'Til I Kissed You

by Pam Howes

  ‘Guess?’ she teased as Roy caught her hand and thought she looked good enough to eat. Her neat shiny hair was just begging to be messed up and that glossy pink lipstick could be kissed off in seconds.

  ‘Upstairs, woman!’ he ordered. ‘I’m not guessing, I’m telling!’ He picked up her drink and pulled her to her feet.

  ‘Roy I love it when you take charge,’ she giggled. ‘The food can definitely wait ’til later.’

  ***

  Jess stared at the page in disbelief, burst into tears and chucked her diary across the bedroom. It hit the wall and landed by the dressing table. She fastened a plastic bag around her ankle cast and hobbled into the shower. The hot water splashed over her shoulders and mingled with her tears. Last night had been so wonderful, so why, this morning, did she feel consumed with guilt. Jon had popped his head briefly around her door before going off to work. She could tell by the way he avoided her eyes that he was feeling guilty, too. But there was no going back.

  She wrapped a towel around herself and removed the plastic bag. Her pale-faced reflection in the dressing table mirror stared back at her. ‘Oh, Jess, what have you done?’ She bent to pick up the diary and stared at the page. It hadn’t changed. It was still the same date. Her period was due in exactly two weeks. Last night, in the throws of passion, she and Jon hadn’t taken precautions. She needed to speak to him, tell him of her fears.

  Grabbing her bathrobe, she limped across the landing to her parents’ bedroom. Mum was at work and dad had told her he was going grocery shopping after the school run. She picked up the phone and dialled Flanagan and Grey’s number, hoping Jon would answer, but it was Livvy. Jess asked to speak to him.

  ‘Hi, Jess! Everything alright?’

  Her stomach fluttered at the sound of his voice. ‘Hi, Jon. Err, not really. I need to tell you something,’ she began, feeling more tears welling. ‘It’s important.’

  ‘What’s wrong? ’

  ‘Last night,’ she said. ‘We didn’t use anything.’

  ‘Well there was no need.’ He lowered his voice. ‘You’re on the pill.’

  ‘Not anymore. I stopped taking it when Nick died.’

  ‘Fucking hell, Jess, I had no idea.’

  ‘I didn’t think. I’m sorry. It’s bad timing, too. I’m right in the middle of my cycle.’

  ‘Shit! Well worrying won’t help. We’ll have to keep our fingers crossed.’

  ‘But what if I’m pregnant, what will we do?’ she wailed, wanting reassurance.

  ‘Don’t get upset. Listen, I can’t really talk right now; I’m not alone. We’ll talk tonight when I get home, I promise.’

  ‘Jon, do you love me?’

  ‘You know I love you.’’ His voice was barely a whisper.

  ‘You didn’t say it this morning.’

  ‘I couldn’t. Mum and Katie were on the landing.’

  ‘Oh, okay. I’ll see you later then. I love you, too.’

  ***

  Jon sighed and put his head in his hands. He knew he’d upset Jess this morning by not speaking properly. Driving to work he’d felt bad about that. He’d hardly slept a wink. He felt guilty, but not sorry that it had happened. Shit though, what if he’d knocked her up? He turned to find Sean standing behind him, eyebrows raised. Jon looked away and muttered, ‘Where’s Livvy?’

  ‘I sent her for early lunch. What’s going on?’

  ‘Nothing,’

  ‘I’ve known you since you were three years old. I can guess when something’s bothering you. I also know that was Jess on the phone. Livvy told me before she went out.’

  Jon nodded.

  ‘Is she in some kind of trouble?’

  ‘Of course not. What makes you say that?’

  ‘I overheard you telling her not to worry; you’d keep your fingers crossed. In my day it usually meant one thing. Is Jess in the club?’

  Jon gasped at Sean’s directness. ‘No, she hasn’t even got a boyfriend.’

  ‘Is something going on between you and Jess?’ Sean persisted.

  Jon looked down at his shoes. How on earth could he admit the truth to Sean?

  ‘Jon,’ Sean said gently, ‘what’s the matter?’

  Jon closed his eyes. The guilt was eating away and he needed to unload. He glanced around. The shop was empty. He took a deep breath. ‘I slept with Jess last night.’

  Sean’s jaw dropped. ‘For fuck’s sake, she’s your sister!’

  ‘Half-sister,’ Jon said. ‘She’s my half-sister.’

  ‘Well that doesn’t make it right. You’re still blood related.’

  ‘I’m in love with her.’

  ‘Oh fuck, have you got problems!’

  ‘I’ve an even bigger one. I didn’t use anything, thought she was on the pill.’

  ‘Sounds like shades of Livvy.’ Sean rolled his eyes. ‘You dozy sod!’

  ‘I know.’ Jon shrugged. ‘All we can do is hope for a miracle.’

  ***

  Jess flung down the phone. She sobbed into her dad’s pillow and that’s how he found her ten minutes later.

  As he struggled into the kitchen with loaded bags he heard cries of anguish and followed the sounds into the bedroom.

  ‘Jess, darling, whatever’s wrong?’ He knelt beside the bed and stroked her hair. She looked at his kind, gentle eyes and concerned expression and wanted to confess everything.

  ‘Hey, hey, love, come on. Nothing can possibly be this bad, surely?’

  She sat up, tears streaming down her cheeks.

  ‘What is it, Jess? Tell me, please.’

  ‘It’s nothing,’ she shuddered.

  ‘Of course it’s something. You don’t cry like this for nothing. Are you missing Nick?’

  At the mention of Nick she went completely to pieces. She sobbed, screamed and tore at her hair. Eddie picked up the phone and called Jane at the factory. He asked her to come home right away. He’d no idea what to do with Jess. Even directly following Nick’s death her emotions had never been so out of control. He sat and held her until Jane arrived.

  Taking one look at her hysterical daughter, Jane took her in her arms and hugged her. Jess was incoherent and neither Jane nor Eddie could understand a word she was saying, except what sounded like, ‘Nick, Jon and I’m really sorry!’

  ‘What do you think’s wrong?’ Eddie asked worriedly.

  ‘Not a clue,’ Jane said. ‘But it’s something to do with Nick. She’s obviously missing him a lot more than we realise.’

  As Jess’s sobs subsided, Jane laid her back on the pillows and covered her with the duvet. Jess closed her eyes and fell into an uneasy sleep.

  ***

  ‘Let’s go downstairs and have a cup of tea,’ Jane suggested. ‘She’ll be okay now. I think she’s overtired. God knows where she and Jon got to last night after they left Jason, but they weren’t home until half-twelve.’

  ‘Must have met up with some mates,’ Eddie said as they left the room. ‘I think they could do with a holiday, Jess especially. A week in the sun, Spain maybe, would do them both good.’

  ‘Well we can’t go away at the moment,’ Jane said, following him into the kitchen. ‘Not with Tim and Pat back on Saturday and I don’t want to take the kids out of school mid-term.’

  ‘I didn’t mean us,’ Eddie said. ‘They can go on their own. Jess will be fine with Jon. He’ll look after her. We’ll discuss it with them tonight.’

  Jane turned away as she brewed a pot of tea. She’d obviously been mistaken about Jess and Jon. Jess being so inconsolable about Nick just proved there was nothing going on other than sibling support.

  ***

  Jess searched her dad’s face for evidence that he might have guessed her guilty secret. Maybe she’d yelled it out during her hysteria attack. But there was nothing other than a concerned smile as he handed her a cup of tea and sat down on the bed next to her.

  ‘Thanks, Dad,’ she said. ‘Gran’s cure all!’

  ‘Feeling better now,’ he asked, smoothing her
hair from her face and gently stroking her cheek.

  ‘Yes, thank you,’ she nodded, his gesture bringing a lump to her throat.

  ‘Your mum and I think you need a holiday. When Jon gets home from work we’ll have a chat about sending you off to Spain for a week. How do you feel about that?’

  Jess stared at him wide eyed. They couldn’t possibly go away together, but she nodded her agreement as Mum walked into the room looking anxiously at her.

  ‘Are you feeling better, love?’

  ‘Yes thank you, Mum, much better.’

  ‘Well I was going to finish work early anyway. Would you like to go shopping, maybe into Pickford? We could have afternoon tea at Tiffin Time.’

  Jess smiled and licked her lips. ‘Their cakes are wonderful. Could we buy a plant or something and take it to Nick’s grave. I’m ready to go and visit him now.’

  ‘Of course. Sammy and Roy are going today, too. They say they feel ready now. You all need to take things one step at a time.’

  ‘Maybe we could pick up some travel brochures while we’re in Pickford. Jon and I can browse through them later, see if there’s anything we fancy,’ Jess said, thinking it was best to play along with her dad’s suggestion for now, until she had a chance to speak to Jon.

  ‘It’s a deal,’ Mum said. ‘Finish your tea and I’ll help you get dressed.’

  ***

  Jon parked himself on a bench in St Peter’s Square, chain smoking and wondering what the hell he would do if Jess was up the duff. He should call her from a phone box before he went back to the shop. She’d sounded really upset earlier and with hindsight he realised he hadn’t been very reassuring. Checking his watch he realised he would be late back to work if he stopped to call her now. There was a phone in the staff room out of Sean and Livvy’s earshot. He’d use that to tell Jess he loved her and they’d talk tonight.

  He ground out the butt end of his cigarette and stood up. So absorbed in his thoughts, he’d been oblivious to the fine drizzle which had soaked his hair and was trickling down the neck of his leather jacket. Turning up his collar, he thrust his hands deep into his pockets and headed back to work.

  ***

  Sean looked up from serving a customer and smiled at Jon. He followed him into the staff room, telling Livvy to hold the fort for a minute. He closed the door and told Jon to sit down.

  ‘While you were out, Roy called. I asked him to find out if you had a problem at home. This was before your earlier confession.’

  ‘And?’ Jon frowned.

  ‘Roy’s spoken to Sammy and she told him your mum half suspects something’s going on between you and Jess.’

  ‘Fucking hell! You didn’t tell Roy what we’ve done?’

  ‘Don’t be daft. I wouldn’t betray your confidence, you should know that. But you and Jess are going to have to be very careful from now on, because Jane may be watching your every move.’

  Jon shook his head. ‘I can’t believe this. I’ve really fucked up! It’s my fault entirely, not Jess’s. I should have listened to her when she said no. I’m gonna call her. I need to know she’s okay. She was upset earlier and I wasn’t very reassuring.’

  ‘You do that and I’ll keep Livvy out of the way for a few minutes.’

  ‘Thanks, Sean, and thanks for not blowing us out to Roy.’

  ‘Well, that’s what mates are for. I don’t for one minute condone what you’ve done. But I understand how feelings get in the way of common sense. I’ve been there myself, although I might add, not with my sister!’

  ***

  Jess wasn’t home. Dad told Jon that Mum had taken her shopping. Jon listened, feeling even guiltier as Dad explained how Jess had been hysterical. He also told him that he thought a week in Spain might do the pair of them the world of good. Jon, his mind in a whirl, agreed, said goodbye and hung up. Reeling, he strolled into the shop and looked at Sean.

  ‘We need to talk,’ he mouthed over Livvy’s head.

  ‘Leave us alone for a few minutes, Liv,’ Sean said. ‘Go and help Ian in instruments. What’s wrong,’ he asked as she left.

  ‘You’re not going to believe this. Mum and Dad want to send me and Jess to Spain for a week. They think it will do us both good. Jess had a hysteria attack. Mum’s taken her shopping and to pick up travel brochures. It doesn’t make sense after what Roy told you.’

  Sean stared open mouthed. ‘Jon, you can’t possibly go away together. You’ll have to think of a good excuse not to.’

  ‘Yeah, but what?’

  ‘Tell them you can’t take time off. You’ve had two full weeks off for France and that week in Brighton.’

  Jon nodded. ‘I’ll need a few days off in November too when I go and visit Grandma. I’ll tell them I’ve used most of my annual leave; that should do it.’

  ‘Well you have, more or less. You wouldn’t get paid if you took any extra time off this year. Mind you, that wouldn’t matter to your dad, would it? He’d make sure you weren’t out of pocket.’

  ‘True, but he also knows I like to be independent. I’ll try and explain tonight, see how it goes.’

  ‘Tell him I can’t spare you because Livvy needs time off for her antenatal clinics and stuff. You’ll think of something convincing, I’m sure,’ Sean replied.

  ***

  Sammy knelt beside Nick’s grave and removed the wilting flowers from the marble urn. Roy’s parents were regular attendees and they’d brought fresh flowers each week until she and Roy were able to do it themselves. The marble headstone had been removed so that Nick’s name could be added alongside Roy’s Italian grandparents. At least Nick wasn’t totally alone, she thought, as she arranged the fresh flowers in the urn and topped it up with water. She glanced at Roy who was kneeling beside her and saw his face crumple. She put her arms around him as he sobbed heartbrokenly on her shoulder.

  ‘It’s not getting any easier,’ he sniffed, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

  ‘Not really,’ she said. ‘I can go for a few minutes without him on my mind and then wham; it hits me that I’ll never see him again.’

  They walked slowly back to the car park, their arms around one another.

  ‘Are you going back to the factory, or are you going home?’ he asked.

  ‘Back to the factory. I told Jane to take time off to spend with Jess, so she’ll be waiting to go. Drive me back to the hotel to get my car then take yourself off to see Ed.

  As they approached Roy’s car, Jane’s black Porsche swung into view. They watched as Jane leapt out and helped Jess up from the passenger seat. Jess carried a potted plant and smiled as she limped towards them.

  Jane took Sammy on one side as Roy greeted Jess with a hug. Sammy listened as Jane told her about the hysteria attack and how Eddie had decided that Jess and Jon should take a short holiday. Sammy nodded, looking at Roy and Jess who were talking.

  ‘Poor kid. It takes time. Roy’s just broken down, too. So, do you reckon now that you were definitely mistaken about her and Jon?’

  Jane nodded. ‘I honestly think I was. Jon’s being supportive and concerned, like a loving brother should be. I told you I’ve got an over active imagination. Fancy me thinking something like that about my own kids. She was in such a state. Ed was worried to death.’

  Sammy gave her a hug. ‘Give her time and lots of support. I’ll get back to work and I’ll see you at the airport tomorrow. You and Ed take the Jeep, I’ll take the BMW and Mum and Tom will take their car, too. Pat and Tim will have loads of luggage, so we’ll need as much boot space as possible.’

  Jane nodded excitedly. ‘I really can’t wait. It’s so nice to have something good to look forward to after the last few weeks.’

  Sammy linked her arm through Jane’s as they walked across to Roy and Jess.

  ‘Ready, Sam?’ Roy smiled.

  ‘I am.’ She took his hand and squeezed it. ‘See you two tomorrow.’ She waved as Jane and Jess made their way arm in arm towards Nick’s grave.

  ***

/>   Jess was dozing, the holiday brochures on the floor beside her bed when Jon knocked on the door.

  ‘Come in.’ She struggled to sit up and he was immediately by her side, lifting her easily and plumping up her pillows. He sat beside her taking her hand.

  ‘Hi,’ he smiled.

  ‘Hi, yourself,’ she replied with a wistful grin as he leant in to kiss her.

  ‘I love you, Jess,’ he said, stroking a straying lock of hair from her face.

  Jess felt her stomach flip as she gazed into his eyes. ‘I love you, too.’

  ‘So what happened today?’

  ‘I lost the plot. Everything crowded in on me. Nick’s death and what’s happening between us. It was all too much.’ She stroked his cheek. ‘And also I just needed to know that you really love me.’

  ‘Oh, Jess, you fool. Of course I do. That’s the whole point. Last night wouldn’t have happened at all if I didn’t love you. I’ve thought about nothing else all day. I want us to be a couple. Driving home tonight, I’ve been wracking my brains, trying to work out how the hell we can do it. I think I’ve come up with a solution. I don’t know what you’ll think of my idea, and we don’t have to do it yet, but its there for the future.’

  ‘What?’ she asked intrigued. Jess hadn’t considered that she and Jon could ever have a future.

  ‘Well,’ he began, ‘the way I see it, the only way we can do it is to move away. We could flat share. It’s not uncommon for brothers and sisters to move away from home together. If we got a two bed-roomed flat, it would look like we’re innocently sharing the rent and bills etcetera. What do you think? We’ll have to get new jobs of course, but I’ve got the bulk of my inheritance from Celia to tide us over and you’ve still got a fair bit of yours.’

  Jess stared at him. What he said made perfect sense; they could be together. ‘Let’s do it. But we’ll wait until after Christmas and plan it properly. It’s best if we’re around this year, for Sammy, Roy and Jason and it’s Pat and Tim’s first Christmas home, too.’

  Jon hugged her. ‘Okay. There’s something I have to tell you though. Sean overheard my conversation with you this morning. I told him what had happened. He more or less guessed anyway and I had to tell someone, the guilt was killing me. He won’t say anything, but Roy told him Mum spoke to Sammy about us and she suspects there’s something going on.’