‘Calm down!’ she laughed.
‘Fuck! I don’t know what to do with all of this.’ I started pacing. Elle stopped me and stroked her hand across my back. She couldn’t hide her smile.
‘Tell him how you’re feeling.’
I leant over the sink and took a deep breath. ‘But there are so many feelings, Elle. Where do I even start?’
After we dropped Elle at her place, Jamie drove me to my flat in silence. Occasionally, I felt him looking at me, but when I turned to him, his eyes were fixed on the road ahead.
‘So, I feel I know you a little better after tonight. Here’s what I’ve picked up so far. You’re training to be a social worker,’ he said, eventually breaking the silence
‘That’s a given. Not impressed.’
‘Hold on. I also know Elle is your best friend and Gem’s a good friend too.’ I rolled my eyes lazily.
‘Amazing skills of observation.’
‘I also know you like good chocolate cake despite swimming every morning before work, looking after your body and eating well at all other times. You obviously work off the extra calories by dancing until you get thrown out of a club.’
‘Pretty accurate, Dawson.’
‘Tell me what else I need to know.’
‘Well, I’m an only child.’
‘Me too,’ he smiled in response to the rubbish details I was throwing his way.
‘And I may appear to look after my body, but I do like cake. And alcohol. And eating out. Preferably Italian, which is all the carbs, so not great for the muffin top,’ I said, patting my stomach.
He looked down and smiled. ‘That’s a non-existent muffin top you’ve just patted there.’
‘You could make a better assessment if you had the privilege of seeing me naked.’
He carried on looking ahead, but I still noticed the smirk.
‘Anywhere here is fine.’ As he pulled up outside the entrance, I began to wonder how we would end the night. It felt exciting, like we were at the start of something big.
‘Night. I’ll see you tomorrow,’ he said, banging on the steering wheel with his fingers.
We sat in silence until I couldn’t stand it anymore.
‘Are we counting this as a first date then?’ I asked cheekily.
‘Bit of a shit date,’ he laughed.
‘Thanks!’
‘No, I meant I wasn’t aware we were on a date. If I was, I would have tried to get some time alone instead of spending it with mates and colleagues.’
‘Maybe next time.’
‘Maybe,’ he smiled.
I wanted to invite him in, but I knew sex would be the obvious outcome and sex would only complicate things.
I got out of the car and tapped on his window. He pulled it down, allowing me to lean in. My bravado puffed out its chest. I couldn’t help myself. ‘I don’t want you to think I didn’t want you to fuck me tonight, but as it’s not an official first date, I didn’t feel it was appropriate to invite you in. Plus I’m really not that kind of girl.’
He laughed loudly, pressing the back of his head to the headrest then dropping it quickly. I stood back, allowing him to lazily drop his gaze across my body. ‘Come back tomorrow and we’ll see.’ I winked dramatically and smiled as I backed towards my door. His car stayed at the side of the road, the window still down, his hand tapping the steering wheel. He looked like he wanted to say something but couldn’t quite make it.
He stayed smiling at the side of the road until I disappeared inside.
Chapter Eleven
Jamie
Then.
She dropped her bags in a whirlwind of chaos. ‘Sorry I’m late. I went for a swim before work and lost track of time. Anyway, I’m here now.’
I counted four bags. Four fucking bags. What did she possibly need to carry that involved four bags? I knew one contained lunch. For the past couple of weeks, she had started making double sandwiches, one extra for me when I admitted there were days I would go without eating if it was particularly manic. Double sandwiches turned into double bags of crisps. Except they weren’t crisps, they were rice cakes—and they tasted like cardboard. She had brought them in just for me, so I ate every last one until I gasped for water. Double bottles of water started next, along with some kind of rice cake with chocolate across the top. A treat, apparently, but even the chocolate didn’t improve it. In the afternoon, she would slip me a slice of fruit bread. I swear my heart grew bigger every bloody day. Heart-swelling was a totally new experience for me. I liked it.
‘What’s the drill for today, Dawson.’
I liked the way she called me by my last name. So fucking unique. So her. I had a feeling she was the kind of woman who kept a condom in her bra just in case and one in her sock just in case after that. No apologies. No nerves. Just enough confidence and self-assurance to be brilliant in her own flawless way. She was unlike anyone I had ever met before. Bold and brash. Never afraid to speak her mind—and always fucking did. Most people like her would be branded a royal bitch, but she was so far away from that. She was perfectly Abi. Distinctive. Loved and adored by everyone in and out of the office.
I adored her more.
She made me smile every bloody day. I found myself getting into work earlier so I could catch her entrance. Always chaotic. Always brilliantly her. Mad, big, eccentric, and bold. She’d brought a breath of fresh air from the moment she arrived, just like she’d brought a light into my life that I didn’t even know I needed. She had illuminated everything.
‘Observation at ten. Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten,’ I said.
‘I was hoping you’d forgotten.’
‘How on earth do you think you’re going to pass your placement if I conveniently forget your observations?’
‘I could find a way to bribe the practice tutor,’ she said with a smile.
My mind started to wander. It started with kissing, then moving my hand down to the curve of her waist, then unclasping her bra, the white lacy one she was wearing on her first day, the same one that tortured my mind whenever I tried to sleep. Then I thought about her touching me in places I’d been imagining in the shower every morning and night.
Showers were coming out of my ears. I’d never been so clean.
Nipples. Can we talk nipples? I was still wondering what my tongue would feel like wrapped around that piercing. I studied her nose piercing far longer than was necessary. I imagined the same tiny crystal at the edge of her nipple. Her nipples were all I could think about. She was all I could think about. God, she was beautiful.
‘Jamie!’
‘What? Sorry. Yes. Bribery. We could discuss that.’ She laughed, which was an issue because it seemed to cause my cock to throb. I hadn’t hidden so many erections since I was a horny teenager.
‘I said I’m already bribing you with lunch every day,’ she laughed again.
Fuck.
We didn’t need to discuss bribery. She already had two observations under her belt and had smashed both. Today’s observation of a parenting assessment session would be a breeze for the intelligent woman sitting in front of me. She got social work. She had it perfected. She had a brilliant ability to tell it like it was without causing offense or starting a social work hate campaign from the clients she worked with. They liked her honesty.
‘So that’s why you slipped me a Mars bar the other day.’
‘I knew you couldn’t face another rice cake, so I decided to give you a treat.’
She smiled at me and I felt an uncontrollable urge to jump across the table and kiss her until she was mine. Would she ever be mine? Fuck, I wanted her to be mine.
Sitting in close proximity for the last month had given me access to so much. She liked to snack on sunflower seeds at 11:00 a.m. She waited until her coffee was a lower temperature than scolding before she drank it. She liked half a sugar in her tea. She would help anyone in the office. She enjoyed being part of every aspect of social work. She also smiled broadly whenever she checke
d her phone, which led me to wonder if she had a boyfriend texting her sweet nothings and pure filth. I wanted to ask her, but how could I fit that into everyday conversation? Pass me the stapler, and do you happen to have a boyfriend?
‘I have to smile whenever I get a text from Elle because I know she’s sitting in the next room.’
Thank you, God. Just Elle. No boyfriend. Just Elle.
‘How’s she getting on with Luke?’
‘Don’t say anything, but I think she may have a crush.’
‘Tell her to stay away from him. He’s trouble.’
‘Oh, Elle isn’t like that.’
What are you like, Abi Sinclair? Tell me everything. Give me it all.
‘Like what?’
Dangerous ground, Dawson.
‘She doesn’t mess around. She’s all for her career. No outside distractions.’
‘Outside distractions are the worst,’ I deadpanned while pretending to scribble something important on my notepad when really, all I had scribbled was: What is Abi’s definition of messing around?
‘Depends.’ As she replied, blood rushed to parts of my body I appeared to no longer have any control over.
‘On?’
‘The type of distraction.’
‘Yes,’ I replied hoarsely, like my voice had a fucking hard-on.
‘Some distractions can be good.’
‘Yes.’
‘So good,’ she said.
Fuck me. I was a millimetre away from showing her my sex face.
Adjust yourself. Do not show her your groin.
‘Jamie.’
‘Yes, Abi?’
‘Can I be your distraction?’
Officially fucked.
Chapter Twelve
Abi
Then.
He didn’t reply.
My heart stopped.
He smiled, and that familiar blush across the apples of his cheeks appeared, but he didn’t acknowledge my question with any words and I was so confused. I was certain I hadn’t read the signals wrong. Didn’t he feel it too?
I was thankful when the clock finally dragged its hand to midday and I could use the excuse of meeting Elle outside for lunch just to give us some distance.
‘I’ve made soup today,’ I said as I stood up with my lunch bag dangling from my arm. ‘Is that OK?’
‘Of course. Anything you bring me is OK,’ he said into his computer screen as he lazily tapped on the keyboard. Was he responding to something urgent, or was it merely a distraction?
Fuck. Why the hell was I questioning things? I never did that.
‘Be right back,’ I said.
Ethan was sitting at the desk by the door, and as I struggled to carry everything and get out of the office, he stood up to open it and then followed me down the corridor.
‘Only a few more weeks left?’ he said.
‘Yeah, three left.’
‘And you’re still here. Amazing.’
‘Actually, I’m loving it. I think I’ve found my calling.’
‘Abi, I don’t want you to think I’m being forward, but I’ve been building up the courage since you told me you and Jamie aren’t an item. I wondered if you’d like to go out for a drink sometime?’
‘Oh fuck, erm…I’m really not sure.’ Just as I was collecting my thoughts, Jamie stepped past us, throwing Ethan a look of disgust.
‘Excuse me for interrupting,’ Jamie muttered as he started clanking pots around in the sink. I wanted to laugh at how alpha male he was being when I knew he was anything but.
I felt sorry for Ethan because I knew we were never going to happen. The man I wanted was standing behind me.
‘Don’t mind me,’ Jamie replied, slamming a plate down in the sink. ‘Pretend I’m not here.’
He was scowling, his sculpted cheekbones now defined with an intense shade of red. His reaction was starting to piss me off. Five minutes ago, I had asked if I could be his distraction, but he acted like I had asked him if he wanted an extra slice of bread with his soup.
‘Let’s talk,’ I said to Ethan as I pushed my arm through his, walking us outside. ‘Ethan, I’m flattered, really, but I don’t mix business with pleasure.’ His head shot back like I’d just pinched him on the tip of his cock.
‘I must have read the situation wrong. I’m sorry.’
The double doors flung open, banging the wall, the noise forcing us to look towards them. ‘Ethan, I’m going to need you to come out with me on a visit. It needs two people,’ Jamie said through a tight grimace. ‘Now.’
‘The visit I’m going on?’
‘No. The visit you were going on.’
‘What’s happened between you asking me and now?’
‘I need someone more experienced.’
‘Fuck you.’
‘Watch your mouth, Abi.’
‘Or what?’ I said, visibly shaking and barely noticing the small crowd of spectators at the window. Jamie walked back into the office with me blazing fire behind him. ‘You don’t get to say whether I go on a visit or not!’
‘I hate to remind you, but I do get a say. I’m your practice teacher, so I make the decisions.’ He started pulling open drawers, rifling urgently through papers, only to leave them where he had found them before closing the drawer again.
‘Is this decision based on my professional capabilities, or something else?’
‘Drop it, Abi. This isn’t the time.’
I looked around and realised from the stares that I was causing a scene. Usually, that wouldn’t stop me, but I wanted to pass this placement. I was so close to qualifying I could taste it.
‘Fine. I’ll be outside if you want to discuss this further.’ He didn’t follow immediately, so I did what I always do when feelings overwhelmed me. I took my earphones from my pocket, pushed them into my ears and started listening to music.
He followed five minutes later, allowing the onlookers to disappear back into their offices and find something else to gossip about. I pretended I hadn’t heard him and sat with my eyes closed, regulating my breathing and letting the music take over my anger.
‘I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry,’ he said as he sat down next to me on the wooden bench, his trousers pulled up at the ankle to reveal pink, green and navy blue stripy socks. I had to swallow a single sob, the kind you wrestle with during a particularly heavy orgasm that your body just doesn’t know what to do with—now officially known as a sock-gasm.
‘I didn’t hear that. What did you say?’ I felt a tug on my ear when he pulled the wire, making it fall to my lap.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘What’s the soundtrack to your life?’ I asked.
‘Random,’ he said dipping his head to the side.
‘Music and lyrics are my thing. Elle and I have always played a game where we have to name a song that would describe a pivotal moment in our lives. A song they would play in the background if your life was made into a film.’
‘Is there a song for a bloke who’s just been a dick?’
‘I’m sure we can think of something.’
‘What would be your song to describe this moment?’
‘My life is an Adele album, so I’m thinking “Chasing Pavements” would best describe this moment,’ I said, swinging my feet under the bench, finally crossing them at my ankles.
‘Because?’
‘It’s about unrequited love. Should she keep trying, or is it a complete waste of time?’ There was no response from him, so I had no option but to go with honesty. ‘This all started when Ethan asked me out.’
‘He’s been watching you. I had a feeling he was going to make a move. I’m surprised he didn’t last night.’
‘He must have bigger balls than you then.’
‘You know, that’s probably right. Knowing he got there first pissed me off.’
‘What are you talking about? I just threw myself at you. Last night I told you I wanted you to fuck me. Today was a more subtle way of saying I’ve been th
inking about your cock in my mouth since the day you spilled coffee down me.’ I heard him mutter expletives under his breath as he squeezed his forehead with his fingers. I was proud I’d encouraged a brand new nervous tick. ‘You didn’t answer. You barely managed a smile.’
‘Abi, I can’t think of anything else but you. All I see is you. You’re surrounding me and consuming me. You’re everywhere and it scares the shit out of me. I didn’t plan for this. I was fine before you waded into my life with your confidence and your green eyes that grabbed me by my throat. Things were going great. You know why? Because I’d never eaten a chocolate covered rice cake,’ he smiled, his laughter forcing him to drop his head.
‘Jamie,’ I said, looking down at his feet to hold in all the feelings that were dying to burst out of me. ‘Can I please have a pair of your socks?’
‘Fucking hell. I’ve never met anyone like you.’
Chapter Thirteen
Jamie
Then.
She was watchful this morning. I checked the diary to see if she could be anxious about something, but that didn’t make any sense because she didn’t get anxious about anything. I watched her eyes search the desk for the pen I’d hidden for her. She moved her diary and randomly picked up the phone until she finally pulled open her desk drawer, reached in, and yelped like she’d been bitten by a snake. I sat back, taking in the smile that had immediately appeared across her beautiful face. She looked up, her eyes shining and her lip drawn under her teeth as she pulled out a rolled up pair of yellow, green and orange stripy socks and a note that I’d placed there alongside the missing pen. As she unfolded the note, I heard a small gasp.
‘Green Eyes’—Coldplay.
I had thought about the soundtrack of my life all night. I wanted to join in with the weirdness because it was so wonderfully her. The truth of it was that music was a part of me too. Music had the ability to transfer my soul to exactly where it should be, and my soul was starting to nestle down with hers.
Still smiling, she took out a notepad from the drawer and started to write. After only a few lines, she ripped it along the perforations and slid it along the table to me after checking she wasn’t being watched.
Let Me Be Your Hope (Music and Letters Series Book 2) Page 7
