears.

  “I’m sorry. Why don’t you sit down, and we can talk about it.”

  “If you’re sure. You always knew how to bring me out of a funk.” He’s trashed, and I’m curious how he plans on getting home.

  He’s ridiculously handsome, and I remember being disappointed when I found out he was gay. He has blonde hair, blue eyes and the most perfect set of teeth. I imagine he has no trouble filling his wounded heart on a regular basis.

  A Drunk Misunderstanding

  Drew

  I’m having a great time playing darts with Brynlee when three women approach us. Two of them frequent the coffee shop and strike up a conversation with me. After a few minutes, I glance back to give Bryn an apologetic look but she’s not there.

  I look to our booth and see her sitting with a dude. What the fuck? I’ve never seen this guy before. I have to turn back around since one of the women is telling me a story about having to take coffee to her boss every morning. Like I care about her difficult boss.

  All three of them are attractive, but I had a plan in place for tonight, and it’s quickly coming apart. I felt Brynlee kiss my neck this morning, and it’s all I’ve been able to think about today, so I’ve intended on telling her tonight that I want more.

  I take another glimpse back at our booth and see Brynlee rubbing this guy’s back. Who is he? I’ve never seen her this forward with a guy before. About ten minutes later, when I finally get away from the three women, I go back to our booth.

  Brynlee and the man are nowhere to be found. Andrea is there, but she’s on her damn phone. I slide into the booth and wait for her to hang up.

  “Where’s Bryn?”

  “She left with some guy. I’m sorry. I was on the phone the whole time he was at the table. I heard something about crying over relationships,” she says, digging in her purse.

  “Brynlee was comforting him for some reason. Oh, and they attended culinary school together.”

  “Thanks. I’m heading out then.”

  “OK, I think I’ll go, too.”

  “Listen, would you mind texting me when Bryn gets in tonight? I don’t want to bother her if she’s with someone, but I worry about her getting home safely.”

  “Sure thing. I’m glad she has you to look out for her. You two should be together. You’d make a great couple, and just so you know, I don’t think Bryn would argue that.”

  “Please text me when she gets home.” What did she mean by that? Has Bryn mentioned liking me? I leave the bar irate. She’s never left me anywhere without saying goodbye, and she’s never left with a guy.

  Brynlee has only had sex once, and it was a bad experience for her. I
don’t want her getting hurt again. I shouldn’t have waited so long to tell her how I feel.

  Brynlee

  Mark is so trashed that he no sooner sits down before he’s telling me he thinks he might get sick. Andrea is still taking a call, and I see Drew still chatting it up with the ladies. I can’t believe he’d talk to them this long.

  “Mark, why don’t I take you home? You’re in no shape to drive, and I don’t think you should be in a cab. You might get sick, and it would be disastrous.”

  “If you don’t mind. I really need to get out of here.”

  I’ve never left Drew without saying goodbye, but this can’t wait, and he’s being rude and so is Andrea. I help Mark to his car and get in the driver seat.

  “If you think you’re going to puke, please tell me, and I’ll pull over.”

  “OK, just go, honey.”

  Yeah, he’s going to get sick. I don’t even get a mile down the road before I’m pulling over. I have to do this twice before I get to his house.

  I help him up the stairs as he fumbles with his keys. The next thing I know, he’s hurling in the bushes. I snatch his keys from him and finally find the one to his door. This night went from promising to a cluster fuck.

  Once inside, I lead him to the couch. He’s too heavy leaning on me to get him any farther. I find his bathroom and grab a small garbage can. He begins crying as I set it on the floor next to him. Really? I can’t leave him like this.

  “Mark, where are some blankets?”

  “The closet in the hallway,” he manages to get out between cries. I go and gather a couple of blankets. After I cover him up and sit next to him for a few minutes, rubbing his back, I tell him to try to sleep.

  I get in his recliner, and this shows that you never know how your day is going to go. I feel guilty for leaving Drew, so I get my phone out of my pocket and send him a text.

  Me: Sorry I bailed, but I ran into a guy from college. I’m at his place. Long story. I figured you wouldn’t care since you were busy chatting it up with those women.

  That was probably mean of me, but maybe it’s time to hint that I’m a little jealous. He quickly responds.

  Drew: Sorry. I tried to get away, but you sure didn’t waste any time leaving. See you Monday.

  Well, that was definitely short. I guess he’s pissed I didn’t say goodbye. He’s probably worried I’ll be slashed by a serial killer, or maybe he thinks I had too much to drink, which I didn’t.

  I had one glass from that damn pitcher. Anyway, I need to sleep, so I can get the hell out of here in the morning.

  Drew

  This is my worst nightmare come true. I barely slept throughout the night as I waited to hear from Andrea. I kept glancing at my phone in case I missed her text while dozing off but no, it’s nine fucking o’clock in the morning, and I just got a text saying that Brynlee finally made it home.

  I’m disappointed in her, too. I can’t believe she’d go home with someone from the bar whether she knows the dude or not. She’s never mentioned talking to any guys from college.

  If she was close to him, I’d know about it. We tell each other almost everything, but I didn’t tell her the most important thing.

  Brynlee

  It’s Monday morning, and I’m actually at work by six thirty. I go right to the kitchen and get to it. I have a nervous energy today. I think it’s because Drew and I had our first exchange of words that didn’t come across pleasant.

  The morning flies by and it’s noon. This is the first time I can ever remember Drew not speaking to me by now. I know he’s out there; I peeked a couple of times.

  I’m going to have to approach him, so I walk out and see him talking to a customer. I wait behind the end of the counter until he’s finished.

  “Can we talk?” I ask. I wipe my face with the back of my hand. I didn’t even wash them before I came out. He has me frazzled. I turn, and he follows me into the kitchen.

  Drew

  I had a feeling she’d come find me since I haven’t spoken to her yet. I follow her into the kitchen, and I’m nervous. I don’t know what I should even say. I mean, it really doesn’t matter at this point.

  “What do you need, Brynlee?”

  “Cut the crap, Drew. What’s up?”

  “Nothing’s up.”

  “Bullshit. I’m sorry I mentioned those women in the text. I was frustrated because they interrupted our game and wouldn’t leave, but I shouldn’t have said anything about it.”

  “It’s fine, Bryn. I was worried about you getting home.”

  “I figured you were worried a psychopath might’ve abducted me.” She smiles faintly, but I can’t find it funny for the first time ever. All I see is her being with someone else.

  “I promise I didn’t drink and drive. Andrea was the one doing all the drinking, and I said I’m sorry about mentioning the women. I mean, I’m probably hindering your chances of finding someone when you always have me by your side.”

  “What are you trying to say? Are you not wanting to hang out any more?”

  “I can’t believe you think I’d want that.” She looks surprised and hurt. “I stayed with a guy from college. Trust me, I was perfectly safe, but I know I should’ve told you I was going home with him. Maybe it’s best we drop the whole thing. I just wanted to apologize. Now, stop acting like I’m not here today.”

  She’s searching my eyes, and I know she wants to see that we’re cool. As usual, she has powdered sugar on her nose. I can’t be angry at her. I’m hurt, but I have no one but myself to blame. “We’re fine, Brynlee. Let’s forget it ever happened.”

  “What were you wanting to talk to me about the other night?” she asks.

  “Um, it’s nothing. Everything’s good.”

  She gives me that smile that normally makes everything better, but it hurts this time since I probably won’t be seeing it forever. I grab her and hug her hard. I feel like I’m telling her goodbye, and in a way I am.

  Even if she never sees this guy again, her leaving with him and obviously not wanting to share the details with me show that we’re not on the same page. She even mentioned me finding someone else.

  “You realize you’re going to be covered in flour and sugar,” she says as I hug her.

  “It won’t be the first time so hug me back.”

  She does, and I don’t want to ever let go.

  Old Friend, New Flame

  Three Months Later

  Brynlee

  The sun is shining bright when I approach the doors of the shop. It’s May, and I’m thrilled that it’s finally warming up a little. I ride the streetcar or bus every day, so it can make for a chilly trip.

  Drew isn’t in this morning and it’s strange. It seems he’s been working a different schedule lately, and I can’t help but think it’s to avoid me. We still spend time together but not as often.

  He comes into the kitchen about half as much as he used to. He’s still always pleasant, and we share a lot when we do talk, but I can tell he’s pulling away. Ever since that night at the bar, when I took Mark home, things have seemed off.

  I did tell him that having me by his side probably hurt his chances of finding someone. Maybe it was an aha moment for him. The way he’s pulled away shows we don’t share the same feelings.

  The kitchen door swings open and Tish walks in.

  “Hi, chickadee,” she says enthusiastically.

  “Hi, Tish.”

  “Where’s my eye candy? Is he still MIA?”

  “Yes, and I’m tired of it. I don’t know what went wrong.” I stop what I’m doing and dust off my hands before I hand Tish a brownie. She expects it like a dog expects a treat.

  Her blonde hair is laying perfectly, and her makeup is on thick in true Tish fashion. Only someone as gorgeous as she could pull off her short hair style. Tish is a beautician, and she definitely has the personality for it.

  “You need to go for it, Bryn. If he’s already distancing himself, then what do you have to lose?�
�

  “True. I didn’t think about it like that. I guess I could tell him how much I like him and see what happens.”

  “Do it. I’ve been listening to you cry about this for over two years. I’ve seen the way he looks at you, and I think he feels the same.”

  “Actually, It’s been two years and three months since I met him. OK, I’ll do it.”

  “Fabulous. Let me know what happens. I have to head out. I have a steamy date tonight. This one is a banker, and he has awesome hair, so wish me luck.” Tish winks before she kisses my cheek and blows out of here like the wind.

  I text Drew before I finish up my work day to see if he wants to get together. I also mention that there’s something I need to speak to him about. This is it. I’m going to make my move and tell him how much I like him.

  The courage I’ve built up is deflated when he replies that he’s spending the evening catching up with a friend. The old Drew wouldn’t have hesitated to ask me to join them. I decide to call Andrea.

  “Hello,” she says.

  “It’s your favorite roommate.”

  “Of course, doll. Even if we had more, you’d still be my favorite. What’s up?”

  “Can we have a girl’s night? I’ll buy the alcohol. I need to share something with you.”

  “Oooh, I hope it’s about a man.”

  “It is, actually. I’ll grab wine and head home.”

  I end the call and head to the liquor store. I’m taking forever as I check out the wines, trying to find something different. I’m all about change today so why not? Maybe I’ll get bombed and drunk text Drew how much I like him.

  “You know, I find that you can’t go wrong with beer.”

  I look next to me and see the most striking green eyes staring back. This guy is … wow … there are not words to describe his hotness, so I smile at him.