by Ruth Dugdall
NOW
FACEBOOK: FIND HUMBER BOY B
Noah’s mum: I am getting ready to meet an old friend and I hope he will keep his promise. If he does, then I will finally get the chance to see my son’s killer, and to ask him the one question that has been burning inside me since he got released from prison.
The question may not be the one you expect. No answer will ever be enough to that particular question, and I’m not foolish enough to believe that anything that boy says will explain or excuse what he did to Noah.
My question to him is about his guilt, and if he feels any. If he is willing to show me that he does, and face the consequences.
This is what I want, and if you are reading this and it has already happened then I want you to know that I’m sorry for any pain it causes. And I don’t expect you to understand.
All I can ask is that you forgive me. I couldn’t live any more if he was free.
It’s as simple as that.
107
Cate
Cate picked up her bag and placed inside all the things that were hers, nothing that belonged to the probation service. She’d joined because she wanted answers, that certainty. It was over now. She was going to try a different approach: love.
Because she was human and fallible and Olivier said he loved her and Amelia.
She was going to try Luxembourg.
Cate felt it then, deep in the pit of her stomach, the unpalatable truth festering there: none of the people involved in Noah’s death were psychopaths. None were evil. Yet an alchemy of each personality, of each decision, had led to the greatest evil of all.
And Jessica’s death, so keenly felt by Cate, had been a direct result. A woman whose life felt empty, and who chose to give it up if it meant her son’s killer was back behind bars.
Ben didn’t have to push Jessica over the side, even though she asked him to. He didn’t have to push Noah. The choices he made were ugly ones, the reasons banal. But in the end Cate felt it was guilt that had motivated him to do as Jessica demanded, and maybe fear of what the outside world held. Either way, he would never be free again.
She was heading towards the exit when a voice stopped her.
“Someone said it once, don’t know who, but to have a good system of judgement you must have good men. But not too good.”
Cate paused in the corridor, her box heavy in her arms, the photo of Amelia on top.
“I’m leaving, Paul. You’re too late.”
Paul came closer, smiling. “Not so good, Cate, that they have forgotten what it is to be imperfect.”
Cate stared at her friend. “I fucked up, Paul. Another person died and Ben is back in prison.”
“But you are a good person. And that’s why you must stay.”
“I don’t feel good. I feel rotten. And this box is heavy.”
She had contacted Liz’s legal team and said that, no, she would not be standing as a witness against her father, no matter what he had done. Because it seemed to her now that she was someone not to be trusted, her testimony was worthless. Working with Ben’s case had done this to her. Cate felt trapped by her mistakes, by her failure to protect Ben from being abducted and taken to Hull where a new chain of events, of which she was part, had ended in another body in the Humber.
“I need perspective, Paul.”
“Can you at least put the box down?”
“If I put it down I may never pick it up again, and right now I just need to keep walking. I need distance from this so I can assess just how badly I messed up. Right now I need to be far away from damaged people. I’m too damaged myself.”
Paul touched her arm and gently took the box from her.
“Then I’ll help you to your car. But let me tell you this, you’re good, you know what it is to be human. But if you need some time off, then take it. Just promise you’ll come back.”
Cate followed Paul from the probation office, but made no promises to return.
Acknowledgments
I have been mulling over the themes in this novel since January 2000, when I first started to work in a special prison unit in Suffolk, set up to deal with boys who had committed crimes similar to the one described in Humber Boy B. Like Cate Austin, I was driven by a need to find out why these children had committed such grave acts and although Ben is fictional, as is his crime, I have taken inspiration from the young men I met. I would also like to acknowledge the people I never had the opportunity to meet: the victims. I always kept them in my heart and mind, both as a probation officer and in writing this book.
I am grateful to the ongoing and unstinting support of my writing group: Liz Ferretti, Jane Bailey, Morag Lewis and Sophie Green.
My thanks to Tom Chalmers, Lauren Parsons and Lucy Chamberlain. Legend Press are a beacon of hope for authors, an independent publishing house who champion their writers with gladiatorial passion. I am fortunate to have found you.
And I would not have done so, had it not been for the Luke Bitmead Bursary, established by Elaine Hanson in memory of her son, Luke. His memory lives on through the bursary, and many authors have benefitted hugely from the award. Speaking personally, I could never overstate how winning the bursary changed my life, and gave me a chance to follow my dream of becoming a published writer.
Finally, many thanks to my family. My children, Amber and Eden, joined me on the research trip back Hull, my hometown. Although they loved The Deep they may have felt a bit nervous when I asked them to lean over the edge of the railing on The Humber Bridge and describe how it felt. As way of apology, I’d like to dedicate this book to you.
If you enjoyed Humber Boy B, make sure you look out for
the next Cate Austin novel, Nowhere Girl.
From the top of the ferris wheel, Ellie can see everything. Her
life, laid out beneath her. Ellie looks up. She wants freedom.
Down below, her little sister and mother wait, watching as
people bundle off the wheel and disappear into the crowd.
No Ellie. Must be the next box.
But the ferris wheel continues to turn.
When Ellie goes missing on the first day of Schueberfouer,
the police are dismissive, keen not to attract negative
attention on one of Luxembourg’s most important events.
Probation officer, Cate Austin, has moved for a fresh start,
along with her daughter Amelia, to live with her police
detective boyfriend, Olivier Massard. But when she realises
just how casually he is taking the disappearance of Ellie,
Cate decides to investigate matters for herself.
She discovers Luxembourg has a dark heart. With
its geographical position, it is at the centre of a child
trafficking ring. As Cate comes closer to discovering Ellie’s
whereabouts she uncovers a hidden world, placing herself
in danger, not just from traffickers, but from a source much
closer to home.
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Table of Contents
Title
Copyright
1 The Day Of
2 Now
3 Cate
4 Ben
5 The Day Of
6 Now
7 Cate
8 Ben
9 The Day Of
10 Now
11 Cate
12 Ben
13 The Day Of
14 Now
15 Cate
16 Ben
17 The Day Of
18 Now
19 Cate
20 Ben
21 The Day Of
22 Now
23 Cate
24 Ben
25 The Day Of
26 Now
27 Cate
28 Ben
29 The Day Of
30 Now
31 Cate
32 Ben
33 The Day Of
34 Now
35 Cate
36 Ben
37 The Day Of
38 Now
39 Cate
40 Ben
41 The Day Of
42 Now
43 Cate
44 Ben
45 The Day Of
46 Now
47 Cate
48 Ben
49 The Day Of
50 Now
51 Cate
52 Ben
52 The Day Of
54 Now
55 Cate
56 Ben
57 The Day Of
58 Now
59 Cate
60 Ben
61 The Day Of
62 Now
63 Cate
64 Ben
65 The Day Of
66 Now
67 Cate
68 The Day Of
69 Now
70 Ben
71 Cate
72 The Day Of
73 Now
74 Cate
75 Ben
76 The Day Of
77 Now
78 Cate
79 Ben
80 Cate
81 Ben
82 Cate
83 The Day Of
84 Now
85 Cate
86 Ben
87 The Day Of
88 Now
89 Cate
90 Ben
91 The Day Of
92 Now
93 Cate
94 Ben
95 The Day Of
96 Now
97 Cate
98 Ben
99 The Day Of
100 Now
101 Cate
102 Ben
103 Now
104 Cate
105 The Day Of
106 Now
107 Cate
Acknowledgments
