by Claire Adams
I felt numb after he left, but that numbness only lasted for a few minutes until the tears started. I couldn’t hold them back any longer, and I sat on the couch and clutched a pillow and cried in a way I hadn’t cried in a long, long time. It didn’t feel particularly good or cathartic. I didn’t stop crying and feel as though a dark cloud had been lifted. I stopped crying when my body seemed to have run out of tears, and then I just felt... hollow. Almost as though a limb had been cut off, like I was missing a very important part of myself. Yet I was also overwhelmed by how powerless I felt, how there seemed nothing I could do to remedy the situation, nothing I could do to change his mind.
Was I supposed to move? There was no way I’d be able to continue living next to him, knowing that he was right there, hearing him out in the backyard with Declan. Living next door to each other had once seemed like such a blessing, but now it felt like a curse; it felt like a trap that I had unwittingly fallen into and now had no way to get out of.
I didn’t know what to do.
I called my mother.
“Oh, Allie,” she said, when I’d finally managed to get the whole story out. “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I can hear in your voice how hurt you are by this whole thing. Should I come up there?”
“No, you don’t have to do that,” I said. I didn’t particularly want to be alone right then, but I also didn’t want her staying over here and possibly going over to Cole’s to give him a piece of her mind or something. “But maybe... do you think I could come down there?”
“Of course,” she said, though she sounded a little surprised. We both were; I hadn’t planned on asking that, but suddenly, getting away from here seemed more important than never seeing Bill again. Bill seemed like a tiny, microscopic problem to me now. “Come down whenever you want; stay as long as you need to. Bill is down in New York for the next five days, so I’ve got the whole place to myself. I was just starting to feel a little lonely, in fact.”
“I’ll drive down tomorrow morning,” I said. “I’ll text you when I’m on the road.”
I thought a long drive would do me some good, give me something to concentrate on, especially if I blasted some music really loud. But I just couldn’t shake that feeling of there being nothing I could do, except move on, which seemed impossible. I knew that I wasn’t the first person to go through a breakup, and maybe if I’d actually dated some people before this, I’d have some practice with it under my belt, but it felt like there was no way I was ever going to feel okay again. As I drove, the highway in front of me would sometimes blur, but I blinked furiously, keeping the tears from falling. I didn’t want to cry about this anymore; it seemed pathetic, but every time I thought about not being able to see Cole again, this immense sadness seemed to overwhelm me.
I got into my car. The window was partially down, and I could hear Declan calling my name from his side yard. I pretended I didn’t hear him, though, as I backed down the driveway, and I still pretended I wasn’t able to hear him as he approached, waving, a smile on his face. I kept my gaze fixed firmly on the road in front of me, though I was aware of him in my peripheral vision. He stayed on the lawn and didn’t come out onto the road to the car, but he was still yelling my name. I turned my head ever so slightly and saw Cole walking after him. Just the sight of him made my heart hurt.
Declan called my name once more, but then I drove off, and the sound of his voice receded, and when I looked in my rearview mirror before I turned at the end of the road, I saw him and Cole standing there, watching me go. What had he told Declan? I wondered. I felt bad ignoring him like that, just driving off, but I hoped it would seem like I just hadn’t heard him.
I hoped that he wouldn’t be too hurt over this whole thing. He might for a little while, but he’d be fine, I knew it. Kids were resilient like that. I wasn’t so sure about myself, though.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Cole
“Where is Miss Allie going?”
We stood there at the end of the driveway, watching as Allie’s car turned the corner, disappeared. She could’ve been going anywhere—to the grocery store, to drop off a letter at the post office, off to go meet up with a friend—but for some reason, I had the feeling that we weren’t going to see her for a while.
“I’m not sure, bud,” I said.
“Can we go see her when she gets back? Didn’t she hear me calling her?”
“I’m sure she would’ve stopped if she had heard you,” I said, though I was pretty sure she had heard him. Not that I could fault her for not stopping, for not wanting to talk to him. Me, really. And that’s what sucked about this whole thing, I was realizing, this whole trying to date when you already had a kid. You always ran the chance that the person you were dating and your kid wouldn’t get along, but then the opposite was true, too: they might get along so well, and if and when things didn’t work out, it would be just as hard on the kid as it was on the adults that the relationship was coming to an end.
No one was home at Allie’s house the next day, Sunday, and I could tell that Declan was distracted, looking over there every once in a while. I was glad when my parents got there; at least that would give him something to take his mind off of it for a while.
I hadn’t planned on bringing up the whole fiasco with my parents, but my mother was usually pretty good about being able to tell when something was bothering me, so when Declan and my dad were settled on the deck playing a round of Go Fish, my mother cornered me in the kitchen.
“Something’s wrong,” she said. “What’s wrong?”
I hung the dish towel I’d just been drying my hands with on the oven door handle. “I broke things off with Allie.”
My mother’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Why? I thought things were going really well with her. You two made such a great couple.”
“I’m just not...it’s not the right time for me to be in a relationship.”
“What are you talking about, Cole? You’re 31, not 21.”
“Yes, Mom, I’m well aware of that fact, thank you.”
“I’m not saying it to try to insult you. I’m saying it because most guys your age are at least involved in a serious relationship.”
“Ben’s not. He’s my age.”
“Yes, well, Ben is a different story altogether. You’ve got a successful practice. Declan is great. And you and Allie seemed like a perfect match. Did something happen?”
“I lost Declan,” I said. “When we went down to Boston to see Allie’s mother, we went to the Children’s Museum, and on the way out, I lost him. Because I was kissing Allie.” Even now, I felt a shame inside of me, just admitting it.
My mother blinked. “But you obviously found him.”
“I shouldn’t have lost him like that in the first place. He saw a group of kids with a bunch of balloons, and he just took off after them, crossed a busy intersection with them, and went to the frozen yogurt shop and ordered himself a dish of soft serve. All while I was running around looking for him, completely losing my shit.”
“I didn’t realize that had happened,” she said. “I’m sorry, Cole. That must’ve been very scary for you.”
“It was. Luckily, he was safe. But the whole time, I kept thinking the worst, and that if something had happened to him, I’d never be able to forgive myself.”
“But nothing happened to him,” she said, sounding confused. “He’s safe and sound. Crisis averted.”
“You’re right,” I said. “And that’s extremely fortunate. I don’t want something like that to happen again.”
Declan came running in from out back just then, right as my mother was about to say something. I was glad for the interruption, though.
“Guess what!” Declan said. “I beat Grandpa! And I know he wasn’t just letting me win. He was actually trying really hard! Does anyone else want to try and beat me?”
“I will, bud,” I said, following him back out onto the deck, glad for the excuse to not continue the conversation with my mother.<
br />
I expected Allie to be at the Learning Center on Monday when I dropped Declan off, and I could tell that he was eager to see her, too. But there was another woman there, an older woman who had been in there before when a substitute was needed. I tried to act nonchalant when I asked one of the teachers, Amy, about where Allie was. I knew Allie and Amy hung out sometimes, but I didn’t know if Allie had told her anything.
“She’s taking some time off,” Amy said, and from the cool note in her voice, I was willing to bet that Allie had at least mentioned something to her about what had happened. I found myself wanting to offer my side of the story, to explain it to her, but I knew better. I knew how it would make me sound.
I met up with Ben at Perkins State Park, ready for a couple good hours of hard riding. Even that, though, an activity I had always enjoyed, even today that enjoyment seemed elusive. I gave both my body and my bike a good beating, but my brain kept spinning back to Allie, kept feeling like I had done something wrong.
“You’re losing your edge,” Ben said when we were back at the parking lot, guzzling the remainder of our water bottles. “I could’ve easily overtaken you on the way back.”
“Then why didn’t you?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. Tradition? Courtesy?”
I tossed the empty water bottle onto the front seat of the car. I knew he was telling the truth; the whole way back I could feel him right behind me, and if he had gone to pass, I just wouldn’t have had it in me to hold him off. “So why didn’t you then? You could be gloating right now. Maybe I am losing my edge.”
“I don’t think so. But there is something going on.”
“Well, you’re right. You might as well know,” I said. “I broke things off with Allie.”
He gave me a surprised look. “You did?” he said. “Why the hell would you do something like that? I thought things were going great and shit.”
“The whole thing with Declan,” I said. “When we went to the city.” I shook my head. “I have never felt more afraid in my entire life. And it was my fault because I was too distracted with Allie.”
He kept looking at me, but not saying anything, as though he were waiting for me to continue. “So that’s what’s bothering me.”
“And...?”
“What do you mean?”
“What else happened? Don’t tell me you broke up with her just because Declan happened to wander off. Kids are always doing shit like that. That’s like saying you broke up with her because he picked his nose and tried to eat it.”
“Declan might pick his nose, but he doesn’t eat it.”
“Okay, fine, that was a bad example. But you get my point. What was the other reason you broke up with her for?”
“There wasn’t.”
“Oh, man.”
“What?” I said. “She’s single now. You can go date her.”
He regarded me as if he thought that last comment was in very poor taste, which it was. I held my hands up. “Never mind,” I said. “Just forget I mentioned anything.”
“No, I’m not trying to give you a hard time about it.”
“You’re not? Because that’s exactly what it seems like you’re doing. I don’t even need to have an acceptable answer for you, or my mother, or anyone, about why I broke up with her. I did it for my own reasons, and seeing as I was the one going out with her, that’s what matters.”
“You’re right,” Ben said. “Can’t argue that. And we can drop it after this. But if you’re telling me that you broke up with her just because of that, and you still have all the same feelings you did prior to this happening, well... that just seems pretty short-sighted to me.”
“Do I have a flashing sign over my head that says I am looking for relationship advice? I must, because that’s all anyone seems interested in talking to me about.”
He started to say something but I brushed past him, got my bike, threw it on the rack, got in the car, and drove off.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Allie
“You can’t just lie around and mope.” My mother stood in the doorway to the guest bedroom, looking down on me, both literally and figuratively. “You’ve been here for two whole days, and you’ve spent the majority of the time in this bedroom. Not acceptable. What happened with Cole is unfortunate, but you’ve got to get on with things. You can’t let this completely derail you. Now let’s get up; we’re going out.”
She strode across the room, threw the curtains back, and yanked up the blinds. Sunlight poured into the room, and I squinted against it, wanting nothing more than to burrow underneath these covers, hopefully for forever.
Was I being dramatic? Yes, I was, but I couldn’t help it. I could not, for the life of me, figure out how to pull myself out of this funk. Did I ever envision that I would be one of those people who simply could not function after a breakup? No. But then again, I’d never been broken up with before. Cole was my first for basically everything, and the fact that we were no longer together was more painful than I had ever imagined would be possible.
“Sweetie.”
My mother came over and sat down on the edge of the bed. She brushed my hair back from my face and waited until I was looking at her before she continued to speak. “I know things did not work out how you had hoped. How I had hoped. You and Cole are great together. But there are other great guys out there, too. You know that, right? I personally think he was a fool for breaking up with you, but that doesn’t mean you won’t meet someone even better than him.”
“I don’t care about that,” I said.
“Of course you don’t right now. And that’s fine. Right now, I just want to see you up and out of bed and getting some sun and doing something that would maybe put a little bit of a smile on your face.”
I finally forced myself up, because I knew my mother would continue to harass me until I did. And my back was kind of sore from lying around for so long, but my heart just really wasn’t into anything that my mother wanted to do.
She tried her best, though. When I finally got dressed, we left, and she took me out to get coffee and pastries, and then we walked around for a little while, and then she took me to her favorite spa and paid for a two-hour Swedish massage followed by some time in the sauna and a pedicure.
I was lying facedown on the massage table, naked underneath the sheet, while the masseuse kneaded my lower back muscles. It felt good, but in an abstract way, almost like it was happening to someone else. And I was remembering that time I’d had my annual appointment with Cole, how long ago that seemed, how mortified I’d been, yet how there had been an element to it that had been exciting, exhilarating. And then how our relationship had progressed, how just knowing he was right there next door was both a comfort and a thrill, how losing my virginity to him had just seemed like the right thing to do. Like he was the reason that I had waited so long.
I didn’t even realize that I was crying until the masseuse said to me, “It’s okay, it happens sometimes. We store emotional trauma in our muscles, so when we get our body worked on like this, sometimes it brings things up.” She laid a hand on my shoulder and squeezed; then went back to the massage.
My face was in the face cradle, so I just managed the slightest of nods. I didn’t want to be crying, but the whole thing just seemed so sad. I had been in love, and it didn’t work out—but who knew that it would feel like this? Who knew that another person could cause someone so much pain?
The thing was, I couldn’t even be mad at Cole. It wasn’t like he had done something—he hadn’t cheated on me, he hadn’t lied to me, he hadn’t abused me in any way, shape, or form. But his absence felt like an injury I would never recover from. Even as the masseuse gently kneaded my muscles, trying to release the stress and apparently whatever emotional traumas I had been storing, even with all of that happening, I just had the feeling I would never be the same again.
After we were finished at the spa, my mother wanted to go to a café, so we went and got coffee. I already
felt jittery, so I ordered an iced decaf latte instead, and I sipped on it slowly while we sat at an outside table, under the awning.
“Now, didn’t we have a nice day out?” my mother asked.
“Yes,” I said, wanting to be careful not to make it sound like I was being ungrateful. I tried to smile. “The massage was nice.”
“Oh, tell me about it.” She rolled her shoulders back and leaned her head to one side, then the other. “I just feel so limber now. It really just melts the stress away.”
My shoulders did feel slightly less tense.
“So, are you planning to stay over tonight? We could go to this nice little trattoria for dinner...”
“I should probably drive back soon,” I said. “I think I’ll probably leave in a little while.”
“I’m glad we were able to get out of the house then today. I would’ve hated it if the whole time you were here, you just stayed in bed.”
“And I appreciate you trying to make me feel better. I just feel like the whole thing isn’t fair,” I said. “I know that sounds immature and that I should just get over it, but what was the point in waiting this long to lose my virginity if the guy I lose it to is just going to dump me not long after that?”
My mother sighed. “It’s noble that you waited as long as you did,” she said. “Romantic, even. But you can’t let it mean something more than it does. Most girls your age have had sex by now. Very few people only sleep with one person. Meaning, for the majority of us, we sleep with a whole bunch of people before we finally find the right person to settle down with.”
“I know that,” I said. “But it still feels shitty.”
“It won’t forever; I can promise you that. Sometimes that’s the only thing that you have to hold onto—the knowledge that it’s not always going to feel this way forever. Even if it seems that way.”
