by John Rickett
Candice: “Grind at 4.”
Grum hovered his leathery finger over Lexi’s button, breathing in. Breathing out. In. Out.
I will not fail.
He pushed!
Dexterity Check: (Easy)
Critical Failure!
Additional Effect Applied
Lexi’s button got stuck. Wedged almost sideways in its harness. Grum tried to dig his fingernail in, as Lexi chug chug chugged, but it was too thick.
“Bout fifteen seconds is all you need,” Gabe said, turning around.
“Yeah. Fifteen,” Grum muttered, pretending to be concentrating on the machine, nodding to some nonexistent contemplation. He scanned the area. Candice was busy with the toaster. Gabe had gone back to chatting with the customer.
Grum pilfered a butter knife from a cup on the counter. The cup fell sideways, spilling other pieces of silverware across the metal counter. By the time Candice looked up from the toaster, Grum was saying, “I will succeed,” while feverishly collecting the pieces, stowing the butterknife in his hand, and righting the cup. When he was sure no one was looking, he jammed the butterknife into Lexi, instinctively covering what he thought might be Lexi’s mouth in case she screamed.
“Everything good back there?” Gabe asked.
“Yes!” Grum yelled, a bit too enthusiastically. His palms were slick. Sweat was beading up on his brow. He wiggled the knife around.
The button popped out. Lexi stopped grinding. Grum filled the portafilter. Handed it to Candice.
“Getting the hang of it?” she asked.
“She doesn’t bleed,” is all Grum could think to reply.
Candice nodded. “Good for her, I guess,” she said, and walked away.
Another customer walked in. Before they had arrived at the counter, another came through the door. Behind them, another customer finished a cigarette and walked in the door while the first was ordering.
“Here we go,” Gabe said, casting Grum a sideways smile. “You ready?”
And for what might be the first time ever, Grum wasn’t sure. He just stared down at Lexi, quietly praying to the gods, praying to the goddess-machine herself, praying the stuck-button was a fluke.
“Massive French-Seed, with a toasted Kale Pocket. For Jane.”
“Grind at four,” Candice called.
Grum dumped more beans into the hopper.
“Welcome to Tarbean…”
“Double-Dripped Asphalt, slightly rich. Dan.”
He set the dial at four and jammed the button.
“Grind at eight.”
Grum dumped the grinds into the portafilter. But when he released the button, Lexi didn’t stop grinding.
“Welcome to Tarbean…”
“Frothing Fudge-Pie, with a Four-Cheese Paté with Pseudo-Grain Dip Chips.”
“Grind at two. Where’s that eight?”
Grum jabbed her button again, but she refused to turn off. Any whore in any brothel, he’d prefer that. But not here. He stabbed her with the butterknife, but couldn’t wiggle the edge between her button and side.
“Need that eight.”
He leaned in close, steaming the glass. He grabbed Lexi by her ears, pulling her face so close, the beans like brains inside her glass skull, squeezing until her glass creaked. “Work. Or I will crush you. Wear your knobs as jewelry.”
Intimidation: (Challenging)
Success!
The button popped. Lexi turned off. Adrenaline surged through Grum. Success through might and fear.
Of course.
Bonus. It was covert. Gabe hadn’t seen.
Two new people stood past the bard, bringing the total to five. Grum had to push harder. “What grinds are still needed?”
Candice had already placed the first one in the cappuccino machine and was busy making the drink. “Still need an eight and two.”
Grum set the dial to eight and held the button. When he released it, Lexi didn’t turn off.
Hmmmph.
He’d slaughtered thousands. Ravished countless women. Burned entire villages. All through strength and intimidation. Finesse? Worthless. To hell with these weak people. To hell with their machines. And to hell with finesse.
Grum strangled Lexi and growled, “Work, or I will violate your innards.”
Intimidation: Difficulty Unknown
Failed!
Lexi continued grinding.
What? He squeezed tighter, unsure. “Work… or I will… will… I’ll…”
Lexi continued to grind, chug chug chug. Mocking him.
“Still need that grind at two.”
Adrenaline roared through his veins. “Work… or…”
“Welcome to Tarbean…”
“…Work… or…”
“Petite Sideways Albino, hold the Sludge…”
His veins bulged.
“Welcome to Tarbe—”
Grum brought his hand down on Lexi.
Critical Smack! Lexi takes 76 points of crushing damage!
HP: 74/150
Additional Effect Applied.
The sound echoed like slapped leather. Lexi’s button popped out.
When Grum turned to see if Gabe had heard it, the bard was staring at him, his eyes wide, his teeth bared.
Grum slowly removed his hand from Lexi.
Gabe put his smile back on for a well-dressed man at the counter. “One moment, sir.” He stepped towards Grum. His jaw was clenched and he spoke lowly through gritted teeth. “Work the counter.”
Grum dismissed him with a wave. “I haven’t completed the counter tutori—”
“Work the fucking counter.”
Willpower Check: (Moderate)
Failed!
Grum is Intimidated
Grum froze. It seemed someone had slung him upside down, sliced his neck and emptied his blood.
“You better pray you didn’t do any real damage to her.”
Gabe went to work examining Lexi. There was a crack on her plastic base. Strangle-marks on her metal neck had dented in the shape of Grum’s hands.
“You’ve done it now,” Candice said, finishing up a drink and handing it to Grum.
Grum couldn’t reply, could only take the cup, blink, and swallow. Without knowing why, he stepped towards the counter with the drink outstretched, where a sea of people greeted him, vying for attention with fingers in the air. The mass bulged forward towards the counter, reminding him of holding back the horde of undead at Manor Deep. Except he’d been less terrified there.
He took another look at Gabe, who was leaning in, eyeing the button. Lexi’s health bar blinked.
Added Effect! Lexi takes 12 damage.
HP: 62/150
Next to it, a status effect sent Grum’s stomach into his balls. A small clock, bloody at the bottom.
Damage over Time.
“Is that mine?”
Grum looked up at the irritated woman.
“I do not know.” He looked at Lexi’s health bar. No damage ticks. Good.
“Well, does it say Jane?” She nodded towards the cup.
“Yes.”
“May I have it?”
“Yes,” Grum said, absently handing her the cup. “Exchange currency.”
“She already paid,” Gabe yelled. “Her and the next two.”
“Bye.” Grum tried to mimic Gabe’s friendliness, but even he could hear the ugly in his gruff voice. His body grew warm under the apron.
Everyone was staring.
He farted so hard it lifted the back of his fur kilt. It lasted long, like a horn signaling an approaching army. When it was finally over, Grum sighed.
The woman faked a smile and left. The next customer, a young woman held her hand over her nose. She didn’t approach the counter.
“Welcome to Tarbean,” Grum said.
“Ugh…” Candice handed Grum another drink, her face twisted. “Real nice. Hope none of that runs down your leg.”
Grum ignored her. “Dan?”
Dan stepped forward, sliding in fr
ont of the frozen young woman. He grabbed the drink, snapped a photo of Grum before leaving.
From a safe distance, the young woman finally spoke. “Um… Can I please have a Trite Hazelbean, rich. And a Micro-Carb, Breakfast Chowder.”
“Okay. Your name and title?”
“Chloe. Um… No title.”
Grum grabbed the marker. Chloe? Kuh-luh-oh-ee. “How do you spell this name?”
Candice placed another drink.
A gravely man’s voice. “Is that for me?”
Grum stared at the shaking marker in his hand. “Wait. Woman, spell Chloe for me.”
“Is that the Frothing Fudge-Pie?”
“Wait.”
“Grum,” Candice said. “Get a move on, we’re backing up.”
“Chloe? It’s C, H, L—”
“Is my Four-Cheese Paté with Pseudo-Grain Chips ready?”
Grum tried to focus on the letters, running the marker along the clear cup. He didn’t hear the rest. He scribbled C, H, L, and handed the cup off to Candice.
“We must exchange currency now.”
That voice again. “Is that mine?”
If Grum crushed the man’s jaw, the words would stop. “Wait.”
Chloe dug into her purse. There was a line of patrons now, at least ten to fifteen new faces and Grum could sense the unease as they spoke amongst themselves tapping away on their phones with distain. As they looked at him with distain, as they shuffled their feet, huffed, and moaned.
“Here,” Chloe said, extending a small flat item the size of a playing card towards him.
He took the item, though it wasn’t a playing card from the game of thieves. Instead, it had a series of numbers without pattern. It was blue. The back was adorned with a black stripe.
“I’m sorry. Which food items did you have?” He looked down at the register. Each button was labeled. Size, type, additional specialties. Grum scratched his bald head.
“I had the Trite Hazelbean with the—”
Grum held up a finger. Trite. Trite.
He found the button for Trite and pushed it awkwardly.
Candice placed a food item next to the drink. “Keep it moving.”
Again, the voice: “Look, could you just tell me if that’s mine? I need to get going.”
Trite. What was the second part? He looked up at Chloe again. “Your beverage was a Trite… what?”
“Hazelbean, and I had the Micro-Car…”
The rest was lost as he scanned the keyboard for Hazelbean, hovering his fingers over each key.
A man moved past Chloe and reached for the counter. “Pretty sure that’s min—.”
Grum lashed out, smacking the plastic cup. It flew into a merchandise rack, exploding in thick, dark liquid, spattering Grum’s face. Patrons screamed and tried to duck away, but the liquid canopied the area in sticky, hot, Fudge Pie brew.
Eli peeked out of his door. “Is everything okay?”
This quest wasn’t working. Grum would just have to just kill everyone. With any luck, they’d have enough gold to recoup his quest losses. Even if not, he’d be rid of this quest. Onto more smashy ones. “Time to kil—”
“Spilled drink. It’s no problem,” Candice said. “Could have happened to anyone. We’re good.”
“Understood. Keep up the good work.” Eli stepped back in and closed the door to his office.
Grum waited for the patrons to protest, to chase him all the way back to Algothia bearing torches and pitchforks. But, they didn’t. Most of the customers dealt with it in silence, some with hushed irritation. Besides, he was stuck. They couldn’t chase him to Algothia, even if they wanted to.
“I’ve been coming here a long time…”
“This better be free…”
“Of course, on my fucking shirt…”
They stepped away from the spills on the floor, grabbed napkins from the counter and wiped themselves. Candice had stepped forward for him. She’d spearheaded damage control. Gods willing, one day he’d be able to repay the sacrifice.
But, she didn’t seem concerned. She smiled and raised her hands. “Sorry about that. New guy.”
She peeked her head into the side room. “Helen… yeah… spill. Thanks.” Then, she grabbed a rag and went to work wiping the counter. “Grum. Go work the toaster. The food is labeled in the fridge next to it. I’ll tell you what setting.”
“But, I—”
“Go.” It wasn’t a suggestion. It was a command. Friendlier than Gabe’s but still the tone of a superior. The sound of it burrowed under Grum’s skin. “Me and Gabe will cover Lexi, the register, and make the drinks until after the rush. We’re used to being the only capable ones behind the counter.”
Once, at lower levels, Grum had a spear driven upwards into his stomach. He’d felt the tip dig under his ribs. Candice’s words were that spear, except now the shaft of the spear had broken at the head, the tip remained lodged against his lungs. Normally, when hurt he would just rage-kill everyone. Smash everything. But this pain was different. It was one bandages or health potions couldn’t mend.
Disheartened, he handed Chloe’s card to Candice and sulked to the toaster, eyeing what progress Gabe had made with the machine.
He’d gotten Lexi’s button unstuck. He clutched a balled rag stained with a dot of blood—he kept this in front of himself, out of view of the customers. Wise. Never let your foes see you bleed. The butter knife sat nearby. Gabe carefully pushed the button. Lexi came to life, grinding and churning, but unlike the smooth operation early, she vibrated on the counter, threatening to dance right off it.
“She shouldn’t do that...” And even though Gabe didn’t look at Grum, his dark tone made it obvious the barbarian was the intended audience. “What did he do to you, girl?”
Added Effect! Lexi takes 13 damage.
HP: 49/150
When would the added effect end? Grum did some finger-math. Four more ticks, maybe? Without a healer in the party, nothing could be done. Lexi might die, and none of them could stop it. He tried to focus on the current objective, how to run the toaster, hoping the DoT would wear off.
The toaster was a simple thing. Not much more than a glass-faced door which opened and contained a metal rack within. On the face of the machine were a few buttons: Temperature. Timer. Start. Cancel. Next to it, a small refrigerator and freezer which housed a stockpile of food.
Gabe had told him earlier, if the stockpiles ran low, Helen would sneak in like a ninja to restock it. Gabe was smiling then. Now, he wasn’t.
Candice had quickly sedated the crowd. It was admirable, how she’d taken control, even if doing so meant hurting Grum. He shook off how she’d spat those harsh words. Completion of the quest was more important.
The first two people who approached her ordered drinks only. Grum gnawed at his bottom lip and covertly wiped a booger on his apron. Candice stepped away from the counter and took grinds Gabe made. She worked the cappuccino machine while Gabe ground a second batch. Then, once Gabe was done, he took over, working the steam wand while Candice finished off the first drink with some syrup and served it up.
Watching the two of them, like two master swordsmen, dueling for sport, it impressed Grum.
It also made him jealous.
Worse, it made him feel weak.
Here, the two of them, low-level heroes wearing novice gear, were performing jobs with grace and speed. Grum had stumbled before getting the first swing in.
But, there was still time to turn it around.
The third order came through: A Colossal Double-Dipped and… “One order of Hashed Yams,” Candice called.
“Temperature seven, timer three,” Gabe said, working Lexi, flushing grounds and placing them on the cappuccino machine, where Candice already had two other drinks started.
Grum counted up to find seven, pressed that button, then pressed three on the timer. He opened up the fridge. Everything was ordered, stacked in columns. Veal Wrap. Pommes Purée Burrito. Hashed Yams.
The Yams were wrapped in a bit of paper. Grum took the entire item, put in the toaster and waited.
“Push start,” Candice said, startling him.
He pushed Start. The toaster glowed the same orange as the Demonfire Axe. It was a nice glow, one which reminded him of decapitations. Of sweet disembowelments. Even the smell was similar… He breathed it in deeply.
Candice’s voice broke his ecstasy: “Kale Pocket. Temp three. Timer two.”
Grum repeated to himself. Kale Pocket. Temp three. Timer two.
In the freezer the Kale Pockets were the left-most column, in their waxy paper wrappings. He pulled one out. Temp three. Timer two.
And opened the toaster door.
Temp three. Timer two.
The heat of a hundred forges covered his face, making sweat bead below his thick beard. He reached in, holding the Kale Pocket, still in its waxy paper and placed it next to the Hashed Yams. The warmth inside was like the inside of a dragon’s stomach. Grum imagined himself tearing through the belly of Esaliax with his bare hands, when his knuckles touched the metal.
Critical Hit! Grum takes 18 points of burning damage!
HP: 9981/9999
He yanked his hand out. “AAAAAAHHHHHHHGGGGGGG!” The smell of burnt flesh and hair filled the air. He clutched his hand close. The toaster had bit him. Bit him. Only a few damage, but the scorpion-sting of pain persisted. 18 hit points? Why did it hurt so bad? He surveyed the damage. Skin on his two of his knuckles was charred. Flesh was missing, probably stuck to the metal, cooking along with the Hashed Yams and Kale Pocket.
The spring door slammed shut.
Candice rolled her eyes, then turned back to taking a customer’s order while finishing up another’s drink. Gabe grinded.
Lexi screamed in agony.
