by Eden Butler
“Aly… Please, makamae, I can’t…I just can’t…” He moved my hands from his face then, slipping his fingers at the base of my skull, between the mess of bed hair there. But Ransom didn’t speak. He only took, mouth to mouth, those strong, demanding hands holding me still as he kissed me in frantic, eager kisses. He touched me and held me like he thought I’d disappear and each kiss, each touch, felt like a goodbye hanging in the background waiting to be spoken. “End game,” he finally said, coming up for air. “My end game.”
“This new?” Ethan asked, pointing to a ruby-jeweled chandelier that hung from the ceiling over the bar. His eyes searched, taking in each strand of red and crystal string and the gold-rimmed tassels that circled each.
“Yeah,” I said, glancing up at the piece with the shadow of Ransom’s memory lingering in the back of my mind. “Keira found it at the renaissance festival in Hammond last year. One of the vendors sells lights and chandeliers with a Moroccan flare. She put it up in storage and forgot to give it to me until the other day when she went up to the garage looking for a pull away mattress.”
“She running out of run at her mansion?” Ethan half laughed at that ridiculous prospect, taking a sip of wine behind his smile.
“No,” I started, trying not to let the small dig at Keira get to me. Ethan had no room to talk. He hadn’t exactly taken a vow of poverty. Taking a minute, I twirled my half empty glass, looking at the small bubbles circling around the surface. “Ransom…he can’t get upstairs yet and the sofa isn’t big enough for him to sleep on.”
Ethan had been a bit edgy, somewhat distant since the barbeque. When I asked what bothered him, he’d shake his head, dismissing my worry as him being distracted, loaded down under the weight of his cases. But something dulled the shine in his eyes. Something I guessed may have had to do with how I’d stayed with Koa and Mack while Keira and Kona were with Ransom. For nearly four days I didn’t speak to Ethan because I wanted to give the kids my full attention. They were worried about their big brother. They were scared that their parents weren’t at home. So I’d send my fiancé texts to check in, to let him know I didn’t need a thing from him.
I guessed that might be problem. Ethan hadn’t been needed and maybe that bugged him more than he let on.
“Anyway, she gave it to me when I saw her last week.” The wine felt good on my tongue, the small bite of the liquor soothing.
“You saw her?” Ethan’s eyes had gone dull again and I didn’t like how pinched his lips got, how it seemed to take effort to keep the scowl from his mouth.
“She asked me to stop by.”
“For Ransom?”
He waited for my answer and that expression—the tightened lips, the hard set of his eyes as he watched me, felt like a challenge. But I wouldn’t lie. What would be the point? “Yes. For Ransom.”
A minute head nod and Ethan looked into his glass, tapping the base with a fingernail as he spoke. “He’s not doing well I take it?”
“He’s being a little shit.” That was an understatement. In the years I’ve known him, I’d seen Ransom’s attitude more than once and every time I had, I’d been able to call him on it. But last week when I visited, he’d been cruel, angry. But I’d never seen him mean before. I’d definitely never seen that meanness directed at me. “He told me he didn’t need me worrying about him.” I took deep gulp of wine. This time it tasted bitter.
“That upset you?” Ethan asked, voice low, soft.
“Of course it upset me.” I wouldn’t hide my anger. Not from Ethan. He was forever preaching to me about honesty and truth. He wanted me to tell him how I felt about things that weighed me down. Well this attitude from Ransom, the sting I felt from it, was a heavy damn thing. I couldn’t hide that. I wouldn’t and so with Ethan looking worried, looking upset and mildly jealous, I gave him the truth he always professed to want. “It hurt. Badly. I didn’t deserve that from him, especially from him and I…” Head shaking, I realized that my voice had gotten too loud for casual conversation. It showed on Ethan’s face, in the lift of his eyebrows and the heavy line that moved between them. “It is what it is, I suppose.” I exhaled, shrugging like it didn’t bother me. “Anyway, it’s done and I don’t feel like talking about Ransom.”
“I don’t believe that.” He was slow, subtle, not meeting my gaze as he took the wine bottle from the counter and refilled our glasses.
“What?”
Ethan took two sips, licking his lips before he finally rested his glass on the countertop and slipped his hands into his pockets. This time when he spoke, he met my eyes. “That day at Kona and Keira’s, watching the game?” I nodded absently. “Until the moment Ransom got hurt I never really appreciated how much he meant to you.” He paused, keeping my gaze with the impassive glint in his eyes. It wasn’t anger, it wasn’t upset. Ethan seemed a little disappointed, but that was all I could read from his expressions. “How much he still means to you.”
“We aren’t…there’s nothing there…”
“Aly…” He moved in front of me, leaning a hip against the countertop but Ethan didn’t touch me at all. “Why are you lying to yourself? Why are you lying to me?”
“I’m…I’m…” My throat felt thick, weighty. “I’m not.”
“When he got hit, when he didn’t move, you went cold. Completely pale, baby. I watched you.” He still wouldn’t touch me, keeping his hands deep in his pockets. “How many times have I watched you sleep or laugh or talk? How many times have I seen you dance when you thought you were alone in the studio? A dozen? A hundred?” The question didn’t require an answer, I knew that. Ethan seemed to keep something inside him as he closed his eyes, like he wanted the recollection to stay inside his head. “I may not be able to read you or know what every expression means, but I know what it means when your eyes go all wide and all the color drains from your face. It happened that time we were in Biloxi and Steph dared me to jump from the plane before the pilot gave us the go ahead. You were scared, I remember that.” A half smile twitched against his mouth, but then Ethan removed it, biting the inside of his bottom lip. “But when Ransom lay on that field, all still and lifeless, you had no color. There was nothing on your face but real damn fear.”
“I…I didn’t want him hurt, that’s all.”
In the months that I’d been with him, Ethan had never looked at me the way he did just then. The emotions flickering on his features reached heights I’d never seen. He was momentarily happy, a little surprised, maybe disappointed by whatever thoughts had him keeping himself from revealing too much to me. I didn’t move or back away when he stood in front of me, when those strong, long fingers glided over my face to stop at my cheek. I wanted to know what he thought, what had made him want to bother with talking about Ransom and my feelings for him.
Then, with Ethan’s slow, sweet kiss against my lips, I realized maybe I didn’t want to know. Maybe knowing would force me to face a truth I’d been running from since the night Ethan proposed to me. “One day, I hope you love me like that. One day, Aly, I hope someone will even if it can’t be you.”
“What are you trying to say?”
He exhaled, gliding his thumb over my cheek. “I’m saying I want you to really confront your feelings. I’m saying that you can’t be with me and still love Ransom. Not the way you do.”
“I…don’t. Not like…”
“But you do,” he interrupted, moving his hand down my arm to hold my hand. “More than you realize.”
Ethan had come here to see me after being away for days. I’d been with my ex’s kid siblings, taking care of them because they needed me. Maybe that had a greater impact on Ethan than I realized. Maybe, despite all his promises of understanding, he didn’t know how to be with me and be okay that Ransom’s family was important to me. That Ransom was. But as I watched him, looking a little lost, a little disappointed, I thought that maybe Ethan was tired of playing second string. Maybe he was tired of being in the shadows. I understood that. But that didn’t
mean I had to accept it.
“So…that’s it? You want to walk away? You want to end this and not care that it’s over?”
“No.” He seemed confident about that, gripping my arms, pulling me to within inches of his face. “No, I don’t want any of that. But I also won’t be the villain here. I don’t want to be the guy who trapped you into feelings that obligated you to marry me.”
When I didn’t move, with what must have been an obstinate look on my face, Ethan shook his head, slipping his hands up to my shoulders. “I would move Heaven and Earth to spend the rest my life with you, Aly. It would be a fantasy made real. But I won’t tear you down in order to keep you at my side. If you want to be with me, baby, I will love and cherish you always. But it has to be your decision. You have to want that too.” With him holding me, saying things I didn’t know I wanted to hear, an unexpected bout of emotion took over me, had me blinking away tears that made me feel stupid and weak. It annoyed me that my chin wobbled, that I was crying and wasn’t sure why.
“You seem disappointed. Like I should be thumping my chest, telling you you’re mine. I told you I’d wait. I’m still waiting, Aly.” He moved the diamond on my left hand, fingering the glittering surface before he kissed my hand. “I’ll wait until you give me this ring back. If that happens, then I’ll know it’s over.”
Ethan kissed me again, holding my face between his hands and I let him. It felt safe. Part of me wanted to stay there in my kitchen letting a good man love me until I was old and feeble. But there was a loud voice inside my head whispering that Ethan’s love wouldn’t be enough. For all that he could give me, he couldn't give me the passion and hunger and aching need I knew in my heart of hearts that I wanted.
It wouldn’t be what Ransom could give me.
Taking a breath, I moved my head, moving against him to savor the smell of his skin before I looked up at Ethan. “I…I don’t know what…”
“Take your time, baby,” he said, kissing my forehead. “Take all the time you need.”
Your legacy is loss,
Struggle.
Unbent wills that clamor
For freedom.
Find only loss,
Strife.
Ache of a Broken promise.
Leave it behind,
Pass it along,
As a warning
One they do not heed.
Thirteen
Twenty minutes I waited in my car, watching that front door and the small face that kept peeking out behind the newly fixed pane instead of getting out and doing what I’d come to the lake house to do. Mack needed a lesson in subtlety but it wasn’t my place to give it to her. At twenty-two minutes, I decided it was stupid to sit and wonder about how wise it was stoking the fire that Ransom was.
Aly: You over your attitude? I’d texted him, getting nothing in reply. That had been a day ago and despite what Ethan thought about my feelings, I didn’t particularly love Ransom at that moment. I did still care enough to kick his ass when he needed it.
The house was quiet when I knocked, other than the scrambling Mack made behind the door, I couldn’t hear anything at all.
“Hey, Aly,” she offered when she opened the door, smile beautiful and wide and before I could answer, the girl grabbed my arm and pulled me over the threshold. “Mom and Cass are in her studio and Makua, I don’t know where he is.” She pulled me closer so I had to bend to hear her. “Ransom is on the sofa sulking.”
“Still?” I whispered when she nodded. “He hasn’t been walking around?”
“Yeah, he can walk now. Koa says he’s just being a punk then I told Koa that he was a lolo punk and he won’t talk to me now.”
It was hard not to laugh at her. Especially when she led me into the room and Mack shot her brother a rude hand gesture through the back glass doors as the boy bounced a ball against the side of the house. The insults she and Koa threw at each other were colorful and they were freakin’ adorable doing it, but I had to remind myself that I was an adult, that it wasn’t exactly proper to encourage those insults.
“Well, maybe you ought to just stay away from him, cheri.” She didn’t seem to agree with that suggestion, but when Ransom sat up, looking at me as he leaned his elbows on his knees, Mack let it go, squeezing my hand as she disappeared out onto the patio.
Ransom watched me walk into the room. I didn’t speak or acknowledge him at all until I sat across from him, easing onto the love seat with my expression neutral. Let him look. I’d put in the effort because I wanted a reaction—a skirt that was a little shorter than I would normally wear in the fall, heels I knew made my calve muscles flex when I walked. He loved my legs, always told me so and I wanted him watching. By how low his gaze moved over my body, my gut told me my efforts had paid off.
“So,” he started, relaxing against the sofa. “You decided to come back.”
“I wanted to check on you.” My voice was even, hid the small irritation I felt at how casual he was being.
“That right?” A small head tilt and Ransom leaned further back, stretching out his arms along the back of the sofa.
“Despite your protests,” I shook my head when he grinned, “worrying about you will always be part of my life. No need to attempt the bata dissing again.”
He considered me, gaze back on my legs, at the opened toe peep hole on my shoes, to the red polish on my toes nails before he worked his attention back up my body, stopping at my mouth. “I was a bastard, wasn’t I?”
“Wi.”
Around us, the house seemed to come to life again. No one seemed to care that we were making attempts at civility. Mack followed Koa back inside, both of them ignoring us as they flew up the stairs bickering at one another. The music wafting from Keira’s studio—strings and the slow whine of a steel guitar lowered, replaced by Keira’s muted voice and Cass’s response that I couldn’t quite make out. With Ransom watching me and me returning that long gaze, Cass appeared from the hallway, but didn’t speak. We disregarded him completely, continuing to watch each other like some stubborn game of chicken without a sound, without paying any attention to the slam of Keira’s studio door and her hurried ascent up the stairs.
The activity in the lake house was nothing new. There was always commotion, there was always background noise. Over the years we’d learned to ignore it. Now it seemed that Ransom and I were still good at the practice, as good as we were at silently daring the other to break.
I won this round with another slammed door sounding upstairs and Cass’s pickup cranking up outside. The noise seemed to break Ransom and he blinked, dipping his head to run his long fingers through his hair.
“Shit, nani.” He managed to get up from the sofa with little effort, as though there was no issue with his ankle at all, but I noticed the mild limp as he walked closer to sit in front of me on the coffee table. He waited just a few seconds before he spoke, watching my eyes, looking for something he didn’t seem willing to ask me outright. And then, Ransom exhaled, rubbing his neck before he leaned forward. “I just…I couldn’t stand your pity.”
“Pity?” What an incredible idiot. “Is that what the problem was?” I sat up, making him lean back when I poked his shoulder. “Ala de traka! You incredible orto! Pity? As if I would ever pity you.” Frustrated, I stood, walking around the table he sat on, not hiding the scowl on my face, not letting him utter a word as I fussed. “When, Ransom, in all the time you’ve known me, have I ever pitied you? When have I ever treated you as anything other than what you deserved? Eh?” I poked him again and finally he stood, grabbing hold on my finger.
“Never,” he admitted. He didn’t release me, came too near me and I had to fight the instinct to pull that face closer to mine.
“Wi. Never.” I stepped back, reminding myself that I had wanted a resolution, not a repeat of what had happened the day after Ethan proposed. So I retreated, trying to ignore how my heart sped, how he followed me, stood right behind me as I walked toward the patio doors. “Pity,” I mumbl
ed, head shaking as I tried to tamp down my anger.
“Makamae,” voice low, sweet, the small plea in that word went straight to my heart, “I was in a bad place. I was wrong. I’m sorry.”
And just like that, he was forgiven. Not because of his apology. Not because of that smile that melted my heart. Forgiveness for Ransom was never too far out of hand simply because he was who he was, and when he stood behind me, lazily stroking his hand down my neck, to my shoulder, I recalled how effortless it was to love him. How a single touch from him could undo me. With Ransom standing behind me, whispering apologies I knew he meant against my skin, there was no point in trying to prove Ethan wrong. My feelings for Ransom had not changed in the months I’d been with Ethan. If I was being honest, I knew they likely would never change at all.
Accepting that though, was a dangerous thing.
“I’ve never pitied you,” I told him, hoping he couldn’t see how tightly I closed my eyes in the reflection from the patio doors.
“I know.”
“I’ve…I’ve only ever…” I couldn’t say it. Not just yet. Not with the distraction of his touch, the tease of his body heat so close to me. “I’ve…”
And then he deflated my fight completely. “You’ve only ever loved me.” He kissed my neck, pulling me right against him with one arm around my waist. “Right, nani makamae?”
“Ransom…” I couldn’t stop him. Not those lips along my neck. Not those fingers along my ribs. And when I leaned against him, when I didn’t hear anything in that house but the thundering beat of my heart and Ransom’s soft, sweet breath against my skin and then, the low, eager growl when I whispered “shoushou,” that’s when I let him kiss me.
One full minute I was not there, pushed against the glass door with Ransom controlling my mouth, taking my lips, my tongue like they were his personal possessions. I was not there. I flew high, along the crest of desire, of eager, eager need and he took me there, navigated my every thought, all my emotions and I let him, wanted him to possess and control.
