“No. I mean there’s something between you.”
Alex shrugged.
“So...hell, yes?” Shane drawled.
“It’s temporary.”
“Clearly.”
Alex bristled, but he couldn’t say why. “She doesn’t want anyone to know.”
“Shit, it’s a little late for that, brother.”
Shit, indeed. The full damage of the day finally penetrated his thick skull. He’d been so wrapped up in his own anger that he hadn’t realized how screwed up everything had gotten. Of course Sophie hadn’t gone there willingly. She had to live in this town. She had to live with the fallout.
“Nobody will believe it,” he growled.
“You’re either joking or you’re an idiot. They’ll believe anything if it’s scandalous enough. Especially when it comes to our families.”
“Damn it.” He shifted and crossed his arms. “Do you think she’ll be okay?”
“It’s the twenty-first century. Women have sex.”
Right. But that wasn’t the point for Sophie. She wasn’t just a woman. She’d grown up in scandal. In a fishbowl. She needed to get the hell out of here, so she could be whoever she wanted to be.
“You want another beer?” Shane asked.
“No, I’d better hit the road.”
“Okay. I need to get over to Merry’s. She’s pretty torn up about today. She hates for people to be unhappy.”
Alex cracked a smile. He could see that. She always seemed cheerful. Carefree. Nothing that he could understand, but she definitely made him smile. “I’ll meet you here tomorrow, then.”
Alex made sure the kitten wasn’t following him before he slipped out the door, eager to escape and equally worried that he had nowhere to escape to.
It was late. She had no reason to see him. He’d stood there and watched her cry and done nothing. Jesus. Why hadn’t he seen what had happened to her today? He’d spent too damn much of his life on the defensive, worried about himself, guarding against others.
He’d been watching out for himself so long that he didn’t know how to take care of anyone else. Not even a damn kitten.
But he still wanted to be with Sophie tonight. He wanted to climb into her bed and draw her close and sleep like that. Just for one more night. That’d be enough. He’d make it enough.
Alex wasn’t often given to indecision, but he stood in the cold moonlight and stared down the street for a long while before he started toward her place.
She had no reason to let him in. All he could do was ask. And hope.
He breathed in the night air, crisp and clean and scented only with aspen. He’d been so familiar with that in his youth that it seemed too common to have forgotten. But he’d gotten used to the ocean smells of California and Alaska and most of the places he went. There were no aspen on the plains of Canada.
Alex inhaled and turned toward her house.
The windows were dark. Dark as the night around them. “Damn,” he breathed. He took out his phone.
Sophie? Are you awake? I’m outside...
Christ, that sounded pitiful. But he was pitiful, wasn’t he? Wandering around the dark streets of Jackson like a homeless dog. This place was bad for him. Diminishing or regressive or just sad.
She didn’t write back. He was almost relieved. He could go back to that hotel and feel sorry for himself, tell himself he was a damn victim. Carry on the legacy.
He texted one last time. I’m sorry. And started back toward his bike.
The porch light snapped on.
He spun on his heel.
“You were already gone,” she said, standing there in a T-shirt that came down to her thighs and hair that stood out in a wild mess.
“What?” Alex murmured, too distracted by the sight of her.
“You left. So what are you doing here now?”
“I was at my mom’s...”
“No. I mean you were headed out of town when I called. So why are you here?”
He didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t good at this sort of thing. He’d left without a word, and he’d known it was wrong when he did it. “I came by,” he finally said. “More than once.” In fact, that had been the reason for his late start, though he couldn’t make himself admit that.
She watched him for a few long seconds, her face golden in the porch light but still impossible to read. Then she turned and walked away, but she left the door open. Alex refused to let his shoulders slump with relief. He kept his head up and stepped inside.
When he closed the door, it was dark again. He heard the creak of floorboards as she moved around. A light came on toward the back of the house and her shadow stretched out as she moved down the hallway.
Alex took one step forward, unsure if he should follow or not. A couple of days ago, he would’ve taken it as an invitation, but whatever her kinks were, he didn’t think ice-cold sex was one of them.
He was right. Her shadow reappeared, and then Sophie, her hair smoothed down a little and the T-shirt covered by a little pink robe edged in white lace. This was the Sophie he was more familiar with, but when she turned on the kitchen light, he saw the circles under her eyes and the tightness around her mouth. She looked so vulnerable without her makeup and hair twist and prim little heels.
“How is your mom?” she asked.
“She’s fine.”
“Is she really fine, or do you just want to get back on the road?”
Alex bristled, but he tried not to snap at her. He’d obviously woken her up and she was obviously pissed. She poured herself a glass of water and leaned against the kitchen counter. He noticed that she didn’t offer him a drink.
“I just wanted to apologize,” he said. “When I came by earlier, I was pissed about the dedication, and I didn’t think about what that scene meant for you.”
“You mean that everyone in town now thinks I’m a whore and a home wrecker just like my mom? No big deal.”
“Sophie—”
“No, it’s fine. You were upset. It makes sense that you were focused on yourself and your family. I get that. Except that I was worried about you and your family, too, so I guess I’m just a fool.”
“What am I supposed to say?” he asked. “I’m sorry it happened, but I didn’t do anything wrong. There was nothing I could’ve done to protect you today.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong either!” she bit out.
“Your brother—”
“My brother didn’t do anything. He was just there. That’s the way it’s always been. We can’t even exist because that’s offensive to her. Do you know what it’s been like, living with that?”
“I think I do.”
“I don’t know if that’s true. She’s on your side, Alex, and even that was unbearable to you. Imagine what it was like for me as a little girl, to hear all those rumors she started. And now she’s doing it to me! How am I supposed to live with that? My entire job, if I still have one, is dealing with the people of this town. Not cattle or horses or even tourists, but the people who live here and know everyone and everything. About me.”
“Then leave,” he bit out impatiently.
“What?” she snapped.
“Leave. You’re a grown woman now, Sophie. There’s no reason for you to stay.”
“No reason?” Her laughter was sharp as a whip. “I have reasons, but I wouldn’t expect you to understand. You don’t think there’s ever any reason to stay.”
“That’s not fair.”
“I’m pretty sure it is.”
“I had to leave,” he snapped. “This place was killing me just like it’s killing you.”
“My family needs me. You wouldn’t get that.”
It was his turn to laugh. “I don’t get it? You’ve given up your
whole life to take care of two grown men who’d be fine without you. Jesus, Sophie. Live a little. For once!”
Her cheeks turned bright red. “I’m living just fine. Not everyone wants what you want.”
“Shit.” Alex glanced toward the dining room, then rubbed a hand hard over the back of his neck. “I saw the scrapbooks. Don’t tell me you don’t want more.”
She’d opened her mouth to snap back at him, but she stayed silent as her eyes went wide. Her head snapped toward the dining room, then her gaze shot back to him. “What?”
“You left one out. I saw the picture, the places. And the way you talk about traveling. Jesus, Sophie. You’ve got to leave this place behind. No one would know anything about you if you ever bothered to get more than an hour from home.”
“I know that!” she snapped. “You don’t have to tell me that. You think I’m so stupid that it hasn’t occurred to me?”
“Of course not. But I can’t figure out why someone as smart as you can’t see what she needs to do.”
“I’m not you, Alex. I don’t need to flee every serious relationship and live like a nomad.”
“No, you need to stay here to prove to yourself and everyone else that you’re a better woman than your mother was.”
As soon as the words left his mouth, he wanted to take them back. He was pissed, she’d hit a nerve, and he’d decided to fight back. But he knew he’d gone too far even before she slammed her water glass down on the counter and stood up straight.
“Fuck you,” she growled. “It doesn’t have to be anything screwed up or pathological just because I love my family. My dad is a good man who needs my help. God knows my brother isn’t going to do anything for his family. He’s kind of like you that way.”
“Maybe he doesn’t feel like he owes his family anything more.”
“Well, I do.”
“Why?”
Her sigh was a quick, sharp breath of impatience. “Because I love my dad, Alex.”
“You say that like it’s an obvious explanation, but people who love their families still grow up and leave. They get married, they move away, they travel. They don’t just cut out pictures of places and glue them into books for their whole lives, Sophie.”
She stepped forward like she wanted to push him or hit him or slap him, but instead she pointed at the door. “Go. You already left once. That’s what you do, right? You leave when anything gets the slightest bit difficult. So leave. We’re not going to fuck, and that’s clearly what you came here for. ‘I didn’t really want to see you again, but I’m here now, so...’”
“I did want to see you again. I came by three times!”
“Why?”
He shrugged. “I just—”
“Why would you want to spend time with some pitiful, dried-up loser who’s never been more than a few hours from home? My God, time must have really dragged when I wasn’t on my knees for you.”
“Damn it, that’s not what I meant at all. I meant that you’re amazing and interesting and you’re wasting your fucking life here.”
“You don’t know anything about it!”
“I know what’s out there, Sophie. I know what you could see and do if you’d stop being so damn terrified to leave. What do you think is going to happen? Do you think your dad won’t survive? Do you think he won’t love you anymore?”
She jerked back as if he’d slapped her, all the color draining from her face. “Shut up.”
“Hey.” He reached out to take her arm, but she pulled it away. “Sophie.”
“Just go.”
“You don’t really think that, do you?”
She shook her head, her jaw clenched tight.
“I’m sorry. It frustrates me that you’re so wild and bright and you’re stuck here like a bird with clipped wings.”
“I’m not stuck here. That’s how you see it because you can’t stay in one place for more than a month. I love people, Alex. I take care of them.”
“And what happens if you don’t?” he asked.
“I...I don’t know. I don’t have to know. I won’t find out.”
“So this is it, huh, Sophie? You’re going to stay in Jackson, move back home, keep your head down and your real self secret?”
“Yes.”
“Is that what you dream about? Living at home, taking care of your dad, working at the library? Over and over, every day, every year, broken up by the occasional roll in the hay with a man who won’t ask questions? Is that all you’re ever going to be?”
“Shut up. I’m not going to be a person who walks away. I won’t ever do that.”
“Like me?” he asked.
“Like her,” she growled. “I can’t leave, Alex. I won’t do that. I may look like her and sound like her and fuck around like her, but I won’t walk out on the people who depend on me. My dad needs me and if he doesn’t...” The raw, hoarse words stopped and her ragged breathing filled the room.
“If he doesn’t need you, then what?” Alex pressed.
She shook her head.
“He’s your dad, Sophie. He’ll always be your dad.”
“No.” She blinked and two fat tears trailed down her pale cheeks. “He’s not my dad. And when my mom left...” She swallowed hard and drew in a breath that was so broken Alex had to fight not to wrap his arms around her and force her closer. “I knew he wouldn’t want me anymore. Why would he?”
“Oh, Sophie.” He did reach out then. He couldn’t stop himself. She didn’t pull away. She let him slowly put his arms around her and draw her to his chest. She was stiff, but her head bent and rested against his heart.
“I was so scared,” she whispered. “For years. But that first year or two, I was just waiting for the day when some nice woman would show up at the door and tell me I was going with her. That’s how I thought it would happen. That I’d be taken to an orphanage and never see my family again. Because I was just like her, Alex, and why would a man who wasn’t even my real dad want to keep me after that?”
He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and held her tighter. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. Sorry for her, and sorry he’d never thought that deeply about how it must have been for her.
“I made myself essential. I took care of all the things she should’ve been there to do, so even if he didn’t want me anymore, he’d let me s-s-stay.”
She broke down then, finally. Her body gave up its stiffness and she wilted into him, shaking and crying quietly. Quietly, as if she’d learned that when she was little. Not to be a bother. Not to cause trouble.
Alex didn’t say anything. His throat was too tight. He swallowed several times, but that didn’t help, so he just pressed his cheek to her head and breathed her in. It was so clear now why she kept everything hidden, why she couldn’t make herself leave.
After a few minutes, she relaxed. Her back softened under his hands.
“It’s okay,” he whispered.
She nodded.
“You know he loves you, Sophie. You know he’s your dad.”
Another nod.
“So don’t tie yourself down. You can walk away from this place.”
She lifted her head and looked at him, her eyes soft and vulnerable.
Alex leaned in, slowly lowering his mouth toward hers. He wanted to comfort her. Wanted to make her forget.
He was abruptly shoved away.
“I tell you how much it means to me to belong to my family and you tell me to just walk away?”
He backed up. “You need to get out of here. You want to get out.”
“How am I supposed to trust you telling me to leave when you won’t even stay and take care of a woman who needs you? Your mother is sick.”
“She’s always been sick.”
“That’s your excuse? Tha
t she’s always needed you? You’re no better than my brother, you know that? Shane takes care of everything, so you don’t have to.”
For the first time, Alex felt true anger take him over. He spun away from her and paced into the living room. Then back. He scrubbed his hands over his scalp and squeezed his eyes shut. “That is not my fault,” he growled. “I can’t be responsible for what Shane does with his life. I can’t be responsible for what you do with your life.”
She stared him down.
“We were kids, Sophie. They were adults. All of them. We don’t have to carry them or pay for their sins or clean up the mess they made.”
“They’re family,” she said.
“And saying that over and over again isn’t a fucking life! Do you get that? Do either of you get that? Saying that someone is family isn’t a magic spell. It doesn’t make anything better. It doesn’t make things right, damn it!”
“Well, what else do we have, then?”
“A goddamn life, Sophie. Anything you want. You can have everything.”
She stared at him with that infuriating cool. “As long as I’m like you and don’t care about a home.”
Did she think he didn’t care? That he didn’t want? “Sophie—”
“You need to leave, Alex.”
He shook his head.
“I’m never going to be like you. I’ll never walk away from everything just so I can hope for something else.”
Right. Sure. Alex nodded. He knew what she was saying. He saw it in Shane’s eyes every time. “I’m glad you feel like you have something here, then. Because I never had even that.”
Every nerve in his body pulled back as he walked away. He wanted another shot. Wanted Sophie to stop him. But as he reached her front door, he told himself he was relieved. After all, what would he do with another shot? Hang around for a day or two before he moved on to the next job? He’d tried that already. It hadn’t worked with Andrea. It wouldn’t work with Sophie. She was right about that, at least. She wasn’t like him.
Looking for Trouble Page 21
