by Beth Rinyu
The phone call from my sister ignited something deep inside me, and in my effort to chase away any thoughts of my father, my anger had shifted to Darrah. My fury didn’t stop there. I opened the doors to her closet for the very first time in over a year. I was no longer afraid to look at her perfectly pressed designer clothes hanging on the racks. I wanted it all gone. Every single memory of her, I wanted erased from my life. She’d taken the best thing that had ever happened to me away, and I hated her for it. Like my father, she no longer existed. I ripped an armful of her garments from their hangers and hurled them onto the floor, repeating the action until every single trace of her was removed from the closet and now scattered amongst the bedroom floor.
“Mr. Banks.”
I jumped at the sound of the voice behind me.
“I didn’t know you were back,” Rosie, my cleaning lady, said as she stared down at the mess on the floor and then back at me. Her dark-brown eyes cast the familiar ray of sympathy I’d become so accustomed to from everyone over this past year.
“I-I-umm...need to take a shower.”
“Did you want me to get rid of all of this for you?”
I nodded. “Yes, please.”
“No problem.” Her tone was soft and gentle, like someone dealing with a complete head case.
I headed into the shower, allowing the steady stream of warm water to flow over me. All the pain, all the self-loathing, and all the guilt that had subsided ever so slightly over this past month was now creeping back into my life. I hated this house and the memories it held. Darrah was right. This was a burden that would be placed on my shoulders for the rest of my life. It may lighten from time to time, but it would always be there, weighing me down when I least expected it, reminding me I was the reason my son was no longer alive. I rinsed and turned off the water when I couldn’t stand being alone with my thoughts any longer.
I stepped out of the bathroom and into my bedroom, surprised to find not one trace of my meltdown from just a short while ago. Rosie had gotten rid of all the clothes and what was left of the picture as well. I stared into Darrah’s now empty closet, wishing I could be rid of her ghost that seemed to haunt me every day just as easily. After getting dressed, I headed down to my office and sat behind my computer, staring blankly at the screen. The writing streak I was on earlier had obviously ended. I poured myself a shot of Jack, hoping that would help to settle my nerves, repeating the process when it didn’t seem to be doing the trick. I lifted my head to the light tapping on my office door to find Rosie.
“Mr. Banks, I’m going to head out now. I took care of everything for you.”
“Thank you. I really appreciate that.”
“I found this in one of the pockets of Mrs. Banks’ jacket.” She held out a plain white envelope with Darrah’s name written on the front. “It’s just a force of habit. I’m so used to checking the pockets of all your things before I take them to the dry cleaners. Anyway, I wasn’t sure if it was important, so I just thought I’d let you decide what you wanted to do with it.”
I nodded, staring down at the envelope as if it contained a bomb.
“I’ll be back next week, but if you need anything between now and then, please call.”
“Thanks,” I whispered as she walked out the door. I held the envelope in my hand for what seemed like eternity, taking another shot of Jack before finding the courage to open it up.
My Beautiful Angel Eyes,
I’m sitting here grading papers and missing you so much. Hearing your voice today made my day. I can’t wait until we can be together next weekend. I need you to know, you will always be my first priority, and I would never hurt you in the way he has. I love you so much, and I can’t wait to prove that to you someday. You will see that love is a wonderful thing when you’re in it with the right person.
All My Love Forever
~M
I was numb. Darrah had ridden my ass for months for being unfaithful to her while she was doing the same thing. I didn’t think it was possible to despise her more than I already did, but it was. I inhaled deeply, my anger building with each breath I took. For the past year, I blamed myself and my affair for the death of my son, only to find out Darrah wasn’t so innocent after all. I read the letter once again before crumpling it up and throwing it on the floor, then hurling my shot glass against the wall.
“You fuckin’ bitch!” I shouted. My hands were trembling as I grabbed the bottle of Jack and chugged it down, temporarily dulling my pain.
Chapter 25
Jenna
I DECIDED TO SPEND THE day packing up the rest of the things from my apartment and paying my mother a much overdue visit. As expected, she was still pissed over my broken engagement.
“So how are things going with the renovations?” my father asked as we sat around their kitchen table, watching my mother baking cookies.
“Really well. Actually, I’m ahead of schedule.” I was so grateful for my dad. Unlike my mother, he stood by all my decisions I made in life.
“You need to call your grandmother.” My mother finally acknowledged my presence. “She’s upset beyond words. She was so excited to wear her new dress. Now it’ll just sit in the closet.”
“I’m sure there will be another occasion she could wear it for, Mom.”
“She’s ninety-two years old. How many more occasions do you think she has left? You were her last grandchild to be getting married and now she’s afraid she’ll never see it happen.”
Was she really sinking that low to go there with me? “Well, I’m sorry, Mom, I’m not going to marry the wrong person just so Grandma has somewhere to wear her dress.”
“How was he the wrong person? Brad was wonderful!” She rushed to his defense like always.
“No, Mom. He really wasn’t!” I snapped.
“Just because you got cold feet, don’t—”
“Marianne! That’s enough!” my father interrupted. “Jenna made her decision and I’m sure she has good reasons for it. Now we need to stand behind her on this.”
Thank you, I mouthed to my father.
My mother mumbled something under her breath and turned her attention back to her baking. I had enough of her putdowns and her guilt trips. As much as I was enjoying my time with my dad, I couldn’t put up with my mother any longer.
“Well, I’m gonna head back,” I said as I stood up.
“Go run and hide. What you do best,” my mother whispered, never missing a beat with her cookies.
My father shook his head and gave me a sympathetic gaze.
“Bye, Mom.” I leaned in to give her a kiss, and she stared straight ahead, continuing with her work.
“See you later,” was the best she could muster.
My dad walked me to my car, and I threw my arms around him.
“Thanks, Dad, for having my back in there.”
“You know I always will, honey. I just want you to be happy. She’ll get over it. Are you coming back for Thanksgiving?”
“Please don’t get mad, but I don’t think I could subject myself to that again for a while.”
“I completely understand. I’m not looking forward to it myself. Your uncle Tony and aunt Eileen are coming ”
“Oh God, that alone is enough for me to stay away.”
We both laughed. My uncle Tony was my mother’s brother. He and his wife were the two most obnoxious people on the planet.
“Will you break the news to Mom?”
“You got it!”
“Thanks, Dad.” I smiled.
“Anything for you. I’m going to be taking a drive down in a few weeks to see the progress.”
“That would be great!”
“Now get on the road before the rain starts up again.” He gave me one last kiss as I ducked into my car and was on my way back to the safety of my cocoon, far away from my mother’s lectures and constant guilt. My head was pounding, and my eyes were heavy, so I stopped off at the convenience store along the way, hoping a little caffeine woul
d do the trick in remedying both those problems. I sat in my car, reveling in the first few sips of coffee, when it dawned on me I hadn’t checked my phone all day. Pulling it from my purse, I couldn’t contain my smile when I saw a text from Ethan, earlier in that day.
Chapter 4...done.
I was so happy he was finding his niche once again. Even if it was with an outrageous deadline, it was forcing him to get back into a writing groove, which in turn would help him with his healing process. I tried my hardest not to miss him since he’d been gone, but it was impossible. He filled my thoughts more than I cared to admit, and I was counting the days to seeing him again. I missed that handsome face that always put a smile on mine. I hit reply to text him back, then decided on something else that would help me temporarily deal with my withdrawal symptoms. I hit the FaceTime button and immediately began second-guessing myself. What if he was deep into his writing and didn’t want to be disturbed? What if he wasn’t missing me as much as I was missing him? I sucked it up and let it continue to ring. If either of those were the case, he wouldn’t answer. Plain and simple. The butterflies in my stomach were unleashed when the phone connected, and he came into view on my screen.
“Hi there!” My ridiculous grin faded away when I homed in on his bloodshot eyes and the bottle of Jack Daniel’s sitting beside him. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” He was zoned out. The same way I’d seen him about a dozen times before, when the dark person who I didn’t know would come out from deep within him.
I was now regretting my choice to FaceTime him. I hated seeing him this way. “I-I umm...got your text. Chapter four, that’s great!” I tried to be as upbeat as possible in hopes that it would lighten his mood.
“Fuck that book...fuck everybody!”
I closed my eyes and sighed deeply. “Ethan, everything isn’t fine. Is it?”
His eyes narrowed, and he poured another shot of Jack. “Nothing this can’t handle.” He lifted the glass to his lips and chugged the amber-colored liquid like it was water. I was feeling so helpless, wishing I could do something for him, but I was miles away. My mind began to fear the worst as I thought back to that very first day we’d met and the empty pill bottle. Ethan seemed to have come so far from that day, but every time he took a small step forward, he’d somehow manage to take a giant step back.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“What are you, my shrink?” he snapped.
“No, I just thought maybe you needed—”
“I don’t need anything or anyone. So just leave me the hell alone.”
Tears pricked my eyes as the phone disconnected. The pain in my head was intensifying along with a slow burning ache in my heart.
***
Ethan’s silence was pure torture. I wanted to know if he was okay, but at the same time, I was hurt over the way he’d spoken to me when we’d last talked. I knew that wasn’t the Ethan I knew and cared for on the other end of that phone, but that person inside him was coming out a little more than I cared for.
I tried my best to keep myself occupied with my renovations and long walks on the beach, but thoughts of him still plagued my mind. I could only assume I wouldn’t be seeing him this weekend like he’d said. Since it was already Saturday afternoon and there was no sign of him, I knew I was correct in that assumption. I was clueless as to what to expect next. Were we done as quickly as we’d started? What if something truly did happen to him and he’d succeeded this time with his attempt I’d stopped that night at the inn? How would I ever know? No one in his world knew I even existed, except his slimly agent, and I was fairly certain he wouldn’t be wasting any time contacting me. I was just an outsider, and sadly that was all I’d ever be to Ethan. He tried his hardest to let me in, but I’d never truly be part of his world. I stood in front of the roaring flames from the fireplace, warming up after returning from my walk while trying to drown out the racket the men were making, working in one of the upstairs bathrooms.
The faint ring of my phone called from my purse. I debated on whether I should leave the comfort of the warm fire, but then remembered I was waiting on a phone call from the electrician. I dug through my purse, and my heart leapt from my chest when I saw Ethan’s name displayed across the screen. Do I answer, or do I just ignore him? I debated for a quick second before answering.
“Hey, Jenna,” he greeted as if everything was normal.
“What’s up?” I was very matter-of-fact.
“I’m really sorry. I’ve been so wrapped up with the book, I lost track of my days. I just realized it’s Saturday.”
He obviously had no recollection of our phone call the other night. Now I had to decide if I wanted to play along and ignore it or confront it.
“You’re not pissed. Are you?”
I sighed heavily. “Over forgetting it’s Saturday...no.”
A brief silence fell between us. “Okay, but it sounds like you’re pissed at something.”
“You really don’t remember our conversation the other night, do you?”
“Shit,” he whispered. “When did you call?”
“I FaceTimed you the other night...and you were pretty banged up.”
He sighed heavily. “Jenna, I’m sorry. Whatever I said, I didn’t mean it. I was having a shit day and—”
“Ethan, I can’t keep doing this. I care about you a lot. I really do, but I never know which person I’m gonna get with you.”
“I don’t know what to say except I’m sorry. You know I’d never do or say anything to hurt you intentionally.”
“You wouldn’t, but this other person hiding inside of you does every time you allow him to come out.”
“Please don’t be angry, Jenna. I’m trying really hard to make that guy go away forever, but sometimes, I can’t stop it from happening.”
I pulled in my bottom lip and blinked away the tears. I hated myself for being so naïve, but there was something about his words, his tone, and him that was so sincere. “I’m not angry,” I whispered.
“So, umm…I was gonna take a shot in the dark because I’m sure you probably already have plans, but in the off chance you don’t, would you like to spend Thanksgiving with me?”
I couldn’t hold back my smile. In addition to worrying about him for the past day and a half, the thought of spending Thanksgiving alone crept into my mind as well. “I actually don’t have plans.”
“That’s great! I mean…it’s not great…you know what I mean.” For the first time since I’d known him, he seemed a little nervous, like a teenage boy asking a girl to their first dance. “So, I was thinking, if you want to come here, I’d love to cook for you or if you don’t want to do the drive, I can—”
“I’d love to come there,” I interrupted. “But on one condition.”
“What’s that?” he asked.
“I cook.”
He let out a loud chuckle. “Hey, you don’t trust my cooking?”
“Well…you can assist.”
“Deal. When is Thanksgiving anyway?”
I let out a loud laugh. “This Thursday.”
“Oh, okay. Told you I’m totally lost with my days.”
We talked a little longer and made our plans for the upcoming week. I was excited to be spending our first holiday together, hoping this was a sign that he was letting me a little further into his life. But in the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but worry if I’d be spending my entire time with the Ethan I knew and cared for or if that other person inside of him would be making an unwanted appearance.
Chapter 26
Ethan
I MANAGED TO BREAK MYSELF from my writing long enough to go to the grocery store and pick up everything I thought we’d need for Thanksgiving dinner. I looked at the clock after putting everything away, wondering where Jenna was. She’d texted me when she left, and I thought she would have been here by now. I’d give her another half hour before I called her. It was the day before Thanksgiving, the busiest travel day of the year, so mayb
e she just got stuck in traffic. I pulled my ringing phone from my pocket, certain it was Jenna, only to be disheartened when I saw it was Edward.
“How goes the writing?” was my greeting from him after I answered.
“Hello to you, Edward?” I didn’t hide my sarcasm.
“How are you doing, Ethan?”
“Fine.”
“Please tell me that fine includes some words on your computer.”
“I’m making progress.”
“That’s music to my ears.”
I sighed heavily. I hated feeling like a trained circus monkey, needing to perform just to keep other people happy. “Yeah, whatever.”
“Well, can you give me a little sneak peek of what it’s about?”
“I’m resurrecting an old project.”
“And…that would be?”
“Remember the one I was working on a while back that I’d told you about and just wasn’t feeling?”
“The one you deleted?”
“Yeah. Well, I went with the same idea and started from scratch, and I’m okay with it now.”
There was a long pause before he responded. “Ethan, I think maybe you should be doing something that’s a little more on trend now. Zombies are the big fad now in your genre. Monopolize on that instead of reinventing an old idea.”
“What are you talking about, Edward? You were the one who was on my case to finish that story.”
He let out a nervous chuckle. “Yeah, about two years ago. Things change quickly in the writing industry. You know this.” He continued to babble on, but he may as well have been speaking Greek when I heard a knock on the front door. “I just think—”
“Edward, I have to go.” I hung up the phone and headed to the door to greet Jenna. Just one look at her standing on the front porch, dressed casually in her ripped-up jeans and her hair pulled off her face in a ponytail, washed away all my grief from the past few days. It was amazing how she always managed to have that ability. I opened the door and took her bag from her, pulling her into me, unable to resist getting my lips on hers.
