Elliott wanted to give in, so he raised his arm and held his hand out. It took him a few moments, but Mihaja clasped Elliott’s offered hand and gently tugged him forward. Elliott went, opening his eyes again. Mihaja slid to one side of the bed, leaving the other side empty for Elliott.
Elliott was conflicted. He hated the way Mihaja had to be careful to leave space between them, and he hated the way his heart was beating hard even more. His palms were sweaty and his mouth dry, but instead of pulling away and leaving the room like his instincts were telling him, he tightened his hold on Mihaja’s hand and climbed onto the bed.
It felt like a huge step, and Mihaja’s smile was a reward Elliott would never have thought would be enough, but it was. He leaned back against the headboard, wondering if he would be able to slide closer to Mihaja, and decided to wait a bit before trying.
Mihaja put their linked hands on his lap and stroked Elliott’s knuckles with his thumb. “How are you feeling?”
“Honestly?”
“I want you to always be honest with me, Elliott.”
“Don’t you already know how I feel? That’s what the bond is for.”
“I want to hear it from you. I may be able to feel what you’re feeling, but it doesn’t tell me why you’re feeling it.”
“I’m scared. I know I shouldn’t be because I can feel you’re not going to hurt me, but it’s not helping as much as I’d like it to.”
“But you’re working on it. I don’t think you’d have sat so close to a man you barely know a week ago.”
“I don’t know.”
“You’re trying, Elliott, and that’s what counts. I don’t know much about your life this past year, but I’ve had the occasion to talk to some people and I know you haven’t been seen often outside your house.”
“You talked with Mal, huh?”
Mihaja laughed, the sound somehow soothing. Elliott’s fear lessened, even though it didn’t completely disappear. “With Mal and other people who consider themselves your friend. You have more of them than you seem to think.”
“I thought they’d have had enough of me isolating myself and given up.”
“No, they’re just giving you the space you need.”
Elliott shook his head. “I haven’t talked to some of them in a year. Why would they still be my friends?”
“Because most of them understand what you’ve been through, and even if they don’t, they do understand you need time to heal.”
“I’m not sure I know how to do that.”
“You are doing it. It took you a year, but you’re not a victim anymore. You’re starting to live again. You’re a survivor.”
Mihaja’s words hit Elliott hard. He hadn’t realized that was what he was doing when he’d decided to move out with Mal, or when he’d accepted mating with Mihaja. Even now, just holding his mate’s hand, he was living more than he’d allowed himself to in the past year. Maybe Mihaja was right, maybe Elliott really was starting to get better, even though it didn’t feel like it just yet. “Maybe I am,” he whispered.
And since he was a survivor, since it was time he started to live his life instead of letting it go past him, he turned slightly and leaned forward. Mihaja’s eyes widened, but he seemed to realize he couldn’t move, not if he didn’t want to spook Elliott. While Elliott hated it, he was grateful Mihaja understood.
He pressed their lips together. Mihaja’s eyes slid close, but Elliott kept his open, just in case. He hated not trusting Mihaja, but he couldn’t do anything to change that at the moment. He licked Mihaja’s lips, and Mihaja opened his mouth for him.
It was the first time Elliott had kissed anyone in years, and it felt like heaven, if not a little clumsy. Mihaja sat frozen, moving only his lips. Elliott wanted more. He wanted arms around his waist, pulling him close. He wanted hands on his skin, making him moan.
But it was too soon, and they both knew it. It didn’t stop Elliott from pressing closer, though.
* * * *
Mihaja couldn’t believe it. The last thing he’d expected was for Elliott to take the lead, to initiate any type of contact between them, yet he’d just done exactly that.
Mihaja didn’t know what to think of it, and the way Elliott pressed against him was making it even harder to think. He could feel Elliott really wanted this, but would his body follow his lead, or would it react on instinct?
Mihaja didn’t care if Elliott sprang away from him, but he didn’t want to scare his mate. That was why he was just sitting there, motionless, waiting for Elliott to do something—what, Mihaja didn’t know. He had no idea how to react, and he could feel Elliott becoming impatient.
Elliott growled. “You’re supposed to kiss me back.”
“I know. I don’t want to scare you.”
Elliott sighed and leaned away. “I know.” He sat back on his side of the bed, and Mihaja felt angry with himself. He couldn’t know when Elliott would feel comfortable enough to kiss him again, and he’d just wasted an opportunity.
“I’m sorry. Can we try that again?”
Elliott laughed, which was more than Mihaja had expected. He took a few seconds to examine their bond and the emotions coming through it. He couldn’t feel any fear, so at least something was right, but it didn’t mean Elliott wouldn’t get scared while they kissed—if they actually kissed again.
“Yeah, we can. It just didn’t look like you were into it.”
Mihaja shook his head. “Not into it? Are you crazy?”
Elliott ducked his head, but Mihaja saw the smile on his face before he did. “Well, you didn’t react, so...”
“That was just because I didn’t want to scare you. How could I not want to kiss you? You’re my mate, you’re gorgeous, sweet, strong—”
“How can you say I’m strong after what happened to me? I’d have been able to stop him from doing anything to me if I were strong.”
Mihaja hadn’t intended to talk about this again, but it didn’t matter. He took one of Elliott’s hands in his, pleased when Elliott didn’t try to pull it back. “I already said it, but I’ll say it again, until you finally believe me. You weren’t at fault for what happened to you. Someone who should have protected you sold you, and you did your best to survive. What else could you have done? How could you have defended yourself?”
“I could have found a way if I’d looked harder.”
Gosh, Mihaja was going to talk to Kameron, because someone had obviously talked to Elliott, and it couldn’t be a one-time thing. The thoughts were engrained in Elliott’s mind, and it made his recovery so much harder.
Mihaja moved slowly. He kneeled in front of Elliott, always keeping an eye focused on him so he’d know he wasn’t scaring him. More than scared, Elliot looked sad and stubborn. Mihaja moved his hands onto Elliott’s knees and Elliott pressed his back against the headboard, but he didn’t move away.
“Look at me, Elliott. There’s nothing you could have done. Have you forgotten I was in a lab for a time? I know what they did to you, maybe not in detail, but I do, and I can’t imagine that what happened after they sold you was easier. You were probably underfed, maybe drugged. I’m sure you were physically weak and bound. What could you have done?”
Elliott shook his head. “I don’t know.”
“I know you won’t get over this easily. I don’t expect you to, and I’ll give you all the time you need. I won’t push for anything more than what you want to give me, but I think you should forgive yourself if you really want to get over it. You need to forgive yourself because you did nothing wrong. I can’t force you to believe that, but I hope in time you’ll trust me enough to know I’d never lie to you on something like this.”
Elliott cocked his head. “So does it mean you’d lie to me on other things?”
Mihaja didn’t know whether the way Elliott went from one topic to another was due to the trauma or just a quirky part of his personality. He didn’t mind it, but sometimes it made it h
ard to follow. “It depends.”
“On what?”
Mihaja felt amusement coming from Elliott, so he knew Elliott was really just playing around. “Well, if you buy some new clothes and they look terrible on you but you really like them. I’d probably tell you you’re beautiful.”
“Even if I look like a walking eggplant?”
Mihaja cocked his head. “Why an eggplant?”
“Ah, that’s because once I bought a purple T-shirt and I thought it would be a good idea to pair it with a purple pair of jeans. In my defense, I was thirteen.”
Mihaja pressed his lips together in an effort to avoid laughing. “Eggplant.”
“Yup.”
“Did someone tell you you shouldn’t have paired those two garments?”
“Yeah, my friend Zane did.”
“And how did you take it?”
“Not well, but I couldn’t be angry with him for telling me. He was too cute. Still is, from what I know.”
“Should I be jealous?” Damn, it was good to hear Elliott banter like that. The heaviness of their previous conversation was all but gone, and Elliott was relaxed against the headboard. He didn’t seem to mind Mihaja’s hands on him, not even when Mihaja slid them onto his thighs to see what would happen.
Elliott looked at Mihaja’s hands, then up at his face, and arched a brow. Mihaja shrugged and Elliott grinned. “Nah, don’t be jealous. Apart from the fact that I haven’t talked to him in years, he was just a friend. He’s sweet, and yeah, he was seriously cute back then, but I never had the hots for him or anything.”
“And who did you have the hots for, mmm?”
Elliott’s eyes sparkled when he answered. “Personally, I like men taller than me but not by much, with dark skin and dark eyes.”
“Oh, you do?”
Elliott hesitated and Mihaja waited. Elliott opened his arms in a clear invitation. Mihaja’s first reaction was to ask if Elliott was sure, but he’d obviously thought about it, and Mihaja didn’t want Elliott to think he didn’t trust his decisions.
He moved slowly, just in case, and leaned forward. It took them a bit of maneuvering, but they finally settled with Mihaja’s cheek on Elliott chest and his arms around Elliott’s waist. His legs were over one of Elliott’s since he was leaning sideways against Elliott’s body. Elliott pressed his chin on Mihaja’s head, and Mihaja felt him relax. Elliott sighed and slipped a finger under the elastic of Mihaja’s shorts. It was just the tip, and he didn’t do anything but stroke Mihaja’s skin, but it was enough for Mihaja to get hard again.
He’d sworn he could go without sex, and he would, even if it killed him, but it wasn’t easy, especially now that they were mated. At least Elliott couldn’t feel Mihaja’s cock harden, since they weren’t touching there, but Mihaja could tell he didn’t miss the shudder that passed through Mihaja’s body.
“You okay?” Elliott asked.
Mihaja nodded, his light stubble rasping on Elliott’s skin. “Yeah.”
“You sure? I can feel you’re uneasy.”
“Not uneasy, really. I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“You’re not.”
“Not right now, no.”
“Ahhh, you’re talking about your hard-on.”
Mihaja sputtered. “I thought I was hiding it well.”
“You are, but don’t forget I can sense your arousal.”
“Right. I hope you know I won’t do anything about it. I can’t... stop my body’s reaction to you, but I won’t force myself on you.”
Elliott cupped Mihaja’s cheek and tilted his head. Mihaja let him do it without protesting, and when Elliott kissed him, this time he kissed back, putting as many feelings as he could into the kiss. He knew Elliott could feel what he felt, even though he couldn’t understand why he felt it, and he hoped coupled with the kiss, that would be enough.
“I know,” Elliott said when the kiss ended. “I know you’re patient, and I’m grateful for that. I think sometimes you’re going to be more patient than me, so thank you. I’ll do my best to heal and to give you the relationship you deserve.”
“I don’t care about that, Elliott I just want you to get better, for you, not for me.”
“With your help, I’m sure I will.”
Chapter Five
Elliott’s palms were sweaty and his heart was beating too fast. He was terrified, but he needed to do this. He wanted to do it, because Mihaja was right—the only way to stop being a victim and to become a survivor was to start living again.
Elliott had been doing well, what with moving in with Mal and mating with Mihaja a week before, but he knew it had only been a baby step. He needed to take more steps, and the next one was to go see his friends, the wolves who’d been sold with him and who had become his family for those short months they’d been locked together.
He had wanted to see Simon, Merle, and Jonah all at once, but Mihaja had managed to convince him it would be better to see only one or two of them. Besides, Jonah didn’t live with the pack anymore, so it would be easier to see him when he had the time to come to Gillham. Elliott didn’t think he’d be able to go over to Whitedell, not for another while at least. Too many people he didn’t know. He was scared of people he did know, so he was pretty sure he’d run away screaming his head off if he stepped into the mansion.
“You can change your mind and decide to come back another day, you know?”
Elliott looked at Mihaja. “I know, but you know as well as I do that I could postpone this forever. I don’t think I’ll ever feel ready.”
Mihaja nodded once and offered Elliott his hand. He was still wary of the way he moved around Elliott, and Elliott could tell even without trying to read Mihaja’s feelings. Elliott hated it, but it was necessary. Just the other night he’d had a flashback while they were kissing—okay, it had been a little more than kissing. Elliott had been completely into it, and he’d started to explore Mihaja’s body over his clothes, but something, he didn’t even know what, had triggered a memory of him.
Mihaja had been very understanding, even though Elliott had pushed him away and onto the floor beside the bed. Mihaja had stayed away for the first few seconds, then, once Elliott had calmed down enough to realize where he was and who he was with, he’d climbed back on the bed and held Elliott as he cried.
“I’m sick of this,” Elliott said. “I want to be normal again.”
“You are normal, Elliott.”
Elliott snorted, but he didn’t answer. They went through this conversation at least once a day, and he was sick of that too. He raised his hand and knocked on the door in front of him in a hurry, before he could change his mind. His heart felt like it might beat out of his chest and he was a little breathless.
He grabbed Mihaja’s hand when he heard footsteps coming from inside the house and squeezed. He realized he’d squeezed too hard only when a flash of pain came through the bond, but it was too late to do anything but loosen his hold.
The door opened, and Zach looked at them, a brow arched. “Why are you knocking?”
God bless the man, he didn’t make a fuss about Elliott being out and about. “Umm, I needed to do it. Couldn’t go in just like that,” Elliott told him. “I need to be sure of who’s inside before I come in.”
Damn, Elliott felt like an idiot. He shouldn’t have cared about who was inside, but he also didn’t want to scare Merle and his mate. It was already going to be hard enough to see them, since Elliott didn’t know Nootaw.
Zach nodded. “Just Nootaw, Merle, Aranck, and me. Kam is out right now, talking to some of our neighbors.”
“When should he be back?”
“A few hours.”
Elliott honestly wasn’t sure how he’d react to Kameron’s presence. He knew Kameron would never hurt him. He was a good alpha, and a good man. It didn’t mean Elliott’s subconscious was convinced Kam was safe, though. He was still a man, and a big one at that.
&nbs
p; “Could you ask Merle if he wants to see us?” Mihaja asked.
Elliott realized he had been silent for too long, long enough to make things uncomfortable. He blushed, not that neither Zach nor Mihaja said anything about it.
“Sure. I don’t think they’ll have a problem seeing you, but you might find yourself babysitting Aranck.”
Elliott’s eyes went wide. “Uh, no? I’m not sure I can babysit anyone. I’m not sure it’s a good idea. I could freak out, and—”
“I was joking, Elliott. It’s not like they’re going to plop the kid in your lap and run away.”
Elliott blushed again and Zach walked back inside the house. He left the door open in invitation, but Elliott couldn’t bring himself to step in. He’d been inside the alpha’s house only a few times since he’d been rescued by Jonah. Kameron had wanted to talk to him then, and Elliott had insisted not to do it at his home. He’d thought it was a good idea, but it had just reinforced how fucked up he’d been back then. He’d freaked out as soon as he’d realized how many people lived in the house, and his dad had had to take him home right away.
Zach reappeared, and Elliott swallowed when he saw Merle was right behind him. He looked surprised, and Elliott hoped it was a good kind of surprised. Zach stopped next to the living room door, but Merle didn’t. He stopped only when he was right in front of Elliott. He didn’t reach for Elliott, didn’t try to touch him, even though it was obvious he wanted to. “Elliott?”
“Uh, hey. Long time no see, huh?”
Elliott cringed at his words, but Merle chuckled. “You can say that. Zach said you wanted to see me?”
“Yeah. I guess it’s time I come back, really come back, and you know. To do that I need to talk to my friends again.”
Merle’s gaze flitted to Mihaja, then back at Elliott. “It’s been a while, you’re right. Is Mihaja your mate?”
Elliott frowned. “You know Mihaja?”
Elliott Page 8
