We couldn’t have raised our son, not at the age of sixteen.
It was better that Conan ended up with a nice, loving, stable Irish Catholic family who bore the last name Cox. He still inherited his birthright even if it wasn’t with us.
The tears had dried upon my face as I still circle the spot with “C” and the words in Gaelic on Cillian’s arm.
I didn’t know what was wrong with me but I knew it was a bad idea to have him, naked in my bed, beside me.
“What’s wrong?” he asked and I realized he was awake though I had absolutely no idea how long he’d been up.
His voice startled me out of my contemplation and I looked over in his direction. His eyes are incredibly pale in the moonlight as it seeped through my slightly parted Venetian blinds and my eyes were glued to his, unable to look away.
“Nothing…everything. How drunk was I to let you stay over?”
“Drunk enough, and for your information, I’m as sober as a judge. I haven’t had a drink in more than six hours and besides a puff of your primo chronic before you hit the bed, I am completely here with you. I know you’ve been crying but I don’t know what it was about so I’d rather not ask.”
“Beidh mé ag cuimhneamh ort…I honestly thought I was the only one who kept his memory alive even if he wasn’t with us. I never got it tattooed but I never needed to…Conan is tattooed on my soul, and I can’t ever forget him, no matter how hard I try.”
“Neither can I.” Cillian shifted in the bed and turned his body toward me. “I can’t forget one damn thing about that time in our lives, babe. I tried to—God knows I did with drugs, booze and women but…Brianna could never measure up and I have been playin’ myself all these years. I wanted so badly to believe we could make a life with one another eventually and all I did was fuck up every potential chance I ever had with you.”
I turned my body toward him and felt his erection pressed against my body. Shit, I was in a really bad situation because if I was being honest with myself, I would admit I couldn’t see past him. He was the past and how could I move on when I truly never wanted to? When all I wanted was a second chance for us that would never happen, not if I had to defend him in the courtroom.
“Don’t do it…if you don’t kill this guy then maybe…we can try again. We aren’t broken…perhaps we’re a little bent but we can try again, and if I let this one chance slip through my fingers, I know I’ll never be happy. Maybe content but never truly satisfied because I won’t have you.”
Cillian pulled me toward him before he flipped us over and I was underneath all of his powerful and radiating maleness. He spread my legs with firm thighs and planted himself between me though I still wore my pajamas.
“You know when Dizzy gives me an order, I have to follow it, baby. It isn’t about us being together and don’t you know I would wait for you until we could be a proper family? That’s never been the question…will you wait for me though? I probably will have to do some time and I gotta know you’ll be there when I get out. It’s the only thing that would get me through a stretch, and you know that.”
I held his face in my hands as I stared into his eyes with an intensity only he could bring out in me. “You’re not going to prison, not if I have anything to do with it.”
His crystal blue irises, brilliant in their intensity, bore down into me before he kissed me and I surrendered to it on demand as his tongue darted in my mouth and I opened up to receive him. I moaned into his mouth as he lifted his body up only to unbutton my pajama top like we had nothing but all the time in the world. He wrapped his arms around my waist, his hands grasping the globes of my ass as my breasts and his firm chest were pressed against one another.
My nipples were hyperaware of my breasts against his naked flesh and I felt every inch of his skin against mine. He was warm, the feeling was erotic and made me flood my thong with juices from my body as he grabbed a hold of the back of my head and brought me in closer to him.
Our tongues did an elicit dance, riding the waves between want and need, lust and love. I didn’t even care I was breaking my own rules because I’d vowed over thirteen years ago that Cillian would never ever be inside me ever again.
Several failed relationships and a bootie call situation with Leo had me second guessing every decision I’d ever made in my adult life. I needed to get off but it had to be with someone who I knew loved me to the very core of their being. I knew I wasn’t just a side bitch or a play thing with Cillian and that made all the difference.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” I gasped when his lips finally left my own and started devouring my neck, sending chills up and down my spine. “We’re playing with fire and either one of us could get burned badly.”
“I’ve never wanted something so much in my whole goddamn life and just so you know, I wear a condom with my wife and Chiara so I’m clean.”
I scoffed at this comment. “I’ve got an IUD and I still wear a condom with every man I’ve slept with…other than you of course. I trust you—goddamn it, I really want to trust you but maybe we should…just so we don’t…” I trailed off.
“Fuck no, Sela. I want every fuckin’ inch of youse bareback, mo aingeal álainn. I don’t want a barrier between us and I won’t have it.”
“Mmm, do you call every woman your ‘beautiful angel?’”
“No, I don’t. I’ve never said it to anyone other than you.”
My heart skipped a beat as Cillian’s head moved down my body and slipped one of my hard nipples into his mouth. His hands worked on taking off my pajama bottoms, panties included, before he tossed them over the side of the bed.
I gasped as his fingers speared inside of me and found the spongy tissue of my G-spot. “You’re ready for me already and we’re just gettin’ warmed up, babe. I haven’t even tasted your beautiful pussy and you’re drenchin’ my fingers like a fuckin’ fire hose.”
I laughed out loud if only to relieve the tension and my utter embarrassment. “Such sweet words you say to a woman.”
“Only you, my little angel.”
He kissed his way down my body, stopping at my stomach to trace a few faint stretch marks from a long-ago faded pregnancy. His tongue lingered erotically on my abdomen and inside my belly button. I wanted him to get to work faster, to move his head down to where it counted but he leisurely laid kisses on hips and between my thighs.
I was on fire by the time his tongue found the folds between my legs and slowly parted them with an intensity that only made me want him even more. His tongue lazily circled the entrance of me before he speared his tongue inside of me and my hips bucked against the sensation, shoving me closer into his face.
Cillian possessed the most beautiful mouth but what he could do with that tongue literally set me on fire. My insides burned and turned to mush as he tongue fucked me until I begged him to stop. I was all nerve endings and a hardened clit that wanted to be touched, rubbed, tongued and satisfied until he could fuck me properly.
Finally, his beautiful mouth enveloped my engorged nub and I coaxed my hips closer to him until his tongue did lazy swirls around my clit and I grabbed a fistful of his hair to keep him there.
The sensation was too much and as he applied more pressure, I could feel my orgasm building from the tip of my toes and traveling its way throughout my whole body before I gasped out loud and my juices drenched him as I came from a high so intense, I didn’t know if I’d ever reach the ground again.
He moved up my body and played with my breasts again, his fingers pinching my nipples to the point of pain. I grabbed his cock and massaged it in my hands, the velvety thickness and size perfect for my body and how well we fit together in a perfect unison of harmony.
“No blow jobs,” he murmured into my ear. “This isn’t about me. It’s about you and making you feel like you’re the only woman in the world right now…at this very moment.”
I knew why he didn’t want me going down on him but that didn’t make me feel any better beca
use I wanted him to feel just as good as I did. However, I didn’t want him to stop what he was doing either. Therefore I broke all my own rules, acquiesced and without a condom, I coaxed the head of his cock toward my opening.
Cillian slid inside of me and the sheer thrill of him being there felt like he’d come home again. If I knew how a man’s mind worked, how he could separate what he did with Chiara as sex while he slowly made love to me, everything would have been so much easier for me to understand.
I was in a prism of chartered waters and a sensation so familiar to me, it was almost sad I couldn’t believe we hadn’t shared one another’s bodies in thirteen years.
The way he thrust in and out of me as he grabbed my ass and drove me closer to yet another orgasm set my whole soul on fire. I was the one who would be torched and burned beyond all recognition when everything was said and done.
My hips rose to meet his own until we were skin against skin and I couldn’t keep up with his slow pace because it was a rush to the end. I needed to get off and get him out of me before he did damage beyond my control—or his—and I would find myself coming full circle.
Fuck it, we’d come full circle because there was no doubt in my mind I was in love with this man yet again and that would be my undoing.
Cillian slid a hand around my throat and made me face him. “I want to see your eyes and that gorgeous face of yours when I make you come again.”
“Why?” I knew I sounded annoyed and in a way, the casual tone from him burned the fuck out of me.
If he knew how much he could still affect me, he could use it to his advantage and that was a dangerous game I had no wish to play.
“Because, babe, I fuck everyone doggy-style. I don’t want to see their faces because every woman I have fucked becomes you and I know it isn’t you because I can’t smell you, can’t feel your soft skin against mine. It makes me upset and I’ve lost me temper more times than I can count.”
He was no longer moving inside of me; his eyes—the windows to the soul—were looking into mine and I could see every contour of his gorgeous face. Time had been kind to him and he didn’t look his age nor did he look like a biker. He could have been anyone with the tats on his arms and his hard body. He bore the scars of his hard life, old knife wounds and a bullet he’d taken to the shoulder, but those imperfections made him more real, more human, more of a man.
Cillian flipped us over and I was on top of him though he was still buried inside of me. That was when he slid off my pajama top and I was completely nude. His hands grazed my soft flesh, reached for my breasts and traced their shape before he sat up and leaned against the headboard.
“Now you can ride me and I can see your lovely face when you come, mo cheann álainn,” he whispered and made my heart gallop faster in my ribs.
“If you keep throwing in all these Gaelic phrases when you make love, I can understand how you’ve had no problem with the ladies all these years.”
He pulled my body closer to his until my nipples brushed his chest and he supported my back fully. “I don’t have a problem with the ladies because of who I am…not because I serenade them with Gaelic phrases. And correction—I don’t make love to anyone but you…all the other women, I fuck. Has it been different for you?”
“No, not at all.” There was no use beating around the bush. “I’ve never made love to any man but you either although I have fucked a few in my time since we’ve been apart. I’m not a nun—”
“Then I don’t wanna hear about how other men have been inside of you, baby. It hurts me and it pains my heart that no one has ever seen you the way I did, the way I still do right now. You’re amazing and they’re fookin’ knob heads if they can’t see you’re such a wonderful human being and you deserve to be loved, not fucked.”
I reached toward him and kissed his mouth, hard, if only to shut him up about me being so fucking special. His tongue and mine did things to one another I could only dream about as I began to move on top of his and our bodies fell into sync as he thrust inside of me while my hips bucked to match his movements.
I couldn’t simply describe what it was like to have him inside me because the whole act took me to another time and place. We were no longer fumbling teenagers but I still felt what we were doing was just as dangerous and forbidden.
I rose and fell on his cock, the fullness of him buried so deep inside me was amazing and tortuous at the same time. He pulled us together before he laid us down and again, he was on top of me with my legs wrapped around his waist, wanting, needing more and not able to tell him.
His dick ground into me over and over again as I kept pace with his movements. Cillian alternated between kissing my mouth and nibbling on my neck as he began to fuck me harder and I welcomed his invasion as I moaned out loud.
My orgasm was a slow burn this time but when it finally came, I cried out in ecstasy and clamped down on my kegel muscles before he joined me with low moan in my mouth as his seed spilled inside of me. There was no going back now; we’d shared something together that could never be taken back ever.
We were both silent for several moments before he pulled out and jumped off the bed. I covered my face with my hands while my legs were still splayed open in an obscene manner.
I’d promised myself I would never let this happen again. The one thing I’d sworn up and down would never become my reality had happened. There wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it yet I didn’t hate myself and I had no intentions of stopping what transpired between us even if I could have.
Cillian walked out of the bathroom with a hand towel and sat on the bed before he wiped me down to prevent a “wet spot” in bed when all his spunk would eventually spill out of me. He’d always been like that with me, attentive, aware, a gentleman.
I wasn’t surprised when he tossed it on the floor and righted me so that we were both in bed, on pillows, under the covers and he spooned me while stroking my hair.
“Fuck, I don’t want to leave here. I don’t want to let you go. I just wanna stay right here in your arms. I don’t want to have to think about tomorrow or Brianna or the Club. I’ve fuckin’ missed you like mad. How do I let go of you now that I have you? You tell me.”
What was I supposed to say to a declaration like that? Of course I felt the same way but he’d never know, not right now, not when I bruised too easily.
At least when it came to Cillian.
“Well, maybe you shouldn’t be worried about what we have until you solve your issues regarding Brianna and the ‘errand’ you have to run tomorrow night.”
“You’re right. How the hell did my life get so fucked up and out of control? I ask myself that all the time, and I know this is all my fault but I need to know you’ll give me another chance?” His voice pleaded with me and yet, my heart still remained half-frozen.
Yes, I was in love with him but I couldn’t take another heartbreak. It was as simple as that and until I knew he was serious about leaving Brianna then all bets were off. I already had a relationship with a married man I would have to break off and no matter how I voiced it to Leo, the situation wouldn’t end well.
I felt sorry for Leo’s wife and even sorrier for myself that I felt like I had to debase myself just to have what I thought was a functional, emotionless sex life.
Now, I found myself in the same position with Cillian, and I couldn’t do it again. Not only because of Brianna but because I was in love with the fucking guy.
“Leave Brianna and we’ll pick up this conversation at another time. Until that happens…I don’t think I can do this.” My voice was small but firm.
He crawled over my body so he could face me. “Now you’re not playing fair. I told you I would leave her and I will. You can’t deny me—I won’t be able to do this without knowing you’re by my side.”
“And I will be when that Irish bitch is out of your life.” I gritted my teeth together. “You left me in a foreign country for her and drop kicked my ass outta your life. Now, I’m supp
osed to drop everything because you give me a few empty promises after mind blowing sex? I want to believe you but we’ve got too damn much history between us, babe. I need to see some actions before I commit to anything.”
Cillian smiled wryly. “Always the fucking attorney. Fine, I’ll show you actions but you better keep up your end of the bargain.”
I turned over onto my side away from him. “Don’t worry about me. Unlike you, I don’t make promises I can’t keep.”
Chapter Five
Cillian
Cillian awoke early, climbed out of Gisela’s bed, dressed quickly and left her condo a half an hour before her alarm would go off.
He just didn’t care he smelled like her and Brianna could go suck a big fat cock if she gave him any shit—though she did that more than enough as it was so he wasn’t exactly looking forward to seeing his slutty old lady.
Deadly Seduction Page 5
