“It’s just... I have this feeling that I’m not a good mate.”
“Why? And don’t tell me it’s because you’re not good enough, or that you’re damaged or whatever. We already had this conversation.”
Elliott shook his head, even though that was part of the reason. He didn’t want to tell Mal, though, because he knew how much it hurt Mal to hear those words. Mal had once confessed it made him feel just as damaged as Elliott when Elliot said that, because if Elliott was broken, then so was he. “I should be moving in with him, you know? But instead, I’m in a room on the other side of the house, and we haven’t even kissed yet.”
“Do you want to kiss him?”
“Of course I do.” Elliott traced the design on the comforter with his index finger. “I mean, we haven’t seen each other since we met, but he’s my mate. We need to kiss.”
“Uh, I beg to differ. You don’t need to do anything, and if he pressures you in any way, then he’s an asshole and you need to dump him, mate or no mate. You know, that’s something I don’t get with you shifters. I mean, yeah, having the perfect man sounds great, but shouldn’t you have the option to bow out of the thing if the guy is an ass?”
“Mihaja’s not an ass, and he hasn’t been pressuring me.” Elliott reached inside his shorts’ pocket and took out a note. “See? He even wrote me a note to welcome me here.”
Mal made grabby hands, but Elliott shook his head. Mal pouted.
“He just says he’s happy to have me here and that he’s sorry he has to work and that we’ll see each other tonight. Oh, and he says not to cook, that he’ll go into town to grab something.”
“Mmm, you’re right, he doesn’t sound like an ass. Hey, if you don’t want him, can I have him? I’m getting kind of old.”
Elliott flicked Mal’s ear. “No, you can’t. It’s not like any shifter can bite you and mate with you.”
“Yeah, I know, I know. Believe me.”
Elliott took Mal’s hand and squeezed it. “You’ll see, you’ll find a mate. I can feel it.”
“Maybe I should stick you out in front of the house and have you read tarot or something. We could make some money out of it.”
Elliott laughed. “Shut up.”
“You just said you can feel I have a shifter mate somewhere out there. If that’s not premonition, I don’t know what is.”
“You have to have one. I won’t allow otherwise.”
Mal sobered. “I know. I want one, too, and not only because it would mean I could live as long as my two best friends.”
Elliott could hear the words Mal wasn’t saying. For all he said he didn’t understand the appeal of mates, he knew a mate would never hurt him. Yes, it did happen, but it was very rare. Mates could feel each other’s pain, and most people didn’t enjoy it.
“I tell you, I have a feeling you have a mate out there. I guess we should go out more if we want to find the guy, though. I doubt he’s going to fall in your lap.”
“You never know. Anyway, back to your mate problems. So you want to kiss him, or you think you have to want it?”
Elliott sucked on his lower lip and thought about it. “Well, I know I should want it. He’s my mate.” Mal stayed silent, and Elliott was glad for the time to think. “But I also want to. I mean, I’ve never really kissed anyone I cared for. In the beginning, there was Erskine, and yeah, I did sneak around with a few guys from the pack, but they were convenient, you know? We weren’t in love or anything. Then in the lab... well. And after, it was even worse, and I haven’t been able to even get close to people since then.”
“But you want to.”
“Yeah. I’m almost twenty-five, and yeah, it’s not that old in shifter years, but still. I want someone special in my life, someone to laugh with me, and hold me when I have a nightmare, stuff like that. Don’t get me wrong, I love you, and I’m happy we’ll live together from now on, but it’s not the same.”
Mal cocked his head. “You know, we never tried anything. I’m one of the few guys you let this close, so maybe we should have.”
Elliott looked at Mal and tried to imagine them kissing, or having sex. Mal arched a brow, and they both started laughing. “Yeah, no. No offense, but I don’t see you like that.”
Mal shook his head. “None taken. It would be like making out with my brother, and that’s just yucky.”
“I agree.”
“So, back to your guy. You want to be with him, but what? You’re scared you’ll freak out?”
“Yeah.”
“I saw you two hold hands and you didn’t run.”
“But he made sure to keep some distance. The most we did was holding hands, and I want more.” Elliott was surprised he really did want more. Until now, it had been just an idea, a wish, but now that Mihaja was there, it was more real. Elliott could have it if he wanted to, and he did, but he wasn’t sure he wouldn’t freak out.
“Look, I don’t know Mihaja yet, but he seems like a good guy. He could have pushed to at least kiss you the other day, but he didn’t, and like you said, he made sure to respect your space. Talk to him. Tell him what happened to you and what you want from him. I’m sure you guys will be fine.”
Elliott hoped Mal was right, because he didn’t want to saddle Mihaja with a mate who couldn’t even bear being touched. If it came to that, if Elliott couldn’t let Mihaja in, then he’d free him. Mihaja might not be able to find himself another mate, but maybe he didn’t need to. The only thing Mihaja needed to find someone else was love, and Elliott knew Mihaja would find it, even if it wasn’t with him.
* * * *
Mihaja was about to turn his computer off and leave Kameron’s house to go home when Gentry knocked on the door of what was now Mihaja’s office. “Yes?”
“So they adapted a bedroom for your office too, huh? If they continue, they won’t have any left for the pack members.”
“They assured me it wasn’t a problem,” Mihaja said, frowning at the idea.
“Oh, I didn’t mean it was.” Gentry sat in front of Mihaja’s desk. “To be honest, the house has been fairly empty since the Glass Research Company was shut down. I guess Kameron and Zach don’t need this much space anymore. It makes sense for them to have us close and where everyone will know they can find us.”
Mihaja wasn’t sure what to say, but his gaze drifted down Gentry’s face and he noticed the twin bites on his neck. He could see a third bite, mostly faded but still obvious, and he remembered Gentry had already been mated. He gestured toward his own neck. “So, it worked?”
Gentry blushed. “Yes, it did. I don’t know how to thank you.”
“You don’t have to. I didn’t do anything.”
“You did. I wouldn’t be mated with Nick and Arlen if you hadn’t.”
“Just because you didn’t know it was possible.”
“I’m still not sure how it is possible, to be honest.”
“I don’t have an explanation for you, but from what I saw growing up, could it be because the bond can feel the love you share and included you?”
Gentry tapped a finger on his chin. “That would mean the bond is sentient, though.”
“Not really. I mean, just like the bond can feel when your mate is close, it could be able to feel love, or at least our animal part could be able to.”
“But wouldn’t it work for anyone, then, mates or not mates?”
“No, not if it needs a mate bond to start with. Nick and Arlen share the bond, but they also both love you, so you found yourself included in the bond.”
Gentry smiled. “I think this is something we might never get a clear explanation for.”
“We don’t have one for the mate bond either. Why is that one person supposedly perfect for us? How can we feel drawn to them when we don’t even know them?” Mihaja shrugged. “I gave up trying to find answers long ago. I don’t need them to be happy.”
He put his bag on his desk and slipped his phone in it. Gen
try looked at it. “You’re going home?”
“Yes, after I go into town to get something to eat.”
“Are Mal and Elliott already living with you?”
“They were supposed to move in today, but I don’t know if they did yet.”
“Do you mind if I come with you? I’m sure Arlen wouldn’t mind a break from cooking.”
Mihaja got up. “You’re welcome to come. I’m sure you have better things to do with your mates than cooking.”
Gentry blushed again, as if the only mention of mates made him incredibly happy. It probably did. Mihaja knew he was happier than he’d been before, and it was only because he’d found Elliott. They hadn’t done anything more than holding hands yet, but Elliott already felt like an important part in Mihaja’s’ life.
They both decided on Chinese. They stayed silent most of the ride to town, exchanging only small talk. Mihaja could feel Gentry wanted to talk to him, but he didn’t ask.
Gentry waited until they were back in pack territory to get to the point finally. “I don’t know if you’re aware of what happened to Elliott.”
“I know he’s been raped.”
“Oh?”
“He told me before we even realized we were mates.”
“Oh.”
Mihaja looked at Gentry. “I don’t think I understand your ohs.”
Gentry waved. “Sorry. I’m just a bit surprised. Everyone in the pack knows what happened to Elliott, or at least they know parts of it, but I don’t think he ever told anyone but Mal. Not that he sees a lot of people apart from his family and Mal, but still.”
“I hope it’s a good thing.”
“It is. It looks like he’s comfortable enough with you, and the fact that he was able to spend time with you without getting scared is also a very good thing.”
“It’s because we’re mates.”
“Probably, yes.”
“Are you going to warn me to stay away from him, or to hurt me if I hurt him? Because his mother already said that, so you don’t have to.”
Gentry laughed. “No. I wouldn’t dream of telling you to stay away from him. I’m not his father. As for the hurting thing, well, I think it’s obvious you are going to hurt him sometimes. We all hurt our loved ones, even if we don’t mean to. I just wanted to warn you that you’ll need to go slow. I’ll talk to Elliott the next time we have an appointment, but please, don’t try to rush him.”
“I wasn’t planning to.”
“Great. Oh, you don’t need to take me home. I’ll walk from yours.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. It’s not that long of a walk and it would be stupid to have you drive back and forth.”
They fell silent again after that. Gentry’s words turned in Mihaja’s mind. He wondered what else had happened to Elliott. What could be worse than being raped? Mihaja could think of plenty of things, but he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to imagine Elliott going through any of those things.
Mihaja’s house came into view and he immediately noticed the lights on in the kitchen and the living room. “They really moved in.”
“You had doubts they would?” Gentry asked.
“I’m not sure. Mal looked convinced, but Elliott...”
“Believe me, he’s convinced. You’re good for him.”
“He’d decided to move out before meeting me.”
“Yes, but I’m sure you gave him that extra reason he needed.”
Mihaja didn’t think Gentry was right, but he didn’t insist. They got out of the car and climbed the porch steps. Mihaja pushed open the front door and walked in. He could hear Elliott and Mal moving around in the kitchen and singing their hearts out. He smiled and looked at Gentry, who was blinking in surprise.
“I can’t say I ever heard Elliott sound so... happy,” Gentry said.
“Aren’t you going home?”
Gentry arched a brow. “Are you throwing me out?”
“No, no. But your food is going to get cold.”
Gentry waved Mihaja’s words away. “It’ll be fine. I just want to check on Elliott.”
Mihaja nodded and put his work bag down, then took his shoes off. He headed to the kitchen, pausing at the door when he got there. Mal was shaking his ass at the stove as he mixed whatever was in the bowl in front of him. Elliott was cutting something red, pausing every so often to use his knife as a mike.
The song came to its chorus and Mal moved away from the stove and toward Elliott, dancing around on his bare feet. When the singer hit the chorus, Mal and Elliott leaned toward each other and both sang into Elliott’s knife, their eyes closed.
Gentry snorted behind Mihaja, but the two singing men didn’t even hear him. Mihaja leaned backward. “What should we do?”
“I think the song is almost over, so maybe we should wait until Elliott puts the knife down to make ourselves known. I wouldn’t want to startle him.”
Mihaja nodded and watched Elliott singing and dancing until the song came to an end. Both he and Mal were breathing hard when it stopped, and Gentry clapped his hands before the next one could start.
Mal and Elliott jumped and twirled to look at Mihaja and Gentry. Elliott blushed a pretty shade of pink while Mal laughed and turned his MP3 player off. “Have you two been standing there long?”
“Long enough to know your voices are pretty good,” Gentry said.
Mihaja entered the room and put the bag full of food on the table, then retreated closer to the wall. Gentry patted his shoulder as he passed by him, and Elliott and Mal both walked closer to him. Mal even extended a hand to skim over one of Gentry’s bite marks. “Arlen called and told me about it. I’m happy for the three of you.”
Gentry nodded. “Thank you. I’m here just to remind Elliott we have an appointment tomorrow.”
“I’ll be there,” Elliott answered. Mihaja had noticed him looking his way a few times and he wondered what was happening. Was Elliott scared? Had he come too close?
“Perfect. I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”
Gentry headed to the door, but Mal stopped him. “Wait, I’ll walk you out.”
“Oh, you don’t need to.”
“Yeah, I do,” Mal said, tilting his head toward Elliott and widening his eyes at Gentry. Gentry looked perplexed for a few seconds, then his eyes widened. “Oh, sure, walk me out, please. Mihaja, Elliott, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
The two hurried outside, leaving Mihaja and Elliott alone.
Elliott chuckled. “You know they totally did that on purpose, right?”
“They weren’t very subtle.”
“Yeah, well, Mal and subtle don’t go together.”
They were silent for a little while, but Mihaja felt the need to talk. “So, why did Mal think leaving us alone would be a good thing?”
* * * *
Elliott cleared his throat. “Well, he’s been trying to convince me to give you a chance.”
Mihaja frowned. “I thought I already had one. Or did I understand that wrong? I thought you wanted us to give it a try, but if you don’t...”
“No, no, that’s not what I meant.” Elliott swallowed. Shit, he hadn’t been so nervous when they’d met, so why was he now? “It’s just that Mal and I talked, and I told him me and you haven’t even kissed yet, and he suggested I should trust you and give it a try.”
Mihaja stayed silent and Elliott had to look at him. He needed to know what his reaction was, because he didn’t think he could handle a rejection, and how weird was that? He’d been fine on his own ever since Jonah had rescued him like a damsel in distress, yet a few days after meeting Mihaja he already couldn’t bear the thought of Mihaja not wanting him.
“We don’t have to do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing, Elliott. I thought I’d made that clear the other day.”
Elliott nodded. “I know. I want to do it. I mean, I want to kiss you. I’m just not sure I can.” He looked down at his hands and tried to
relax them. He hadn’t even noticed he’d bunched them into tight fists. “I haven’t been... intimate with anyone in years, not even a kiss. I miss it. Well, not that I had a lot of experience to begin with, but I still miss it, more than the sex. I want it. I’m just not sure my mind will allow me to do it.”
Mihaja hummed, the sound oddly reassuring. “I know you probably didn’t tell me everything that happened to you, and I won’t push you to find out. I’ll also do whatever I need to do to make sure you feel comfortable with me.”
“So... does that mean you want to kiss me?” Elliott’s heart beat fast, like it wanted to jump out of his chest. Mihaja’s answer mattered more than anything else in that moment, and Elliott held his breath.
“I do. Not only are you my mate, but you’re also a very handsome man. I would be a fool not to want to kiss you.”
Elliott took a step closer to Mihaja, but the front door slammed and he jumped backward. His heart was racing, and he didn’t know whether it was in fear or in excitement. He wanted it to be excitement, but he wasn’t sure.
“I’m coming back!” Mal yelled from the hallway. He exaggerated the heaviness of his footsteps as he came back to the kitchen, making Elliott smile. He didn’t know what he would have done without Mal. He’d probably still be locked in his bedroom in his parents’ house, hiding in fear and shame. Mal had coaxed him out, sometimes none too gently, and Elliott hadn’t realized he needed exactly that until Mal gave it to him.
Mal walked in and looked from Elliott to Mihaja, his eyes narrowed. “You don’t look like you just made out.”
Elliott groaned. “Mal, seriously?”
“What? I made sure to lose time out there, even after Gentry left. The least you could have done was make out. I need you to if I want to live vicariously through you, man.”
“Or you could find yourself a new boyfriend.”
Mal’s smile dimmed and Elliott regretted his words. “Yeah, I don’t think so, not while my crazy ex from hell is still around.”
Elliott walked over to his best friend and hugged him. “Maybe he left, Mal. When was the last time you heard from him?”
“A few weeks, but you know that doesn’t mean anything. I’m sure he’ll pop up when I least expect him to. He’s probably waiting for me to think he finally left.”
Elliott Page 5
