‘You wanted to hide in a Wendy house with a little girl so you didn’t have to talk to Sam?’ Riley says, bristling.
‘No! No! That’s not what I meant! I didn’t know she was in there!’ I look at Samantha with utter disbelief. ‘How is she here? Why is she here?’
Samantha grits her teeth and glares at me before answering. ‘Lindsay was kind enough to drive me home after you . . . you . . .’ She can’t bring herself to finish that sentence. ‘We struck up a friendship in the car on the way back.’
‘Oh.’
Well, at least I haven’t got to worry that there’s a mischievous and hateful deity above my head causing all of these godawful coincidences.
‘Hang on,’ Lindsay – mother of Lauren the bogey monster – says, looking at me properly for the first time. ‘Isn’t this Oliver? The bloke who asked you to marry him?’
‘Yes,’ Samantha says, shifting uncomfortably. This reminds me of why I am here today. I am extremely glad to see her shift around like that. She’s obviously still totally ashamed of what she did to me!
Lindsay regards me with a mixture of revulsion and pity. It’s quite something to behold, especially coming from someone who has a child who likes to wipe their nose product down people’s faces. ‘I’m going to take Lauren over to the café,’ she says, starting to back away.
‘Okay,’ Samantha says, smiling down at Lauren as she does.
The three of us watch the girl and her mother withdraw, and then regard one another again. This is starting to feel like something of a stand-off – and it’s very definitely two against one.
Samantha sighs. ‘You look . . . well?’ she hazards, trying to keep things polite.
I give her a flat stare. ‘Do I?’
She looks deeply uncertain.
It’s funny, but now I’m actually talking to her, I don’t feel anywhere near as scared. Anticipation is always worse than reality – Wimsy was 100 per cent right.
. . . though, I suggest you don’t apply that logic to sticking your hand in a gas fire any time soon.
‘Why have you come here, Ollie?’ she asks me, getting to the root of the matter.
‘I . . . I wanted to come here to ask you why, actually, Samantha.’
Her eyes narrow. ‘Could you please call me Sam, Ollie? Everyone else on the planet seems to have no problem with it. I’m not sure why you do.’
‘I thought you liked Samantha.’
‘Not really, no. It sounds so bloody formal.’
Well, that’s a shock. I genuinely thought she loved it.
Something deep within me shifts. I always believed I knew Samantha as well as anyone could know another person. In all the time we were together, I thought I’d come to know her completely.
Apparently not, though.
‘Okay . . . Sam.’ It sounds so alien in my mouth. ‘I came to ask you why.’
‘Why what?’
‘Why you did it to me, Sam.’ Oh dear. Starting to feel that anger now. And I don’t have a golf ball I can fire at Samantha, so I might as well just tell her how I’m really feeling, and get it over with. ‘Why you dumped me in front of all those people! Why you ended a beautiful relationship! Why you broke my heart, Samantha!’ I look at her incredulously. ‘Why did you break my heart?!’
Yes!
Look how taken aback she is! Look how guilty she is!
No!
Look how angry Riley is! Look how much taller and broader he is than me!
‘You’d better get out of here, mate, before I knock your fucking block off,’ Riley says, stepping forward.
I sneer at him. ‘You sure you want to go out with her, buddy? She’ll only end up dumping you too!’
‘You bastard!’ Samantha cries.
I’m amazed. ‘Me?? I’m the bastard?? I loved you, Samantha! I did everything for you! And you just led me down the garden path, didn’t you? I thought we were going to be together forever! You made me think you felt the same way!! You LIED TO ME!’
‘I didn’t bloody lie to you!’
‘Yes, you did!’ All the anger and frustration of the past few months is boiling over now. ‘You fucking dumped me! When I asked you to marry me! Who does something like that, Samantha? Who?’
Tears are starting to well up in her eyes now. Good.
‘I had to end things with you, Ollie!’ she wails. ‘It was all too much! YOU were too much! It was all going way too fast for me!’
‘Too fast?! Too bloody fast?!’ I scream. ‘We were in love! We were meant to be! We were together for all of that time!’
And now it’s Samantha’s turn to look at me with utter disbelief. ‘What do you mean all of that time?’
‘Oh God!’ I exclaim, exasperation filling every pore of my being. ‘All the time we were together!’
‘Ollie . . . we only went out with one another for THREE MONTHS!’
She screams the last two words so loud, they echo around the garden centre walls, and cause a couple of startled pigeons to take flight.
For a moment there is nothing but silence. And then I speak again.
‘SO?’ I scream back at her. ‘So bloody what? That was long enough, Samantha! That was more than long enough for me to know it was right! That it was perfect!’
‘Oh my God!’ she wails, head going into her hands.
‘Are you fucking mental?’ Riley interjects.
‘What?’ I spit at him.
‘Are . . . you . . . mental?’ he repeats slowly, so I can understand.
‘No! I . . . am . . . not,’ I reply, parroting him.
‘Really? So, you thought that it was fine to ask a woman to marry you when you’d only been seeing her for three months?’
‘Yes!’
‘Three months.’
‘Yes! What part of that don’t you understand?!’
He blinks a couple of times. ‘Jesus Christ. I’ve had things in the fridge for longer than that, and I didn’t ask them to marry me.’
‘But . . . I . . . ah . . . wh?’ I stammer, unable to get any words out.
Samantha looks up at me again, distraught. ‘Don’t you see, Ollie? Don’t you see how it was all too fast for me?’
‘Gh . . . mh . . . I . . . eh . . .’
‘It was all too much! I liked you . . . Maybe I was even starting to love you, but you came on too strong. Too fast. I felt . . . trapped. I felt rushed. I just couldn’t do it any more.’
‘But . . . But I loved you. You were the one.’
‘I know, Ollie.’ There’s sympathy in her voice now. I hate her and love her for it in equal measure. ‘And I’m sorry. I really am. But it was too much. You were too much. You were just so . . . so . . . needy.’
I stare at her, bottom lip trembling. ‘I am not needy!’
And then it all flashes in front of my eyes . . .
My relationship with Samantha. The one I had with Yukio. And Gretchen. And Lisa.
‘Dumped Actually’. Erica. Vanity.
All of it.
‘Oh fuck me,’ I say in a rush of breath. ‘I am bloody needy!’
Well, of course I am.
I’m pathologically needy.
I’m a people pleaser. A man constantly in need of affection and attention.
All the things I’ve done in the past few weeks to open my eyes to the kind of person I am have crystallised in this one moment of absolute clarity about my break-up with Samantha.
I look at her anguished face. ‘Oh bloody hell, Sam. I’m really, really sorry.’
A weight I didn’t know was there is instantly lifted from my shoulders. The truth of it. The clear, honest, horrible truth of it, is there for me to witness for the first time.
And bizarrely, the understanding feels wonderful. Wonderful to have an answer at last. Wonderful to know why it all went wrong. And most of all, wonderful to realise that the woman I’d fallen in love was absolutely worth it . . . even if I wasn’t.
It’s not you, Samantha. It is most definitely me.
I
look at Riley and point to Samantha. ‘Give her a hug, mate.’
He stares at me for a second, before nodding, and wrapping his arms around her.
There’s still pain in my heart as I watch him do this. But it’s muted now. It’s less.
I feel like I’m closing the door on something in my mind and in my heart, and the relief is quite palpable.
Mixed in with this sense of relief is a heap load of gut-wrenching guilt, though. Guilt that I put poor old Samantha through all of this.
I then let out a gasp as I realise something for the first time.
‘Dumped Actually’.
I’ve been writing about Samantha in ‘Dumped Actually’ all of this time, and I’ve made her out to be the bad guy. I’ve written about her like she was the one to blame for all of my heartache.
And she’s probably read it.
‘Oh my God,’ I exclaim to the heavens as Riley continues to hug his girlfriend. ‘Samantha – I’m so, so sorry for all the things I’ve written about you!’ I blurt. ‘I wasn’t . . . I wasn’t thinking straight. I haven’t been for a very long time.’ The deserved shame in my voice makes me want to vomit. I am an awful human being.
Riley gives me the dirtiest look imaginable. ‘Yeah, well. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to hug her like this because of you. She’s been humiliated, thanks to your bloody stories.’
‘I didn’t mean to do that!’ I wail, almost feeling like I could burst out crying.
I think I’m fully realising how impactful ‘Dumped Actually’ has been. All this time I’ve been concerned about how it affects just my life . . . and I’ve completed ignored how it could negatively affect the lives of the people I’ve been talking about. I don’t ever remember mentioning Samantha’s surname in the articles I’ve written, but anyone who knows that she dated me would know it was her in an instant.
Oh God.
‘Sam . . . I’m so sorry,’ I repeat. I could say sorry a thousand times and it probably wouldn’t be enough. ‘I was hurt . . . and in pain . . . and I haven’t been thinking straight.’ Now I’m the one putting his head in his hands. ‘I haven’t actually been thinking straight for a very long time . . .’
Sam regards me at first without much compassion, but as she watches me trembling on the verge of tears again, I can see her face softening somewhat.
Sam looks at her boyfriend. ‘Riley? Can you . . . Can you go and let Paula know I need a few minutes off? She can handle the store for a bit.’ She then looks at me. ‘I think I need to sort something out with Ollie . . . once and for all.’
Riley nods, gives me a look of a million daggers and makes his way off to inform Paula (or JanJane, as I inexplicably dubbed her) that their boss will be a little preoccupied in the immediate future, talking to the man who has trashed her character online.
Once Riley is gone, Sam turns back to me and folds her arms for a second. ‘What the hell to do with you, Oliver Sweet,’ she says, shaking her head. Then she reaches out a hand and points at the Wendy house. ‘In there, you.’
‘Pardon?’
‘Back in there. I want to do this in private.’
My face flushes. What does she want to do in private?
I don’t answer her, but crouch back down and crawl into the Wendy house again as I’ve been ordered to do, swiftly followed by Sam, who does it with a lot more grace than me.
I sit cross-legged on one side, while she does the same on the other. We can both sit up like this fine. It’s quite the expansive Wendy house. No wonder Lauren likes being in here.
Sam looks at me silently for a few moments, no doubt thinking of the best way to start this awkward, but necessary, conversation.
‘You don’t need to apologise, Ollie,’ she eventually says. ‘And that’s because I don’t have to apologise to you, either. I know what I did at Thorn Manor was a shitty thing, but I was trapped and confused, and didn’t handle it well.’
I hold out a hand. ‘Please. You were absolutely right to do what you did. I was clearly coming on way too strong. I should never have put you in that position. Not that fast, anyway. I should have . . . I should have . . .’
I don’t know what I should have.
The absolute worst thing about all of this is that if I wasn’t such a needy little sod, then maybe my relationship with Sam would have flourished properly, over the right amount of time, and maybe my marriage proposal would have had a far more positive answer.
That way I wouldn’t be sat cross-legged in a Wendy house across from a beautiful, intelligent and good woman – who I lost because of my stupidity.
‘Stop it,’ she says.
‘Huh?’
‘Stop it, Ollie. Stop beating yourself up.’
‘What else am I supposed to do?’
‘Forgive. Forgive us both. I have. It’s not your fault that you were the way you were with me, and it’s not my fault I had to end it with you. I don’t want to spend a moment more resenting you, and I don’t want you to resent me, either.’
I nod slowly. ‘Look, I am so sorry for the way I’ve written about you.’
Sam shakes her head. ‘Don’t worry about it. You were never that awful, Ollie. I don’t think you could be, even if you tried. It’s one of the reasons I was attracted to you in the first place. I was just upset that I was being made out as the villain of the piece.’
‘I’ll make it up to you!’ I blurt. ‘I’ll do a write-up about what happened here today, and I’ll make sure everybody knows what the truth is! If . . . If you want me to, that is.’
Sam’s eyes narrow as she thinks about this. ‘That’d be nice, yes. Thank you. Though maybe don’t say anything about hiding in here with Lauren. People might get the wrong idea.’
I shake my head. ‘People have had the wrong idea about me for months now, don’t worry about it. Thankfully they just all think I’m a fumbling idiot, rather than a pervert. I can’t leave Lauren out, anyway. She’s kind of the star of the piece.’
Sam actually laughs at this. Her face lights up, and my heart starts to break all over again.
I look at Sam and heave a deep sigh. ‘I was never good enough for you,’ I tell her.
Sam shuffles forward and does something that takes me completely by surprise. She wraps her arms around me.
‘Yes, you were,’ she says into my ear. ‘You were – and are – a lovely man in so many ways, Ollie. I knew that then, and I know it even more now from what I’ve read about you.’ She then moves her head slightly away from me, so her face is right in front of mine. ‘You just need to . . . I don’t know . . . find your centre. Do you know what I mean?’
‘I think so.’
‘You tried to make me your centre.’ She shakes her head. ‘But it’ll never be right, Ollie. It’ll never be right until it . . . until it comes from inside you. You know what I mean?’
I can’t believe I lost this girl. I can’t believe it at all.
‘Yeah, I know what you mean. But . . . But I don’t know how, Sam. I don’t know where to find it.’
‘You will.’
‘Will I?’
‘Yes. You just need to get to the bottom of why you feel the way you do. Why you . . . push things too hard. That’s all.’
That’s all, she says. Like it’s the easiest thing in the world.
‘Okay, Sam. I’ll try.’
‘Good.’ She smiles and looks around for a second. ‘Now. If you wouldn’t mind, I want to give you one last kiss.’
‘What?’
‘You heard me. I love Riley to pieces, but I did love you as well, Ollie. Even if it was only for a very brief moment in my life. I want the last memory I have of you to be a good one. Do you want that too?’
No, Sam. I want the last memory I have of you to be when I die an old and happy man.
‘Yeah,’ I tell her. ‘That’d be nice.’
Sam leans forward and plants her lips on mine.
It is the best and worst kiss I will ever receive in my life.
&nbs
p; The ghost of it will stay with me for the rest of my days.
I will go many places and do many things in the time I have left to me – and I will do them all with this moment carried in my heart throughout. It will sustain me in times of pain. It will make me smile in times of peace. It will be a moment I will never forget.
One of many moments, caught between a void.
Sam leans back again, smiles, but then looks startled as she thinks of something. ‘Please don’t put that in “Dumped Actually”.’
I smile. ‘Don’t worry, I won’t. I think that moment stays between you and me – and nobody else.’
‘Good,’ she replies, grinning.
And then we’re hugging again.
This hug will go into the next chapter of ‘Dumped Actually’. In fact, it will be the way I’ll end it, I think.
Because what better way can there be for Samantha to depart this story than with the warm embrace of friendship and forgiveness?
And make no mistake, she does depart this story now – forever.
Because the story is not about her. As much as I would have loved it to have been. As much as I needed it to be – it’s not. Nor is it about Yukio, or Gretchen, or Lisa. Or anybody else.
This story is about me.
It’s about bloody time I accepted that.
I’m going to try my hardest to stop being so needy. I’m going to try my hardest to put myself first for a change. I’m going to try my hardest to please myself, for once.
I’m going to try my hardest to do all of these things – but I am scared out of my mind that I’m going to fail, unless I get to the bottom of what makes me tick. Unless I get a better understanding of why I’ve acted the way I have – not just with Samantha, but with all of the women I’ve been with – I’m never going to have a successful relationship. That much is clear to me now. What is making me so desperate to please? I have to find out. I just have to.
That all starts with climbing out of this Wendy house, saying a last farewell to Sam and leaving this bloody garden centre.
I might buy a pot plant for my parents on the way out, though. They like those.
CHAPTER NINE
A ONE-WAY TRIP INTO A WEIRD LITTLE MIND
Dumped, Actually Page 19
