I'm Holding On

by Scarlet Wolfe

  “Thank you for stepping in when I couldn’t. I’d feel even worse if you hadn’t been here for her.”

  Drew pulls her into a hug and kisses the top of her head. I have to look away. They have a stronger friendship than I even imagined. She hasn’t been here as much because she’s been making time for me.

  A Sad Realization

  Drew

  This is one fucked up situation. Ian and I are taking turns comforting Bryn, and I can see that she really cares for him. I have my arm around her, and she’s resting her head against me as Gram’s breathing gets slower. I’ve been watching her heart rate drop on the monitor, and I’m not sure if Bryn has noticed.

  A couple of nurses come in. One stands near Ian while the other messes with the monitor. She turns around and eyes Brynlee with a sympathetic look. I scan the screen and see the heart rate at twenty-one. There it goes … there she goes.

  The nurse shuts it off as soon as it hits zero and makes noise. Ian is up and walking over to the bed. He stays on the other side, and as much as I don’t want to look at him, I need to see his face. I know him well, and I need to see that he truly cares for her if I might have to let her go.

  The three of us and the two nurses watch Gram take her last breath. I glance up and see Ian watching Bryn. He has tears in his eyes. She’s clinging to me, but it might only be because of our friendship and the relationship I’ve formed with Gram. I don’t know if it means anything more.

  She buries her face against my chest, sobbing hard. I hold her tight and let her cry. What else can I do? After several minutes, she lets go and speaks to the nurses about which funeral home to call. Then she goes to Ian.

  Brynlee

  My Gram is gone, and I’m officially without any family. Ian’s been very kind, giving Drew the space to grieve with me. I wrap my arms around his waist.

  “Thank you for staying here. I know it isn’t easy.”

  “Don’t worry about me. Do you need money for her funeral? I’d like to help.”

  He’s a remarkable human being. I feel the tears coming again, and I don’t know how there are any left to shed. “It’s taken care of, and I won’t be doing much since we have no other family.”

  “You deserve a big family to call your own, sweet girl.” He runs his knuckle down my cheek.

  “Would you be upset if Drew takes me home? We need to discuss work and a few other things relating to Gram.”

  He cups my face with both hands.

  “Please call me if you need me, and let me know how you’re doing in the morning. I can take off work.”

  “No, you just started. I’ll be fine, and I’ll call you in the morning.”

  “Remember, Brynlee, I love you.” He kisses my forehead and leaves. There’s that feeling again. I recognize it now.

  I wanted to know if Drew loved me romantically before I made my decision, but I can’t ask him, so I begin sobbing again, burying my face in my hands. This time it’s because I finally know what I want to do. I’ve made my decision.

  Drew

  Brynlee seems more upset since Ian spoke to her. I don’t know what he said, but it’s pissing me off. She’s quiet all the way to her apartment.

  “Bryn, are you OK?”

  “No. I’m not,” she answers snippily.

  “I’m sorry. That’s a dumb question. Is there anything I can do?”

  “No, Drew. You’re an awesome friend. Thank you for taking care of Gram and for everything else you do for me.” She’s staring out the window into the darkness.

  I take her hand. “Hey, I know you well. Something’s bothering you besides Gram. Did Ian say something to upset you?”

  She lets out a short laugh. Not the ‘ha ha’ funny kind, either. She’s really pissed off right now. Maybe she’s only angry about Gram.”

  “No, he didn’t say anything wrong.”

  “I can tell you’re angry and maybe want to be alone, but I can’t stand the thought of leaving you.”

  “I’ll be fine. Andrea’s there if I need anything.”

  “Please, Bryn. Please let me stay with you. I swear I’ll just lie next to you, and I won’t touch you unless you want me to.”

  “No. I said I want to be alone. I was going to talk to you about work, but can we discuss it tomorrow?”

  “Yes. You’re staying home, right?”

  “I have to go to the funeral home.”

  “Will you at least let me take you there?”

  “I guess that’s one thing friends are for.”

  I put the car in park and turn to her.

  “Have I somehow pissed you off?”

  “I’m angry at the world. I’ll call you after I phone the funeral home.” She gets out of the car, and I’m kind of stunned. Something else is definitely wrong.

  Brynlee

  I hang up the phone, and Andrea looks at me with raised brows.

  “That wasn’t awkward or anything,” she says.

  “What?”

  “Listening to those conversations. You telling them both that you don’t need their help today.” She pulls one leg up under her bottom before she sits down on the couch with her cup of coffee. Andrea’s taking me to the funeral home.

  Even when Ian and Drew think they’re not pressuring me, they usually are. Ian said those three little yet monumental words first, and I was angry at Drew last night for not having said them.

  I don’t know if I can trust my feelings right now since I’ve lost Gram. I don’t want my erratic emotions and feelings of abandonment swaying my decision. My phone buzzes, and I see I have a message from Drew.

  Drew: I know you’re trying to shut me out, and I want to know why? If you’re picking him, it doesn’t change the friendship I’ve had with you and Gram. I know you need me right now. Please let me be there for you.

  I read the message to Andrea. “They are both driving me bonkers, yet I don’t want to let either of them go.”

  “I think you’re in love with Drew.”

  “Does he love me back? He told me he wanted me after he saw me with Ian. Sure, I believe he likes me as more than a friend, but has he gotten carried away by jealousy? Our chemistry is unreal, and he’s proved what a dependable friend he is time and time again, but those don’t equate to being in love.”

  “That boy is in love with you, Brynlee. I’ve seen it on his face.”

  “What if he only thinks he is? Honestly, maybe he isn’t even thinking it. He hasn’t said it, even at moments when he seemed so desperate for me.”

  “Look, I think you need to worry about you today. Let’s go get this over with, and then we’ll have lunch and go shopping. We’ll get you a pretty outfit.”

  “You’re right. As sad as it is that it’s over a funeral, you and I are way overdue for girl time. Ian and Drew’s fight for alpha male is wearing me down.”

  ***

  I get home from a long day out with Andrea, and I’m exhausted. I’d intended on working half a day, but it was a needed day off and a much needed break from the guys. If I’d gone to work, Drew would’ve hovered, but now I’m feeling guilty.

  He suffered a loss, too. He was close to her because of me, and it hits home that maybe he needs some comfort. I decide to text him.

  Me: Hi. Sorry I haven’t been there for you today. I’m home now. If you need to talk, you can come over.

  Drew: Fi

  nally. Thank you. Be there soon.

  A Day for Goodbye’s

  Drew

  Brynlee opens the door and gives me a faint smile. I grab her, hugging her tight. It’s pathetic how lost I am without her. “I’ve missed you, sweetheart.”

  “I’m sorry. I needed some time with Andrea.”

  I follow her to the couch, and after hugging her, all I want to do is touch her. She sits down, but I’m on her in an instant, pushing her over. I’m on top of her, probing her mouth with my greedy tongue. She responds almost urgently, kissing me back deeply. I raise up and go to pull her shirt off, but she stops me. />
  “No, Drew. Andrea’s in her room.”

  “Then let’s go to yours.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” She yanks her shirt farther down and sits up.

  I run my hands through my hair and blow out a breath. “I’m sorry. I can’t get close enough to you. Let me take your mind off of what’s happened. Let me make you feel better,” I say, kissing her neck.

  “I think that’s what you need to take your mind off of Gram, but I can’t, Drew. You and Ian wanting to attack me every time you see me is too much. I should’ve never done anything with either of you.”

  “I don’t want to think of you doing anything with him, but don’t feel guilty over what we’ve done physically. You needed to see that we could have more than a friendship.”

  “You told me you liked me after you found out about Ian. Are you sure you’re not just afraid you’re going to lose me as a friend?”

  “Really? We need to have this conversation again? How can you question how much I want you? I’ve told you many times that I had planned to tell you before I saw you out with him. There were countless times I tried.” I stand up, furious that we’re rehashing this.

  “Maybe you only want a friendship with me, Brynlee. I don’t know what else you want me to do to show you I want more. I want to make love to you. I want to fuck your brains out. Is that what you need to hear? I want you, Brynlee. I want all of you. I’ve never thought of you as only a friend.”

  She stares at me without a word as tears fill her eyes. I squat down in front of her and take her face into my hands. “What more do you want me to say, sugar? Don’t try to spare my feelings by dragging this out longer. If you don’t want me, then say so because I’m never going to tell you to let me go.”

  I walk out of her apartment, wishing I knew what the hell she wants. I can’t take much more of this.

  Brynlee

  I haven’t spoken to Drew since he left my apartment two days ago. I’ve been off work since, and I’m going to lose a lot of money this week, but I couldn’t go in. I’m depressed and heartbroken.

  I don’t know if Drew doesn’t want to say those words until he has me or if he doesn’t love me. Does he even realize he’s said everything but those words?

  I wouldn’t expect him to say it first in a normal relationship, but nothing about this is normal. The fact that Ian said it makes this different. I have to know Drew voluntarily feels it and wants to say it.

  I’m in the bathroom of the funeral home, staring into the mirror. My Gram was embalmed so I could have a visitation, and then she’ll be cremated. This is how she wanted it, so I’m following her wishes. I hate that we’re not having a service, but she was adamantly against it since we have so few people in our lives.

  Ian texted me that his family was coming to pay their respects. Besides his brother, his family thinks I work with Drew. It should be loads of fun having them here with the Clarks. If Ian and Drew keep at it, they’ll send me to an early grave and won’t need to fight over me.

  I’m wearing a black pencil skirt and suit jacket over a pale pink blouse. My grandmother loved pink. I look dressed for the office, but I guess that’s about right for a funeral home. I exit the bathroom and almost run into Drew.

  “Hi,” I say.

  He hugs me and kisses the top of my head. “I’m sorry about the other night. I shouldn’t have behaved that way when you just lost Gram.”

  “It’s fine, Drew.” I wipe my nose with a tissue. “Listen, Ian and his entire family will be here soon. Besides Isaac, they think I only work with you. Please, can you not tell them otherwise? They think Ian and I are dating exclusively. I know it isn’t fair, but I can’t take any more conflict right now.”

  “Alright, fine, but remember what I said the other night. Tell me if Ian is who you truly want.”

  “That’s not what I said, Drew. He didn’t want his family thinking poorly of me, so he didn’t tell them about you. What am I supposed to do, tell them here?” I ask, snapping at him.

  I see Mr. Clark coming toward us.

  “Brynlee. The funeral director is looking for you. He said you can go in now to see your grandmother.”

  Drew sighs heavily and takes my hand.

  “I’m sorry, Bryn, let’s go.”

  We enter the room and approach the casket. Gram’s wearing a pink dress, and her white hair looks like silk. I break down again, and Drew holds me up. I wrap my arms around his waist and rest my head against his chest.

  I’m not blind or unappreciative. I know this is love right here, but is he in love with me? Is it the kind where he’ll want to make love to me in any city, state or country? I feel a warmth thinking of Ian’s sweet yet exciting words.

  “Brynlee.” I hear Ian say my name. I go to him and wrap my arms around his neck before hugging him and feeling like a cheater. I can hear his family talking to Drew in the background, but I don’t let Ian go. He finally pulls away and lifts my chin.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t get here sooner. I was trying, but my family held me up.”

  “It’s OK.”

  “No, it’s not. You need to feel you can count on me.”

  “I do feel that way, Ian.”

  He holds me while we look at Gram. I tell him a few stories about her, and he somehow lifts my spirits.

  “I need to use the restroom. I’ll be back in a few minutes,” I say.

  I straighten myself up and get some new tissues. When I come out, Isaac is standing there.

  “Brynlee, I’m very sorry for your loss.”

  “Thanks, Isaac.”

  “Can I speak with you for a minute?”

  “I guess so.” This is awkward. We find a bench that is more secluded and take a seat.

  “I hate doing this here, but I won’t have another opportunity, and I feel it can’t wait.”

  “What’s wrong?” I ask.

  He unbuttons his suit jacket and loosens his tie a little. “Look, I may be a guy, but because of my job, I’m pretty good at reading people and their emotions. I deal with truth every day.”

  “What are you getting at, Isaac? I shouldn’t stay out here long. Just say whatever it is.”

  “I don’t want my brother hurting.”

  “I haven’t meant to cause him any pain. I never intended for any of this to happen.”

  “I know. He told me the whole story, and I don’t fault you, but like I said, I don’t want him getting hurt. Your heart belongs to someone else, so you need to tell him.”

  “What makes you think that?”

  “I saw the worry you had for Drew last week at the restaurant, and I saw the way you were clinging to him when we got here. Ian told me you and Drew are best friends.” He cocks his head and holds his hand out.

  “Come on, your best friend you’ve liked for over two years who shares the same feelings opposed to a guy you just met. From the story my brother told me, he never stood a chance. He just didn’t want to see it. He loves you.”

  “I know. He’s told me.”

  “He has?”

  “Yes.” I blow my nose again. Isaac has a lot of nerve.

  “Then don’t drag this out any longer. For one, he’s worked too hard to end up with a criminal record for assaulting Drew.

  “Tell him before he gets any closer to you. This is already going to kill him, but I want to know he’ll have a heart left to give away someday. Don’t ruin him forever.” Isaac takes my hand.

  “You’re a sweet girl, but honestly, you and Drew are a better fit. I mean, you and Ian haven’t exactly grown up in the same environment. I doubt you have similar futures in mind.”

  Getting what he’s insinuating, I yank my hand away.

  “I think it’s admirable that you’re looking out for your baby brother, but he’s a grown man. I’ve already made my decision, and he’ll know it soon enough.” I get up and hurry away. Asshole.

  My Sweet Girl

  Ian

  Brynlee’s been gone awhile when I see h
er come back into the room. What worries me is that Isaac came in right behind her, and she appears upset. I excuse myself from the Clarks, who I’ve been catching up with. This whole situation is uncomfortable.

  “Hi, sweet girl. Are you OK?” I pull her into a hug and see Drew glaring from across the room. He has to be furious. My family thinks Brynlee and I are dating, so I imagine it’s been up for discussion this evening.

  “I’m fine. Listen, is there any way you could take me home later?”

  “Absolutely. Did Isaac say something to you?”

  “Um, yes, he told me he was sorry for my loss.”

  “It’s hard to believe that’s all he said.”

  She looks up at me, and I can see that she doesn’t want to discuss it. “It’s fine, Ian. You have a family that really loves you.”

  “I’m sorry. Isaac is worried about me ruining my career, and he doesn’t want to see me hurt. I’m sure if he came across as an ass, he didn’t mean to.”

  “I need to talk with some friends from work and tell the Clarks bye.” I see the sadness as she gives me a kiss, and I don’t think it’s all for Gram. I might have to hurt my brother.

  ***

  I drive Brynlee back to her apartment. She looks tired and stressed, and she’s not going to have a bottom lip left if she doesn’t stop chewing on it.

  “You know, I’d happily chew on that lip for you.”

  She stops and looks over at me. “Sorry.”

  “What for?”

  “All of this. Everything.”

  “I’m not sorry. I’m with you.” We park and go inside, and I’m getting a very unsettled feeling.

  “I need to change. Do you mind waiting on the couch?”

  “No problem.”

  She comes back out in a pair of thin pajama shorts and a tank top that is making it difficult for me to look at anything else. Sitting down right next to me, she takes my hand, and tears fill those potent, brown eyes.