by Kip Nelson
Those questions would rattle around his mind for a long time yet, but they were always there. Adam found himself questioning the very core of his being for the first time in years.
“It's funny, isn't it? That the knife you were going to use to kill yourself now is saving our lives,” Peter said, chuckling softly, making that comment as though it was nothing. Adam stopped and looked at the other man, for this was the first time Peter had mentioned it. Adam thought he hadn't been aware of what he was trying to do, but evidently, he had, and Adam felt great shame.
“How did you know?”
“I've seen that look in people's eyes before, and I'm not stupid,” Peter said.
“No, you're not,” Adam admitted. He pressed his lips together and continued skinning the raccoon until it was done. “I'm not going to do it again, if that's what you're thinking,” he added.
“I wasn't thinking that at all. Do you think we'll ever go back to the city?”
“I don't know. So much has changed. I guess we'll have to at some point. There are only so many berries and fruits that we can survive on, and the natural world isn't going to help us fully until spring comes,” he said.
“But I'm more confident of surviving now than I was at the start. I'm beginning to think we might just make it through this after all,” Adam said, smiling at Peter, and he truly did believe it.
It was going to be hard. As the two of them sat there staring out at the bleak wintry world, Adam once again thought about the life he had lost, about how right now he should have been in his office exploring the new technology of Hololife, but instead he was out in the real world. All that mattered before didn't matter now, and he was a changed man, still changing in fact. He thought back to his game and the accomplishment players were supposed to feel as they started getting stronger and more capable of living in a post-apocalyptic world, and how he now was feeling that, too. He was able to feed and shelter himself. He had made it through the end of the world.
There still was much to do, and he had no idea about the dangers he was going to face, but in that moment, he felt triumphant. He felt as his ancestors must have centuries ago when they survived a great storm or a flood. He reached out his hand and felt the rain patter slowly on his palm. Soon they would eat, then they would sleep, and a day would begin anew. His name was Adam Carlyle, and he was a survivor. This is only the beginning of his story.
Chapter Eleven
There had been a brief respite from the rain. For a couple of days it almost seemed as though spring had come early. If it wasn't for the bitter cold, Adam Carlyle and Peter Beach would have believed it. They spent the nights wrapped in their warm clothes, huddled together to share their body heat, and tried to ignore the chattering of their teeth. They had been living in the wilderness for a while now, and although they were not experts, they had managed to carve out a simple existence.
The rain had given them a chance to replenish their water supply, and although it didn't taste as good as what came out of a tap, it still was welcome. The shelter they had built still was holding firm, for the most part, although Adam was afraid that at any point the structure could weaken and collapse upon them. The food they had carried from the city had been depleted a long time ago, but Adam was becoming used to hunting and killing his own food. It was something he never thought would happen, for in his old life he was very much a modern man and only ever bought fish himself.
The days were turning out to be very much the same for the two men. In the morning they would rise, far earlier than Adam was used to doing, and they would breathe in the fresh air. They'd tend to the camp and make sure everything was working properly. Then they would walk off and go to do their morning business somewhere far away. This was perhaps the most degrading thing about living in the forest. When Adam crouched down he always felt guilty, for it had been drilled into him since he was a child that relieving himself in public was wrong.
But there were so many lessons he had to unlearn, for the only laws governing him now were the ones that were made by his own conscience, his own morality. This scared him. He had seen how dangerous human beings could be, and he didn't like to think there was a monster lurking inside him, just waiting to be unleashed in this uncivilized world. Thankfully, Peter was there to keep him grounded. Adam had come to think of him as a younger brother, even though Peter was older than him. Adam had been an only child and often spent time by himself, so it was a change in lifestyle to have someone else there all the time. There were points when his presence grated Adam, and all the younger man wanted to do was have some time to himself, but he was adapting and getting used to the new dynamic.
The most time he got to spend in solitude was when he went out hunting. He actually began cherishing these precious moments when it was just him against nature. When the end of the world happened, Adam felt lost. He felt like he didn't have a place in the new world since so much of his life was tied up with technology and electricity. But as the days went by and he developed new skills, he started to see that he belonged, that perhaps there was even a place for him. As he was out there in the wild, treading carefully to make sure he didn't alert his prey, he gripped his spear and felt the knife in the small of his back. He thought back to that first morning after the world had ended, how he had wanted to end it all but he hadn't, and now he was glad to live.
After another successful hunt he strode back to camp purposefully, with a broad grin on his face. He paused for a moment as he couldn't remember when he last had felt this fulfilled. His life had been good and he loved his position. Yet, there always had been a sense of existential dread that simmered in the pit of his stomach, a sense that, somehow, he wasn't accomplishing as much as he should have. But feeding himself and Peter felt good. It felt great to do something with his hands and see tangible results, although he still wished that time would turn back and this great catastrophe would have been undone.
Adam whistled as he walked back, collecting a few berries from the trees. There would be more growing in the spring, but for now they were living on a very spartan diet, and scavenging for small animals to eat. Adam wasn't yet brave enough to seek out something large like a deer, or something more dangerous. So, they contented themselves with things such as raccoons, although they often were left hungry, their stomachs growling as they went to sleep, spoiled by the luxury of modern living.
While Adam was out hunting Peter puttered around the camp and tried keeping things tidy. He changed the clothes on the floor and wrung out anything that was wet. The two of them found a natural order to things and were glad for their company. Adam had started to suspect Peter was more perceptive than he let on, but there had not yet been any arguments or difficulties between the two of them. Occasionally they ventured out to explore the surrounding area to see if there was anything that could help them, such as a river or another stronger shelter, or perhaps another camp of humans, but there was nothing. It was as though they were completely isolated, even though Opal City still was close by.
The city lingered on Adam's mind a great deal. They were only out in the wilderness due to his decision, a decision that had been fueled by fear. His mind flashed back to those first moments after the city had gone dark and the planes were dropping like bombs, crashing into the city, causing so much carnage. He had been in a large crowd outside of city hall, everyone looking for some answers in the face of the deadly unknown. Sadly, nothing had presented itself, and everyone had been driven into a panic. A riot had broken out, and instead of everyone helping each other they were fighting. Adam ran.
He felt great shame at this for he wanted to be better than he was, wanted to be like the fictional heroes that had so inspired him. He felt he should have stood up and rallied everyone, reminding them they could stand united and endure whatever was happening. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference, but maybe even a few lives could have been saved. Then he thought about the people who had accosted him in the city, stolen his food. He thought about the people be
ing chased by a madman. He thought about the gunshots that echoed around the wilderness, and a creeping dread unnervingly swept through his body.
Humans were dangerous, and it was important to stay away from them. Yet, part of him regretted leaving the city so early. Yes, it was dangerous and, yes, he continually was looking over his shoulder in fear, but if there were relief efforts and people were being rescued, then Peter would have missed out on them due to his selfishness. And he was being selfish. The only reason they had left the city was because Adam was too scared to stay there. He wanted to be away from everyone else, and so far, it had worked out. But there were times when he looked at Peter and wanted to apologize that it was Adam he was stuck with, and not someone more capable. So far it felt as though fortune had been smiling upon them, but Adam had a strong feeling that his luck would run out eventually.
Still, given the state of everything they had seen it was unlikely there were relief efforts. Whatever was happening it seemed to affect more than just Opal City. There were moments when Adam had to pinch himself to remind himself this was actually real. The world really had ended, and humans now were refugees from fate.
They made a small fire and started cooking the meat for lunch. Adam sipped at some water and looked at the remaining few bottles they had left.
“I hate to say it, but I think we could use some rain again,” he said.
“It'll come, the rain always comes. Winters always have been wet here, you can bet your life on that. Other things may have changed, but that will stay, that's for sure. I remember the first winter I was here, I didn't think the rain would be like it was. I went out thinking that it was just a shower, but no, it kept on all day. Didn't I look the fool when I came back in, soaked to the bone,” he said, smiling softly. Then the smile faded and was replaced by a wistful look in his eyes. There were times when he spoke about a memory and he was reminded of his lost wife, and plunged into sadness again. Adam didn't know what it was like loving somebody that much. He pitied Peter for all the sorrow he had to endure, but he tried to carry on the conversation to distract Peter anyway.
“Well, we can use the water, and maybe it's a way to cleanse the planet as well.”
“What do you think happened to it all, Adam?” Peter asked, tilting his head to the side as he tore away some meat with his teeth and chewed loudly, his lips smacking together.
“Honestly? I have no idea. I used to design video games for a living--”
“Like Pong!” Peter exclaimed delightedly, a broad smile appearing on his face.
“Er, yes, kinda like Pong. Anyway, my last one was a game about the end of the world and when I was designing it I had to research different ways the world could end. I was never one of those who believed in the Mayan apocalypse. So, I didn't want it to be some cheap reason, like a magical force, but I wasn't sure what a 'real' reason was. I mean, who really wants to think about the end of the world? I thought about having it be caused by aliens as prelude to an invasion, but that would have changed the game’s focus. I really wanted it to be about survival. I definitely didn't want zombies, either because they had been done to death, pardon the pun.” He waited for a reaction from Peter, but there was none.
So, Adam continued, a little annoyed his joke had not been appreciated. “The most realistic one I could think of, and perhaps the most terrifying, was nuclear war, since that would have devastated the planet. One of the side effects of a huge nuclear explosion is an EMP, so that could have happened here. Although if it was close, then we'd probably be dead from radiation right now. In the end, I went for a meteor that crashed into the Moon, which affected the tides and things, and had more of an effect than any of us ever knew. People liked it, actually. They thought it was original. But I didn't dwell too much on how or why it happened, that wasn't really the game’s focus. I was more concerned with what came afterward and how people adapted.”
“Did you win?”
“Win what? The game?” Adam nodded. “Well, that was the thing, you didn't really 'win'. I mean, there were certain endings that were better than others, but I don't think anyone felt like they won the game after getting to the end.”
“That doesn't sound like fun.”
“You'd be surprised. People tend to like that survival stuff. Maybe because life is so hard and they don't have control, so it's nice to have that control in a game, to feel like you can overcome a serious challenge like that. I don't really like thinking about that, though, because I only can ask myself the question of how we can win. Is living really enough?”
Peter waited patiently for an answer, but Adam didn't have one to give. “That was a rhetorical question, Peter. I'm not a philosopher and, unfortunately, I don't know the answers to those types of questions. Maybe someone out there does. I guess at some point people are going to want to rebuild society, if that's even possible. Maybe the President survived, and he'll be sending people out to spread the world, but I really don't know what's going to happen. But I guess like in our old lives we'll just be on the edge of the world, waiting to see what happens. We weren't important then, and we aren't important now.”
“You are important to me,” Peter said, smiling. Adam felt a swell of happiness.
“You're important to me too, buddy,” and they tucked into their meal.
The thoughts lingered in Adam's mind, though, and there were times when he envied Peter, for the older man didn't seem concerned with the bigger picture. Ignorance truly was bliss. But for Adam, he kept thinking about the future, not just his own, but humanity's as well. He thought about how he and Peter would survive through the winter since if the animals became scarce, they would be in serious trouble. If they were at the whims of nature for water they were screwed, too. At some point they may have to return to the city to survive, but Adam didn't want to face that prospect. It was haunting to see the city so broken, a reminder that despite how superior humans felt, they were still so small and fragile.
Against the cosmic forces of the universe, humans were nothing.
When he finished eating Adam was plunged into despair and he wished that he had a book with him, or something to take away the dreary monotony of their days. Peter seemed happy enough idling by, but Adam always had been filled with a sense that he never had enough time to do all he wanted and see everything. Yet, now that he had all the time in the world he still felt as though he should have been doing more.
“Come on,” he said as soon as they had finished eating, “let's go and do a little exploring again. I'm sure there's got to be something out there that can help us,” he said. Peter obeyed without question and the two men left their shelter in the hope they would find something useful.
Chapter Twelve
The days passed into nights and into days again, time flowing like a river. At first Adam had tried keeping track of the days out of a desire to keep some continuity with the previous way of living, but that quickly fell by the wayside as other priorities came into focus. It was eye-opening to Adam to see just how enslaved to the concept of time he had been all through his life; and this was from a man who had considered himself an autonomous spirit with a mind and free will all his own. He quickly came to realize he had been regimented into a certain way of living and that actually all the schedules he was shackled to didn't mean a thing.
When he was younger he had been trained to obey the hours of school, and then out of the classroom he had to have dinner by a certain time and then make sure he was free to watch his shows, and then bedtime. After that came college, when he thought he was free, but by that point it had been too late. Already he was trained to think certain things had to be done by a certain time, and the entire concept of time was something he found himself annoyed with. It seemed that it caused so much consternation when there was simply no need for it. After a few days of living in the forest he observed the creatures in their natural habitats and saw they had no concept of time. They were not worried about being late or missing their shows, or wasting time on s
ome frivolous activity when they could have been doing something productive. They simply did what needed to be done when it needed to be done. They ate when they were hungry and slept when they were tired.
They lived their lives, and were not afraid of time running out.
Adam had yet to free himself completely of these bonds, but he was getting there. Yet, there still was a part of him that felt as though he should be doing more with his life. The days with Peter slowly were melting into one long homogeneous image, and he knew something had to change, but he did not know when. On the days that it didn't rain he stared out into the overcast sky, feeling the cold chill prickling against his skin, watching the goosebumps rise upon his flesh, and he almost relished the cold. He always had felt at home in the winter. While others ran from the cold he enjoyed it far more than the stifling heat that caused clammy sweat to make his clothes cling to his skin. No, for him it was far more comfortable to let the world be a little cold and to wrap up warm.
He had been born in the winter, and his birthday would be upon him in a few months. He'd never really celebrated it before, and he certainly wasn't going to now. His age would be immaterial in this new world. Without any time, there was no need to note the passage of arbitrary years. He'd never quite seen the point of birthdays anyway; indeed, they had been more for other people like his parents than himself. For him they always had been a way to mark how many years had passed with his presence in the world. Any change in maturity or a wider outlook on life happened far more gradually and was a long process. Even then, he knew many people who had not grown wiser with age.
On the days that it rained he would look at the falling sheets of rain and lose himself in the rhythm of their patter. He quickly realized how long he had missed the sound of music, so he closed his eyes and created a song in his mind. The song of rain. It was lovely, until it was inevitably spoiled by Peter, who grew restless and wanted some company.
