by Helen Mcginn
‘Oh God.’ Annie dropped her head into her hands.
‘It’s all right for you, Annie. You’ve got James.’
Annie looked up sharply. ‘Do not say I am lucky.’
‘Well, you are! James, the boys, house in the country…’
‘That is not luck, Jess!’ Annie turned to her mother. ‘You say the same. You’re always telling me I’m lucky. Well, you know what? Sometimes you make your own luck. I loved my job. I loved my life before children. And I’ve worked hard to make our lives work for us now. I wouldn’t change a thing but just know that it’s not all down to bloody luck, OK?’ Annie looked at the table, all eyes on her. The noise of other tables babbled on, oblivious to what was happening at theirs. She wasn’t done.
‘And you know what, Jess, you put Mum on the spot just then but what about you? When are you going to admit that you’re still in love with Ben?’
‘I am not!’
‘Oh, for goodness’ sake, of course you are. You saw him in London and now you can’t stop looking for him. And the reason you think you’re seeing him is because you want it to be him. Thing is, you’re so bloody stubborn, you can’t admit it. Even to yourself. You shut yourself off with work, so much so there’s no room for anything else. And that includes being honest about how you feel.’ Annie paused for breath, then let out a long sigh.
‘Your gran misto di antipasti…’ The waiter stood smiling, holding a huge plate of glistening seafood. Another stood behind with a plate of oysters. Julia started nervously moving glasses and cutlery.
‘Actually, I’m not hungry.’ Jess stood up. The waiters backed off. ‘You carry on. I think I’m going to head back.’
‘Oh, darling, please don’t. Come on, we’re all here now. Let’s make the most of it. Annie, say sorry.’ Julia looked at Annie.
‘No, you go ahead. Sorry, Patrick. Not what you were expecting, I’m sure.’ Jess grabbed her scarf from the back of the chair, scooped up her bag and headed for the door. They sat in silence as the waiters placed the seafood-laden platters on the table between them.
‘Annie, I’m surprised at you. I’ve never heard you speak to your sister, or me for that matter, like that. What’s got into you?’
‘I’m sorry, Mum, but it had to be said. No one’s pointing out the obvious to her. She relies on me not doing that, in fact. And I understand that, but honestly, she’s in a mess at home. The only reason we came here, really, is because she was desperate to get away from London for a bit. You being here was just a good excuse. And I happened to be a bit pissed off – OK, a lot pissed off – with James so I didn’t need much encouragement.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘Because I thought she was OK. And I thought it wasn’t my place. Now I feel bad. I’ll go after her.’
‘Perhaps I should go?’ Julia went to stand up.
‘No, Mum. Let me. I’m sorry, Patrick. Clearly Rome hasn’t brought out the best in us.’
‘Please don’t apologise. Anyway, we’ve got plenty of seafood to keep us going.’
Annie managed a small laugh. ‘Thank you. Sorry, Mum, I’ll text you later to let you know we’re OK.’
‘Thank you, darling.’ She hoped the tears threatening to fall would stay in place, at least until Annie left.
Julia and Patrick watched her go.
‘Just don’t expect me to help you with those oysters.’ It was all Patrick could think to say.
Julia sighed. ‘Patrick, I think I need to tell them about what happened. It’s time to tell them about our son.’
8
1961
‘Come on, keep up!’ Julia called behind as she half-ran down the steep path. The August sun was strong, throwing its light onto the sea, making it look like a million shiny milk bottle tops.
Patrick followed behind her, carrying a hamper in one hand, an armful of towels in the other and with a camera hung around his neck. ‘Go ahead,’ he shouted. ‘I’ll meet you at the rock. Hurry, before someone else nabs it.’
Julia headed down the stone steps towards the beach, her legs bare and brown. The waves rolled in to the bay, throwing stones onto stones as it did so. It was a sound she would come to long for.
By the time Patrick reached their rock, hidden just round the corner at one end of the bay, Julia had stripped down to her swimming costume.
‘Last one in makes the fire!’ she shouted, heading towards the water.
‘Unfair advantage!’ Patrick watched her run towards the waves, fearless as ever. He dumped the hamper and towels at the foot of the rock and followed her, pulling his shirt over his head as he ran towards the sea. By the time he got to the water’s edge, Julia was already in up to her waist, rising and falling with the waves.
‘It’s bloody freezing!’ he called, but she took no notice. Her arms were up above her head and with one swift movement she was gone, coming up a few seconds later further out than before.
‘It’s glorious! Honestly, as soon as you’re in, you warm up!’ Julia dived again, reappearing closer to Patrick, by now up to his chest in water. She swam towards him, hooked her arms around his neck and kissed him full on the mouth. He took her face in his hands, looking into her enormous green eyes, taking in the handful of freckles on her nose. To him, they looked as though they’d been hand painted.
‘I love you, Julia.’
‘I love you, too.’ She grinned, wrapping her legs around him. ‘I’m also absolutely ravenous. What’s in the hamper?’
‘Some mackerel – caught them this morning – and a few tomatoes and half a bottle of cider.’
‘Sounds perfect… Now, come on. Time to work up an appetite.’ She smiled, turned and disappeared under the water.
Patrick took a deep breath and followed. By the time he caught up with her, she was treading water. Looking back at the shore, they saw the bay was still quiet. The day-trippers were yet to arrive by boat from the harbour round the headland and the walkers were passing on the narrow, grassy path that ran high above. A handful of other groups had made it down the steep path to the beach but they’d all, predictably, turned left towards the widest part of the shore.
But the tide was on its way out, opening up the other end, and with it a series of caves and stretches of golden sand.
Over the summer, this end of the bay had been the backdrop to Patrick and Julia’s blossoming love affair. They had known each other for years, having spent every summer holiday they could remember in the same Cornish village. But as soon as Patrick had set eyes on Julia, sitting on the wall of the stone bridge in the middle of the village, with her legs dangling over the side, he knew this summer would be different.
She’d greeted him with a wide, unguarded smile but he was suddenly nervous around her, not quite sure what to say. Next to her sat Maggie, a little wild and enormous fun. She lived in the big house on the hill. Then there was Richard, Patrick’s oldest friend. Like Patrick, he was down for the summer, and was earning some holiday money working on his grandparents’ farm before heading back to university in the autumn. Clouds puffed gently across the sky as seagulls bossed each other about above their heads. A cigarette dangled from Maggie’s mouth, her eyes hidden by black cat’s-eye sunglasses.
‘You’re here at last!’ Maggie called out to Patrick as he walked to join them. ‘What took you so long?’ She offered him her cigarette.
‘I got here as fast as I could.’
‘How’s Oxford?’ Julia looked up at him, squinting her eyes from the sun as she did so.
‘It’s good, thank you, really good.’ Given that he was studying English Literature, he was surprisingly stuck for words. A pause. ‘How about you?’
‘Oh, you know. Thrilled to be out at last.’
‘God, yes, at last,’ Maggie added, before taking a long drag on her cigarette and blowing a line of smoke out of her perfectly O-shaped mouth. ‘School is such a bore.’
‘So what’s your plan now?’ Richard looked from Maggie to Julia.
&n
bsp; ‘Absolutely nothing, at least for the next few weeks.’ Julia grinned at him. ‘But I am thinking of going to college to study fashion next. Obviously my parents are horrified.’
‘Why? That’s a wonderful thing to do,’ said Patrick.
‘Oh, I think they had their sights set on me going to help them in the shop. But I don’t want to stay in the same town where I grew up. I want to go to London, get my own flat, live a proper life. Not just the one they want me to live.’ She sighed heavily. Julia’s parents owned a large hardware store back home in Lincolnshire. ‘I mean, I think what they’ve done, what they do, is all well and good. It’s just not what I want to do. And I’m not sure they understand why I don’t.’
‘Well, we’ve got the next few weeks to not think about anything but having a blast. And I, for one, intend to have one. So, who’s up for a party at mine later?’ Maggie clearly had plans of her own.
‘What about your parents? Aren’t they at home?’ asked Richard.
‘Yes, I think so but they’ve got about a million people staying. I doubt they’ll even notice we’re there.’ Maggie flicked the end of her cigarette into the river below.
‘I promised my mother I’d be at home for dinner tonight but I’ll come up after that. How about you, Julia?’ Patrick tried not to sound too keen. He failed.
‘Yes, I’ll be there but not until later.’ She didn’t want to admit that she’d have to wait until her aunt was asleep before climbing out of the window and shimmying down the drainpipe to get there.
‘Brilliant, I’ll find something for us to drink.’ That was Maggie, she’d never knowingly under-cater even if it was without her parents’ knowledge.
‘I tell you what; I’m dying for a swim. Anyone up for a quick trip to the bay?’ Richard was really hoping Maggie would say yes.
‘Can’t.’
His heart sank.
‘Definitely, yes, please.’ Julia swung her legs back over the wall to stand.
‘Me, too.’ Patrick couldn’t bear the thought of Richard heading off with Julia alone.
‘Right, I’ll get the car. See you here in a mo. Maggie, see you later.’ Richard turned with a wave and headed up the hill towards his grandparents’ house.
‘Yes, see you later!’ Maggie called after him.
‘Maggie, you do know he is mad about you, don’t you?’ Julia spoke quietly, even though Richard was by now out of earshot.
‘Yes, of course I do. And I think he’ll do very nicely for the summer, thank you.’ She climbed off the wall.
Patrick looked at the ground, hands in his pockets, not sure what to say in the face of such an honest declaration of intentions.
‘You mustn’t break his heart, Maggie. He’s such a softie,’ Julia gently pleaded with her friend, knowing already it was bound to end in tears – and probably not Maggie’s.
‘Oh, come on, Julia. Don’t be so serious. He’s not a boy. He can look after himself. See you later.’ Maggie kissed her friend fondly on the cheek, waved to Patrick and headed after Richard up the hill.
‘Right, looks like it’s you and me.’ Patrick smiled nervously.
‘Patrick, are you all right?’
‘What do you mean?’ He looked at Julia, wanting to both gaze at her for ever and hide away at the same time.
‘Did something happen on the way? Is everything OK?’ Julia looked into his eyes, wondering what it was he was hiding from her.
‘Yes, fine. Really. I’m just, you know. Long trip. Bit tired. Nothing a swim in the sea can’t fix. Come on, let’s go and meet Richard.’
Later that night, as they danced in the hall of the big house on the hill, one of Maggie’s many siblings played ‘Great Balls of Fire’ on the piano that stood in the huge reception hall of the house and they all sang along at the tops of their voices. As Patrick swung Julia around, her red dress flying behind her, he knew he didn’t want to be just friends with her any more. He was in love with her.
Hours later, Maggie was still dancing despite her piano-playing sibling falling asleep at the keyboard, head on his arms across the keys. Party guests lay crashed out on various sofas; a few had curled up in front of the huge fireplace alongside dogs of various shapes and sizes.
Patrick and Julia walked back across the fields towards the village, the blue-grey light of the early morning surrounding them. Mist sat on the village like an eiderdown. Julia’s aching feet were bare and wet from the dew-drenched grass.
‘Patrick, there’s something I need to tell you.’ Julia stopped, turned towards him. ‘I’m not sure we can be friends any more.’
Patrick felt his stomach lurch. ‘Why not?’
‘Because I think I might love you. I mean, I’m not sure because I’ve never actually been in love before. But, well, I’ve never felt like this.’
‘Well… er…’
‘Oh God, I’m sorry… I thought I should—’
‘No, no, I’m glad you said that. Because… I think I love you, too.’
‘You do?’
‘Yes, I do. I definitely do. Seeing you on the bridge earlier, well, I was so happy you were here. Not that you’d know it, given that I practically lost the power of speech. And tonight I wanted that song to go on for ever.’
‘I think I might wake up tomorrow without a voice after all that singing.’ Julia laughed. ‘So what do we do now?’
‘This.’ Patrick held her face gently in his hands and kissed her.
Standing in her red dress with his coat over her shoulders, shoes in one hand, she looked at him. ‘This changes everything.’
‘Yes, I think it does.’
Julia had set her alarm at the usual time. She liked to have the coffee percolator on the stove by the time Aunt Tessa came in from her studio at the end of the garden. Julia had stayed with her mother’s sister for a month every summer since she was little and loved her time with Tessa more than anything else in the world. Her mother and aunt were so unalike, Julia thought it might be funny were it not for the fact that they clearly didn’t get along. And compared with her mother’s ridiculously organised approach to life, Aunt Tessa was a whirlwind.
After the perennial neatness of home, Julia adored the chaos of the Cornish cottage. The whitewashed walls outside were in stark contrast to the colourful mess within. Paintings, pottery, piles of books, stacks of newspapers and magazines, a sink filled with dirty dishes, and a kitchen table covered with jars crammed with wild flowers, empty cups and always an overflowing ashtray.
Every morning Julia cleared the table, emptied the ashtray and stacked up the books and newspapers. She stood at the sink, her back to the kitchen, looking out of the little window onto the road outside. If she leaned to the right and looked left, she could just glimpse the stone bridge where she’d sat the day before. She smiled, but her eyelids felt heavy, desperate to shut. She’d crept in with the dawn chorus but was sure she hadn’t woken up her aunt.
‘You came in early.’
Julia swung round to see Tessa standing at the open back door. She was dressed, as usual, in her paint-splattered faded blue overalls with her long grey hair pinned up in a bun, wisps escaping as they’d done for years. Tessa’s blue eyes were bright. In one hand she held an empty cup, in the other an unlit cigarette.
‘Oh God, you heard me. Aunt Tessa, I’m so sorry. I went up to Lyn House to dance. With Maggie…’
‘I know you did. I might be old but I’m not stupid.’
‘It was just a dance.’
‘Look, Julia. You’re sixteen…’
‘Nearly seventeen.’
‘Exactly. And I trust you to make sensible decisions but you must promise me one thing. You must be honest with me. If this is going to work – you staying here, helping me out – then I need you to tell me what you’re up to. As long as there are no secrets, we’ll be just fine.’
‘Will you tell Mother?’
‘Of course not, but keep something from me again and you might not be so lucky next time. Understood?’
‘Oh, thank you!’ Julia crossed the room to hug her aunt. ‘Thank you! I’m so sorry. I promise, no more secrets.’
‘Well, by the look on your face you’ve clearly got something else to tell me. What happened at the party?’
Momentarily, Julia was stuck for words. ‘It’s Patrick. How did you know?’
‘I was young once too, remember.’ Tessa crossed the kitchen to pour herself some coffee before sitting in her usual chair at one end of the table. ‘So, go on then. What happened?’
‘Well, we danced. Aunt Tessa, we danced all night. And I know I’ve known him for ever but seeing him yesterday was like seeing him for the first time. He’s always been my friend, but this time I felt different. God, I’m not sure I can explain it…’
‘Well, I think you just did. Perfectly, as it happens.’
‘So, what do I do now? I mean, I know we’ve got some time now but then he’ll go back to Oxford…’
‘So you just enjoy every minute that you have. Make the most of it. And if you really do love each other you’ll make it work, wherever you are.’ Tessa lit her cigarette, took a sip of her coffee. ‘Just don’t go and get yourself pregnant, whatever you do. Your mother really will kill me.’
‘Aunt Tessa!’ Julia was used to her aunt’s blunt proclamations but this one took her by surprise. ‘Of course I won’t! I mean I’ve never even, you know…’
Tessa held up her hand, looking away. ‘What you’ve done is your business. All I ask is that you don’t get pregnant on my watch.’ Then she turned back, wrinkling her nose at her niece, smiling broadly. She didn’t have children of her own but, to her, Julia was as dear as anyone could be. ‘Anyway, what’s your plan today? I thought we might walk along the river on the other side, up to the farm at the end. They’ve got eggs going spare, apparently. Thought they might do for tonight’s supper, what do you think?’
‘Sounds lovely.’ Julia couldn’t help but think about how she was going to fit in meeting Patrick. Even though she’d said goodbye only hours ago, the thought of not seeing him until tomorrow felt like a lifetime.
