by Ane Riel
The room was simple and nice, with pale curtains and white-painted wooden walls. Maria was pleased that there was no hessian on the walls or pop-star posters on the ceiling, as there had been in the last attic room she had been put up in, when she was working behind the till at a bakery. In just a few days she had got fed up with staring up at the long-haired men on the posters, not to mention the bizarre smell that lingered in the attic room. It was very different from the smells of the bakery, and even more remote from the bookshop of her childhood. She wasn’t into hessian and beat music, and perhaps that explained why she had been attracted to life on the island.
Here someone had put a vase of autumn flowers on the desk and the bedlinen had such a wonderful scent of fresh air and spruce that she fell into a most pleasant sleep after her first day of work.
She even enjoyed the furniture. All of it was made by the old carpenter, Else Horder had told her, and Maria was genuinely impressed. Everything was neatly measured and planed and sanded, and the drawer in the small desk opened without resistance when she gently pulled it out. It was empty, and she put her pens and notebooks inside it before unpacking the rest of her luggage. She lacked for nothing in the white room, except for a bookcase for her many books, which she stacked carefully against the wall. She found space under her bed for her sewing box and rolls of fabric.
Nevertheless, Maria couldn’t help noticing that neatness wasn’t a dominant feature of the small farm. The farmhouse – with the kitchen, pantry, hallway, bathroom and big living room, as well as the master bedroom and two smaller rooms on the first floor – wasn’t exactly messy, but there were lots of things to keep track of and, not least, clean. It was obvious that Else Horder could no longer manage the task herself.
However, the barn, the workshop and the outdoor areas were in a far worse state. Things were lying about everywhere, everything from timber and furniture and old engine parts to sinks and tractor tyres and the components of a horse cart. Most of it looked as if it had been lying there for a long time and was unlikely to be of any possible use.
She had occasionally seen such places from a distance, houses surrounded by junk, and every time she had wondered: who could cope, living in a place like that?
Maria didn’t dare ask Mrs Horder why the family hadn’t got rid of these things long ago. It was a simple matter of loading it on to the pickup truck and making a few trips to the junkyard. All right, several trips. Seeing the mess bothered her because, now that she was part of the household, she felt a degree of responsibility for the place, not least towards the customers who would visit the workshop from time to time.
On the other hand, the workshop was exclusively Jens’s domain, and that was messier than anywhere else, so perhaps there was no point trying to clear anything up. In time Maria came to see that it was primarily Jens who couldn’t let go of the junk. His mother had long since given up the battle.
So, in that respect, Else Horder and Maria Svendsen were quite similar. Because Maria might also like neatness, but soon she liked Jens even more.
She was strangely drawn to him from their first meeting. They greeted one another only briefly, but she recognized his introversion and immediately felt a kind of kinship with him. A spontaneous empathy. His eyes were so dark she thought they must be black. Or was it the pupils filling them out? His hair and moustache were dark brown, his skin fine and smooth, his body slim and strong. She wanted to make him a shirt and imagined how it would fall over his shoulders and chest. Perhaps she might ask him if she could one day. Then she would have to take his measurements.
On her fifth day with them she ventured into the workshop while Else Horder was resting. The widow had told her that she was in great pain, but not where, and judging by her loud snoring, it wouldn’t appear to be something that interfered with her sleep. Maria was obviously concerned that Jens’s mother suffered such unbearable pain, yet she was already starting to find Mrs Horder’s illness somewhat baffling.
Maria had brought Jens a pot of coffee and a slice of freshly baked cake in the hope that it would be welcome. She feared being regarded as intrusive more than anything else. The door was ajar and, as she didn’t have a free hand with which to knock, she carefully pushed it open with her shoulder. He was standing by the lathe, completely absorbed in his work, and didn’t notice her. She stopped for a moment and watched him. Studied his hands. They looked more like the hands of an artist than a carpenter as he ran them over the chair leg he was turning.
The floor below him was littered with sawdust and wood shavings that looked like the curling leaves of a corkscrew willow.
Maria cleared her throat. And then she cleared it again. At long last he looked up, with a rather startled expression. She immediately regretted disturbing him. But then he smiled and beckoned her closer, and next thing he ran to the kitchen for an extra cup. She could hear his footsteps on the gravel as they jogged there and back, and her heart beat a little faster. She stood still with the tray while he pushed some stuff aside and pulled out a crate to serve as a table. Then he found another stool behind some sacks in a corner and wiped it with his sleeve. Soon they were sitting alone but comfortably amid the aroma of coffee and fresh pinewood, looking bashfully at one another as their pupils widened.
The months which followed were the happiest in Maria’s life. Jens’s mother didn’t notice anything, and they told her nothing until the day she happened to be in the barn and saw them behind the heifer, kissing.
★
Else Horder wasn’t best pleased. She told the two young people that their interest in one another would undoubtedly affect their work adversely. And she told herself that it was far too soon for her younger son to find himself a girl, although other people might think it was about time.
Maria and Jens didn’t agree with her, and Mrs Horder saw – to her dismay – that her feelings only caused Maria to work harder around the house. She left nothing for Mrs Horder to criticize. The same went for Jens. He worked all day in order to have time to hold Maria’s hand at night. They would disappear into the white room as soon as they had drunk coffee with Else in the living room after dinner and, as time passed, the cups grew smaller and smaller.
The more she saw them lose themselves in one another, the more Else’s pain increased.
She told herself that she meant well and that it was in everyone’s best interests that she started dropping small amounts of dirt on to the floor which Maria had just swept, or staining the tablecloth which Maria had just washed, and turning up her nose at the food which Maria had just cooked.
‘Jens, I think we had better find another helper. Maria has grown slovenly,’ she confided in her son one day when Maria had business on the main island. ‘I’ve already spoken to Mrs Angel. She’s a widow, very keen and very experienced.’
Mrs Angel was also obese and looked nothing like an angel. Else thought it highly unlikely that she would ever run off with her son.
Jens’s fists slammed against the table so hard that his mother’s illness temporarily worsened.
‘Hell, no. If Maria leaves, so do I,’ he thundered. Not like a child, but like the young man Maria had made him. His voice was deeper than ever.
Else was speechless while she tried to shake off the shock. The words cut her to the heart. Jens had been defiant before, especially when he lost his father – and surely that had been understandable – but he had never gone against his mother as he did now. She was horrified that he would speak like this to the woman who loved him more than anyone in the whole world; in that respect, he very much reminded her of her other son. But above all it confirmed Else’s fear that Maria had driven a wedge between her and her boy.
At that moment she heard bicycle tyres crunch against gravel. Maria was back.
‘Very well, if you feel that strongly about it …’ she said in her sweetest voice. ‘You know I only want what’s best for you, Jens. After all, we love each other so much, you and I. You would never abandon your sick mother, would you?’
However, he soon returned to the living room, and Else Horder’s heart softened at the sight of her younger son, who came back with his gentle gaze and tender nature. He was smiling in the endearing way in which only her Jens could smile. His dark eyes were shining.
‘Maria is pregnant.’ He beamed as he said it.
They were married, in love and in haste, by the mayor of Korsted. A handful of acquaintances were witnesses and congratulated the couple while secretly wondering if a new little Horder was on the way. The bride’s stomach looked a little round, didn’t it? Out of common courtesy people preferred to gossip rather than ask the couple outright. Besides, everyone was delighted for them, because there was no doubt that Jens Horder had been through some tough times, first with his father dying, then with his brother’s sudden disappearance, although he had never let on. Jens was a man of few words. He was friendly and helpful, as his father had been before him, but he never said more than the bare minimum. It made it practically impossible to have a normal conversation with him. In fact, few people had believed that he would ever find himself a girl, but then again, perhaps it was she who had found him. They considered the options. The girl was sweet and pretty, but also rather subdued. Was it ultimately his mother who had set it all up?
After the ceremony there were sandwiches at the pub. People toasted the happy couple and sang a traditional wedding song. One hour later Jens and Maria walked home with the groom’s mother when she decided that it was time for them to leave. She was in pain.
Maria continued to sleep in the white room next to the workshop, where Jens now kept his pregnant wife company in the single bed, while his mother and her pain shared the double bed in the main house.
★
In his heart of hearts, Jens wanted a boy. In her heart of hearts, Maria wanted a girl. And Else Horder, in her heart of hearts, wanted disaster to strike.
All three of them got their wish.
Maria had twins: a boy and a girl.
Jens named the babies Carl and Liv.
It wasn’t until after the children were born that Jens finally managed to get his mother to vacate the master bedroom. Moving Else into Jens’s old bedroom further down the passage proved something of a battle. It was rather small and she didn’t like the air in there, but as only the master bedroom was big enough for two adults and two cradles, she ran out of arguments.
No one mentioned that Maria had gained quite a lot of weight during her pregnancy. She appeared unable to shift the extra kilos, which made the single bed in the white room that they had shared until then feel increasingly small.
Jens had worked on the cradles in the months leading up to the birth, once it became clear that two children were on their way. He had never built a cradle before, and yet he was sure they were the most beautiful cradles in living memory. He had devoted loving attention to every detail, just like his father used to with the coffins. When the second cradle was finished Jens put his face inside it, closed his eyes and thought about the wonderful new life that would grow out of that little space.
His mother had been hard to please during Maria’s pregnancy. It was tempting to think that it was Else’s hormones – rather than Maria’s – that were raging when she screamed and shouted for a sandwich or freshly washed tea towels. Sadly, the situation only deteriorated once the babies arrived. Else spent most of her time in her new bedroom, despite its smallness, and she asked to have her meals brought up there, while complaining loudly about the menu.
And although Jens also found his mother deeply irritating, he was ultimately so grateful for his wife’s love and the two children he and his sweetheart had brought into the world that nothing could bring him down. And despite Else’s best attempts, his attention was first and foremost directed at the twins, at Maria and at the incomprehensible joy which overwhelmed him daily.
Or at least it did for a time.
One day while Maria was in the barn and Else Horder was fast asleep in her room, Jens went to check on the children. The girl was sleeping soundly. The boy was lying on the floor below his cradle. In a pool of blood.
My Granny
They never told me exactly what happened to my brother. All they said was that he had an accident when we were very young, and afterwards my granny went to live with her cousin on the mainland. The rest of us stayed and grew bigger. Especially Mum.
I didn’t learn about the business with my granny until later. And then I learned it from her. Until then I had no idea I even had a granny. But one day she turned up out of the blue and moved into the room behind the workshop and made pancakes every morning for almost a whole month. That was December.
Dad didn’t want to talk about her. He didn’t even seem to want to talk to her, and I found it all very strange. And though her pancakes were yummy and I liked hearing her stories about the mainland, I was a bit sad at how she made Dad feel. Mum didn’t like her very much either.
And it wasn’t just because she snored. And I’m telling you, she could really snore. When she had her lunchtime nap, you could hear it all the way over in the main house.
We’d been just fine until then. It wasn’t until my granny arrived that things went really wrong. I think something snapped in Dad. Especially when she said that she was going to take me with her to the mainland and send me to school over there. They didn’t know I was standing right outside the door and heard everything.
Dear Liv
Your granny took up a lot of room. Not in the same way I do; in a different way. She left when you were very little. It was a huge relief, and I hadn’t expected her ever to come back after all this time. I think you were coming up for your seventh birthday.
I had almost managed to forget about her.
When I saw her again it felt like someone was gripping my throat; as if all the air had been sucked out of my lungs. Deep down, I guess, I’d hoped she had died. Now suddenly she was standing there, smiling, looking healthier and stronger than ever.
I didn’t know what she wanted. I didn’t know if she even realized what she had done to Carl, to this family. Maybe it was her medication. She had sent some letters to your dad, but every time he burned them without reading them.
We hadn’t spoken about her since she left. Never spoken about what had happened. We had protected ourselves.
And her timing could not have been worse. I was pregnant again.
All my love,
Mum
The Return
Else Horder had understood everything immediately and felt deeply hurt when her son asked her to leave the Head.
Ordered her.
In her rage, she had initially felt that she should throw them out of the house – that it was her son who should leave. But on reflection she couldn’t make herself do it. Besides, she couldn’t bear the thought of living there all alone, without Silas, without Mogens, without Jens … with all those memories and all that pain, in almost total isolation. Her cousin on the mainland had recently been widowed and offered Else a room. Suddenly the thought of getting away from the island seemed attractive. Her way out would prove to be her salvation.
Else found it bizarre that she could have lived in the middle of God’s green earth – surrounded by forest and meadows and oceans of clean air – and yet feel as trapped as she had done recently, that she could only feel as free as a bird amidst the city’s intrusive facades, sharp corners and clouds of exhaust fumes. But it turned out to be so. In the city, she could breathe again. Even her illness changed character. The pain started to recede, the bleeding stopped, and in time she began to regard herself as being in good health.
Her cousin was a wise woman with a nursing background, and Else felt in safe hands in every possible respect. It was a relief for her to talk to an ‘outsider’. And then there was the accommodation. Else was thrilled to be mov
ing into a neat and tidy home. As time went by, she found it increasingly baffling how both her late husband and her younger son could live in the mess they had created around them.
Else had, she now admitted, suffered terribly since her husband’s accident. Ever since he had left her without warning she had clung to the sons he had given her, but they too, it seemed, were intent on leaving her. Once Jens and Maria became parents, she had been so tormented by pain and melancholy and inexplicable rage that she couldn’t stand her own company. She had deluged her daughter-in-law with unreasonable demands rather than help the new mother, and she had obstructed and scowled and snarled until she could no longer bear it.
Eventually, she had sought refuge from everything. In bed she didn’t have to deal with all the horrible feelings that took control of her when she saw how happy the young couple were. She had never felt so lonely and so surplus to requirements as when the twins arrived. And she had never hated her maternal jealousy so much. It was like a straitjacket she had put on herself and didn’t have the ability to wriggle out of. Her desire for forgiveness and love was mixed with an obsessive need to suffer the disgust she knew perfectly well that she deserved.
When they exiled her to the small bedroom where the walls came at her from all sides and, especially, the baby boy’s daily crying corroded the mortar like acid, she had drugged herself with medication and sleep in an attempt to keep her nightmares at bay. She yearned to meet her beloved Silas in the Hereafter and find peace again.
On the day of the accident she had even prayed to die quietly in her sleep. This, too, she had confided in her cousin, who had wryly remarked that sleeping quietly had never really been Else’s style.
However, there was one thing that Else never told anyone. She harboured a dreadful suspicion about the accident which she couldn’t shake off:
Maria had desperately wanted a girl. Else had read so in a notebook she found at the bottom of a drawer in her bedside table. ‘Thoughts’, it said on the cover. Now Else knew, of course, that she shouldn’t read something that was so private, but the urge to penetrate the closed world of the young couple ultimately overcame her moral scruples.
