by K E Osborn
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
I nod my head with a sigh and she walks out of the room. I lie down on my bed; bury my head in my pillow thinking how stupid I’ve been. I decide to call my Mum. I meant to, anyway. I pull out my cell from my jeans pocket and dial home without thinking or checking the time difference. It rings a few times and then my Mum picks up.
“Katerina is everything alright?” Mum asks in a sleepy voice.
“Yes Mum. I’m fine. Sorry, did I wake you?”
I look over at the clock, it's eleven o’clock in the morning here.
“Yes. It’s three-thirty in the morning sweetheart,” she says with a yawn.
“Oh crap. Mum, I’m sorry. I didn’t even think to check the time difference before I rang.”
“It’s fine sweetheart. How’s America treating you?”
I feel like I want to cry.
Crap!
Shit!
Balls! I really didn’t think this through.
America is treating me like crap so far. Well, I guess that’s unfair, it’s actually pretty good except for Will frickin’ Sanders.
“It’s great Mum. My roommates are really nice in fact Charlie is quickly becoming the best friend I have here, you’d love her. My classes have more than exceeded my expectations. So yeah, all round, it’s been great. I’m going to go and let you get back to sleep. Sorry for waking you Mum. Can you tell Dad, I said hi.”
“Okay, sweetheart, talk to you real soon,” she says through another yawn.
“Okay. Thanks Mum, love you.”
“Love you too, sweetheart.”
I hang up my cell and sit on my bed when I hear a knock at the front door. I can hear Brooke talking to someone, and although it’s muffled I can make out what’s being said.
“How’d you find out where we live?” she asks sparking my interest.
I quickly get changed as the conversation continues.
“Charlie told me last night,” I hear a man’s voice.
Crap!
I hope that’s not who I think it is. I finish getting dressed and open the door to walk out.
“Well, I don’t think Kat wants to see you Will,” I hear her say.
Mega crap. He’s here!
“What? Why?” I hear him ask.
I walk out to see Will and Olsen standing in the doorway in their Arizona Cardinals jerseys. Will spots me and his eyes light up. I feel that undeniable spark surge through my body and straight down to my core, pulling me to him. I look away and I think he can tell that I’m more than a little pissed.
“Will, I think you should go,” Brooke says.
He looks over at me and I realize I need to speak to him.
“Brooke its okay,” I whisper.
She stands aside for the guys to come in. Charlie runs out of the bathroom and jumps on Olsen. He catches her as she wraps her legs around his waist. He laughs and she leans in for a kiss. Will makes his way toward me and I feel sicker with every step he takes. My stomach churns and my conscience reminds me he doesn’t want me. He reaches me and I can’t look at him. He takes my arm in his and leads me to my room. I don’t say anything and walk with him in silence.
“Okay, Kat, spill. Why is Brooke saying that you don’t want to see me? Did I do something?” he asks, sounding hurt.
I look toward the floor. I can’t look him in the eyes; I know if I do I’ll crumble. He moves a piece of hair from my face and he gestures for us to sit.
“No you didn’t do anything. It’s me.”
“Oh, the old, it’s not you, it’s me explanation,” he says trying to make me laugh. “Kat talk to me. What’s wrong?” he asks, looking at me with his eyebrows furrowed.
“I… I feel like a slut. I slept with you the first chance I got.”
“Kat, you are anything but a slut,” he says shaking his head.
“Maybe, but I feel like one,” I affirm while he takes my hand in his and entwines our fingers.
“Kat, I’m sorry I made you feel that way about yourself. You certainly shouldn’t be feeling like that. We didn’t do anything wrong and if it makes you this unhappy then we won’t do it again. If that’s what you want?” he asks with saddened eyes.
“I don’t know what I want,” I reply lying to him. I want him to want me, but he doesn’t. All he wants is what’s between my legs. “Dan said you have women coming and going every second day at your place. I don’t want to be one of them.”
He sighs. “Well, yes that’s true, I did have women coming and going until I met you. Then it stopped. I’ve only been with you since, I don’t want anyone but you Kat,” he says.
“What about next week? I’ll be a memory, just one of your many conquests that knock on your door,” I argue in a harsh tone.
“No, Kat, next week there’ll still only be you. And the week after that. And the week after that. And the week after that. Kat, I don’t want to sleep with anyone but you.”
How can he be so sweet and yet so moronic at the same time?
“Will, you say you want to sleep with only me and no one else. That sounds like a relationship to me,” I say making him sigh.
“I told you I don’t do the relationship thing, but I want to be sexually monogamous with you. That’s what I want. I don’t want anyone to have you except me.”
“So you expect me to be fine with that. Being your monogamous fuck buddy, but not being your monogamous girlfriend. I don’t see much of a difference,” I hiss with a whole lot of sarcasm in my voice.
“Kat, it’s either that or it’s nothing. I don’t like the term fuck buddy. I think we should be ‘friends with benefits’,” he replies in a pissed off tone.
I don’t get it. He wants me and doesn’t want anyone else to have me, but he won’t put a label on us other than ‘friends with benefits’. I don’t think I can do this.
“Will, I like you and for me just being your friend isn’t something I can do,” I say honestly.
He looks at me with disappointed eyes and then he looks around the room like he’s looking for some sort of inspiration to hit him.
“Kat, I… ”
“It’s fine Will. Don’t make this harder than it is.” My heart sinks in my chest and desperation fills my head. I stand and walk toward the door. He huffs, stands and walks behind me out to the kitchen where Brooke, Charlie and Olsen are sitting at the table.
“Will, you look like shit dude,” Olsen says.
I gulp a lump down my throat and Will shakes his head.
“C’mon lets go,” Will commands and he heads for the door. He turns back to take one last look at me. He’s hurting as much as I am and it doesn’t make any sense.
If he likes me then why’s he being so persistent about not being together?
I realize this is the last time I’ll talk to him and I suddenly feel emotional. He stares at me and my bottom lip quivers and a single tear runs down my cheek. He sighs and takes a step forward and then back. He looks like he’s fighting with his emotions, but he says nothing while we all stand there in an awkward silence.
“Goodbye Will,” I stammer and I turn toward my room.
“Bye Kat,” he calls out as I shut the door behind me. I make my way to my bed and let my tears flow freely.
“I don’t know what’s going on with you two, but I think you shouldn’t come around again for a while,” I hear Charlie say.
“I know I won’t. Please tell her I’m sorry,” he apologizes.
“See ya, babe,” Charlie calls out.
“See ya,” Olsen replies as I hear the door click shut.
I realize Will Sanders is now officially out of my life as quickly as he came into it.
Chapter Five
~ WILL ~
I walk away from Kat’s door feeling numb. Olsen slaps me on the back hard.
“Sorry that didn’t turn out for you dude,” he says while we walk back to our house.
I don’t say anything. I feel like shit and because of my stubbornness I’v
e now lost Kat for good. Maybe I should run back and admit that I do want the whole relationship thing.
Would it be so bad?
“You did the right thing dude. She was a stage five clinger.”
Fuck, I just want to punch him in his butt ugly face, but I ignore him and keep walking. I have this sinking feeling, I haven’t ever felt before and it’s like there’s an impending doom or something. I don’t like it and I need to go for a run to ease the tension. I start to jog. Olsen looks at me with raised eyebrows and jogs to catch up.
“Why are we running dude?” he asks when he reaches my side.
I don’t say anything and just keep running, but pick up speed; he slows down and walks back to the house. I run straight past and continue to push myself. I’m not dressed for this as I’m still in my jeans and football jersey. I run through the park on the campus and then begin to run laps. As I jog around the park I run through the options in my head.
Option one… I leave things how they are and forget about her.
That’s not a great option but one I need to consider.
Option two… hope that she comes around and wants to be in a monogamous sexual relationship with me.
Or, option three… I stop being the tough guy and let her in to be my first ‘real’ relationship since Rebecca. If I go with this option, I’ll know she’ll be mine and no one else’s. I can’t stand the thought of her being with another man. It pisses me off just thinking about it.
Rebecca was my first love. We met when I was sixteen and we were together for almost two years. I was ready to marry her, even though we were both very young. I wanted to commit to a life with her, but she said no, and then to make matters worse, she dumped me for Adam Watts the quarterback of our high school football team. I was shattered and ever since I’ve sworn off being ‘in a relationship’ with anyone.
Fuck option one, it’s making crazy, so I think we can forget about that. Option three takes me out of my comfort zone; it’s against everything I’ve ever done since Rebecca. So looks like I have to work on option two by trying to make her see it from my point of view. I think I can do this, and I know how. I run fast to the vocals room and hope to catch our vocals coach. When I arrive, I see her playing the piano as I burst through the door. I stop and place my hands on my knees trying to catch my breath.
“Will, are you alright?” she asks, walking toward me.
I nod and continue to breathe heavily.
“Can I get you a glass of water?”
I nod; she fetches it and I drink the entire contents in one go.
“Now, what can I help you with?”
I take a seat on the sofa and turn toward her. “Liz I need a favor? You know the new girl Kat?”
She nods her head. “The cute Australian girl?”
“Yeah, I have to be paired with her for the duets task,” I plead.
“You have to, do you?”
“C’mon Mom, please?”
She sighs and nods her head. “She must be special if you have to be paired with her.”
“She is Mom; I need to fix things with her.”
“Okay, but you can’t tell anyone. It’ll look like I’m playing favorites,” she advises with a wink.
“No-one knows that you’re my Mother.”
“Yes, but they can easily find out. So I’ll do it if you keep your mouth shut.”
“Thanks Mom… um Liz.”
She smiles and I nod, giving her hand a squeeze and then I walk back towards the house. I feel better knowing that Kat will be forced to talk to me; hopefully I can make her understand that I do like her. I just need her in a different way than she’s used to. I arrive at our house to find Olsen watching the game and Dan sitting on his computer.
“Dude, what's up? You seem a little… weird,” Olsen calls out.
“Nothing. Just needed some time to think.”
“She’s really gotten to you hasn’t she?” Dan asks.
“A girl, getting to Will? What the fuck? Has Hell frozen over?” Olsen questions.
“Nah, I told her how it was. She didn’t like it. So that’s that.”
I walk to the kitchen in search of something to eat.
“Hey, we ordered pizza and wings if you’re hungry,” Olsen yells.
I nod my head, shut the fridge door and take a seat between Olsen and Dan and I turn my attention to the football. We’re playing the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field. It’s going to be a great game. The pizza arrives and we dig in. Then I hear a knock at the door. Olsen and Dan look at me.
“Not it,” they both say in unison.
I huff and get up to answer the door. Charlie is standing there with Brooke.
Hmm, this will be interesting. Will Olsen choose a female over football?
Guess I’m about to find out.
“Hey ladies. Where’s Kat?” I ask trying to sound blasé.
“She’s at home with V,” Brooke answers. I nod my head.
“Basically, if you want the truth, she didn’t want to see you,” Charlie berates.
I huff. “Yeah… I know.” I feel fucking deflated.
“Wow! You almost sounded hurt then. Great acting, Will. I’m impressed,” Charlie rubs it in, and then she pushes me out of the way and walks into the living room.
I move aside for Brooke to walk in.
“I know,” she whispers as she walks past.
“You know what?” I ask raising my eyebrows and my chest tightens in confusion.
“I know that you want to be with her, but you’re worried about what stupid Olsen will think. You know it’s a guy thing.”
“Oh really, is that right?”
“It’s okay. It can be our little secret.” She winks and walks past me into the living room.
Maybe, she’s right. Maybe I am holding back because of what the guys will think. Not sure that the serial single can have a monogamous relationship.
Should I really be throwing away my one chance with Kat to keep up with my renowned reputation?
I’m so torn. I honestly want Kat and I can see myself with her.
So why am I sabotaging everything?
Is it because I think I don’t deserve someone with her kind heart and pureness? I’m fighting the feeling of wanting Kat to be mine because I can’t stand the thought of another man touching her.
I walk back to the living room where the sofa is now occupied by the two couples, I know they’re not official couples but it sure seems they’re heading that way. I sigh and make my way over to the single seat where we sat last night. It’s unbelievable how something can turn from amazing to non-existent in a matter of a few hours. I sit not paying attention to the game. Everyone else seems really into it. I’m a little surprised I would’ve thought the girls wouldn’t be into football.
The Cardinals won the game and everyone is celebrating, but I feel miserable and it takes every ounce of energy I have not to go over and see her, be with her, touch her, and feel her gorgeous body close to mine. I start to wonder what she’s doing in this moment.
Is she thinking of me or is she completely over it and I don’t even register in her thoughts?
Fuck I hate this!
Why is she so intoxicating?
Life was fine before she entered it. I was happy with where my life was heading and now I’m miserable and pining for a woman I can’t have.
But I could have her... If I let my guard down… fuck!
I know she wants me, but to be honest, I don’t think I could go through the pain of her leaving me. I did that with Rebecca and I can’t go through that pain again. I’m a love ‘em and leave ‘em kinda guy.
So, why do I feel this overwhelming desire for her to be mine?
No-one here except Mom knows about Rebecca and that’s how I want it to stay. I don’t need people feeling sorry for me over some fucking school boy crush. It was much more than a crush for me, but to her that’s all it was.
I notice Brooke eyeing me along with Dan. I gaze over at them
and half smile. She smiles back and then turns and whispers something to Dan, who nods and then looks at me.
Can you make it any more obvious that you’re talking about me guys?
I decide I’ve had enough and I get up and walk to my room. I see Grandma’s crystal rose on the pillow and for a brief second I feel happy, but then I remember. I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I can smell her; her beautiful scent is all over my pillow, reminding me of what I’ve lost. This is torture. Then there’s a knock on my door.
“Come in,” I say.
Dan and Brooke enter.
“Hi guys. What’s up?”
“I know this isn’t really my place to say, but you look terrible and I know Kat is miserable too. If you feel the same way, then you must know deep down that being apart is wrong,” Brooke says. They take a seat on the edge of my bed.
“I’m no good for her,” I mumble with a deep sigh.
“Look,Will, obviously you have issues– ” Dan states.
“Thanks dude,” I interject.
“No. What I mean to say is that maybe you need to let go of whatever it is that’s holding you back. Pining after her is wasted energy.”
I sigh deeply. “I do have issues but she wouldn’t understand. Hell, I don’t really understand where my head is at half the time.”
“Well, how do you know unless you try? She’s a very caring and considerate woman, and she probably understands more than you know,” she reassures.
I sigh again while she leans in and pats me on the leg.
“Look, you only have one chance to make it up to her. Don’t let it slip by,” she pleads and they get up and leave.
Fuck, I don’t think I can risk putting myself out there again. No, if she wants me, it’s ‘friends with benefits’ or nothing at all.
~*~
I wake to my blaring alarm telling me it’s time to get up.
Fuck off!
I bash at the off button over and over until it’s silenced. Lying in my bed I stare at the ceiling. I find myself hugging the pillow that she slept on. I could smell her gorgeous scent all night. I didn’t get much sleep, but I get up knowing I’ll be seeing her in class today and we’ll be paired up for the duets task. That makes me feel a little better.
