by Helen Mcginn
‘Oh my God, why don’t you come, too? We could go together! It’ll be amazing! Come on, Annie. We never get to do things like this. Just for a couple of nights. I’ll pay.’ Annie started to protest but Jess went on. ‘Seriously, please let me. I don’t have any time to spend my money, let alone anyone to spend it on.’
Annie laughed, put Jess on speakerphone and continued to search the washing basket for the missing sock. ‘It’s a lovely idea, Jess, but I can’t. Who’ll look after the boys?’
‘Can’t James help?’
‘He’s at work. No can do. And anyway, I’ve got a fancy dress costume to make before next Monday. For Roman Day, ironically.’
‘Buy one on Amazon, for God’s sake. Life’s too short to not do stuff like this, Annie!’ Jess was not going to let it drop.
‘Well, I guess that’s exactly what Julia’s thinking.’
Jess sighed. ‘Well, if you change your mind… I’m going to look into flights. Can you find out when she’s going and where she’s staying?’
‘I’ll do my best, but you know how vague she can be.’
‘Really? I hadn’t noticed.’
Jess hadn’t ever meant to get involved with a married man. But too many failed relationships had left her feeling that she just wasn’t right for marriage. She was too selfish, a fact that she was entirely comfortable with. There had been one, years before, that everyone, including Jess, thought would be The One. His name was Ben and he proposed to Jess on her thirtieth birthday. So it came as a surprise to her as much as anyone when she turned him down, instead taking a job in New York for the next three years. Over time, Annie had learned not to ask why, when it had all seemed so perfect. Julia had never asked in the first place, of course, regarding it as a decision Jess would explain as and when she ever needed to. All Jess would ever say about it was that it didn’t feel right. She loved Ben, but she didn’t want to marry him. To her, it was as simple as that.
Since then, Jess was rarely single but as far as Annie could tell, never really with anyone either. At least, not long enough for Annie to meet them properly; to know what they were like. And when Rob had come along, Annie found it difficult to hold her tongue. It was just not like Jess to do anything that might hurt somebody other than herself. They both tried to avoid it but whenever the subject of Jess’s relationship came up, the conversation rarely ended well. Eventually, it became an off-limits topic, which Annie hated because she wanted Jess to be happy. And she wasn’t sure her sister was as happy as she should be, indeed could be if she was with the right person. Specifically, someone that wasn’t married to someone else.
Jess stood up from her desk, slipped her feet back into her black high heels and smoothed down her knee-length black skirt. With it, she wore a simple silk shirt and subtle but achingly expensive jewellery. Her long, caramel-coloured hair was swept up loosely. She was tall and whippet-thin, like her father. Glancing at her watch, Jess realised that she had to be across town in half an hour for lunch with one of her favourite clients and was running late. She popped her head out of her office and asked her PA to get a cab ready to meet her at the door in two minutes. The green juice hadn’t helped the hangover. Nor had the coffee or the handful of painkillers. Hopefully, a plate of shepherd’s pie in one of her favourite restaurants would sort her out. Grabbing her coat and bag, Jess checked her phone – one missed call from Rob – and headed for the lift.
As the taxi weaved its way through the streets of Soho, Jess was oblivious to the gorgeous early summer day outside. The sun shone, coats had been shed by both tourists and workers alike. With her eyes glued to the screen of her phone, she scrolled mindlessly, scanning the first lines of emails to make sure there wasn’t anything that couldn’t wait until after lunch.
‘Here you go, love.’ The cabbie’s voice was her cue to shove her phone in her bag and make for the door. Tapping her card, she thanked him and hopped out onto the pavement. The sight of the enormous revolving door to the restaurant was a welcome one. Jess knew she was minutes away from the comfort of a corner booth and, quite possibly, a cold glass of champagne. She waited for the door to turn, seeing someone coming out as she did. The glass was thick, the wood dark, brass gleaming. In that moment, as she stepped inside, she caught sight of the person going out. It was a split-second look, but enough to make her catch her breath. Tall, dark but definitely not a stranger – it was Ben. As the door delivered her into the foyer of the restaurant, she turned to look back. The door continued to turn slowly, but there was no sign of him. She went to go back out, but stopped. Could it have been him? She ran through the probabilities: on a trip back to London from wherever he was living now (somewhere in Asia, she had thought). Presumably a work trip, given that he was on his own.
They’d not spoken for years. Jess knew she’d broken his heart. But she also felt, back then, that he deserved someone better, someone who really wanted to marry him. Basically, someone not as selfish as she was. They’d kept in contact briefly after Jess left for New York but after a short while, the emails stopped. She filed what she’d done away mentally under Major Fuck Ups and tried not to revisit it too often. But seeing him in the flesh put it right back on top of the pile.
Gathering herself, she tried to think about the lunch she had ahead. She checked her watch – the client would be at the table – and headed to the cloakroom. Passing the bar, she caught sight of a youngish man sitting alone with what looked like a Martini in front of him. He smiled and winked. Jess was completely thrown. Did he know her? He must be looking at someone behind her, she thought. But, dear God, no, she realised he was now walking towards her. His face was so familiar but out of context, she struggled to place him. With a few steps between them, Jess suddenly remembered.
‘Hi, Jess. Long time no see.’
‘Hello, Tom.’ Was it Tom? Too late now, she thought.
‘I’ve been hoping to see you again but I didn’t have your number. You left so quickly.’ Yes, it was Tom, from the conference. Right at that moment, Jess wanted to be anywhere but standing there. In fact, she wanted to run. First Ben, then Tom. It was like some kind of hideous nightmare, featuring the men most likely to make her feel like a failure. But her client was waiting and when it came to her work, she was nothing if not professional.
‘Good, thanks, Tom. Yes, I did but you know how it is. I’m really sorry but I’m running late, so do excuse me. Lovely to see you, though.’
‘Oh, of course. Don’t let me keep you.’ Jess ignored the edge to his voice. ‘Take care.’
‘I will, thanks. And you.’ With that, Jess slipped through the tables towards the cloakroom and was gone.
Standing at the basin a few moments later, Jess looked at her reflection in the mirror. She peered at the slight dark circles under her eyes. She thought about Ben, how seeing him for just that moment had made her feel so… what was it? It had made her feel sad. Sad at the thought of what might have been, sad at making him feel so wretched. Sad at the idea that she could simply put it to one side and get on with life. Sad that, in the end, Jess didn’t seem to need anyone at all.
Annie cleared the last of the plates from the table and sat down for a moment, determined to take a sip of tea whilst it was still hot. The boys had taken themselves off into the garden. Despite the mess, the house was peaceful enough. She reached across the table for the pile of papers, on top of which sat a rather hideous anniversary card, picked up in the village shop. It was the best of a bad bunch, covered with pink hearts and ‘You & Me’ written in embossed, curly gold letters. Still, it’s what’s on the inside that counts, she reassured herself as she searched, fruitlessly, for a pen that actually worked. On the way home from school, she’d stopped by the local farm shop and picked up two lamb chops and some cheese. Annie was looking forward to the prospect of a simple supper, together with a more-decent-than-usual bottle of red wine and a chance to catch up properly over dinner.
With the card written and the tea drunk, she wandered into the garde
n to pick some fresh sweet peas for the table. She could hear the boys playing in the tree house that James had built for them soon after they’d moved into the cottage. The sun was still high in the sky and the breeze was warm. Perhaps they might even get to have a glass of wine outside before dinner if James got home early enough. She called for the boys, bracing herself for the bath/bed hour-long marathon that lay ahead.
‘Rufus! Ned! Time to come in!’ Predictably, her order was met with a barrage of protestations.
‘But, Mum! We haven’t finished our game!’ cried Ned.
‘Please can we just finish this one? We’ve only just started,’ pleaded Rufus.
‘Ten more minutes, then bath – deal?’
‘Deal,’ they both replied before turning and racing to reach the football first.
Annie went inside to go and run their bath, stopping on her way through the kitchen to put the flowers in an empty jam jar. Once she’d hidden the pile of papers in a drawer, scrubbed the spaghetti off and put a few tea lights on it, she knew her beloved table would look perfect.
It was after 9 p.m. when she got the text.
Got stuck with clients, I’ll be late. Am so sorry. Don’t wait up x
Tears pricked Annie’s eyes. She felt her cheeks flush with colour as she tossed her phone across to the empty end of the sofa. She’d gone from pottering in the kitchen, enjoying the peace and quiet of the house post-boys’-bedtime to feeling angry, upset and disappointed in a moment. It was clear to Annie their wedding anniversary wasn’t even on James’s radar. Too tied up with his work, specifically his mid-life work crisis, to remember, she thought crossly. She poured herself another half-glass of red, put the lamb chops back in the fridge and grabbed her laptop. She knew exactly what she had to do. She typed ‘cheap flights to Rome’ into the search bar, retrieved her phone and replied to his text.
I won’t. Happy Anniversary x
Hours later and both in bed, the silence lay heavy over James and Annie like an unwanted blanket. James had returned full of apologies, of course. Annie knew he was genuinely mortified. Still, forgetting a landmark wedding anniversary was going to take more effort on his part to make things right. His words were met with a frosty ‘It’s fine’ before Annie turned on her side and closed her eyes.
Tomorrow morning, she’d tell him she was off to Italy with Jess for a few days and that his mother was moving in for the duration to help him look after the children.
3
One of Julia’s greatest joys was walking round her garden, in her dressing gown, before anyone else was up. She loved watching the birds, stopping to inspect or deadhead a flower, depending on the season, waiting for the rest of the world to wake up. Her cottage overlooked the village green, with a walled garden at the back. For a modest-sized cottage garden it was crammed with plants. Roses, camellia, verbena and hellebores all fought for space in the borders, with fruit trees standing solidly at the back. Julia was a natural gardener, and over the years she’d created a beautiful space. Just outside the conservatory doors at the back of the house stood a wooden table and four chairs, covered in striped cushions she’d picked up years ago from a market whilst on holiday in Provence. Now faded and well worn, they provided comfort for a steady stream of visitors to the house. It was only at this early hour that Julia could be sure of having the garden and table to herself, along with a pot of hot coffee. Having lived here for years she was surrounded by old friends, although numbers were falling due to natural wastage, as she liked to put it. And whether it was coffee or, later, wine being poured, Julia was happy to sit and listen or talk to whoever dropped in on their way past.
It was Saturday morning and a little quieter than usual. Empty cup in hand, Julia wandered back into the kitchen to tackle the pile of washing-up in the sink. Last night’s impromptu drinks with her divine old neighbours, Pam and Dicky, had ended with her digging out a fish pie from the freezer, followed by a game of cards and plenty of cut-price Chablis. As she collected the empty glasses from the kitchen table, the phone rang.
‘Hi, Mum, it’s me.’
‘You’re ringing early, darling.’ It was just past eight o’clock.
‘I know, sorry. But I knew you’d be up. Are you in this morning? Thought I might drop by on my way back from taking the boys to football practice.’
Annie clearly had a plan. Julia smiled to herself. ‘Yes, of course. I’m not going anywhere until lunchtime.’
‘Lovely. I want to know all about your trip to Rome.’
‘Are you checking up on me?’ Julia couldn’t help herself.
‘Not at all… I just thought it would be nice to hear about where you’re going, what you’ll be doing, who you’re meeting. So, yes, I suppose I am checking up on you. But only because I’m interested… I’ll be round in a bit.’
Annie had woken up that morning to the sight of a cup of tea in her favourite blue striped mug and a few hastily picked cornflowers from the garden in a glass. There was no sign of James but the bed was still warm. She could hear voices from the kitchen along with the clattering of bowls and spoons. James had clearly picked up the breakfast mantle and Annie decided she would definitely leave him to run with it. She pulled the duvet around her and reached across to turn the radio on. Her head ached slightly, thanks to the more-than-usual amount of red wine she’d had last night. No doubt about it, she thought, motherhood made hangovers a whole lot worse. Three glasses used to be a warm-up; now it counted as a fairly heavy night. And then she remembered: Rome. She’d booked a flight to Rome. Then there was Patty, James’s mother. Annie had asked her mother-in-law if she could come and stay for a few days the following week. Of course, Patty had been delighted, only too happy to move in and have her much-adored grandsons to herself for a few days. Not to mention time with her only son. And so it was decided, she would come on Monday evening. Annie’s flight was early on Tuesday morning and she’d be back on Thursday evening. Annie remembered feeling pleased with getting everything organised so quickly. But now, as she lay in bed with the quietly spoken headlines from the radio washing over her, she couldn’t ignore the fact that she’d never done anything so impulsive in her life. And she didn’t even know exactly when Julia was going to Rome, or for how long.
So it was that just over an hour later Annie sat on one of the faded cushions in a chair in Julia’s garden, with a strong cup of coffee in her hand. She looked around her at the garden, so full of the promise of summer. On the table sat a small wooden trug of weeds, the result of Julia’s early morning turn around the borders.
‘Are you all right, darling? You look tired.’ Julia always started with a summary of appearance.
‘I am, actually. James didn’t get back until late. I was already in bed.’ Annie took a small sip of her coffee. ‘Mum, he forgot our anniversary.’
‘Oh, but you’re both so busy! You with the boys and your work, him with his job... It’s no wonder sometimes things get forgotten.’ Julia was clearly taking James’s side. Annie smarted.
‘Mum, it was our ten-year anniversary. Ten years! I mean, I’m not saying I was expecting a firework display and a unicorn but I was expecting something. Ten years is a bit of a milestone, isn’t it?’
‘Yes, I suppose it is different from any old year but I am sure he was mortified when he remembered, wasn’t he?’
‘He really was, actually. Got tea in bed this morning, and he did the boys’ breakfast. And folded a pile of washing.’ Annie smiled. ‘I’m sure I’ll get over it, but last night I just felt so angry. I mean, I know we’re busy, I know we’re tired, but still, that’s no excuse to forget about the person you’re in this together with, is it?’
Julia let out a small sigh. ‘No, you’re right to feel cross about it. But, darling, don’t drag it out. It’s such a waste of time and effort on both your parts.’
This was the side of Julia that Annie had never quite understood. Somehow, Julia was able to put any feelings she didn’t like to one side and move on. She supposed this
was down to having one husband leave her and two who she had left. Julia simply seemed to pack up her feelings about a particular situation and get on with whatever came next. Annie found it incomprehensible.
‘Anyway, I don’t want to talk about it. Tell me about Rome. I mean, come on, Mum. Why Rome?’
‘Why not?’ Julia smiled.
‘Why not? Oh my God, Mum. For a start, you have no idea who you’re meeting. I mean I know you know this Patrick but you haven’t seen him for fifty years! He might be a complete nightmare, and you’ll be trapped with him, in a foreign city, miles from home, with no easy escape.’
‘Goodness, Annie, you sound almost as bad as your sister. Look, I wouldn’t go if I didn’t think it was safe to. I don’t expect you to understand, but Patrick is one of the few people on earth I would do this with.’
Annie sighed. ‘What I don’t get is why you’d go and do something like this with a man we’ve never even heard you talk about.’
‘I did have a life before your father, you know. It’s just not something you tend to talk about once you’re married. Especially not with your daughters.’
‘I understand that part. It’s just that this man appears out of the blue, says, “Come to Rome,” and you say, “OK then. I will.”’
‘I know. Lovely, isn’t it?’ Julia picked up her cup, hiding the smile that played on her lips.
‘Mum! Seriously! Aren’t you at all concerned it’s a bit, you know, weird? That he might be weird? I mean, do you know what he’s been up to for all those years in between?’
‘Darling, I don’t expect you to understand. But, honestly, I knew him very well indeed. We were together for a short while. I was young, but I loved him. He was wonderful.’ Julia gazed across the lawn, eyes settling on the bird feeder. ‘Ooh, look. A chaffinch.’
