by J. A. Little
* * *
With the kids all out of school, my life suddenly becomes much more chaotic. The morning after graduation isn’t bad. They all sleep in until after ten, but when they wake up, the increased noise level makes my splitting headache ten times worse. I have a feeling this is going to be a really shitty day.
I try to help Logan and Brayden start packing up, but they’re far more interested in fucking around. When they both get sucked into an old nudie mag Brayden finds underneath a stack of books in his closet, I decide to let them do it themselves.
Just after lunch, Aiden gives me a break and takes the boys to the skate park while I try to take a nap. It doesn’t happen. I can hear the fucking phone ringing in my office every five minutes. I finally give up, get up, and answer it.
“This is Dean.”
“Hey.”
Goddammit. I should have just ignored it. “What do you want, Steph?”
“I need help. The pipes are all backed up and this place smells fucking disgusting. I tried covering it with those air freshener things, but it isn’t working, and my worker is coming today.” So, she’s obviously living in the apartment.
“What?”
“The pipes, Dean. The garbage disposal isn’t working and the sink is, like, overflowing. And the toilet won’t flush, either.”
“What did you try flushing down it?”
I can hear her scoff. “Nothing, you dick. I’m still clean. I don’t know what happened.”
“Call the super. That’s his job.”
“I did. But he told me I’d have to blow him before he’d do anything. Considering I’m trying hard as fuck to get out of that line of work, I thought I’d ask you first.” I growl. This is just my fucking luck. I just decide to stop focusing on helping her and then she calls me up out of the blue needing help.
“Come on, Dean. Please? She’s supposed to be here in an hour. I swore to her this wasn’t a complete shithole, but with that smell… I’m fucking desperate here.”
I let out a huge breath and think about my conversation with Colin. I know I’m not going to be able to save her. But maybe this is my chance to finally end it.
“I’ll be there in twenty.”
“Thank you.”
I hang up, grab my keys, wallet, and sunglasses, and lock my office door behind me. Before leaving, I pick up Bill’s tool bag.
“Where are you going?” Emily asks.
“To my apartment.”
“I thought you gave it up.”
“I did.”
“So why…?”
“I gave it to Stephanie.”
Emily stares at me for a second before her mouth drops open. “Oh my God. Are you kidding me?”
I shake my head. “I wish I were.”
“When? Why?”
I sigh heavily. “It’s a long story. I don’t have time right now.”
“Does Kayla know?”
“No, not yet, but she will.”
“Does Aiden?”
I shake my head. “No one knows. It was a spur of the moment thing. I haven’t been there since she moved in.”
“Then why are you going now?”
“For closure.”
“That is so fucked up, Dean,” she says, her eyes wide and disapproving.
“I know, okay?” I snap. “I know. I’m dealing with it tonight.”
Emily presses her lips together and nods.
When I get to the apartment building, I make a quick stop by the super’s place. I have a few stern words with him about his proposition to Steph before heading upstairs. Regardless of the fact that I’m about to walk away from her, that shit he tried to pull is not okay. I get to the apartment and Steph opens the door for me. I scan over her. She’s wearing a pair of cutoffs and a dirty sweatshirt. Her feet are bare and look clean. That’s a good sign. When she was doing heroin, she used to shoot up in-between her toes. Her face is heavily made up, but her eyes are still clear.
“Are you done examining me?” she snaps. I’m about to open my mouth to say something back when I inhale.
“Oh, shit!” I groan. She’s right, the place fucking reeks.
“Yeah, exactly. I’ve got all the windows open, but it’s not helping. Make it go away.”
I roll my eyes and set to work. It only takes me a few minutes to figure it out. It’s actually two separate issues. The toilet is an easy fix. The float is stuck, making the toilet run and not flush. The sink is a much more difficult problem. A fuse for the disposal has shorted out, and I need to rewire it. It’s happened before, so I know how to do it, but it’s going to take a good half hour and we’re quickly approaching the time when Steph’s social worker is supposed to be here.
I run downstairs and ask Rubin to turn off the electricity in the apartment so I don’t electrocute the shit out of myself. When I finish, I cross my fingers and hope it works. It does and all the nasty shit in the sink flows down easily. When I start packing up, Stephanie is shifting.
“Just spit it out,” I mutter.
“I need to talk to you.”
“About what?”
“About us.”
I can’t help it, I laugh. “There is no us.”
“There will always be an us, Dean,” she mocks. “We were married for almost four years.
“I was married. You were—”
“Oh my God, really? You’re really gonna fucking go there?”
“Hey, you’re the one who brought it up.”
“And I brought it up for a reason. Now shut the fuck up and let me talk. Here.” She hands me a stack full of papers. “I’m still clean.”
I hand them back to her without looking at them. “Okay. Great.”
“I’ve seen the kids, too,” she continues. “They want to come home. I told them I got a new place that’s clean.”
I look around. The apartment is not clean, which gives me an indication of what kind of place they were living in before. Steph must read my expression.
“Go ahead and judge, rich boy. You don’t know what’s it’s like.”
“I do know, Steph. I was there with you, remember?”
“Yeah, but you didn’t have to be,” she bites back. “You knew at any point you could go home and live in your parents’ fancy house and eat whatever the hell you wanted. I never had that choice. It was sell myself or starve.”
“And the drugs?”
“I didn’t want to feel anything!”
“You’re so full of shit. You had me! I gave up everything to be with you, to take care of you. I was your husband and you fucked me over like I was just some stupid john.” Her jaw clenches, her gaze shifting to the side. “Or maybe that’s exactly what I was.”
I know she used me. I know she manipulated me, but I never considered that she put me in that category. At some point in my life, this realization probably would have hurt. It would have pissed me off. But now, it doesn’t. I feel…relieved, like a huge fucking weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I thought I knew what I was going to say—essentially repeat the shit Colin and I talked about. But I don’t feel the need to say it anymore. I chuckle and turn to leave.
“Dean.”
“What?” I sigh.
“I’m sorry. I don’t want to fight. I’m supposed to make amends.”
“Amends?”
“Yeah, it’s part of the process. I’m supposed to make amends with the people my addiction has hurt.” She shrugs. “Other than the kids, you’re the only one left alive.”
“Okay. You’ve made them.” I take a few steps toward the door.
“You’re leaving?”
“Look, Steph,” I say clearly. “I’ve done everything I can for you. I told Rubin that if he solicits you again, he’ll have the cops raiding this place faster than you can say ‘5-0,’ so he shouldn’t give you any more trouble. If he does, call your worker. You have Social Services working with you. Do what they say, stay sober, find a real fucking job, and you’ll be fine.”
“You’re
not coming back, are you?”
I shake my head. “No. I’ve got my own life to live. I can’t save you.”
“You never could,” she says quietly. Her voice isn’t angry or accusatory, just matter-of-fact. I open the door to the apartment.
“Good luck, Stephanie.” I’m about to leave when she grabs my wrist and pulls me back.
“Just so you know, you weren’t just a john. I did love you, just not the way you needed me to.” She reaches up and puts her hand on my cheek before stepping back into her apartment.
And then I walk away.
Pulling up to Wyatt House, I see Simon’s car parked out front. The only good thing about this is that it means I’m that much closer to going home to my girl. But when I walk into the house, my mouth goes dry. There’s a mass of huddled bodies at the bottom of the stairs. Eric turns to me, his face pale.
“Jesus Christ! What the hell is going on?”
“I don’t know, dude,” Edgar screeches. “Matty just lost it.”
I look at Matty, who’s curled into the fetal position on the floor. Running over to him, I try to do what Kayla’s told me to do. I get down to his level and put my hands on his head. He’s trembling violently and his breathing is way too fast. I keep my voice low and steady.
“Calm down, Matty. You need to breathe. You’re safe. No one’s going to hurt you, do you understand?” I don’t get any response, and I can’t tell if anything I’m saying is working. I keep trying, though, because I don’t know what else to do. Looking up, I see Curtis, Eric, and Edgar staring at me. They’re so close. Too close.
“Guys, step back,” I tell them. “Where’s Simon?”
“I’m right here.”
I turn to see him standing in the doorway of the den. “What the hell happened?”
He shrugs. “Don’t know. He was fine just a minute ago.”
I read the rest of the boys’ faces and can tell something’s not right. I need to calm Matty down and get him to talk.
“Go! All of you. Find something to do,” I order. Everyone disappears, and I return my focus to Matty. “Come on, Matty. Come back. I’m right here. I need you to focus. Take some deep breaths, buddy.”
It takes another five minutes or so, but his breathing eventually slows and I watch him come back down. I breathe a sigh of relief. I’m so ready for him to start therapy.
“Come on, kid,” I say, helping him up. “Let’s go back to my office.”
Simon moves to follow us and when Matty realizes it, his body starts to tremble. I put my hand out. “I don’t need you right now,” I say coldly. “If I do, I’ll let you know.”
He glances at Matty, frowning, but obliges, turning into his own office instead.
Matty walks in front of me silently and I keep my hand on his shoulder until he sits down. I watch the seconds tick by on the clock on my wall, waiting for him to say something—anything. He doesn’t. He just keeps his eyes trained on an invisible spot on my desk.
“Talk to me, Matty.”
“He told me he was gonna have Logan arrested,” he says quietly.
“Simon did?” I ask. Matty nods. “Have Logan arrested? For what?”
“For stealing.”
“Stealing what?”
“Everything. All the stuff that’s missing. He said he could pin it on Logan.”
“Logan’s the one who’s been stealing?”
He shakes his head. “No… It was me.” His voice is so weak. The waver in it tells me he’s close to tears.
“Why would you do that, Matthew?” I ask, shocked.
“Because Simon told me if I didn’t get that stuff for him, he would tell you guys about Logan and Claire, and Logan and I would get moved.” He looks up at me, his eyes bloodshot. I groan and scratch my jaw. I’m trying not to show the fury that is raging in my blood. We let that man into this house. We trusted him to care for these boys.
“Do you know what he was doing with it?” I growl.
Matty shrugs. “I don’t know. I heard him talking to someone about owing money. When you guys found out about Logan and Claire anyway, I told him I wasn’t going to do it anymore. He got mad.”
“That’s what caused the panic attack?”
He nods. “I’m sorry, Dean. I…”
“It’s okay, buddy. I just want you to relax. I’ll take care of it.”
“You’re not mad?”
“Oh, I’m mad,” I say, gritting my teeth. “We’ll have a talk about the stealing.”
He lowers his head.
“But I’m not mad at you. This is all on Simon. He had no fu…” I tamper my language and take a breath. “He had no right to do that to you. And he will answer for it, I swear. I will not allow him to hurt you,” I promise.
“Okay,” he says softly.
“I am a little disappointed you didn’t come to me. I thought we were doing well.”
“We are,” he rushes out. “I just didn’t want Logan to get kicked out.”
I’m worried he’s going to get worked up again, so I take it back down a notch.
“All right. Why don’t you go ahead and go?” I walk him out and give him a huge hug.
“I’m really sorry,” he whimpers. He sounds so much like a little boy that I’m reminded of just how young he is.
“I know you are, Matty. We’ll have to work on this trust thing, but we’ll get through it.”
He lets go of me and wipes his nose with his sleeve. I wait until I can hear his footsteps on the stairs, and then shut my door and head into Simon’s office.
“How is he?” he asks, looking up.
“I’m not sure that’s any of your business anymore,” I say flatly. He narrows his eyes.
“What?”
“I think you heard me, Simon. Pack up your shit.”
“I don’t understand what’s going on.”
I fold my arms across my body. I’m pissed and trying not to blow a gasket. “I can put up with a lot. I didn’t like you from the beginning, but I let Aiden and Emily hire you anyway. You’ve had a smart mouth and a fucked-up attitude, but I could deal. What I can’t handle is that you took a kid—one of my kids who was already vulnerable—and manipulated him into doing your dirty work.”
“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about,” he protests.
“Did you think I wouldn’t find out? They’ve all told me in their own way that there’s something wrong with you. I just wasn’t listening. I don’t care what you did with our things. I don’t care what you needed them for. I just want you gone.”
“Wait! You’re gonna take the word of some fucked-up little hooligan over mine?”
I stare at him so hard, he has to look away. “Absolutely.”
“It was Logan!”
I shake my head. “No, it wasn’t. Logan’s got too much to lose. And he’s smarter than you.”
He comes around his desk to stand two feet in front of me.
“This is fucking bullshit, Dean. You can’t do this.”
“Actually, I can. You’ve got an hour.” I start to turn, but I can’t help myself—I move fast and land a heavy blow right to his gut. “That’s for disrespecting my girlfriend and fucking with my kids. Now get the hell out of my house before I call the police.”
Tracey and Brayden get home from the grocery store just as I’m leaving Simon’s office. I explain to them what’s happened and have them oversee his packing so he doesn’t do any more damage. Then I escort him out of the house in front of all the boys. I don’t scold them when they taunt him or yell profanities. Fucker deserves it. Fortunately for all of us, Logan’s at work, and other than my retributory shot, the whole thing happens without violence.
When he’s gone, I call Aiden and tell him what happened, then we have a conference call with our dad. It’s not a pleasant conversation. My dad’s pissed we didn’t know anything. Neither one of us has any excuse, nor do we even try to defend ourselves.
“I’ll call Kayla and tell her I gotta stay here tonigh
t,” I groan after my dad leaves the call. Since Simon was supposed to cover the night shift, I’m stuck.
“It’s okay,” my brother answers. “Emily said she’d do it. She hasn’t done an overnight in weeks and Ash is at a sleepover, so it’s just me and Caleb tonight.”
“You guys just left.”
“And you’ve been here for forty-eight hours straight. It’ll be fine. Go home, get laid, come back in the morning.”
“Thanks, Aiden,” I sigh.
“No problem. I’m just sorry we didn’t listen to you about Simon to begin with.”
“Yeah, well, now we need to go through that whole fucking process again.”
Aiden laughs. “We’ll figure it out, D. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
Emily shows up not too much later, and I brief her on everything I know. When Logan gets home from work, he’ll need to be told.
“You going to talk to Kayla about Stephanie tonight?” she asks.
“Yep.”
“Good. She loves you, Dean. Just remember that.”
Just remember that. I try to remember that all the way home, but it’s not as easy as it should be.
Kayla’s car is already in the driveway when I get there. I let myself in. She’s sitting on the couch, still in her work clothes. She looks upset. My heart stutters in my chest. I have to tell her about Steph. I can’t afford for anything else to get in the way. Walking in cautiously, I set my keys down on the side table and look at her.
“Hey, baby,” I say, concerned. “What’s the matter?”
When she raises her eyes to me, I see that they’re red-rimmed and bloodshot. I hold back my panic, thinking that something must have happened to Claire, or Andy, or her dad. What she says knocks the wind out me.
“Were you ever planning to tell me about her, or were you just hoping I’d never find out?”
I don’t even have to ask who she’s talking about. My stomach churns, and I feel like I’m going to puke. I am so fucked.
Chapter 65
Kayla
