by David Hare
Nash puts her down. Inch stands belligerently above them.
Inch It’s meant to be somethin’ ta do with the pain. But wot pain? She can’t even remember wot it was ’erself. Somethin’ ta do with ’er upbringin’. Well, my upbringin’ was three in bed and jam if yer lucky on Sundays, but I rub along. Somethin’ ta do with bein’ unloved, but she don’ wanta be loved, she wants to be flattened by a Sherman tank.
Arthur Leave it alone.
Inch Of course, bloody Arthur thinks it’s wonderful.
Laura Tell her now.
Saraffian What?
Laura Tell her, for God’s sake, get it over with. It can’t get worse. She’ll understand, she’ll pretend not to, but get it over with.
Inch Wot a cow.
Saraffian Shut up.
Saraffian goes over to Maggie who is propped up, lolling. You don’t know if she’s faking.
Maggie?
Pause.
Maggie …
He slaps her face.
Laura She’s listening.
Saraffian Some pressure building up, my dear, amongst us all. The boy …
Arthur I …
Saraffian Shut up. In his stumbling way. I, in mine. The band, all in theirs. Arthur would like to be free of you. He would like to set up a home with Laura. Yes. And you’re sacked.
He puts his hand under her chin.
All right?
Snead appears with an Alsatian and a Policeman.
Snead This is a raid. You’re all busted.
Blackout.
Interval
The equipment stands deserted on its rostrum at the back of the stage. The speakers now have their backs to us.
Arthur speaks from the absolute dark.
Arthur
What matter? Out of cavern comes a voice
And all it knows is that one word: rejoice.
SCENE FIVE
The light comes up on Arthur who is sitting at the front of the stage on a pile of champagne crates, staring at a small white box of potato salad in his hands.
The stage merges into darkness at the sides so that the characters come and go in the night. First Anson approaches, jacket over arm.
Anson I saw the second set. She rather … pushed the boat out, I thought.
Arthur Yes.
Anson I saw the police about.
Arthur We were busted.
Anson Gosh, I’m sorry.
Arthur Mmm.
Anson That’s terrible. Vicious.
Arthur Vicious.
Anson Terrible.
Pause.
Arthur What’s everyone doing?
Anson Who?
Arthur Everyone.
Anson Oh, you mean the revellers.
Arthur Yes.
Anson They’ve scattered. It rather loses its focus, you know. Till the champagne breakfast. It’s … all over the place. The dinner tent’s a disco and … they’ve got a Deanna Durbin in the buttery.
Arthur Of course.
Pause.
Anson I did have a partner, you know.
Arthur Yes.
Anson I rather lost track of her, I’m sure she’s …
Arthur Yes.
Anson You were at this college?
Arthur I read music.
Anson What happened?
Arthur I met Maggie. It seemed academic just to go on reading it.
Anson Yes.
Arthur At the time troubadour was the fashionable profession. It was also very good fun.
Pause. Arthur sets the salad aside.
Still the same shit-hole, eh?
Anson I don’t like it very much.
Arthur The people don’t seem to have changed.
Anson Oh, I don’t know. There are a few more totallys, you know. I should think. I share digs with a totally. I mean, I call him a totally, what happens is he has his friends to tea, I never stay, I just occasionally have to let them in the door and I overhear them, they’re always sitting there saying, ‘The whole system’s totally corrupt an’s gotta be totally replaced by a totally new system’, so I just stand at the door and say, ‘Couple more totallys for you, Tom.’
A Dietrich figure goes by in a long silver evening dress. It is Peyote. He is radiant.
Arthur Hallo, Peyote.
Peyote If ya ’appen to see a chick wiv jus’ a pair o’ jeans an’ a leather waistcoat, say ’ello from Peyote, will ya?
Arthur Sure thing.
Peyote passes.
Anson I’m hoping to drop out, you know. When I get my degree. I just want to groove.
Arthur Course you do. But it’s not so easy is it? I mean, the rules are so complicated, it’s like three-dimensional chess.
Anson Yes.
Arthur Just … work at it, eh?
Inch passes through heading for the tent. Arthur tries to get away.
Inch ’Allo, Arfer.
Arthur How they doing?
Inch Still doin’ the interviews.
Arthur What have they found?
Inch I don’t know. I think Peyote swallowed a certain amount of the evidence. ’E’s very quick.
Anson I wonder …
Arthur Where you off to?
Inch Look for some crumpet.
Arthur Can I come with you?
Inch You’d cramp me, Arfer. Somewhere in that tent is my ideal.
Arthur What’s that?
Inch A short dirty-minded blonde.
He goes out.
Anson I’ve got a finger in my pocket.
Arthur Ah.
Anson You know I’m a medical student?
Arthur Yes.
Anson Can I show it to you? I think it’s rather a good joke. Handshake, you know, and one drops off.
He shows Arthur the severed finger. Arthur takes it and looks at it seriously.
I cut it off a corpse in the lab. Here. It’s quite a good joke.
Arthur Yes. Yes.
Saraffian comes in with a silver candlestick which he tucks away in the crates. Randolph follows.
Saraffian Here we are, lads. Za za. Small advance. In lieu of. It’s ten grand to a spent rubber we don’t get paid.
Arthur You must be mad, the police are everywhere.
Arthur hands over some silver spoons. Smegs on from the other direction.
Saraffian Well?
Arthur Here, you can guard your own loot now.
Saraffian What did they say to you?
Smegs Same as everyone. Name and address and not to leave the area.
Saraffian Do you know what they found?
Smegs Apparently the Alsatian went berserk. It found so much stuff its eyes kept crossing and its knees caved in.
Saraffian Where’s Nash?
Smegs Gone for a smoke in the bog. Said he needed a joint to calm himself down.
Smegs takes loot from his pocket.
Pepperpot.
Saraffian Ta.
Arthur And Maggie?
Saraffian looks at Smegs.
Saraffian They can’t find her. Disappeared. Don’t say ‘oh God’, that’s what she wants you to say. That’s what you’re programmed to say, Arthur.
Saraffian holds up a hand to interrupt.
Arthur Where is she?
Saraffian After the bust she just slipped off …
Arthur Saraffian.
Saraffian Listen. She is sacked. Keep your nerve. Arthur.
Pause. Arthur glares at him.
Randolph Guv, can I …
Saraffian Here’s something. Look. You have to get the little ball in the hole.
Saraffian has taken a toy from his pocket. Randolph sits down and tries to get the ball in the hole. Arthur watches, then turns to Anson.
Randolph Right.
Arthur Do you know how Saraffian made his money?
Smegs Not us.
Arthur No, real money.
Saraffian Go on.
Arthur He used to wait for some black group to do well in the States, you know like the Temptations, then he says he’s
bringing them over. Sell out, of course. Except when they arrive they aren’t quite the same people they are in the States. They’re just five guys he’s met in a bar.
Saraffian (smiles) This is true.
Arthur Who he calls the Fabulous Temptations, then teaches them the songs the real group plays.
Saraffian I’ve brought over some great sounds this way.
Arthur And in England nobody knows the difference.
Saraffian Seeing how they’re black.
He laughs.
Arthur Yeah, you wouldn’t try it with the Beach Boys, would you?
Saraffian Well, one or two cheap tricks it’s true. People expect it. The odd artist hung upside down from a third-floor window. It’s part of the show.
Arthur No doubt.
Saraffian And Arthur feels strongly that …
Arthur All right.
Saraffian No, come on, you feel strongly that …
Arthur It’s not worth saying. Nothing’s worth saying. It’s all so obvious.
Smegs Anyone got a fag?
Pause.
Anson Gertrude Stein never put her car in reverse.
Pause.
Arthur Yes, there is the inkling of an objection, just a smudge, perhaps the feeling Al Capone might greet you in the street.
Saraffian I told you.
Arthur Of course, it’s a big organization, fair number of clients, so if some junior oddball wants to drive her band until they’re catatonic with fatigue, with pills, with petrol fumes, well, at least that is her taken care of, until you choose to flick her off your balance sheet.
Wilson comes in.
And if the damage is in the head and irreversible, well at least you were many miles away.
Wilson Wot’s ’appenin’?
Smegs Cambridge Union Debate.
Wilson Oh. Wot’s the subject?
Arthur Ethics.
Wilson County Championship?
Smegs No, no, not Ethex like Thuthex, ethics like – what you’re meant to do.
Arthur I’m going to go and find her. Take this.
Arthur hands Saraffian the finger. Goes out.
Anson It’s my finger.
Saraffian Course it is, lad.
Anson I get screwed up you know. If you can imagine my life.
Saraffian Mmm.
He smiles at him and wanders away.
Anson I just long to get away. Join a band. On the road. Eh? I wouldn’t mind how menial … anything. It’s just every day here I know what the next day will be like. Isn’t that dreadful? Going to lectures. Work in the lab. And all the time I want my mind to float free. I want it above me like a kite, and instead it’s … why have I no friends? And why does nobody talk to me?
Pause. He looks round.
And, of course, I’m being boring.
He turns and goes out.
Wilson Bloody ’ellfire.
Saraffian Well.
Wilson Never go to the piss’ouse wiv that one, ’e’d chop it off soon as look at yer.
Saraffian He’s just lonely.
Wilson Wot else ’as ’e got in ’is pocket, bits of old toe ’n’ little chunks of earlobe?
Saraffian He’s trying to be interesting, you know. Have some character. The man who goes round with a finger in his pocket. Very casual, very interesting. Rather dark. He just wants to be liked.
Wilson You know the real killers?
Saraffian Yes.
Wilson The ones who jus’ wanna be liked.
Arthur reappears upstage.
Arthur Where is she? She’s not in the tent.
Saraffian Nobody knows.
Wilson ‘Where is she, wot is she on?’
Arthur Where is she?
Saraffian Look in the common room. Or the cricket pavilion. She might be there. But don’t let her know you’re looking.
Arthur goes out.
Nice boy.
Smegs Yeah.
Wilson Let’s ’avva look at that.
Smegs How long till we play?
Wilson wanders upstage with the finger.
Saraffian The first day they met he drove her to the north of Scotland. The northern sky was wide and open so that strange Hebridean light came through white blinds on to their bed in a perfect square. A perfect white square in a dark hotel room. And they felt that first night they were almost not in the world at all.
He smiles.
I can give you more. Much more. Many more moments of … one thing or another. Arthur is obsessed. What happened in rooms. On trains. The telegram she sent. Some pair of shoes. Everything.
Smegs How do you know?
Saraffian Oh, she used to tell you.
Smegs Why?
Saraffian To make you think it didn’t matter to her. That’s why she told you. As a hedge against disaster. Like her whole life.
Smegs What gets me is, it’s her we talk about all the time, but it’s Peyote’ll actually kill himself.
Laura appears.
Laura Has anyone seen Arthur?
Saraffian Oh jeepers.
Wilson Where is ’e? Wot is ’e on?
Laura I just wondered if anyone had seen him.
Smegs The footsteps go from left to right. Stop there briefly. Then we say …
Saraffian Try the common room.
Smegs Or the cricket pavilion.
Saraffian But don’t let him know you’re looking.
Smegs You look puzzled and depart.
Laura What?
Smegs Next.
Wilson Laura. Jus’ let me show you somethin’.
Wilson turns round. The finger is now sticking through his fly.
You see doctor …
Laura Wilson …
It drops from his fly to the ground.
Wilson Whoops, there it goes again.
Laura Very funny.
She goes out. Wilson calls after her.
Wilson Laura, I promise to concentrate next time.
Saraffian Where did you stash it?
Smegs What?
Saraffian The stuff.
Wilson Oh, we only ’ad some giggle-weed, it ’ad nearly all gone.
Smegs Shouldn’t we talk about the future of the band?
Wilson Yeah.
Smegs Do something different, what do you think?
Wilson I’d like to do some songs about Jesus Christ.
Smegs Wilson, he’s been done to death.
Wilson Ah – ’is own complaint exactly.
Saraffian And who carried the rest, the hard stuff, who carried that?
Pause.
Don’t tell me.
Wilson Well …
Saraffian Did she know?
Wilson She ’ad a carpetbag. It’s only Peyote. ’E used to …
Saraffian Did she know?
Pause.
She was the bagman and she didn’t know.
Wilson Yes.
Saraffian You think the police are going to believe that?
Wilson It’s true.
Saraffian Of course it’s true, that’s not the point. The point is, who gets to go to jail.
Peyote comes in.
Peyote I jus’ bin propositioned by the rowing eight.
Wilson Wot did you tell them?
Peyote I told ’em I wasn’t that sort of girl.
Saraffian Listen, Peyote, you’re going to have to come with me to the police, you’re going to have to tell them about this bag …
Peyote I said I’d smash a bottle in their face.
Peyote smashes the bottle he is holding against the crates. It shatters, leaving him with nothing but the smallest neck.
Wilson Never works that. I never believe it when they do it in the films …
Peyote Jus’ who the hell do they think I am?
Pause. He is out of his mind and commands a sudden healthy respect.
Saraffian Yes, Peyote.
Peyote I’m not anybody’s.
Pause.
Saraffian No, Peyote.
&nbs
p; Peyote I’d rather busk, I’d rather play free gigs, I’d rather busk in the foyers of VD clinics than play to these cunts.
Saraffian Yes.
Wilson It’s pointless.
Peyote throws his wig violently to the ground.
Peyote An’ they’ve ruffled my fuckin’ wig.
Pause.
Wilson It’s pointless. You’ll never get through to him now.
Saraffian All right everyone. Find the girl.
Blackout. At once Smegs plays acoustic guitar and sings amazingly fast in the complete dark.
Don’t Let The Bastards Come Near You
I come from the rulers you come from the ruled
We were making the film of our lives
And the media dwarves were howling for masterpieces
People were dropping like flies
The crew were on librium I was on brandy
Struggling hard to get through
And the days and the nights were alive
With the hatred directed at you.
Eight single spots come up on Smegs, Wilson, Nash, Peyote, Randolph, Arthur, Laura, Inch as they join in the chorus.
Don’t let the bastards come near you
They just want to prove you’re sane
To eat up your magic and change you
So I’ll help keep the bastards away
The spots fade and we are back in complete black.
It was in your dark night of disaster
We watched as you smashed up your room
And Spanish and I we decided
We just couldn’t stay in your tomb
In the morning I drove for the border
And Spanish he stayed till the end
But he has resources of humour
To which I cannot pretend
The spots come up again on the eight suspended faces.
Don’t let the bastards come near you
They just want to prove you’re sane
To eat up your magic and change you
So I’ll help keep the bastards away
The spots fade.
Now I don’t like singing with sailors
And I don’t like drinking with fools
But I’ll do anything that I have to
Because I know those are the rules
I know that the pain is like concrete
And the road is lonely it’s true
And the load that we carry is studded with nails
So this is my message to you
The spots return.
Don’t let the bastards come near you
