by Beth Rinyu
He turned on his side to face me. “I don’t think we’re arguing.”
I sighed heavily. “No, you’re just giving me the silent treatment.”
“I’m talking to you now, aren’t I?”
“You are, but I can tell you’re upset.”
“I’m not. Really, I’m not.” He touched the top of my head with his lips.
I climbed on top of him, turning his head and forcing him to kiss me. “Are you still tired?” I teased.
He answered my question by lifting my shirt over my head and rolling me onto my back. He hovered over me and pinned my wrists to the mattress. His lips trailing down my neck intensified my want for him. I arched my back when the fullness of him filled me up inside. Maybe Ethan and I weren’t destined for a happily ever after, but as my body reveled with pleasure as he moved in and out of me, I’d settle for a happy ending just for tonight.
Chapter 28
Ethan
THANKSGIVING HAD COME and gone. Jenna was back home after spending the entire weekend, and I was missing her like crazy, trying to adjust to being without her. I was hoping to get enough writing done during the week so we could spend time together over the weekend, but as I sat in my office, staring out the window, writing was the furthest thing from my mind. Jenna had silenced the ghosts in my head over the past few days, but now that she was gone, they were becoming loud and clear once again. I opened my desk drawer and pulled out the crumpled letter I’d hidden away. I read it over once again, wondering exactly who –M was, and how long he’d been a part of Darrah’s life. Was he just a means to get back at me for being unfaithful to her or was he in her life prior to that? I crumpled it back up and tossed it in the drawer. It didn’t matter now anyway. I’d never know the answer and would always bear the burden of my son’s death. I stared at the blinking cursor on my screen until my eyes crossed, jumping at the sound of my ringing phone.
“Great,” I muttered under my breath when I saw it was Edward, no doubt to get on my case about something.
“Yeah, Edward,” I answered.
“Just checking in, and I wanted to let you know you were sorely missed at the dinner over the weekend.”
“Oh well, I’m sure they’ll get over it. After all, they’re the ones placing this deadline on me, so I can’t be wasting valuable writing time going to their functions.”
“Okay, that’s a good excuse, but something tells me you didn’t spend the weekend writing.”
“You’ll never know. Will you?” I replied, bending the paperclip in my hand in half.
“I suppose I won’t, but I hope you did take some time to come up with a kickass zombie story like we discussed.”
“Nope. I told you my idea, and I’m sticking to it. I’ll send you the first few chapters after Jenna looks at it.” I put my feet up on my desk and leaned back in my chair.
He let out a loud chuckle. “Excuse me? After who looks at it?”
“You heard me.”
“No, I don’t think I did because I could have sworn you said that you, one of the best damn writers around, is going to pass off your work to a peon, out-of-work editor who knows nothing about what’s trending or nothing about your writing style for that matter. My God, Ethan, just because she’s good enough to stick your dick into doesn’t mean she’s worthy of giving you advice on your writing.”
My face heated as my fury heightened, and if he were standing beside me right now, there was no doubt he would’ve have been laid out. “Fuck you, Edward. She’s worthy of more than you’ll ever be.”
“Really, Ethan? This is the thanks I get after taking you to the top?”
“You didn’t take me anywhere, Edward.”
“Look, I’m sorry if I offended your girlfriend. It’s just...how well do you really know this girl? There are a lot of people out there trying to make a quick buck or get somewhere in life based on who they know.”
“Yeah, and I’m finally starting to realize you’re one of them. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have writing to do.” I hung up the phone, wanting to hurl it across the room, but then thought better of it. Edward wasn’t worth the hassle it would cause to replace it. Instead, I channeled all the frustration and anger he’d just caused into words—lots of them. Three hours later, I had four more chapters done and was fast approaching the halfway point. I laced my fingers together and stretched my arms over my head as I stared at my computer screen. I needed to get pissed off more often. I kicked ass. I ran my hand over my desk and closed my eyes, remembering what took place upon it just a few days ago. My body awakened with just the mere thought of her beautiful body and the safety of being inside her. I squeezed my eyes shut, chasing any more thoughts that would require me to take a cold shower. I got up and headed into the kitchen to grab something to eat, texting Jenna in between bites of my sandwich.
Me: Do you have time to read?
Jenna: Do I!!! You don’t even need to ask. I’ll drop whatever I’m doing for that.
I smiled over her enthusiasm, wishing I could be there next to her instead of communicating through a text.
Me: Okay, I’ll email it to you in a bit.
Jenna: K. I’m super excited to read it.
I stared at her text, thinking back to the nasty things Edward had said about her earlier, and my anger began to spike once again. Just like always, Jenna was right on cue to make me feel better.
Jenna: PS. I miss you...
I shook my head and stared at her words a little while longer. “I miss you more,” I whispered.
Lost in thoughts of Jenna, I jumped when my phone vibrated in my hand with an incoming call from my sister. “Hey, Helene,” I answered.
“Ethan, please don’t be mad at me for calling to tell you this, but it’s Dad...”
Chapter 29
Jenna
“JEN, I CANNOT BELIEVE you’ve been holding out on me about this!” Amelia dabbed her upper lip with her napkin after taking a bite of her sandwich.
“I’m sorry, but things got so busy, and it kind of all happened so quickly.” I smiled up at the waitress as she refilled our water.
“So, you’ve slept with him on numerous occasions, attended the Writers’ Award Dinner with him, spent Thanksgiving with him at his place, and it didn’t occur to you once to send your BFF in the whole wide world a text message to let her know even one of these things?”
“I know, I suck.”
“Yeah, you kind of do.” She smirked. “But I’ll forgive you if you spill your guts with the details.”
“I-I...umm like him a lot.”
“Jenna, I want to know how he is in bed!”
I choked on the sip of water I’d just taken. “Amelia!”
“Come on, Jenna. These pregnancy hormones are killing me! Seriously, Dan can’t keep up with me. It’s like I want to have sex twenty-four seven.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You’re scaring me!” I laughed.
“It’s like a complete role reversal. Now Dan’s actually faking a headache. Just wait, you’ll see when it happens to you!”
I held my hand up. “Oh, hell no, don’t be wishing any of those pregnancy vibes on me.”
“You never know. You may become the mother of a future brilliant writer.”
I took a forkful of salad and shook my head. Not that the idea of having kids was out of the question for me, but the idea of having them with Ethan was. After all the pain he’d gone through with his son, I was fairly certain he’d never want another child again. “I think you’re getting way ahead of yourself, Amelia.”
She shrugged her shoulders, watching me intently as I smiled at my phone over the text Ethan had just sent. “Speaking of the devil. Would that text that just put a huge grin on your face be from none other?”
“Guilty.” I looked up at her and bit back my smile. “He wants me to give him input on the story he’s working on...me, can you believe that? I feel like I’m dreaming or something.”
“Oh my God, girl! How did you get so lucky? C
an I just say I haven’t seen you this happy in a long time? I think he’s going to be good for you.”
I looked out the window and sighed.
“What’s the sigh for?” Amelia asked with a hint of panic to her voice.
“It’s just...he’s a great guy, he really is, but he’s suffered a lot of loss in his life over this past year.”
She raised an eyebrow. “That would explain why he dropped off the radar.”
I nodded. “He lost his wife and his son.”
“Oh, wow!” Amelia shook her head, and I was hoping she wouldn’t ask for any more details because I wasn’t willing to give them to her. I would never betray Ethan’s trust like that.
“We have such a great time together, but then sometimes something will send him into his own little world, and he turns into this person I don’t even know. I wish he could heal emotionally.”
“Well, Jen, everyone handles grief differently. I can’t imagine losing a child. It’s got to be one of the hardest things to get through. Give it time.”
“Yeah, I know. I plan on it.”
She reached over the table and grabbed my hands. “I’m happy you didn’t make the biggest mistake of your life by marrying a guy who was so wrong for you.”
I nodded in agreement. Three weeks from now, I would’ve been walking down the aisle to a man I didn’t want to marry if I hadn’t come to my senses. A small part of me wondered if I’d still be if Ethan hadn’t come into my life. “So, enough about me. How did your last doctor’s visit go? And when are you going to be able to find out the sex?”
The rest of our lunch was filled with baby talk. It was nice to catch up with Amelia. I hated that there was so much distance between us now, making it harder for us to get together, but today we decided to meet at a restaurant that was halfway between us and made it happen. We said our goodbyes and promised when life started to get in the way and we couldn’t get together as often as we wanted, this would be our spot that we’d make a point of meeting at least once a month.
I arrived home and rushed through the front door, happy to see the guys were just finishing up for the day, leaving me alone in peace and quiet with Ethan’s story. I made myself a cup of tea and sat down to my laptop, becoming disheartened when the only thing in my inbox was junk mail. “What now?” I whispered, trying to think of something to do to keep from refreshing my email every two minutes.
I bundled up and headed down to the ocean, hoping that once I returned from my walk, I’d have something from Ethan waiting for me in my inbox. I walked on to the deserted beach and took a seat in the sand as the harsh wind blew off the water, hitting me in the face. I pulled my hood over my head and closed my eyes, listening to the sound of the waves crashing into the shoreline.
“You may become the mother of a future brilliant writer.”
Amelia’s words were bittersweet. There was no doubt I was falling deeper for Ethan each time we were together. As crazy as it sounded in my head, I was hoping that maybe there was some type of future for us, that may have included a child. But that was my own made-up fantasy—Ethan didn’t believe in happy endings anymore. I shook my head, chasing away that ridiculous thought. We hadn’t even known each other for that long and here I was picking out china patterns and baby names. “That’s a good way to chase him away, Jenna,” I whispered to myself. It was as if Ethan could hear my thoughts when I pulled my ringing phone from my pocket and saw it was him.
“Well, hello there,” I answered.
“Hey, Jenna.”
I stood up, sensing right away that something was wrong just by his tone.
“Is everything okay?” I asked as I headed off the beach and back home.
“I just...I just needed to hear your voice.”
My heart swelled, not only over his words, but the pain in his voice.
“Ethan, what’s wrong?”
“My sister called to tell me my father is asking to talk to me. They’re not expecting him to make it through the night.”
“Oh, Ethan, I’m so sorry.” I didn’t know what else to say. I knew his relationship with his father wasn’t the best, but it seemed like it was hitting him hard.
“I’m not. God, Jenna, what the hell is wrong with me? I thought when the time actually came, I’d have a little empathy for him, but I feel nothing.”
“And that’s totally understandable after everything you went through as a child, and I’m not saying you should go talk to him if you don’t want, but maybe it would make you feel a little bit better about how you’re feeling if you did.”
“How?” His voice cracked with emotion.
“Let him know how he made you feel when you were a little boy. Get it off your chest and maybe you can move on from that part of your life. Don’t think of it as a way of helping him clear his conscience, but instead use it as a means to alleviate some of the pain and anger you’ve been harboring most of your life. Does that make sense?”
He was silent, and I started to second-guess my advice. “It does,” he whispered.
“Are you gonna go see him?”
“Yeah, I think I might.” His voice faltered.
I smiled. “Call me if you need me, okay?”
“Thanks, Jenna.”
“Anytime.”
We hung up the phone, and I was hoping my advice was right. Maybe if he could chip away at the things that were weighing him down from his past, he could start focusing on the future. I arrived home and checked my email just for the heck of it, and as suspected there was nothing. I didn’t mind waiting a few more days to read his story if it meant he could gain a little peace in his life by giving him the closure he so much deserved with his father.
Chapter 30
Ethan
“ETHAN!” HELENE LIFTED her head, revealing her swollen eyes.
I shifted my attention to my father, sleeping in his hospital bed, before averting my gaze. As I stood in the doorway, I started second-guessing my decision to come. The sound of the oxygen that was helping him breathe or the multiple IV bags hanging from the pole next to his bed keeping him nourished did nothing to render my emotions. It was as if it were a stranger lying in that bed, but I was certain I’d have even more compassion for a stranger than I did for him.
“Are you okay?” I asked Helene. Her well-being was my only concern.
“Yeah. He’s been in and out of it all day. I’m so glad you came.” She let out a loud sob and hugged me once again.
“I don’t…” I cleared my throat. “I don’t know why I did…I just—”
She squeezed my hands. “You just wanted to say goodbye.”
“No…no.” I shook my head. “That’s not it. I—”
“Ethan?” My name was barely audible, but just the mere sound of his voice made my stomach turn.
I pulled in my bottom lip.
Helene placed her hand on my shoulder and gazed up at me. “I’ll be right outside the room if you need me.” She stood on her tippy-toes and kissed my cheek. “I promise,” she whispered, bringing me back to those awful nights where she’d do everything in her power to offer me comfort.
“Ethan,” he called again.
I closed my eyes, trying to pull it together. I walked over to his bedside, staring down at his emaciated body that was once so big and powerful.
“My boy. My son. Thank you for coming.”
“I’m not your boy. I’m a man. A grown man who’s never known the love of a father.”
“I’m so sorry, Ethan.” He gasped for air as I stood there watching, almost relishing in the moment.
“Don’t apologize because I won’t accept it. We all have our demons we have to live with, ones we can never escape, even in death.”
“Ethan, that was a long time ago. I-I changed, and I wanted…you to—” He paused to inhale much-needed air. “But you wouldn’t allow me into your life.”
I turned around and stared out the window at the rooftop view. “You changed?” I started, still gazing out the window
. “Well, I’m glad you were able to change and forget about all the pain you caused Mom and me so easily.” I turned back around to face him. “But I’ll never forget. I’ll carry around the physical scars you left on me as well as the emotional ones for the rest of my life.” I shook my head, biting back the tears. I wouldn’t allow him to see me cry. “I had a son, and I loved him more than anything in this entire world. I would’ve killed someone if they ever laid a hand on him. I can’t even begin to know how much hate you had inside you to treat your own child that way. I was a good fuckin’ father!” I shouted, my voice cracking with emotion. “And I never got the chance to—” I pushed down the lump in my throat and pulled it together. “And someone like you…it’s just not fair.”
His piercing blue eyes burned into mine and for the first time in my life, I wasn’t afraid to stare back.
“So, you die with a clear conscience because you say you changed, but you will always be a monster to me.”
He nodded and closed his eyes. I was emotionless as a lone teardrop rolled down his face. The only feeling inside of me was the huge weight that had been holding me down my entire life lifting from my body. I gave him one last glance before walking out the door.
“Ethan…” Helene called as I whisked past her in the hallway, but I couldn’t stop as I raced for the elevator, needing to get out of that hospital, away from him, away from the memories.
I finally reached my car and got in. Banging on the steering wheel, I allowed my pent-up tears to come to the surface. They weren’t tears of sorrow for my father. Instead, they were the tears of my childhood. The ones I was forced to hold back when the thick leather strap of his belt would snap at my bare back or when his fist would meet the side of my face. The pain inside my heart had nothing to do with the fact that my father was dying and everything to do with the part of me that had died so long ago with the meeting of his hand.
***
I pulled into the parking spot in front of Jenna’s house and it dawned on me, I didn’t remember a second of the long drive I’d just taken. It was as if my heart was on autopilot, needing to see her beautiful face and feel the safety of her embrace. She was the only one who could ease the pain I was in. I walked onto the porch and knocked on her door. The seconds it took her to answer seemed like hours. When the door finally opened, and she appeared, I melted in her arms.
