by Helen Mcginn
‘Oh please say yes, you’d be fantastic. And I thought you could do it with your friend, Kate, is it?’
As much as Sophie wanted to scream no, the thought of first dibs on cheap school uniform was impossible to resist, especially given how quickly the children were outgrowing theirs. ‘I suppose…um, yes, OK. And I’m sure she’d be happy to help me.’ If Sophie was going to do this, she was taking Kate down with her. ‘I’m seeing her later, I’ll ask her then.’
‘Perfect! Thanks so much, Sophie. I know you two will nail it.’ With that, Amanda flashed her wide smile and turned to jog back up the path. Sophie watched her go, her glossy ponytail swinging behind her.
‘’Bye, Mama!’ Turning back towards the gate, Sophie spied Johnnie and Edie waving. She waved back. ‘See you at three! Have a good day!’ Off they ran, down the path to school. ‘Isla! Come back, darling. You can’t go with them.’ Sophie began to run down towards them, hoping to catch Isla before she disappeared into school along with her siblings.
‘You did what?’ Kate couldn’t believe what she was hearing.
‘I know, I’m sorry. But I just couldn’t resist the promise of second-hand uniform.’ Sophie shifted Isla from one knee to the other, handing her a cinnamon biscuit from the packet as she did so.
They sat in Kate’s kitchen, which, with its toy-covered floor, felt like a home from home to Sophie. Kate’s son, Gus, still in his pyjamas despite it being past midday, pushed a wooden train around the kitchen floor.
‘I mean, I’d take the toy stall over the clothes stall.’
‘I know, I’m sorry. But I think it’ll be worth the pain.’ Sophie said, brightly.
‘S’pose. But still… Anyway, what’s been going on?’
Sophie looked at her cup, unable to meet Kate’s eye. They’d known each other since they were children. One look and Kate would know Sophie was hiding something.
‘OK, what is it? You only ever don’t look at me when you’re sitting on something you’re not supposed to tell me. God, you’d make an awful poker player, Soph.’
‘Kate, I can’t.’
‘Then don’t.’
‘It’s Ed secret to tell. His family has got in touch.’
‘Oh God, Sophie. When did this happen?’
Sophie let out a long sigh. She’d been holding this news in for weeks and now, finally, it was out. ‘I feel bad even telling you but, honestly, carrying this around has been exhausting. He doesn’t want to talk about it. But he obviously wants to meet them.’
‘When did they contact him?’
‘Last month, a letter from an agency arrived. They’d been contacted by Ed’s sister… It feels so weird even saying that.’
‘Not the mother?’ Kate couldn’t hide her surprise.
‘No, it was from his sister. Or half-sister, I guess. I’m not sure. In fact, it was from his sisters. There are two of them.’
‘Oh, wow. How does Ed feel about it?’
‘Well, that’s the weird thing. I honestly couldn’t tell you. Not really, I mean. He says he wants to meet them. But he hasn’t really talked about how he feels about it, about any of it. He always said he wouldn’t look for her, for his mother. I assumed that was to do with self-preservation, you know? Having been given up once before, the idea of being rejected again was too much, perhaps. That and not wanting to upset his parents. But now that they are both gone, he must feel differently.’
‘Why have the sisters got in touch and not the mother?’
‘Apparently, according to the letter from the agency, the mother had never dared to assume Ed would want to be found. But the sisters felt strongly enough to take the chance and have said they would like to meet him, if he wants to, of course.’
Kate let out a long whistle. ‘Soph, no wonder you’ve been a bit out of it. Poor Ed, it must be such a shock.’
‘I think it really is. You know what he’s like. He’d rather talk to animals than humans, anyway, let alone to humans about how he’s feeling. Even me.’ Sophie brushed a fat tear from her eye before it fell.
‘Oh, come on, you two are heaven on earth together. He just needs time to let it sink in. And I know you would have said all the right things; you always do.’ Kate squeezed her friend’s arm across the table.
‘God, I hope you’re right, Kate. I’m just not sure how he’d cope with being let down. You know what he’s like, solid as a rock. But underneath all that there is someone who’s never known his roots, his real story, which I guess is why he’s so determined to make ours so real.’
Isla slid off Sophie’s lap to join Gus, picking up a stray wooden train as she did.
‘That’s mine!’ shouted Gus.
‘Hey, Gus, what did we say about sharing? Let Isla have that train and then you can play together.’
Gus stuck out his bottom lip, giving Isla a long, hard stare. In return, she held up her train in triumph.
‘Now that’s not the way to handle it, Isla.’ Sophie gestured to the train track. ‘Why not push yours round to meet Gus halfway?’
‘Great idea! Put yours together and you can make an even better train.’ Kate proffered the biscuits. ‘And take a biscuit for your troubles.’
‘Excellent tactics.’
‘I know. I don’t know how I do it.’ Kate shrugged. ‘Anyway, you were saying…’
‘I can’t remember. Just that it all feels like it should be good news, happy news. But it’s also hugely unsettling. And I feel guilty that I’m feeling so unsettled by it when it’s Ed who has to deal with it. I mean he has every right to meet his real family. I just can’t bear the thought of him being at all disappointed by whatever he finds out.’
‘Look, it’s bound to be tricky in parts. But the fact that they’ve reached out to him shows that they want to know him, at least. And I guess it’s up to him what happens next.’
‘Exactly. The agency says it’s completely up to him. They won’t disclose anything about Ed, or us, to his sisters unless he wants them to. The ball’s totally in his court.’ Sophie gently shrugged. ‘You won’t say anything, will you?’
‘Of course not, you know I won’t. But I’m glad you told me. So what happens next?’
‘He opens the letter, that’s what.’
Ed stood on his favourite spot on the headland, the wind carrying the scent of the sea as it whipped around him. Billy raced ahead, along the narrow track towards the grass-topped promontory ahead. Far below, the waves crashed onto the rocks, sending up soft, low booms as they did.
Since leaving the house, Ed felt the letter was burning a hole in his pocket. Reaching his favourite rock, he sat with his back to the land and looked down at the letter, now in his hands. Slowly, he opened the envelope for the second time. This time, he told himself, he would read every word.
Dear Mr Duncan,
I’m writing to you on behalf of Jessica and Annabel, two sisters who would very much like to make contact with you. You haven’t met but they asked me to approach you in the hope that you might consider doing so. I would very much appreciate you getting in touch, either at the above address or by telephoning me at your convenience so I can give you more information.
Yours sincerely,
Alison Pearce
Ed read it again, stopping at their names. Jessica and Annabel. His sisters. No matter how hard he looked at the names, these people just didn’t feel quite real. He glanced down at the dog, now sitting quietly at his feet, eyes closed, sniffing the air.
‘What do you think, Billy? Time I met them?’
Billy looked at his master, then back out to sea.
Ed imagined Alison Pearce, sitting in an office opposite the two sisters, writing down what they knew in a notepad. Which made him think: what did they know?
He couldn’t remember exactly when his parents had told him he was adopted but he also couldn’t remember a time when he didn’t know. And they’d made it feel like the most normal thing in the world, that he should be with them instead.
On his eighteenth birthday, his mother had asked him if there was anything he wanted to know about his birth parents. Deep down, he was desperate to know everything, but for the sake of his parents, for fear of hurting them, he decided that he wouldn’t – couldn’t – know. Even when they had died, both well into their eighties and barely a year apart, a couple of years before, still he hadn’t felt he could go looking for his birth mother.
Once, when drunk after a wedding in Sophie’s family, he’d opened his laptop and punched in his name and birth year into a family search website. But he’d drawn a blank before he’d even finished his whisky.
And now, sitting here on his favourite rock, in his favourite place in the world, looking out to the sea stretching far into the horizon, he felt on the brink. Excited at what he might find, scared at what he might not. His stomach lurched at the thought of meeting real people from his past.
He looked back down at Billy. ‘Of course it’s time. I mean, they’ve come looking for me, haven’t they?’
Billy sighed.
‘OK, Bill. No need to be sarcastic.’ Ed folded the letter back into the envelope and placed it back in his pocket. ‘Come on, let’s go and check that fence.’
‘Tea or coffee?’ The smartly dressed woman with a neat helmet of blond hair stood behind her chair on the other side of the desk, smiling warmly.
‘Water would be lovely, thank you.’ Jess slid into her seat.
‘I’m good, thanks,’ Annie waved her reusable coffee cup. ‘I’m already fully caffeinated.’ She laughed, rather too loudly, she thought.
‘Do you have any news?’ Jess couldn’t hide the impatience from her voice. Annie shot her a look.
Alison Pearce adjusted her glasses, reached for the jug of water on a tray on her desk and poured Jess a glass. Slowly, she took her seat.
‘Yes, I do. Good news, in fact. As you know, this process can take months, years even. And it’s not always successful. But in your case, luck has been on our side. The information that your mother’s aunt left her led us almost straight to him.’
‘Really? Have you found him?’ Annie’s stomach lurched.
‘We have.’
‘Does he want to meet us?’ Annie hardly dared say the words.
‘Yes, he wants to meet you.’
‘He does?’ Jess turned to Annie, squeezing her hand.
‘Shit, he really does. God, sorry.’ Annie smiled apologetically at Alison Pearce.
‘Yes, he really does. I’m so pleased for you. And for your mother, of course; I know you’re doing this with her blessing. But – and I know we’ve been through all this before – it’s really important that you go into this with an open mind. He might not want to maintain contact once you’ve met. Or you might find that you don’t feel quite as you might imagine when you do finally meet. Of course, every case is different but it’s not always the happy ending you might dream of.’
‘Oh, I know. I’ve been reading all about it.’ Annie immediately regretted saying that out loud, worried that it sounded ridiculous.
‘Great, read as much as you can; there are lots of brilliant books that can help you prepare for a meeting like this. As I said, it can be more complicated than you think. Your brother has his own life, and will have his own feelings about being given up for adoption. So you’ll just need to bear all that and more in mind when you meet. Take your time, all of you. It’s a big adjustment.’
‘We quite understand, thank you, Alison.’ Jess deployed her smile to make up for her earlier curtness.
‘You are most welcome. Right, so I can tell you that your brother’s name is Ed. He’s married, with children, and lives in the West Country. I have a photo here. Would you like to see it?’
Alison took a photo from her file and pushed it flat across the table so the sisters could both see.
There, looking up at them, was a tall man with kind eyes and a mop of brown hair, standing on a wind-swept beach.
Annie gasped. ‘Oh my goodness. Jess, he looks so like Patrick in the picture Mum showed me before we went to Rome.’
‘Oh, wow, he looks so familiar!’ Jess laughed, tears springing to her eyes.
‘And he’s got kids, you said?’ Annie couldn’t take her eyes from the picture.
‘Yes, he’s got three children with his wife, Sophie. Sadly his adoptive parents both died a couple of years ago. But he was very happy with them. They were obviously really lovely people.’
‘And he’d never wanted to look for Mum?’ Jess wiped at her eyes again.
‘Well, no. He decided long ago not to look because he didn’t want to upset his parents – his adoptive parents, I mean. I’m sure in time he might explain his reasons in more depth to you if he wants to.’
‘Oh my God, Jess. That’s him. I haven’t stopped thinking about him since Rome, wondering where he is. How he is. What he looks like. And seeing him, he looks just as I’d imagined, even if I didn’t know it. Do you know what I mean?’
‘I know exactly what you mean. He looks so familiar, it’s weird.’ Jess pulled the photo closer to her face, as if studying it for clues. ‘Where is this picture taken?’
‘On a beach near his home. He can tell you more when you meet.’ Alison Pearce opened the file on the table. ‘Right, so the next step in the process is for me to set up a time for you all to do that. I suggest we say somewhere of his choosing. You’ve had a little more time to get used to the idea. For him, this really is a bolt from the blue.’
‘Yes, of course, whatever suits him.’ Jess placed the photo back on the table. ‘We’ll meet wherever he likes. Just let us know when and where.’
‘Will you be there?’ Annie sounded hopeful that Alison Pearce would be.
‘That’s up to you all, but I don’t think you’ll need me there.’
‘Oh, OK. We’ll see what he says then, shall we? See what Ed thinks…’ Saying his name felt so peculiar to Annie, yet she wanted to say it over and over again.
‘So, can we tell Mum all of this?’ Jess shifted in her seat.
‘Yes, you can. And then when you meet him, you can ask him if he’d like to meet your mother. I’ve explained to him your mother’s position.’
‘I still don’t understand why she feels she has to keep that promise, given that her own mother isn’t around any more.’
‘Jess, you know Mum. If she made a promise…’
‘I know, but still.’ Jess composed herself, fixing that smile back in place. ‘So, Alison, when do you think we’ll hear from you?’
Alison Pearce closed the file. ‘Well, I’ll talk to Ed, let him know you’re happy to travel to a place that’s convenient for him to meet you and we can take it from there.’
Back on the street outside, Annie glanced at her watch. ‘I’ve got a bit of time before getting the train back. Fancy a bite to eat?’
‘Can we have wine?’ Jess took a surreptitious drag on her vape.
‘I think I need it after that. How about that place over there?’ Annie pointed at the restaurant on the corner of the small square in front of them.
‘That’ll do.’ Jess grabbed Annie’s arm and headed towards it.
Inside, the buzz of the brasserie washed over them like a warm wave. They were soon shown to a table by the window, Annie slipping into the seat with her back to the window so she could see the room. Jess immediately ordered their drinks and moments later a waiter placed two large glasses of chilled white wine and a small bowl of salted almonds in front of them.
‘The Vermentino?’
‘Yes, that’s us. Thank you.’ Jess picked up her glass. ‘To meeting our brother.’
Annie raised her glass in return. ‘To meeting Ed.’ They clinked their glasses before each taking a sip.
‘God, that’s delicious.’ Jess took another long sip. ‘So, how do you think Mum is taking all this?’
‘She seems fine. She did say that it was up to us and, to be honest, I think she was hoping we’d do this. She’s probably always wanted to find hi
m herself, but couldn’t.’
‘Has Patrick been down to see her again?’
‘Yes, he seems to be around most weekends. I’m not sure I can really ask her exactly what’s going on with him, though.’
‘But do they look like they are together?’
‘Well, they seem very happy in each other’s company. But there’s no obvious sign of romance, if you know what I mean.’
‘Ooh, no. I don’t even want to think about that. But we’ll know when she announces she’s going to get married. Again.’
‘Oh, come on, Jess. Don’t be like that. At her age she should be able to do what the bloody hell she likes.’
‘I know, I know. I’m joking. Seriously, I am joking. Anyway, he’s our brother’s father, so that makes him our… What does it make him?’
Annie picked up her glass and drank a little more. ‘I have absolutely no idea. Do you think Patrick will want to meet Ed? And vice versa?’
‘I suppose we’ll have to ask him. I guess he won’t know his real parents are still in touch. Hopefully we can help fill in the gaps and then he can decide.’
‘Bloody hell, this feels so strange.’
‘Talking of which, I need to tell you something…’ Jess held her vape in her hand, the knuckles betraying the pressure of her grip. Annie’s eyes snapped up to meet her sister’s. They held each other’s gaze for a moment before Jess looked at her glass.
‘Go on…’
‘I’ve been in touch with Ben again.’
‘Oh, Jess! Really? That’s great news! I’m so pleased.’
‘Wait, Annie. Hold on. Don’t get too excited. He’s only just moved back from New York.’
‘But he’s single – please tell me he’s single, right?’ Annie couldn’t hide the joy from her face.
