For the lovely Lauren Ace ~ D R
For Ted – may you always have a BFF ~ A M
Contents
Title Page
Dedication
1 Kiss!
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
2 Hamster!
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
3 Boast!
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
Copyright
CHAPTER 1
It was morning break. Bertie reached into his pocket for his secret weapon: a slimy slug. Unlike most people, Bertie liked slugs. He liked their sluggy colour and the cold, slippery feel of them. He looked around the playground. Who would be his first victim? Royston Rich? Royston was always bragging that nothing scared him. Or Know-All Nick? Bertie would enjoy putting a slug down his neck. But Nick would only tell tales to Miss Boot. He had a better idea – what about Angela Nicely? Angela lived next door to Bertie and she’d been in love with him for ever. She was always telling people that he was her boyfriend. Well, he’d soon put a stop to that. Wait till Angela saw the fat, slimy slug he’d got for her. How she’d scream and beg for mercy!
Angela was sitting on a bench, playing a game with her friends, Laura and Maisie.
“Your go, Laura,” said Maisie. “Truth, Dare, Kiss or Promise?”
“Truth,” said Laura.
“Is it true … I’m your Best Friend Forever?” said Maisie.
Laura thought hard. “No,” she said. “Angela is.”
Maisie sulked.
“My go, my go!” sang Angela, excitedly.
“Okay,” said Laura. “Truth, Dare, Kiss or Promise?”
Angela smiled. “KISS!” she said.
“ANGELA!” squealed Laura and Maisie. “You’ll have to kiss a boy!”
“I don’t care!” declared Angela.
“All right, but you’ve got to kiss whoever we say,” said Maisie.
“That’s the rules,” agreed Laura. “Or else you’re out of the game.”
Maisie looked around the playground for a likely victim. It had to be someone disgusting – some grubby, bogey-nosed boy.
“OH, ANG-ELA!” yelled Bertie, holding up the slug. “Look what I’ve got!”
Maisie grinned. “HIM!” she said, pointing.
“Yes, Bertie, kiss Bertie!” cried Laura.
Bertie turned pale. His mouth fell open. “W-what?”
“ANGELA WANTS TO KISS YOU!” chanted the girls.
“No she doesn’t!” gasped Bertie.
“Yes I do!” beamed Angela, jumping to her feet. “I’ve got to. It’s the rules!”
Bertie turned pink. He backed away. What rules? Had they all gone mad?
“Keep back!” he cried. “I’ve got a slug!”
“I don’t care!” said Angela, coming closer.
“A big wet, slimy slug,” said Bertie, holding it out. “I’ll put it in your hair!”
But Angela just kept coming. “I’m going to kiss you!” she sang.
“No!” gasped Bertie.
“Yes I am!”
“Go on, Angela!” urged Laura.
“Keep back!” yelled Bertie, desperately. “Don’t come near me!”
Angela took no notice. She puckered her lips and leaned in closer.
“ARGHHHHHHH!” yelled Bertie. He dropped the slug and ran for it.
CHAPTER 2
Darren and Eugene were sitting on the wall at the far end of the playground.
“Quick!” panted Bertie, tearing round the corner. “Help me hide!”
“What’s going on?” asked Darren.
“She’s after me!”
“Who? Miss Boot?”
“No! Angela!”
They both stared at him. “Angela?” said Eugene. “Angela in Class 1?”
“You don’t understand,” said Bertie. “She wants to…” He could hardly bring himself to say it. “She wants to kiss me!”
“KISS YOU!” howled Darren and Eugene.
“Shh! Don’t tell everyone!” groaned Bertie.
“But kiss you! Ha ha! Hee hee!” chortled his friends, helpless with laughter.
“It’s not funny!” groaned Bertie. “She won’t leave me alone! Don’t let her find me!”
“You better hide then,” grinned Darren. “Here she comes.”
Bertie dived behind a tub of flowers. A moment later, Angela and her friends came running up.
“Have you seen Bertie?” asked Angela, breathlessly.
Darren looked at Eugene. “Let me think … have we seen Bertie?”
Eugene frowned. “I don’t think so.”
“Why do you want him?” asked Darren.
Angela beamed. “I’m going to kiss him!”
“It’s the rules!” Laura explained. “She has to, don’t you, Angela?”
Angela nodded. She didn’t mind kissing Bertie. After all, he was her boyfriend.
“Oh, you’re Angela,” said Darren. “Bertie’s always talking about you, isn’t he, Eugene?”
“Er … yeah,” said Eugene. “He loves you.”
“He wants to marry you!” said Darren.
Angela stared. “Really? He said that?”
“Millions of times,” said Darren. “But you know what he’d like best?”
Angela shook her head.
“A big fat kiss!” said Darren.
Angela clapped her hands. “I’m going to!” she said. “I’m going to kiss him as soon as I find him! Come on!”
She ran off, with her two friends chasing behind.
“Ha ha! Hee hee!” hooted Darren and Eugene, holding their sides.
Bertie crept out from his hiding place. “What did you tell her that for? Now she thinks I like her!”
“No,” grinned Darren. “She thinks you LOVE her.”
“And you want to marry her!” said Eugene.
Bertie held his head. “Stop saying that! I DON’T!”
“Yes, you do! Bertie loves Angela!
Bertie loves Angela!” chanted Darren and Eugene.
“SHUT UP!” yelled Bertie. What if people heard? This was growing worse by the minute.
“Look! There he is!” cried a shrill voice. “BERTIE!”
Bertie turned. Help! Angela had spotted him. RUN!
Bertie screeched round a corner and ducked into the boys’ toilets. He darted into one of the cubicles, locking the door behind him. Phew! Made it! Angela and her friends had chased him all over the playground – but they couldn’t follow him in here. He slumped against the wall, his heart beating fast.
This is a nightmare, he thought. What if she catches me? Angela was only small, but she was extremely determined. Imagine it – Bertie, the Terror of Class 3, kissed by a girl. YUCK! It was too horrible for words. He’d never be able to show his face again.
CREAK!
The door of the boys’ toilets opened. Bertie froze in terror. Surely it couldn’t be Angela?
Footsteps crossed the floor.
CLUMP! CLUMP! CLUMP!
They stopped right outside his door. Bertie held his breath.
RATTLE! RATTLE!
Someone tried the door handle. Bertie shrank back against the wall.
“BERTIE!” boomed a voice. “I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE!”
Bertie sagged with relief. Even facing the wrath of Miss Boot was better than being kissed by Angela!
“Just going to the toilet, Miss!” he called.
“Well, get a move on. The bell went five minutes ago!”
CHAPTER 3
Back in class, Bertie tried to stay calm. Angela couldn’t get him here. He was safe until lunchtime, and by t
hen she might have forgotten the whole thing. He leaned over and tried to sneak a look at Eugene’s answer sheet.
“BERTIE!”
He looked up. Miss Boot was beckoning him forward.
“Uh oh, trouble,” murmured Darren.
Bertie trailed out to the front. What had he done this time? Miss Boot pointed to a pile of books on her desk.
“Take these to Miss Darling,” she said.
Bertie brightened up – anything was better than maths. But wait a minute, didn’t Miss Darling teach Class 1? That was Angela’s class!
“Can’t someone else go?” he begged. “I’ve got a bad leg.”
“You were fine just now,” snapped Miss Boot.
“But Miss…”
“No arguments, Bertie. And make sure you come straight back.”
Huh! He certainly wouldn’t be hanging around – not if Angela was nearby.
Five minutes later he knocked on the door of Class 1.
“Come in!” called Miss Darling.
Bertie tottered in, trying not to drop the books.
“Miss Boot said to bring you these.”
“Thank you, Bertie.” Miss Darling smiled. “Put them in the storeroom, can you?”
But Bertie wasn’t listening. Someone at the back of the class was waving to him. Angela Nicely. Bertie felt hot. He thought he might pass out.
“Are you all right?” asked Miss Darling. “The books, Bertie. Put them away.”
“Oh yes, right.” Bertie hurried over to the storeroom. Inside he flicked on the light. Rows of shelves were stacked with hundreds of books.
CLICK!
He spun round. Someone had come in, and shut the door. Help! Angela and her friends. Bertie backed towards the shelves. He was trapped!
“Hello, Bertie!” smiled Angela.
“Keep back!” warned Bertie.
“It’s your girlfriend,” said Maisie. “She just wants one little kiss.”
“BLECH!” said Bertie.
“You love her,” said Laura. “You want to marry her!”
“I’d rather marry a slug!” replied Bertie.
Angela kept coming – insults had no effect.
“Stay back or I’ll … I’ll burp!” threatened Bertie.
“I don’t care!” said Angela. “I’m going to kiss you!”
Bertie looked around for some kind of weapon. There was nothing but books. He jumped on to a chair. Angela grabbed him round the legs. She pulled. Bertie wobbled. The chair tipped and he lost his balance.
“ARGHHHH!”
THUD! BANG! THUMP!
Bertie sprawled on the floor under a pile of books. The storeroom door flew open and Miss Darling appeared.
“What’s going on in here?” she cried, glaring at the three girls.
“Angela, I’m surprised at you! Are you meant to be in here?”
Angela hung her head. “No, Miss.”
“Then get back to your work. And Bertie, clear up this mess and return to your class.”
“Yes, Miss. Thank you, Miss,” said Bertie, gratefully. He picked himself up. It had been a close call, but he had survived.
CHAPTER 4
Bertie checked the clock. It had been a long day. Every time he turned a corner, Angela seemed to be lying in wait. At lunch-break he’d avoided her by staying close to Miss Boot. But now it was almost home time. Angela and her friends would be waiting for him outside. His only chance was to make a quick getaway.
DRRINGGG!
The bell went. Bertie shot out of his place. He streaked for the door like a greyhound.
“BERTIE!” barked Miss Boot. “WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING?”
“Home, Miss.”
“Did I say you could go?”
“No, but—”
“Then sit down and wait till you’re told.”
Darren and Eugene grinned as Bertie drooped back to his seat. Miss Boot droned on about homework. By the time she finished it was too late. Through the window, Bertie could see Angela and her pals guarding the gates.
He slunk into the cloakroom and hid behind the coat racks.
“What are you doing?” asked Eugene.
“Hiding. From Angela!” hissed Bertie.
“Your girlfriend?” said Darren.
“It’s not funny!” grumbled Bertie. “You should help me, instead of making stupid jokes.”
“I’d like to,” said Darren, “but I’ve got to get back. Mum’s getting me new trainers. Tell you what, I’ll come round later to check you made it home alive,” he said.
Eugene hung back. “Are you coming, Bertie?”
“I can’t,” said Bertie. “She’ll see me!”
“Not if you sneak past her,” said Eugene. “You could wear a disguise.”
A disguise, thought Bertie – it wasn’t such a bad idea. But what? He looked around. Someone had left a coat hanging on one of the pegs. He tried it on. He was only going to borrow it … after all, this was an emergency.
Five minutes later, Eugene and Bertie crossed the playground. Bertie’s face was hidden by a bright pink anorak. He felt ridiculous.
“This had better work,” he whispered.
“It will, trust me,” said Eugene. “Just don’t say a word.”
They reached the gates. Angela and her pals blocked their path.
“Have you seen Bertie?” asked Angela.
“Er, no,” said Eugene. “He must’ve gone home.”
Angela shook her head. “He hasn’t come out yet. We’ve been watching.” She stared at the girl in the pink anorak. “Have you seen him?”
Bertie shook his head, keeping it lowered.
“She’s a bit shy,” explained Eugene.
“What’s her name?”
“Er …Tina,” said Eugene.
“I’m Angela,” said Angela. “When Bertie comes out I’m going to kiss him.”
“No chance,” muttered Bertie.
“Pardon?”
“She said, ‘Oh pants, we’d better go!’” replied Eugene. “Come on, Tina!”
Angela watched them hurry past. She noticed Tina was wearing muddy trainers – just like Bertie’s. Come to think of it, she walked like Bertie too. Angela ran after her and pulled down her hood.
“BERTIE!” she squawked.
“Quick!” yelled Bertie. “RUN!”
Back home, Bertie leaned against the front door, panting for breath. Angela would hallve caught him this time, if he hadn’t been too fast for her. He thumped upstairs and threw himself on his bed. No way was any girl going to kiss him. They’d have to catch him first, and he was way too clever. Bertie smiled to himself as he reached for his secret stash of biscuits.
He was munching the last one when the doorbell rang.
“Bertie, it’s for you!” yeed his sister, Suzy. “It’s one of your friends!”
“Send them up,” shouted Bertie. It was probably Darren come to make fun of him. Ha! Wait till he told him about his brilliant escape.
The door opened. Bertie looked up.
“Hello, Bertie!” beamed Angela. “All on your own?”
CHAPTER 1
Bertie yawned and glanced at the clock. Ten minutes to go. Tomorrow was the start of the half-term holidays.
Over by the window Snuffles, the class hamster, dozed in his cage. Snuffles was a legend. Miss Boot said he was six years old, which for a hamster was like a hundred or something. If he lived much longer he’d probably make it into the Guinness World Records. It was just a pity he slept so much of the time. Bertie reckoned it was because he was bored. Anyone would be bored having to listen to Miss Boot every day. If Snuffles was Bertie’s pet he would have taught him tricks – rolling over, standing on his head, maybe even tightrope walking.
Bertie sighed. It was pointless even thinking about it – Miss Boot would never trust him with Snuffles. Over the holidays the class took it in turns to look after the hamster, but Miss Boot only chose “sensible” children. She had pinned a list of names on the wall. Eugene
was on the list, so was Donna and Know-All Nick. Bertie wasn’t. It wasn’t fair. Why did he never get picked for anything?
DRRINGGG!
The bell rang for home time. Everyone cheered and packed away their books.
“Wait!” boomed Miss Boot. “Who is taking Snuffles home for the holidays?”
Donna raised her hand. “It’s Eugene’s turn, Miss.”
“Ah, yes,” said Miss Boot. “Wait behind please, Eugene.”
The class piled out of the door. Bertie waited with Eugene while Miss Boot collected together Snuffles’ things.
“Don’t forget to clean out his cage and give him food and water every day,” said Miss Boot.
“Yes… Oh no!” Eugene gasped.
“What’s the matter?” asked Miss Boot.
“I just remembered – we’re away this week visiting my gran.”
Miss Boot rolled her eyes. “Isn’t anyone staying at home?”
Eugene shook his head.
“Really! Why didn’t you say so before?” asked Miss Boot.
“I forgot,” said Eugene.
“Well, who’s going to look after Snuffles? We can’t leave him here – and everyone’s gone home.”
“I haven’t!” said Bertie, eagerly.
Miss Boot glared. “You?”
“Yes, I could look after him.”
“But you haven’t asked your parents,” said Miss Boot. “What if they say no?”
“They won’t,” Bertie replied. “My mum loves pets!”
This wasn’t strictly true, but Bertie wasn’t going to let a little thing like that get in the way. This might be his only chance to look after Snuffles.
“Please!” he begged.
Miss Boot groaned. Why Bertie, of all people?
Kiss! Page 1
