by Kat Mizera
“I…” Her mouth fell open. “What are you talking about? I got kicked out of the house and sent away. And if you were so worried about your kid, where the hell were you?” Nearly eight years of pent-up frustration came out, and she was mortified when tears sprang to her eyes, but she lifted her chin, meeting his gaze defiantly.
“I ran into a little trouble.” He shrugged. “But you were supposed to love me—you were supposed to wait.”
“How, exactly, was I supposed to survive while I waited?” she asked, her jaw working in irritation. “I was seventeen and pregnant. My parents kicked me out. I had no job, no car, nowhere to go. I had no choice but to go to Alaska with my grandfather.”
“And then what? You just forgot about me? Made a new life for yourself?” He looked angry and Charli was taken aback by his attitude.
“I don’t know why you’re here, or how you knew I would be here, but you have no right to talk to me this way. You left me, not the other way around.”
“I was in prison,” he snapped. “It’s not like I had a choice.”
“Do they not allow letters in prison?” she shot back. She was shocked to hear he’d been in prison, but she was about to be sick to her stomach, and she’d come too far to let him hurt her like this. Not again.
“I don’t know how much you know about prison,” he said, “but it’s not quite a country club. I was fighting for my life in there.”
“Lots of men in prison still reach out to their families.”
“I assumed you meant it when you said you loved me, that you’d wait.”
“Just how long did you think I’d wait?” she asked.
“As long as it took.” He snatched up her left hand and smiled. “I see you’re not married. No one wants used goods, huh?”
She took a step back and shook her head. “I don’t have to listen to this. Have a good life, Roy.” She started walking towards the elevator but he fell into step behind her.
“Where are you going, Charli?”
“None of your business.”
“You owe me an explanation.”
“I don’t owe you anything.”
“Like hell.” He sped up and got in front of her, preventing her from continuing. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you since I got back and now you’re here. So we’re going to talk.”
“How did you even know I was here?” she demanded.
“We live in a small town,” he said with a shrug. “I heard about it the minute you got here. Everyone did.”
She internally winced but refused to show it, merely shrugging. “Well, I don’t live in this small town anymore, and I don’t owe you shit, so please excuse me.”
“I want to know where my kid is.”
She met his gaze. “I have no idea.”
“What the hell do you mean by that? How can you not know where it is?”
“That’s how adoption works, Roy. I wasn’t in any position to make it an open adoption, and they took him from me the day he was born.”
“Are you serious right now? You just let them take our baby?”
Charli swallowed, fighting off tears as she tried not to think about what was still the hardest day of her life. “I was alone, Roy, and I had to do what I thought was best.”
“Best for who?” He threw up his hands. “I mean, you held our baby in your arms and no maternal instincts kicked in? You just gave him up? What the hell kind of person are you?”
“A scared, young one,” she whispered. “It’s not like you were there with me.”
“What kind of woman gives away her baby?” he continued, as if she hadn’t said anything. “If you’d been any kind of mother, you would have found a way to make it work. You don’t throw away a child like some kind of inconvenience.”
She stared at him in disbelief. “Coming from the guy who couldn’t even be bothered to call or write a damn letter, don’t you dare talk to me like you know anything about what I did. I gave him to a family who’d provide a home for him.”
“Him? It was a son?” His face contorted angrily. “And you just gave him away? That was illegal, Charli. I’m his father and I had no say in it.”
“You had the option of getting in touch with me,” she said. “You chose not to.”
“Is that what you tell yourself so you can sleep at night? Because there’s no excuse for giving away a baby. I hope you don’t have any more kids, because you definitely don’t deserve them. No mother worth her salt would give up her baby. You’re the worst kind of human being and I’m ashamed to say I used to love you.” He turned and stomped off in the other direction, leaving her on the verge of tears, her heart breaking all over again.
Miikka hadn’t heard from Charli for two days and was starting to worry. He’d texted her twice today and she still hadn’t responded, so his gut was beginning to churn with fear about what might be going on between her and her parents. He knew her well enough to sense she was upset about something. She tended to retreat into herself when she was unhappy or trying to work something out, and he wasn’t sure what to do about it from so far away.
“Call her,” his mother told him that night.
“I’ve been calling,” he said miserably. “She’s not answering. I should have gone with her. I knew letting her go alone was a bad idea.”
“Then why didn’t you?”
He sighed. “I wanted to be here. This is home. This is…” His voice trailed off because that wasn’t really true anymore. It would always be his childhood home, but home was in Anchorage now. With Char-lot. Who was halfway around the world dealing with who knows what, by herself.
“I’m worried,” he said. “Her parents were not kind to her and I’m afraid of what they might do to her emotionally.”
“Then you should be at her side,” his mother responded.
“I know. I just thought—” He cut off as his phone rang and Charli’s name flashed on the screen. “Char-lot. How are you?” He got up and walked upstairs to his room for a little privacy.
“Hi.”
There was definitely something wrong because she sounded exhausted.
“How’s your father? I’ve been worried.”
“It’s been a long couple of days. Dad is doing better and they’re probably sending him home in a few days. I’m trying to spend time with him but my mother is driving me crazy.”
“What can I do?”
“Nothing. It seems like my dad is trying to mend fences but Mom is as difficult as ever.”
“How long will you stay?” he asked gently.
“I don’t know. My dad keeps asking me to stay even though I know my mom wants me to leave.”
“What do you want?”
“I want to be with you, but…” Her voice trailed off and she sighed. “We have to talk about something, Miikka.”
“Okay.”
“I’ve done a lot of thinking since I’ve been here and the longer we’re together, the more I realize we might not be on the same page about some things.”
“Same page?” He paused. “You mean we may disagree on things?”
“Well, yes, but I’m talking about something important. I’m talking about children.”
“What about them?”
“I don’t want kids and I know you do. I see how you are with Niko, with Leon, even with Matthew. You’re going to be such a great dad, and we both know I’m not cut out to be a mother.”
“Wh-what?” He was shocked. “What are you talking about? You’ll be a wonderful mother! I see you with Niko and your other students. Even with Leon—he thinks you’re amazing, just like I do.”
“He sees me like a big sister and I’m Niko’s teacher. It’s different. But the one thing it keeps coming back to is the fact that I gave up a child, Miikka. I carried him inside of me for nine months and held him in my arms the day he was born. Then I just signed some papers and gave him to strangers…” Her voice broke. “There’s definitely something wrong with me and I don’t think that’s fair to you.”
<
br /> For the hundredth time, he cursed his limited ability to communicate. Normally, it didn’t matter. They muddled through and she almost always read his mind, but she needed him right now and he couldn’t find the words to fix this. Especially not from thousands of miles away.
“Muruseni, that’s not true,” he said softly. “You’re everything to me. We’re good together and what you’re feeling about yourself is wrong.”
“Even so, I’m pretty sure I’m not cut out to be a mom, so if that’s a deal-breaker for you, it’s something we have to think about.”
His head was spinning because this had come out of left field and he had a feeling he wasn’t going to be able to handle it from Finland.
“I’m coming to Kansas,” he said abruptly.
“What? No, Miikka. That’s ridiculous. Stay with your family and enjoy your summer. I’m going to stay here at least until my dad gets out of the hospital and then—”
“No. I’m coming.”
“Coming here isn’t going to change my mind.”
“Do you really believe that every woman who has ever given up a baby is bad?”
“Not necessarily bad, just not maternal. Not the type of person who should have children.”
“We have years before we have to think about having babies,” he said gently.
“That’s a recipe for disaster,” she said sadly. “It’ll be hard enough if we break up now, but imagine how hard it will be in five years.”
Break up? He hated hearing her talk this way but realized there would be no changing her mind over the phone and he wasn’t going to let this happen. Not without a fight anyway.
“Look, take a few days and think about it,” she said. “I’m sure you’ll realize I’m right.”
“Char-lot, you’re not—”
“Please, let’s not fight,” she whispered. “Not on the phone like this. Take a few days and then we’ll talk again. Good night, Miikka.”
The shakiness of her voice told him she was on the verge of tears and the last thing he ever wanted to do was make her cry. She disconnected before he could say anything else and he stared at the phone for half a second before grabbing his laptop.
28
Seeing Roy had shaken Charli more than she wanted to admit. After leaving the hospital that day, she’d sat in her car and cried for half an hour before managing to get back to her parents’ house. She’d stood under the shower until there wasn’t any hot water left and went to bed without dinner. His words had hurt. More than anything else he’d done to her, reminding her she wasn’t fit to be a mother, that she didn’t even have maternal instincts, was probably the most hurtful thing anyone had ever said to her.
“Charlotte, have you been eating?”
Charli was sitting at the kitchen table sipping a cup of coffee and looked up at her mother blankly. “I’m sorry, what?”
“What’s wrong with you? You’ve been off the last couple of days.”
“Nothing. Just tired.” She got up and rinsed her cup. She hadn’t told her parents that she’d seen Roy. “Did you know Roy was back in town?”
Her mother pursed her lips. “Yes, of course. Works at the garage on Maple now. He was in prison. Did you know that?”
“Not until I saw him at the hospital the other day.”
“You saw him?” Denita’s eyes narrowed. “Charlotte, please tell me you’re not going to give up your relationship with Mike for this thug from your past.”
“His name is Miikka, and no, of course I’m not giving him up for Roy. I just wondered if you’d seen him, if you told him anything about me.”
“I’ve seen him at church a few times, but we’ve never spoken, and certainly not about you. Why? What did he say?”
“He asked me where the baby was and it seems odd that he came back here after getting out of prison but didn’t ask you where I was.”
“He’s never approached me, and if he spoke to your father, he never said anything to me about it.”
“Okay.”
“Be careful of him, Charlotte. He’s not the teenager you remember.”
“Believe me, I want nothing to do with him.”
That was the truth and as she got dressed to go back to the hospital, she wondered how Roy had known she would be at the hospital that day. Had he been following her or had he simply assumed she would be there because that’s where her father was? It was a little disconcerting to think he was getting information about her from somewhere, but people at the church had most likely been gossiping, one of many things she hated about this small town.
She was anxious to leave and get back to Anchorage where the past haunted her a lot less and she wasn’t likely to run into Roy at any given time, but going home meant coming to terms with walking away from Miikka. After their awkward phone conversation the other night, she was trying to imagine her life without him once she went home, and that opened up a whole different kind of hurt.
“I’m going to stop by the church to see if there are any bills to pay or phone calls that need to be returned, so I’ll see you at the hospital in a couple of hours.” Denita waved on her way out and Charli walked out to her rental car.
She hadn’t slept for shit the last couple of nights and without Miikka, her loneliness was overwhelming. Her father was trying to build some sort of relationship with her, but it was hard to forget what her parents had done. She was keeping quiet about it because of his health issues, but even if she could forgive them, she would never forget what they’d done. Which left her as lonely as ever. And heartbroken too, because Miikka deserved someone who would give him a house full of the children he wanted.
She stopped at the gift shop to buy a book of crossword puzzles for her dad since he was feeling better and getting a little bored. He’d loved doing them when she was growing up so she hoped he still did, even if he got tired a lot more easily these days. The doctor said he was doing well and the stents they’d put in would help him live a long, healthy life as long as he watched his diet and took better care of himself.
“Morning, Dad.” She walked into the room and gaped at the sight before her.
Miikka was sitting in the chair beside her father’s bed and they were chatting amiably.
“Good morning.” Miikka stood up with his usual friendly smile, but his eyes were intense as they met hers.
“Miikka.” She walked up to him in surprise and he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.
“Surprise,” he whispered.
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to meet your family and see how your father is doing,” he said. “I wanted to see if there was anything I could do to help.”
“Your young man has made me smile this morning,” Norman said. “Telling me about his hockey and all.”
“It was such a long flight,” she said softly, looking up at him with so much love in her heart. Why had he come? He was just going to make it harder for them to go their separate ways.
“You’re worth it,” he said, his eyes never leaving hers. “And we have things to talk about.”
She turned to her father, since she wasn’t sure how to respond to that. “Dad, I brought you a book of crosswords. Do you still like them?”
“Love them. Thank you.” He nodded.
“Has the doctor been in yet?”
“He was here at seven o’clock sharp. Said if the tests today all come back good, he’ll send me home in a day or two.”
“That’s great.”
“Does that mean you’ll be going home too?” he asked.
“Dad, you know I can’t stay here in Kansas. My life is in Anchorage.”
“It’s been a long time. I feel like I just got you back.”
Charli swallowed, always at a loss for words lately. “Dad, we can’t fix the past in a few days.”
“We can come to visit,” Miikka interjected. “And when you’re better, you can come to visit us, maybe come for a hockey game.”
“Now that sounds like fun.”
Miikka and her father started to chat again and though Miikka slid an arm around her waist as they talked, Charli felt lonelier than ever. Being here with him while knowing they no longer had a future together was unbearable and she planned to get him alone as soon as her mother arrived.
“Good morning.” Denita came in an hour later and froze when her eyes rested on Miikka.
“Denita, come meet Charlotte’s young man. This is Michael.”
“Miikka Laasonen.” Miikka didn’t seem at all upset that her father couldn’t get his name right, and he just smiled and shook Denita’s hand.
“Charlotte didn’t tell us you were coming,” she told Miikka.
“It was a surprise,” he said. “I wanted to see if there was anything I could do for Mr. Bartosiewicz.”
“That was very kind,” Denita said stiffly. “But I think we have everything we need. Family is really all you need in times like this.”
“Well, of course, and Charli and her family are my family now too.”
Charli wasn’t sure if she wanted to kiss him or smack him.
“You don’t become family until you’re married,” Denita responded. “Are you planning to get married?”
“That’s the plan,” Miikka responded without missing a beat.
That seemed to take the wind out of her sails and Charli took the opportunity to change the subject. “Mom, we’re going to go get something to eat. Miikka had a really long flight to get here. We’ll be back in a little while, okay?”
“Yes. All right.” Denita nodded and Charli practically dragged Miikka from the room.
“I’m not hungry,” he protested once they got into the hallway.
“Yes, but we have to talk and we can’t do it in there.”
“Char-lot.” He stopped and turned to her, pulling her close. “I love you. Nothing changes that.”
“Not now, no. But in a few years? What happens when you want babies and I won’t give them to you?”
“My love.” He took her hands in both of his and brought them to his chest. “You can’t let the past dictate what your heart wants. Don’t you see that what you did was the biggest sacrifice any mother can make? You gave up your child, a piece of you, so that he could have a life you couldn’t provide. How does this make you a bad mother?”
