by Beth Rinyu
I finally got up and showered when I couldn’t stand being alone with my thoughts for another second. Jenna was just starting to stir when I came out of the bathroom.
“What are you doing up so early?” she asked, sitting up and rubbing her tired eyes.
“I don’t know. Couldn’t sleep,” I muttered, ashamed to face her as I walked over to my bag and threw my dirty clothes inside.
“Ethan. Stop,” she whispered.
“Stop what?” I turned around and finally faced her.
“Don’t do this. Don’t shut down on me.”
I was frozen, not knowing what to say to her.
“Can you please come here?” She tapped on the mattress.
I walked over to the bed and took a seat.
“You were having a nightmare. You weren’t awake. Don’t you think I know you’d never behave that way if you were conscious?”
“Still doesn’t make it right.”
She leaned in closer, pulling the sheet over her to cover her naked body. “Ethan, I don’t know what happened to cause you this pain you’re in, and like I told you before, it’s okay if you don’t want to tell me. But maybe you should talk to someone who could help you deal with it a little better and help make the nightmares go away.”
I shook my head and let out a sarcastic chuckle. “You mean a shrink?” I didn’t wait for her to reply. “Been there, done that, and all they do is give me drugs to stop those nightmares from happening twenty-four hours a day.”
Her warm, soft hand caressed the side of my cheek. “Maybe that just wasn’t the right one for you. There are hundreds of qualified—”
“Stop! Just stop! No one is going to be able to fix my problems. Okay? Not you, not some person who thinks they have all the answers just because they can put PhD after their name, not anyone! I’m fucked up forever, Jenna. Don’t you get that, especially after last night? Nothing or no one is going to make me feel better, and you’re better off forgetting you ever knew me.”
Her eyes clouded with emotion. I got up, walked over to the window, and stared out at the busy sidewalk below. I couldn’t take knowing I’d hurt her with my words. “I don’t feel that way for one second, Ethan, and it’s not what I want. But if you feel like this is the only way for you to deal with whatever it is that’s bothering you, then I’ll disappear from your life as quickly as I came into it. But I will never ever forget that I knew you, because the truth is, in our short time together, you’ve become pretty special to me, and I don’t forget people who’ve affected me in the way you have so easily.” Her voice cracked with emotion, and I knew she was on the verge of tears as she ran into the bathroom.
God, I was such an asshole. Why did I drag this poor girl into my crazy, fucked-up life? I should have just ignored the fact that I found her undeniably beautiful and I had this intense connection to her. Again, I was only thinking of myself and what I wanted, not her feelings. Now all I did was hurt her, which was the last thing I wanted to do. I heard the shower turn on inside the bathroom and took a seat on the bed. I didn’t want to lose her so easily, but in order to keep her in my life, I had to fully let her in. I was so deep in my thoughts that I didn’t even hear the water turn off, jumping when Jenna emerged from the bathroom, fully dressed with her hair pulled back in a ponytail. She was silent as she walked over to her bag and threw her clothes inside then grabbed her dress from the closet.
“Ready?” she asked, her tone matter-of-fact.
I nodded and grabbed my things, allowing her to walk out ahead of me. We checked out and waited outside in silence for the valet to bring my car from the off-site parking garage. She moved as far away as she could from me and people watched. There was no doubt in my mind that she was pissed at me, and I couldn’t blame her. I offered to take her bag when the car pulled up and she declined, lugging it over to the car herself and throwing it in the trunk. We got into the car, and she pulled on her seatbelt, dropping her head against the seat and pulling her sunglasses over her eyes.
“Did you want to get some coffee?” I asked.
“No, thank you.” She turned her head and looked out the window as I pulled out onto the busy city street. We drove for some time and were well out of the city when Jenna lifted her head and spoke up again. “You were supposed to go south, not north.”
“No, I wasn’t.” I took my eyes off the road for a brief second and looked over at her.
“Ethan, I may not be worthy enough of your trust, but I’m not dumb…we need to be going south to get back to my place.”
“Who says we’re going back to your place?”
“Well, then where are we going?” she demanded.
“I want to show you something…will you please just stop being pissed and let me?”
She didn’t protest, so I took that as a yes. I turned up the radio to drown out the silence. An hour later I was pulling up the long driveway. “Whose house is this?” Jenna asked with her eyes widening.
“Mine.” I hit the button on the remote and waited for the garage door to open. We got out, and Jenna followed me inside, taking everything in.
“You live in this house?”
I nodded.
“This huge house. All by yourself?”
I nodded again.
“Wow!” she whispered.
I inhaled deeply, trying to muster the courage, opting for some caffeine first. “Did you want some coffee?”
“Sure,” she relented. She followed me into the kitchen, her eyes lighting up when she saw the stove. “Holy crap! That stove…this whole kitchen is a chef’s dream.”
I smiled over her enthusiasm. I fixed our coffee, and we sat down at the island and drank it.
“So, we came all this way for coffee?”
I was happy that she was starting to snap out of her annoyance with me.
“No.” I shook my head and waited for her to take the last sip of her coffee, knowing it was now or never. I stood up and took her hand, leading her up the stairs and stopping at the closed door that had been sealed off like a tomb for the past year. My hands trembled when I touched the handle, and with each passing second, I was finding myself losing my courage. I breathed deeply, knowing this was something I had to finally face if I was ever going to break free from my chains that were bounding me and at the same time keep Jenna in my life.
Chapter 21
Jenna
I LOOKED DOWN AT ETHAN’S trembling hand as he turned the doorknob. He was pale and breaking out in a sweat, and as much as I wanted to know what was behind that closed door, I was a little anxious about it too. What could it possibly be that was causing him such angst?
“Ethan, it’s fine if you don’t—”
He shook his head to stop me from talking, his breaths becoming heavier with each passing second. My heart jumped when the door finally clicked open. All I could envision was his dead wife preserved and lying in the bed, but as the door opened further, it wasn’t that morbid scene at all. It was a baby’s bedroom, meticulously decorated in soothing shades of blue with a giant sailboat mural taking up one of the walls and a beautiful mountain view outside the window.
I looked up at Ethan as tears gushed from his eyes. I didn’t know what to say or do to comfort him because I was clueless as to what was going on. I wasn’t sure if anything would even help at that point anyway. He seemed to be lost in his own little world once again. I walked over to the empty crib. Inside was a blue-and-white-checkered blanket and a teddy bear that looked just like the one Ethan had on his bed at the inn that day. My stomach clenched. This was obviously a baby’s room, but whose baby and where was that baby now?
A framed picture on the dresser caught my eye. My legs trembled as I took the few steps over to look at that photograph under the frame. I picked it up and drew it closer, my eyes burning with tears at the sight of the adorable little boy, sitting in a high chair, wearing a birthday hat with cake smeared over his face. That face—it was a carbon copy of Ethan’s. Same cleft chin, same blue eye
s, and even the same matching dimple in his right cheek. This little boy was his child. Nolan? But what happened to him?
I chased away my tears and turned around to face him, his glassy eyes now focused on me. “That little boy. Is that Nolan? The one you were dreaming about last night?” I gently inquired.
He nodded, and a lone teardrop rolled down his face. I walked over to him and took his hand in mine, trying to offer him comfort in some small way.
“Is that your son?”
“Yes.” He managed to get out in a whisper, looking away and squeezing his eyes closed.
I knew this next question was going to be painful for him to answer, but I also knew that was his whole reasoning for bringing me in this room, so he could tell me what had happened to him. “What happened to him, Ethan?”
His tears turned into a gut-wrenching sob and his whole body shook. I pulled him into an embrace, and he buried his head into my shoulder, releasing all his built-up sadness.
“It’s okay,” I whispered over and over again, as my hands worked gentle circles around his back. I knew by his reaction and the nightmare he was having that whatever happened to this baby couldn’t have been good. I couldn’t imagine how hard this was for him to face, and I was feeling guilty for making him relive this pain. Once he calmed down a bit, we took a seat on the floor and rested our backs against the wall. I took his hand and brought it up to my lips while he tried his hardest to pull it together.
“This is the first time I’ve been in his room since—” He battled with another bout of tears. “He died.” He finally managed to get it out. “My wife committed suicide and she took him with her.”
My eyes widened and now it was me who was battling with the tears.
“Oh my God, Ethan.” My voice quivered. “I’m so sorry.” No wonder he was so angry with his wife and wanted to know why—why would a mother do that to her own child?
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a crumpled-up letter, placing it in my hand. I gazed at him for a moment, and he nodded, giving me approval to read it.
When I opened it up, I noticed right away that the stationary was from The White Lace Inn, the same inn Ethan and I were staying at when we met.
Dear Ethan,
By the time you get this letter, we will be long gone. Far away from the pain I’m feeling over the loss of our marriage, far away from any pain at all. You caused the agony I’m in and now you will be reminded of it every day for the rest of your life. You don’t deserve a child as sweet as Nolan, so I’m taking him with me to be with me, his mother, for eternity. He is the only happy thing I have from our marriage outside of the memories of the couple we once were. But a marriage cannot survive on memories alone. I hope whoever she is, is worth the burden that will be placed on your shoulders for killing your wife and your son.
Ironically, I will end my life doing what I loved most in life. The forecasted storm later today will provide the perfect conditions to leave the current hell I’m in and be at peace with myself and my child. I won’t say I don’t love you because that would be a lie. I just stopped liking you and this person you’ve become. I’m not asking for forgiveness for what I’m about to do. I’m just asking you to realize that your actions gave me no other choice.
~Darrah
I covered my mouth with my hand, trying to digest the words. What kind of sick person would take their child along in their suicide mission? No wonder Ethan harbored so much animosity toward her. “So, she—” I couldn’t even get out the rest of the words. My stomach was sick with just the mere thought of it.
“She was an avid sailor. She grew up on the water.” Ethan stared straight ahead, each word seeming like it was torturing him as it came off his tongue. “Her best friend and her husband had a boat they docked at the marina down there. Darrah had sailed it many times before. We were having some problems in our marriage.” He exhaled heavily. “And Darrah…she was slowly becoming unhinged. I had a book signing that weekend out of town, and we’d gotten in a huge fight right before I left. I didn’t even feel comfortable leaving Nolan with her with the way she’d been acting. But I couldn’t let my readers down…I couldn’t let my fuckin’ readers down.” He threw his head against the wall and gazed up as the tears poured from his eyes. “So instead, I let my son down.” His tormented eyes locked with mine.
“Ethan, you didn’t know she was going to do something like that. Don’t blame yourself.”
I filled my lungs with air before asking the next question. “Did they find—”
He shook his head before I could even get the words out.
“Just the boat. It was banged up bad, filled with water. It was a bad Nor’easter. They said there was no way they could have—” He covered his face with his hands and sobbed once again.
I put my arm around him as he broke down completely in my arms. This strong, muscular man was so weak and vulnerable as he finally faced what he’d been avoiding for so long.
We sat in silence for some time with his head resting upon my shoulder and only the sounds of the birds outside the window.
“You okay?” I finally spoke.
“I guess as okay as I’ll ever be. You’re the first person I’ve been able to really talk to about it. I’m sorry for laying all that on you, but I just wanted you to know why that happened last night. I didn’t mean to hurt you, Jenna, and I’m so sorry. I thought you were her, and I’m still so angry over what she did.”
“Hey, you don’t have to be sorry for anything. I’m happy that you allowed me into that part of your life, and I’m not angry over last night. I know you didn’t mean to do that. That’s not who you are.”
He lifted his head from my shoulder and I barely recognized him through his swollen eyes. I wanted so badly to find the right words to make him feel a little bit better.
“So, tell me about Nolan.”
He stared at me blankly as if he was afraid to speak.
“It’s okay, Ethan, it’s okay to talk about him.”
He nodded and let out a deep sigh. “He was going to be turning two in just a few months…he loved taking his teddy bear everywhere.” A painful smile stretched across his face. “He’d panic if we’d go somewhere and he didn’t have it, so I went out and bought up as many of those bears that I could find. He had one for my car, one for Darrah’s car, one that he slept with. That way he’d never be without it. He didn’t realize it was a different bear.”
I smiled and gripped his hand.
“He was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I miss him so much. I miss his chubby cheeks, his deep belly laughs…God, why couldn’t I have just stayed home that weekend? If I’d just done things differently, I wouldn’t have been so consumed with my career…and other things, and maybe he’d be here with me right now.”
“Ethan, sadly lots of people make their career their priority when it shouldn’t be, but it happens, especially when you’re in a profession as demanding as yours. That doesn’t mean she had a right to do what she did in any way at all.”
“I slept with someone else,” he blurted out. “She was constantly accusing me of it even before it happened. She went from being this beautiful, confident woman to an insecure stranger who I didn’t even know anymore. Things were getting really bad between us. We were fighting constantly, we hadn’t had sex in months, and she’d have these violent mood swings. I wanted to move out to give us time and space to figure things out, but I wouldn’t because of Nolan.” He looked over at me to gauge my reaction. “I know my excuses are like a bad cliché. I honestly still did love her, but we’d drifted so far apart. It only happened once, and I admitted everything to her.”
“Ethan, you don’t have to justify your actions to me. Things happen. But you can’t keep blaming yourself and feeling like your actions warranted what she did. People get cheated on every day. Yes, it sucks. But most people suck it up and deal with it, in more logical ways. They don’t take the drastic measure that she did, and they certainly don’t inv
olve their children. Don’t you see she had some deep underlying issues of her own? So, please stop blaming yourself.”
He squeezed my hand. “Thank you,” he whispered, placing his head back on my shoulder.
“Anytime,” I replied, resting my lips on the top of his head.
Chapter 22
Ethan
IT HAD BEEN FOUR DAYS SINCE I’d last seen Jenna, and I was climbing the walls. I couldn’t believe how much I missed her. It was so weird to think I’d only known her for such a short time, but I was feeling like I needed her more than I’d ever needed anyone in my entire life. Thoughts of her consumed my mind as I sat in Edward’s office, staring out the window at his midtown view, listening to the demands my publisher was placing on me.
“Ethan, it’s time to get back in the game. You don’t want to be forgotten in the slew of new authors who are cranking out one book after another.”
“Really, Edward? You should know by now, that’s not my style. I’ll write again when something comes to me. I’m not going to force it and produce subpar work, just so my readers don’t forget me.”
“Well, Ethan, I just thought now that you’re getting laid on a regular basis, maybe you’d be getting inspired. She seems to be a little spitfire. I could only imagine what she’s like in bed.”
“Leave her out of this!” I snapped.
He held up his hand in defense. “Okay, calm down. I just thought—”
“Well, don’t think where she’s concerned anymore. You know nothing about her, so stop making assumptions.”
“Very well.” He nodded.
I was pretty sure I’d bruised his ego a bit. Edward was used to barking out the orders, not abiding by them. When we first started working together, I was guilty of catering to his every demand, but once I figured out he needed me more than I needed him, that all changed.
